Thoughts Written While at The Nutcracker

What was ballet like in the Chinese foot-binding era?

Am I a straight woman? Or a gay man? I can't remember anymore.

What if you have a foot fetish? Would finding out she's a ballet dancer be a deal breaker?

Oh God. This guy who plays the brother was supposed to be a small child and now he's in tights and I feel vastly inappropriate looking at his business.

This ballet is just one giant reminder that I don't stretch enough.

Are you a man who likes to be naked solely from the waist down? Consider the ballet.

If anyone set me down on just one tip toe, I would 100% immediately fall over.

When any of these boys turn, all I can do is analyze their butt muscles.

Say what you will about girls being complicated. At least we don't have mysterious bulges.

AaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH THERE IS A GIANT CLAPPING PUPPET WITH CHILDREN UNDER HER SKIRT AND SHE'S GOING TO EAT THE BABY IN FRONT OF ME!!!

Tutus represent everything I stand against.

Does 'bravo' mean 'good job' in Italian?

I also want to share with you that as we were leaving, this man appeared from the heavens to grace us with his amazingness:

The question is not "Is this man wearing a floor-length mink coat?" It is, "Does his wife have a matching floor-length mink coat?" And I can answer you with a resounding YES. YES SHE DOES.