I'm sure you are dyyying to know. I gave you the little teaser, but with no true explanation. You're baffled. You're suspicious. You're hurt.
Who the hell is scares of whales?
I am, my friends. I am. I have self-diagnosed cetaphobia, or the fear of whales. Let me make something clear: a phobia is not the same as a normal "fear." I'm also afraid of large spiders, sharks, and car accidents. So are you. That's because those things are scary.
Phobias are marked by their irrationality. There are people with phobias of clouds. Of butterflies. Of the color yellow.
There isn't a legitimate reason that I can give you for my fear. You fall from high places, snakes bite you, you suffocate in tight spaces. These are obvious fears that make sense. I understand that you may never fathom my phobia.
Let me get something straight: I'm not in a constant state of panic about whales. I'm not currently afraid a whale will eat me. And I'm not worried a whale will walk into my living room and shoot me. But seeing whales (realistic ones, not cute ones) on tv or in movies nearly always gives me a heart attack. I never suspect it-- they're so damn sneaky!!
Why whales are scary:
The only good reason I can give is their size. Whales are enormous and in my head, they're even bigger. I also get slightly nervous about submarines, but it's not the same. I guess just the fact that whales are massive AND have thoughts is a little nerve wracking. I mean, if a submarine went past you, it's not like it's the sub's fault. But that whale swimming beside you knows you're there and--HOW DO YOU NOT GET SICK THINKING ABOUT A WHALE SWIMMING NEXT TO YOU?! ROBOTS!!
I have a clarification at this point: because my phobia centers around size, I am not afraid of Beluga whales (Hello?! Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea?! What is scary about that?) and I am also not afraid of Killer Whales which, yes. The irony. Ha ha...ha...ha. But Killer Whales are whales in the same way that tomatoes are fruit. You can classify them all you want but are you about to mix them up with cantelopes and strawberries? *shudder*...okay I might have a new phobia now.
I hope you all appreciate how scary this next part is for me. This is up there with Google image searching "large spider" or "herpes"...you know whatever you get is going to be the worst thing ever. But here are the most terrifying whales, in order:
My theory is that this movie spawned my fear. Specifically, the part where Pinocchio swims past the whale and he opens his eye. HOLY JESUS SAVE ME. You are as big as that whale's eye. AN EYE. AN EYE THAT FOLLOWS YOU. AND IS ANGRY.
2) Finding Nemo.
When Dory starts speaking whale and slowly...slooooowly the whale comes out of the murky shadows toward you. Are you SERIOUS. I was clutching the arms of the movie seat like I was preparing for electric shock therapy. I probably should have had one of those bars to bite down on, too.
3) The Lightning Whale from Prince of Egypt. As already stated here, this whale comes with two terrifying factors: The element of surprise via the lightning and also the element of size comparison via the people walking past it.
4) Fantasia 2000
I have yet to watch this movie, but i remember the ads. Ohhhh do I remember the ads. Whales. Flying. That's all I need to say.
AND THIS COMMERCIAL. This thing ALWAYS sneaks up on me. Last time it was on, I was in a sports bar, where there were enormous screens on every wall. Imagine if "It" was on every wall of a restaurant. This is my situation.
I'm willing to laugh about my fear. I know people find it weird (although I cannot admit in honesty that I think it is. IT'S NOT WEIRD, THEY ARE SCARY.) But I joke about it anyway. Today I bought Adrienne a heart-shaped box of chocolates that says "Whale you be my valentine?" with an adorable whale with big googly eyes. See? I can laugh! I can joke! I can cry quietly when I get home.
EDIT: As I was writing this, Andrea, who is sitting next to me, showed me this video. Congratulations, you now have cetaphobia, too.