As I Recall: Genesis. Killing The Gays and Fooling the Blind.

I went on a quest to figure out what story to do next, and discovered something: the Old Testament is completely insane. Which is something I guess I already knew, but seriously, guys. Seriously.

So I decided to just pull some quality samples for you. Trying something new here; these are stories that do actually follow along with the text (er...ish), because I didn’t even know enough to crappily retell them from memory and had to use Old Soggy.

So here are a few more things that go down in Genesis:

The Tower of Babel:

How did we get from Noah’s family to a billion people all over the earth, you ask? Simple answer! Forget Pangea. No science needed, guys. It’s covered. So there’s only a handful of people, they all speak the same mystery language (American English, I’m assuming), and they decide to work together and build a skyscraper. And God’s like, “BAH! Working together? Cooperation?! What is this, Sesame Street? Let’s shake things up around here!” So he takes his tongue of fire and makes everyone speak a different language. Then he picks them up by their scruffs and drops them off in different places around the world. Frankly, if I was the person who got stuck with Siberia, I’d be piiiiiissed.

Abraham:

There is nothing NOT frightening about this reenactment picture.

So Abraham was one of the early guys. At first, his name was Abram. But when he was 100 years old (literally,) God shows up, scares the crap out of him, changes his name to Abraham, and makes a whole bunch of promises to him.

Then he tells Abraham to circumcise everyone—the first of about 80 references to circumcision in this particular book. Someone’s got some Freudian issues, and I think his name is God. Finally, God tells Abraham that Abraham's going to bear a son, which cracks Abraham’s sh-t up. He seriously loses his mind laughing. “Oh, God. You’re a stitch! Seriously, have you considered comedy? Because that is honestly a good one.” And God just stands there with his arms crossed and blinks. Finally God’s like, “Ahem. Anyway, name him Isaac. See ya.” And then Abraham goes out and runs around with a scalpel, swishing it back and forth until he’s taken care of every dude in a 10-mile radius.

Later, when Isaac is a little older (and Abraham is rickety beyond comprehension,) God comes back to Abraham and tells him to burn Isaac as a sacrifice to God. Abraham gives a little heel click and goes off to do God’s bidding. He drags Isaac away, telling him they’re going to sacrifice a lamb. Things get a little suspicious when Abraham has a knife, some fire...and zero lamb. Isaac starts getting all shifty-eyed, but Isaac just brushes him off. “Nah, we’re cool. God’s going to give us a lamb when we get there.” Which Isaac is totally okay with. I guess during a time when God just shows up willy-nilly, I might believe that, too. So I’mma give Isaac that one. So Abraham’s setting everything up, he’s got Isaac tied and his knife quivering in the air when an angel finally shows up (I guess this time God was too busy to make a guest appearance?) and tells him “JK LOL! You don’t have to kill your son. It was a test!” At this point I’d find it hard to not at least grumble “ass” under my breath, but Abraham takes it all in stride, and they go back home.

Sodom and Gomorrah:


So Sodom was the town that was completely sinful. Or gay. I'm not totally sure. (Kinda skimmed it.) Either way, it's doomed. They give a little example of how outrageous this town is. So this nice guy named Lot lived there with his family. One night, two angels come to hang out with Lot, play a little poker maybe, have a few beers. You know, typical angel stuff. But every guy--ALL of them--in the town saw the two angels go into Lots house, and banged on the door, saying, “Hey, you just let two hot men into your house! Bring them out so that we can do them!” (Yeah. I said “do” like that.) Lot gives them a perfectly viable second option: “Please don’t sleep with these angels! Hey, you know what? I’ve got a couple virgin daughters! Take them instead!” And the Dad of The Year award goes to… Luckily, the men were all, “Girls, BLECH!!” So Lot runs back inside and the angels strike all the men blind, and I quote, “so that they were unable to find the door.” I’m sorry. You are suddenly BLIND. Are you seriously like, oh I can’t see. No matter! Sleeping with a stranger THIS SECOND is more important than my SIGHT. Now where is that damn door? *grope, grope*

So I guess Sodom (and then this other neighboring town, Gomorrah) were all covered in sin and yet another hopeless cause. Too bad God had already promised no more floods, so he takes the next route and goes with fire (earth and wind come later). First, though, he tells Lot to take his family and run away and not look back OR ELSE, FOR REALS. Lot’s wife, who doesn't understand the phrase FOR REALS, turns back. BAM. God turns her into a pillar of salt. She may have been stupid, yes, but at least now she's delicious. And useful in preserving sacrificed lamb meat.

Jacob and Esau:

When Isaac (poor, unsacrificed Isaac) grows up, he has twin boys: Jacob and Esau. Isaac is a fan of Esau, because Esau is a great huntsman and Isaac really likes meat. Seriously, that’s why.

So Isaac is old and blind and he tells Esau to go out and get him some meat, and then Isaac will bless him. Jacob finds out about this and goes and does it even faster. Even though he is the lesser huntsman. Whatever. So his plan is to just pretend to be Esau, but since he’s a hairless wonder and Esau is a beast, he needs to make sure he is nice and hairy like his brother. So he covers his hands and the back of his neck with the bloody skins of the goats he just killed. (Hello, Tyra? Yeah, I have an idea for Cycle 13.) Newly Hairy Jacob goes in to see his father, who actually buys the goat fur. Seriously, how hairy is Esau? Is he the original Wolf Man? No matter. So he believes it and blesses Jacob and tells him he’ll be successful and everyone will bow down to him. Jacob gives the thumbs up and leaves. Then Esau comes in with his perfectly trimmed goat and naturally fuzzy skin and they all discover the shenanigans that have just gone down. Esau demands to be blessed too, but Jacob says, “TOO BAD! One blessing per son! I can’t just say words TWICE, boy! I’m no magician. Now you’re doomed. Enjoy!” Esau’s pissed, Jacob flees, Isaac dies.


...or did I just BLOW YOUR MIND?

So those are the big parts of Genesis. Joseph’s in there, too, but it’ll have to wait for another day. I also skipped a story where one of Jacob’s daughters is raped, so her brothers make every man in the town get circumcised and then kill them in the night. It’s up there with Monte Cristo on the revenge scale. Awesome.

So thanks for reading, thanks for comments!