You know people who claim they knew a band before they got big and now everyone knows them and they’re too commercial and The Man and all that nonsense? *Whine, whine* I knew Kings of Leon / Death Cab / Plain White Ts before anyone else! I hate it when bands make good songs and then people recognize their abilities! Waaaaaaaaaah.
Yeah. I am that person with Facebook. Facebook was invented in Fall 2003; the same time I started college. I was a hater for a good solid month, and succumbed while it was still only available to college students on large campuses.
All this to say, I think I know a thing or two about what is—and what is not—acceptable on Facebook. It’s like with fashion, and I take the Stacy/Clinton mantra to heart: just because someone created it does not mean you need to pull it over your head. So here are a few things you should know about unacceptable Facebook actions.
Poking was the very first Facebook faux pas (The second was deleting someone’s entire wall. Remember that hot mess?) Poking is Old School Facebook. It was what made Facebook interactive. It was basically the first version of “liking” something: It takes one click, you don’t have to type a single word, and you still get to tell someone, “Hey, I know you exist.” But then people started poking back and forth eighty million times. Frankly, I’m of the opinion that Facebook poking is mostly obnoxious because ACTUAL poking is obnoxious.
2) 'Friending' someone who is not your friend:
Everyone has at least 50 friends who they aren’t really friends with. If you saw them at a bar, you might talk to them...begrudgingly. And that’s, well, I personally think that’s acceptable. But what’s not acceptable are the people who you would never in a MILLION YEARS consider a friend. There are a few versions of these:
- Strangers! Lately I’ve gotten a few friend requests from mystery men who I’ve never met and who only have six other friends, all of which are young Asian girls. Yikes.
- People You’ve Never Said A Word To! These are people who you remember...slightly. The truth is, you completely forgot they existed until they friended you. Maybe they were in your Spanish class? Or was it Philosophy? Oh wait, no. It was that play in middle school. You were Townsperson #11 and they were Townsperson #48.
- Enemies! These are people who you remember—AND HOW. What blows my mind are the people who accept enemies as Facebook friends. They usually claim it’s just out of curiosity, or because they’ve “grown up.” WHATEVER. Special note to Rachel A: You were a terrible person in high school. You made my Sophomore and Junior year a living hell. And you were a whore. Will I be your Facebook friend?! *Ignore.* (Burns, doesn’t it?) And special note to all you who are ‘friends’ with her: SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.
3) Applications that mimic real life:
“Emily sent Joe a rose!” “Joe just took Emily out on a date!” “Emily just accidentally virtually dropped Joe’s present and it broke into a million virtual pieces!”
4) The Over-Responder:
Now this is a toughy. Because I legitimately like when people respond to things I do and say on Facebook. That’s why I do and say them: so others will see it. But, as Feist says: There’s a limit to your love. A-love, a-love, a-love. And sometimes I wish someone more random would recognize my hilarious status update.
5) Status update abusers:
These aren’t just people who update a lot. I’m fine with that, as long as they’re worthwhile. These are true abusers. My peeves:
- Laying out your day. No way! You’re going to the gym AND shopping AND making garlic chicken with spinach salad AND watching American Idol? Wow, I can’t believe you’ve changed so much since we did that group project on Romeo and Juliet.
- Awkwardly Emo. Eesh, man. There are bad days, and then there are BAD DAYS. And those ones don’t go on Facebook. They go into your Mood Journal.
- Live sports commentary. Aw man! Can you believe Rodriguez just did that crazy thing? What?! A flag?! What kind of RBI touchdown tight end hetero foul ball is THAT?!...Thank God I have your status updates, or how would I know what a terrible coach Lovey is?
6) Status chatting:
My Status: Emily is watching The Office.
Acceptable response: “Me too! *funny quote*"
Unacceptable response: “Hey Boooooo! Let’s chill!!!1 When are you back in town?!?!?!?!?!!?!~*<3
7) Mean Photo Tagging:
You look adorable. I look like a red-eyed turtle. Come on.
8) Poor Grammar and Spelling:
My personal vendetta, I know. But seriously, people. You don’t need to dissect a participle here. Just get common English words right so I can spend the day without my eye twitching. In fact, here. And if you know how to add single digits, you should know when to use an apostrophe. No excuses.
9) Chain Letters:
This one tends to be in the Mom milieu (though I'm blessed with a mother who doesn't do this). But I feel for all you out there with those loved ones. The ones who are still waiting on their check from Bill Gates. The ones who had to pass it on or else they’d have ten years bad luck! The ones who have a hilarious joke for you but you just have to ScRoLl dOwN!!~!~!~!~!!!
I filled out those surveys. I passed along those emails. I laughed at those jokes. But then Pre-Algebra started getting hard and my braces were too tight to care anymore.
10) Forgetting that my wall is public:
Wall writing is for things that are short, sweet, and to the point. They are for things that are appropriate for all audiences. Anything else goes in a “message.” Thems the rules. This rule tends to be broken by: the long-winded, the assholes, and the old.
Finally, I need to say that there is one last faux pas: actually getting offended by what others do on Facebook. I mean, yeah, some people seriously don’t know when to stop sending you requests or posting weird things. But it’s Facebook, and you have the ability to delete whatever you want, all from the comfort of your couch. You also have the ability to go outside. So breathe, release your shoulders, maybe send them this post, and go make a sandwich.
But wait! Keep those shoulders hunched for one more second! I know there are things I’ve missed here. In fact, I secretly left a few out because I wanted a nice, even ten. What haven’t I mentioned? Leave me a comment (and leave your name/first initial/secret code name so I know who you are!)