Wednesday, January 13, 2010

As I Recall: Adam and Eve Lay Around Naked

So last night I remembered an old idea I had for a book: Bible Stories For Pop Culture Survival.

I used to work with someone who wasn't raised in any religion, and he rarely understood biblical allusions. Now, I in no way require this guy to read the Bible or believe in what it says. But I think he (and others who never learned Bible stories) should have an easy way to learn these stories. Then if someone calls him a Judas, he won't have to smile and nod. He'll know he needs to cut a bitch.

Here's my first attempt at one of these stories. WARNING: this is a Bible story as I remember it from my Sunday School days, with no references used. Because I think it'll be more interesting that way. I know I won't get everything right. Please allow me some creative freedom.

We start at the Beginning.

So in the Beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light" and BAM. There was light. Day one, accomplished. God dusted off his hands and said, "How do you like THEM apples?" And then he created apples.

God then spends the next six days creating everything ever. Stars, earth, water, animals, and man. This is apparently a very taxing thing to do, even for The Almighty, so on the seventh day he rested. I believe this is why we all rest one day a week.

Eventually, God decides that Adam, the man he created, needs someone to do his dishes and cater to his whim. So God takes a rib out of Adam and creates Eve. Adam recovers faster than someone on Lost, and everything is hunky dory. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden doing who-knows-what. I guess it was supposed to be paradise, although laying around naked in the grass with no internet and squirrels pointing at my bits doesn't sound like paradise to me, but...this was a bajillion years ago. Times change.

So God next invents reverse psychology and tells Adam and Eve that they are allowed to do whatever they want EXCEPT eat the fruit from some tree. Adam and Eve say "cool, got it" and stay away. UNTIL...

One day Eve is walking around, minding her own biz, being naked, when a snake starts talking to her. The snake is actually Voldemort. Err...I mean, Satan. And Satan thinks it would be HILARIOUS if Adam and Eve ate the fruit that God specifically said not to eat. So a little hissing, a little slithering, a little c'mon man, all the cool kids are doing it, and Eve is convinced. She runs to Adam and tells him to eat the fruit, too. Adam, who probably can't be bothered to listen to Eve because she had just come bouncing over to him naked, grabs the fruit and takes a bite.

At this point, I imagine everything goes down like in Aladdin, when Abu takes that big red gemstone in the Cave of Wonders. God gets pissed. He's all "HOW DARE YOU EAT THE FRUIT! YOU WILL NEVER--SEE THE LIGHT--OF DAAAAAAAAAY! *lava*" and Adam and Eve just stammer, "but....but..." and the snake smirks in the shadows.

So Adam and Eve are banished from paradise, and WORSE, they realize they are naked and they are ASHAMED. So they grab some fur and some leaves and sulk off to their place of banishment.

Next time: Noah builds an Ark and God sends a rainbow to say LOL JK


Anonymous said...

1) I didn't get the picture the first time I read this: let me say, nice additive! HILARIOUS!
2) Idea: Loved the connection to Aladdin! Very cool. SO, I was thinking that we could watch Disney movies (old school of course) and make Biblical connections all day. The next day, we co-write a book, get it published, make millions and gillions of dollars, pay off our student loans and finish with an ice-cold chocolate milk. Whatta think?

Anonymous said...

Hey, you forgot to mention that because of his snarky ways the serpent was no longer allowed to wear socks. One scholar suggests he was so ticked off that among Eve's descendents he fanned the lust for the 4-inch stilleto heel. Of course a whole other wing of scholarship says it wasn't heels but the infatuation with Crocs by which he darkened our hearts. The debate rages on. That's the church for you.

Emily said...

I don't know who wrote either of these comments. I adore them both. I do have guesses.

Also, chocolate milk = always.