Monday, December 14, 2009

Messed Up Christmas Lyrics

Today, while brushing my teeth I began humming Winter Wonderland. And it dawned on me: that song has some Messed. Up. Lyrics. Just a refresher:

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he’s Parson Brown
He'll say, “Are you married?”
We'll say: “No man,
But you can do the job when you're in town.”

Let me paint the scene for you. You and your loved one are walking around in a snowy, open field. You decide, hey! There’s lots of snow here. Let’s build a snowman and pretend like he’s our small town minister, Parson Brown. “What fun,” you laugh! “What a lark!” But suddenly, all this hilarious pretending turns BAT SHIT CRAZY when the snowman comes to life and starts talking to you. And what does he say? Not “Hey, check me out, I’m a talking snowman.” Oh, no. He turns to you, he turns to your loved one, and seeing the heathen thoughts behind your eyes, he quickly sizes up the matter and makes sure you’re married. Is this a swinger snowman? What kind of a first question is that?! "Hey, kids, nice to meet you. Are you married?"

And then as your answer to your Snowman Who Looks Like Your Pastor, you laugh and say, “Why no! We are not married! But now that you mention it, by golly, follow us! We’ll go back to town and you can marry us today! Because you are a snowman who can legally bind two people together.”

And don't even get me started on the changed lyrics. There is no way that I am about to create a snowman that looks like a clown. That shit is scary.

In conclusion, I leave you with these:

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