Babies, guys. Babies.
No. I am not pregnant. JEEZ! FRICKEN BREATHE.
This weekend the sun was shining, the douchebags were in shorts, and people were frollicking outside. It was awesome. And I totally forgot...I want a baby. Not my own baby. Not a baby I need to take care of. Not one that requires that I be pregnant and get no sleep and breastfeed and all that nonsense.
I just want a quiet 1-year-old to walk around with. Possibly the baby can wear a sun hat. Maybe baby glasses. See, now that it's nice out, the babies are out in full force. Wicker Park is chock-full of first-time parents with adorable, alternative babies.
OH MY GOD. TIME OUT! I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE BEST BABY OUTFIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE SO MUCH SO THAT IT REQUIRES ALL CAPS AND INCORRECT PUNCTUATION!!>!>!K"?!1.
It was an adorable young couple with a little Asian baby on the dad's shoulders wearing the outfit from this book.
She quite literally looked like this doll:
Including the foot-tall red peak standing straight toward the sky. I have never been so close to stealing a baby. And I have come seriously close before.
Anyway, in the winter I totally forgot how many babies and dogs there are in the world. But this weekend was a giant reminder that there are quite a few. And I want them all. If it weren't an issue of cruelty and cleanliness, I would become a baby and dog hoarder. I can see myself on A&E, trying to wade through the multitude I have built up. ("Emily, have you even SEEN this dachshund in the past year? Do you think you can let it go? Come on, Emily. Let's put down the dachshund." "But, but...I might NEED it...")
Joe is aware of my latent hoarding tendencies. It hasn't scared him away yet. I've done some pretty weird things around him, so screaming "REEEEER!" every time I see a dog smaller than my fist is probably the least of his concerns. And come on. Who DOESN'T make faces at smiling babies in strollers? It's human nature. There was a baby on the bus the other day who thought I was a comedic GENIUS. And I really was, I'm not going to lie. I mean, I'd look away--and then back. I should be some kind of baby stand up comic.
For now, my plan is to get my own cat. It will be my first pet since the time I sold my turtle to pay for a doll. We'll see if I can survive owning an animal whose primary life goal is to lay in the sun and lick his own thigh. Then I'll think about other possibilities.