Charlie's Memoirs

Argh! Last night I woke up at 4am and my brain was like, "Oh, you're awake! Good, let's think about all the stressful things that are going on in your life that you can't change because it's the middle of the night. So how 'bout them taxes, hmm? WHAT are you going to do about THOSE?"

That has nothing to do with today's post, I just needed to vent. It was obnoxious.

Today's post is actually all about Charlie! Yay! For those who do not know Charlie, he is Monica's cat. And he is a notorious cat-hater converter. Even my roommate was anti cat when she went to the Humane Society for a rabbit for her friend. But when Charlie walked over, curled up in her lap and fell asleep, I believe her exact words were, "And I shall name him Charlie."

I've been living with Charlie for over a year now, and it has been a lovely time. Charlie is full of very odd quirks, including the fact that he loves the taste of tape, and he loves to hide little things under the rug. His favorite thing to hide under the rug are pens. It was quite a mystery to us. Why pens? Why the rugs? Until I figured it out: he is hiding the pens for safekeeping so that when we leave, he can write his memoirs.

And what would you know? This morning when I woke up, I discovered those memoirs! It's quite a thick manuscript, so I thought I'd share with you some excerpts.

Ahemahemahemahem:

My Life: Meow
By Charlie Cat



Today was sunny. My friends the birds were out in full force. I meowed at them to come play with me, but they twittered obnoxiously and flew off. Typical.



Found a bottle cap today. Put it away for Mom. If she ever needs it, it'll be where she can find it, under the couch.

Emily tried to pick me up, so I climbed on her back. Did you know there are things on top of the counters? Astounding.



Travis tried to push me over, but I showed him. That's the last time he'll rub my belly without permission.

What a great day. Found a new sunbeam.



Emily's arm hair was especially dirty earlier. It's a thankless job, making sure she's properly groomed each day. I had to give her a few nips to remind her who's in charge.

Tried to keep everyone from leaving by rolling on the carpet and being completely adorable. Sigh...they'll be back.



Ate too much cat food, had to work off the extra calories by running from the living room to the kitchen and back four times. Note to self: show Mom the place I puked when she gets home.

Did NOT fall off the couch on accident today, and anyone who says otherwise is lying.

Someone left out scotch tape! On a separate note, stomach feels a little weird.



Chapter 6: Things That Are Mine: The dresser is mine. The fridge is mine. The computers are mine. The DVDs are mine. The lamp is mine. All shoes are mine. Emily's nose is mine. The door frames are mine...

Helped Mom put the sheets on her bed and fold laundry. There was a mouse in the sheets, I'm sure of it, but it got away. Next time. Next time.



Walked into the living room and ignored everyone. Next time maybe they'll remember to save the tuna juice for those in need.

Whoever this Trader Joe is, he makes a quality cat cave.



Bounding skills in tip top shape. May have left claw marks on Emily's stomach.

Brought Mom two balls and a glove last night. She didn't even seem impressed. Better meow louder tonight.

Found a box. Sat in it. Tasted great.