Monday, February 22, 2010

Talking Derby

Question: Did I spend most of my weekend watching Gilmore Girls and eating butter cookies?
Answer: Did you REALLY need to ask that?

Question: Did I also have a rockin' weekend?
Answer: Why yes! Yes I did!

On Saturday I had an awesome date night with Joe, which you do not need to hear about EXCEPT for the fact that I have learned something viciously important to your lives: Nutella-flavored things are disappointing--HEAR ME OUT! Please, everyone, put down your pitchforks and your barraging tree trunks. Now, obviously, Nutella in the raw is the single greatest thing in existence. But Nutella cheesecake? Just tastes like chocolate cheesecake. It's a sad, harsh reality to just have thrown upon you, I know. But those are the facts. And sooner or later, you're just going to have to face them.

But enough with such trivialities!
For a solid fourteen-or-so hours now, I have had a whole new take on life, Nutella be damned (Yeah, I said it. WHAT.) Guys. I am in love with the roller derby.

Ever since my time as a tomboy, I have longed for such a lifestyle. My inner self actually has a slim, boyish figure, short, wind-swept blue hair, and tattoos up and down my arms. Of what? I don't know. But there they are.

I never really embraced my badass, blue-haired tomboyness, though. For one thing, I am not actually badass at all (see previous Gilmore statement.) Also, I just don't have the strong jaw/flat chest combination that I feel the look truly requires.

But yesterday I saw my first roller derby, and it has given me new hope for my inner blue hair.

First of all, these girls wear spankies. And I'm sorry, but I would look HOT whipping through time and space in a pair of those bad boys. What can I say? I've got good legs. Even if I gained 50 pounds, my legs would still be nice. Granted, I would look like a giant potato on toothpicks, but for some reason, the legs would still be intact. Thanks, genetics!

Secondly, cool names. In roller derby, you get to have a hardcore, kick ass new name! All you do is take your name and you use a pun to make yourself sound totally badass. Like Juanna Rumbel, Mel Content, or Zombea Arthur. I haven't quite decided on what mine should be, but I'm leaning toward Emily Killjoy or Death Shepard.

Thirdly, hip checks. So here's how roller derby works: There's an oval rink. Most girls on both teams are in one pack going in one direction. There are two girls in the back who have to fight through the pack and get to the front. They get points for passing girls on the other team. Basically, it's football going in one direction. (...With girls. On skates. In spankies.) So to be good, you've either gotta be wiley and fast and get through a pack of rock star girls, or you've gotta be one of those rock star girls.

I always thought that I would be good at football if a girl's team existed (do NOT suggest "Powderpuff" to me unless you want a knee to the groin.) I considered for one second joining girls' rugby in college, but I didn't like the idea of no padding and flesh being bitten off. But roller derby! Roller derby is my calling! There are hip checks AND elbow pads! There's light pushing! There's butt bumping! There's the speed of skates without the instability of aligned wheels! And there are girls with tattoos on their thighs! I could be one of those girls!

I've been loosely researching derby things all morning now--where rinks are, how to get in, blue hair dye...most likely I'll put Whip It into my Netflix queue and call it a day. But there is a chance I will actually put my mind to something for once. Granted, I haven't been on a real sports team since tee ball in the first grade. But maybe this is my second chance at tomboyness! You know, in a...spankies and cleavage kind of way.


Hannah said...

"When you're out on your own"
(pan camera past and see hannah in a Rory wig)
"Feeling lonely, and so cold"
(you see Laura dressed as Lorelei, smiling and being all spunky)
"All you have to do is"
(Emily/Sooki walks by in an apron w/ a spatula in her hand)
"call my name"
(A surly Joe/Luke appears. You can tell by his plaid shirt and backwards cap that he JUST DOESN'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK)
"And I'll be there on the next train"
(Sky camera pans out at the four walk arm and arm down a dock and towards a sunset)

Hannah said...

The entire previous scene should be made in Sepia tone, with our names written in some sort of papyrus font hybrid.

Intejill said...

Let your inner blue hair come out! Even if it's streaks like mine! It took me a while to get over myself and commit to the blue, but I've got to say that I'm mighty happy with the results!

I'm glad you had a great time--Hope you keep coming to derby!

Asst. Head of Stats
Windy City Rollers
(who stood in the middle of the track and wore pants with numbers)

mom said...

Oh, I would love to see you do this! I would come to the derby and cheer you on! Please please! How fun! How bout Mayhem Milly? or the Em-timidator? The Evil Empress? Can you tell I've asked dad for suggestions?

Emily said...

I can tell you asked him--SO much so that I thought he actually wrote the post.

Also, Mom, I want you to know that I just watched Whip It, and you are the opposite of Marcia Gay Harding as tight-wad nay-sayer mother. And I greatly appreciate this.

Anonymous said...

You should totally try it! I know a couple people who are into roller derby (or were, until they broke limbs), and it sounds like a lot of fun. I'd try it myself if I didn't suspect that it's one of those weird competitive activities which prize the ability to do more than just "strap wheels to feet and not fall over".

elizabeth said...

"Granted, I would look like a giant potato on toothpicks"

Why are you making fun of me??? I can't help my genetics either! LOL!!! Thanks for coming out, hope to see you again.

Juanna Rumbel

Rachel said...

This is hilarious. Thank you for coming and hope to see you in March!

Jackie Daniels

Tina Flay said...

Why do all that tedious research yourself? Email and get signed up for our recruits board! They'll tell you exactly where all the rinks are, when they hold practices, when WCR holds extra special practices to teach you the derby skills they don't, and all that good stuff.

Thanks for coming out, hope to see you in March!

Tina Flay, Double Crosser

P.S. Jackie Daniels, who posted above me, is totally in "Whip It!" as herself.

Emily said...

a) I watched Whip It last night and we TOTALLY heard him say Jackie Daniels and got all excited! I didn't know it was actually her, though! (ps JD has the best skates and I was tooootally jealous. Slash intimidated.)

b) Holy crap, I am so close to having short blue hair right now. Dangerously close.

Zombea Arthur said...

go with this name!!
S. N. Emily

Emily said...

Zombea Arthur, you are officially my favorite. Not only because you have given me an awesome name, but because yours is so great. Yes, zombies are cool. But seriously? Who is anyone most afraid of? Why, the mighty wrath of one Dorothy Zbornak.