Bible stories are back!! It’s been a long time. I’m going through withdrawal. Withdrawal from my exponential descent into Hell.
Where to next, my friends? Well, my plan was to finally do a story about a woman who is not terrible. I considered Ruth. But after a quick read over her story, I discovered: nothing. Absolutely nothing. She was a widow who worked hard in a field and then got married. The End. Actually, the most interesting thing about Ruth is that her sister’s name is Orpah, which is what Oprah was supposed to be named, had her mom not messed it up. And ironically, I’m getting a little squiggly red line under Orpah and not Oprah. Which….I love.
So screw Ruth. I don’t need to hear about some namby-pamby goodie-goodie. I want someone who stirred up some shit! Someone who fights lions with his harp (or whatever.)
I want a man with stones. I want David.
Yeah, that’s right. This kid’s hardcore.
Of course we start this story a little before David: Currently, the king of Israel is this guy Saul. And God is none too happy with him. I guess God is able to regret decisions because HOOOO boy, was this a sloppy one. For one thing: Saul doesn’t kill enough people. I mean, I think that’s reason enough there to knock him off his throne.
So God sends this guy, Samuel, out to search for the next king. I’m not exactly sure who Samuel is or what his job is, but I’m pretty sure it’s a whole ‘nother story considering he has two books of the Bible: 1 Samuel, and Samuel The Sequel, Samuel Takes Manhattan.
Samuel goes out searching for the next king. God tells him to go to this guy, Jesse, because God has chosen one of his sons. If you’re wondering why he doesn’t just straight up tell him WHICH of the sons, welllll it’s all part of the story. Suspended reality, people. Because God also warns Samuel not to be looking for size or strength, but for heart. Of course, Samuel ignores this and asks to take a look at Jesse’s seven sons. Here, I imagine him like Bugs Bunny at the greyhound race, rubbing his chin and lifting their haunches for meatiness. But none of Jesse’s sons are given the go-ahead by God. Samuel asks Jesse if those are all of his sons, and Jesse replies that he has one more, David, the youngest, out with the sheep. Samuel demands he be brought in, and he’s the WINNER! Bells and whistles go off and a big blinking arrow is pointing toward David that says, “KING.” So that settles it. We’ve found the One. Now how to overturn Saul?
Well, I’m glad you asked. Because meanwhile, Saul is being tormented by an evil spirit from God (this seems a little “stop hitting yourself” to me, but...moving on.) His servants, in all their wise servantness, suggest he find someone to play the harp for him to calm the evilness. So they find David, who is one hell of a harpist, and make him come back to Saul to play for him. This pleases Saul, so he commands that David stay with him to calm his spirits whenever they arise.
Some time later, a great battle is a-brewin’. The Philistines (seriously, when will we get rid of these guys?!) are on one mountain, and Saul’s army is on the other, with a valley between them. Seems simple enough. But there’s just oooooone problem. The Philistines have Shaq. Uh, I mean Goliath. Goliath is “six cubits and a span.” Which I immediately looked up because I was really hoping that meant he was, like, 5 foot 10. But no. This guy is 9 foot 9. Yikes. The tallest man in modern history was 8 foot 11, if you were wondering.
Goliath comes out and he’s covered in armor and he has some seriously heavy weapons on him. And he taunts the Israelites, “Alright, which one of you pansies has the balls to fight me? Tell you what. If he manages to kill me, we’ll become your servants. But if I win, you have to become ours.” Which, in my opinion, is a selfish promise because if he dies, he’d never have to become anyone’s servant.
So the Philistines waited for someone to come forth. They waited for forty days. (If you are ever on Cash Cab and Ben Bailey asks you a Biblical trivia question with a number for the answer, SAY FORTY. Don’t think; just scream FORTY.) While the Philistines wait, David brings food from home to his brothers who are there. David hears Goliath taunting them, and then overhears some men saying, “Oh man, if someone defeated Goliath, the king would probably make him rich and give him his daughter.” David whips his neck around. “Say what now?”
David marches on over to his buddy the king and announces that HE would fight Goliath. Saul laughs him off, of course, because David is still just a boy. But David responds, “Look, Homes. I’m a shepherd. And whenever a lion or bear comes after my sheep, I punch them right in the mouth. So no two-bit, uncircumcised asshole is going to trash talk me and my family, you got it?” (Seriously, he did use “uncircumcised” as an insult. Feel the burn, Goliath. Feel it.)
Saul’s like, “Okay then! Peace be with you, my boy.” He gives David a bunch of armor, but it's so heavy, David can’t even walk in it. So, hardcore move #2, he refuses any armor. Instead, he picks up five smooth stones, puts them in his pocket, and walks on up to the Philistines.
Goliath, of course, laughs and makes fun of David. And David gives it right on back. It’s pretty great. He’s like, “You’ve got a sword, but I’ve got a bad ass God, motherfucker! Hiiiiiiii-ya!” And he slings one of his stones at Goliath. It hits Goliath right in the middle of the forehead and kills him immediately. Hardcore move #3: David runs over to Goliath and cuts off his head with Goliath’s own sword.
As the Israelites chase the now fleeing Philistines, we cut to Saul, brooding over David in the distance. Turning to the commander of the army, he asks, “Whose son is this young man?” (Uh, hello? It’s the boy who played away your evil spirits?) The Commander in chief shakes his head. “I don’t know, sire.” A shadow falls over Saul’s eyes. The dramatic music rises and we cut tight on Saul as his face darkens.
“Bring him to me.”
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.