Hey I Was A Teenage Dirtbag, Baby

I could not fall asleep last night. And do you know why? It wasn't because I was stressed. It wasn't because I had a big day ahead of or behind me. It wasn't because I'd had a Dr. Pepper for dinner and was more wired than a cat on narcotics.

It was because of something I did my freshman year of high school. Let me back up.

I've never explained to you about Teenage Boyfriend. I call him Teenage Boyfriend not because he is a teenager now (weird) but because I was literally in love with him from the age of 13 through the age of 20. I even managed to date him for four of those years. He loved me, I loved him...he was hot...what else is there to say? We were going to get married and have a million babies and no one could convince me otherwise. Those who tried just DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. What part of he-knows-my-favorite-TCBY-flavor-it's-real-love aren't you people hearing??

So TB and I were about 15 when my church did a talent show. A talent show which I wanted to be a part of. The only problem is, I had no real talent. Um, I could play the Apollo 13 song on my trumpet? No...all my trumpet endeavors always ended badly and usually involved clogged spit valves. What else can I showcase for a few dozen people? Oh I know. My undying love for Teenage Boyfriend. This is sure to go well.

God. I don't know WHY I did 99% of the things I did when I was 15, but I really think this one takes the cake. So I decided that my genius idea would be to take the lyrics to this ever-so classic song:


...and I would slightly rewrite it. And then sing it. A capella. In front of my church. To my 15-year-old boyfriend.

*facepalm*

Honestly, the memory of that day will live in infamy in my mind. It is so embarrassing to me now that I literally lay awake at night, tossing and turning at the thought. WHY. WHY did you do that? I had to BEG my boyfriend to come to the talent show in the first place. I'm not actually a marvelous singer, so I'm sure there was off-key warbling in there, too. Then after I sang it, my father (who was of course the MC of the night) said, "Thank you, Emily. That was...enlightening." I turned bright red and sat down. There was polite (and probably embarrassed) clapping, and I'm not sure TB even said a word to me or looked at me. He was completely mortified. I had been so convinced that everyone would think it was so cute, and my boyfriend would find me endearing and think I was just the best girlfriend in the whole wide world. Instead, I got avoided glances for the rest of the night, and a few people lightly clapping me on the shoulder as if to say, "Buck up, Sport."

I just needed to tell you all about it, because holding it inside for one more day was one more day of me showing the world that I think my behavior was acceptable. And it wasn't.

But really, now that I read over it, maybe it wasn't the worst thing to happen in the world. It's not like I sang it naked or something. I was an innocent, hormone-ridden teenager in love. Was it so stupid to sing to her boyfriend that she wanted to grow old with him? *shudder, shudder* Yes it was. Yes it was indeed.

Blech. Does that Eternal Sunshine memory-erasing contraption thing exist yet? I would really appreciate it.