Monday, April 5, 2010

Man Thighs: And Don't Mind If I Do.

Reading over my posts last week, I realized they were all very negatively charged. I'd like to say it's because it was the last week of Lent and I was going through some kind of withdrawal, but the only thing I'd given up was cooking my own meals and doing crunches at the gym.

I don't want you all to think I am some kind of constantly negative, angry person. I'm really quite optimistic. So today I'd like to tell you about my single greatest love in the whole world:

Man thighs.

Can you feel the love? Can you feel it emanating from my heart, into my keyboard, through the series of tubes, and straight to your soul?

I was introduced to the power of man thighs through Sara. We were watching Arrested Development together and she pointed out that the hilarity of Gob dangling from a crane in a banana suit rests in the fact that his man thighs are so funny to look at.

For some reason, Adrienne has been trying to explain why man thighs are so great to some friends, and has asked me to help. The problem is, describing why man thighs are amazing is kind of like describing why chocolate is amazing. "Um...because it's amazing?" But since some people don't really understand the majesty, let me try to break it down for you.

Reasons Why Man Thighs Are Hilarious

1. The simple fact that they are rarely seen.

They're such an anomaly! I mean, come on. When was the last time you saw some full man thigh action? Any time you have, I'm sure it was 90-100% hilarious. That's just a fact. I mean, we're not going to get into specifics around here about how exactly you came to be face-to-face with man thighs, but I'm going to assume that, whatever the situation, and whether real or through some sort of tv or computer screen, it was an awkward/amazing encounter. Purely because it's something you aren't used to seeing. There was probably some gawking, maybe a little giggling.

I'm not sure how people felt about man thighs in the 70s when men were walking around with short shorts all the time. Maybe then it was normal and fine. But Joe and I just watched the Muppet Movie, and this miraculous thing happened:

That is Steve Martin in his heyday, looking fantastic, and sporting some very nice-looking man thighs. And since I was not used to seeing 70s Steve Martin or his man thighs, I found myself in a fit of giggles about them.

Side note, because you know how much I love the Muppets, especially 70's Gonzo-- Look at how adorable Gonzo used to be in his little vest and belt.

Okay back to man thigh love.

2. Lack of exposure to sun, or: Milkiness.

This one is directly correlated to #1. Since man thighs stay so sadly hidden beneath layers of clothes, they don't get much sunlight. Hence, man thighs stay a natural, lighter tone. For the white man (for whom man thighs are the most hilarious due to creaminess [it's science]) this puts their man thighs at a nice ivory. Eggshell. Mother of pearl.

3. They're so sturdy.

Even though the word "sturdy" makes me uncomfortable, I can't help but use it to describe man thighs. Women have this lovely gift from God called "cellulite." But men's muscles are designed a different way. I don't really know how it works. Alls I know is: man thighs are biologically more solid. Thick. They were built for round-housing mastodons. AND BOY, COULD THEY. It is my opinion that the more tree trunk-like your man thighs, the better.

4. The hairiness factor.

Nothing is more disappointing than a man with either no hair on his man thighs, or super hairy man thighs. Because the best way to go, truly, is the splotchy-hairy. Really, is anything funnier than splotchy-hairiness?

Quick answer: no.

I hope that clears things up for you nay-sayers. Does anyone have any other thoughts? Any better reason why man thighs are so majestic?


Rah said...

Dear Editor,
I would like to request a retraction of this statement: "That is Steve Martin in his heyday, looking fantastic, and sporting some very nice-looking man thighs."
1) It is just offensive to think that Steve Martin's heyday is past tense - he is still and will perpetually be in his heyday.
2) He's my adopted father/uncle/grandfather - I'm undecided -don't judge. As a family member, I feel obligated to stand up for him and his man-thighs as it were.
Sincerely, Rah

Gorsky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gorsky said...

Man thighs- also my favorite thing about Reno 911

(I deleted my first posting because I wrote man things instead of thighs, I thought that joke was too easy...)

Emily said...

Ooh, Reno 911. Good call. I also tried to find a picture of John Travolta in Grease when he wears the gym uniform, but to no avail.