Thursday, April 1, 2010


Happy Matzah Day, everyone! And why is tonight unlike all other nights? Because it is April Fool’s Day. And I better not have to cut a bitch.

April Fool’s day is the most horrid, most putrid day of the year. And not just because of the collective smell from Saran Wrapped toilet seats.

I hate practical jokes. Hate them. And if you play one on me, I WILL get angry. There is no “Ha ha ha ha…oh YOU” with me. There is only “WHAT THE F--K IS WRONG WITH YOU I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE AND I WILL BREAK YOUR FAVORITE STUFF AND WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN I WILL TELL THEM THAT SANTA CLAUS IS YOU.”

That is how seriously I take practical jokes. I just don’t understand them. Why would you purposely trick someone unless you hate them? Why would you ruin someone’s day…on purpose? My entire goal each day is ALREADY to a) not do something stupid and look like an asshole
b) not be repulsive to be around.

Basically, April Fool’s Day is the opposite of everything I stand for.

It’s not just the fact that practical jokes are inherently mean. It’s also the idea that people are conspiring against me. I hate when everyone else knows something I don’t, and I find out they’ve been lying to me. That’s why I have made very specific rules against surprise birthday parties. I have never been thrown one, and I like it that way. My parents learned their lesson early, when I was probably…oh…four? My family gathered in some room in our house on my birthday. And when I walked in, they started singing “Happy Birthday.” I ran out of the room crying and threw myself face-first onto my bed and bawled my eyes out. It was probably adorable. I hope it was heartbreaking. Serves them right for talking about me behind my back.

I realize that this post is so anger-ridden, especially on a day that is all about jokes. But that’s what April Fool’s Day is to me: a day of anger and spite. And if I can do one thing for you today, it is to make you hurt a little, too, so that you remember the hardships of your past: the tears of the slaves, the unleavened bread, and that time your brother put a rubber band around the nozzle of the water sprayer in the kitchen.

EDIT: It's my work partner's birthday today, and they're forcing me to lure him to a surprise party with lies! I've become everything I hate! This is for referencing Judaism inappropriately, isn't it? ...I knew it.


Rah said...

Everytime I read "I knew it" from you, I automatically hear you saying it like Chandler and then I think of the next song after that scene on the Friends cd. :P And I originally thought our friendship was built on our differences, but now I've come to realize that maybe not. I hate surprises and I especially hate April 1 (a great wedding day if it weren't for the stupid "fools"). Lova.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad about luring hI'm to the surprise party -- as much as you hate surprises, someone else may love them!!

mom said...

I believe the birthday incident was when you turned 5. This was a disappointing birthday for you all around since you also could not tie you shoes the day you turned five. ("You TOLD me when I was 5 I would learn to tie my shoes *sob*")

Emily said...

Haha, Rah I actually was going for more of a Tommy Boy "I knew it" in this case.

We have some big differences, but in our weird idiosyncrasies, we could be twins.

Hannah said...

false. I taped the nozzle down on the sink thingy. and Mom got soaked right before work.

and it was hilarious. I stand by April Fools.