Happy Matzah Day, everyone! And why is tonight unlike all other nights? Because it is April Fool’s Day. And I better not have to cut a bitch.
April Fool’s day is the most horrid, most putrid day of the year. And not just because of the collective smell from Saran Wrapped toilet seats.
I hate practical jokes. Hate them. And if you play one on me, I WILL get angry. There is no “Ha ha ha ha…oh YOU” with me. There is only “WHAT THE F--K IS WRONG WITH YOU I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE AND I WILL BREAK YOUR FAVORITE STUFF AND WHEN YOU HAVE CHILDREN I WILL TELL THEM THAT SANTA CLAUS IS YOU.”
That is how seriously I take practical jokes. I just don’t understand them. Why would you purposely trick someone unless you hate them? Why would you ruin someone’s day…on purpose? My entire goal each day is ALREADY to a) not do something stupid and look like an asshole
b) not be repulsive to be around.
Basically, April Fool’s Day is the opposite of everything I stand for.
It’s not just the fact that practical jokes are inherently mean. It’s also the idea that people are conspiring against me. I hate when everyone else knows something I don’t, and I find out they’ve been lying to me. That’s why I have made very specific rules against surprise birthday parties. I have never been thrown one, and I like it that way. My parents learned their lesson early, when I was probably…oh…four? My family gathered in some room in our house on my birthday. And when I walked in, they started singing “Happy Birthday.” I ran out of the room crying and threw myself face-first onto my bed and bawled my eyes out. It was probably adorable. I hope it was heartbreaking. Serves them right for talking about me behind my back.
I realize that this post is so anger-ridden, especially on a day that is all about jokes. But that’s what April Fool’s Day is to me: a day of anger and spite. And if I can do one thing for you today, it is to make you hurt a little, too, so that you remember the hardships of your past: the tears of the slaves, the unleavened bread, and that time your brother put a rubber band around the nozzle of the water sprayer in the kitchen.
EDIT: It's my work partner's birthday today, and they're forcing me to lure him to a surprise party with lies! I've become everything I hate! This is for referencing Judaism inappropriately, isn't it? ...I knew it.