Thursday, April 8, 2010

10 Reasons Why Unemployment Rocks My Pants Off (Literally.)

Well, my freelancing gig is over for now. It was pretty awesome, though. I made connections, I got to write for money, and I think I proved that I actually deserve to be employed. Yippee!

But for now (and through until at least Monday), I am technically unemployed again. And, frankly, I'm pumped.

To explain this, let me take y'all on back to Emily circa February 2009. I spent the morning hopped up on Firing Day adrenaline, wringing my hands and being assured by everyone that there was no way I would be let go. I'm young, I'm hip, and they essentially pay me in shiny rocks.

Cut to that afternoon. Bloodbath. I am holding a neon yellow folder that holds a bunch of papers I've signed promising God-knows-what and a pamphlet with FAQs about Cobra.

Good times.

Our group packed up essentials (for me, that was four Ninja Turtles, my collection of flip flops and a stapler that was not stolen and definitely belonged to me.) We headed home to drink. AND DRINK WE DID. By dinnertime, I was feeling good. I was feeling REAL good. My parents called me once they heard my message and assured me I'd be back on my feet in no time. Jane's mother told her to get fat.

What I remember very distinctly, though, was the realization that I didn't have to go to work that Monday. And that led to the realization that I didn't have to go to work all WEEK. That project I was working on? Done. I am physically not ALLOWED to work on it anymore. And that led me to realize one very specific thing: I could READ. I could pick up a book and I could curl up on the couch, and I could read it. Any book I wanted. Just me, Mr. Darcy, and Charlie.

Since then, I have had a large amount of time to be funemployed. I have also had some good spurts of time to be regular ol' employed. And I have to say, as much as I do love being a copywriter, I am always pretty psyched for unemployment again. Let me break it down for you.

1. Pants.

Do I have to wear them? No I don't.
Do I wear them? Oh you, with your questions.

2. Sleep.

Do I get some? Yes I do.

3. Grocery shopping.

When I'm employed, I'm like the rest of society: I make a list, run in, get only the things I need, go home, realize I've forgotten three essential things, give up, and make myself a peanut butter & turkey sandwich in between two pancakes.

When I'm unemployed, going to the grocery store is an all-day event. I saunter down the aisles. I'm comparing prices, I'm picking out new brands of cheese, I'm taking the time to ponder how many flavors there are of Cheerios, I'm coming up with recipe ideas on the fly...basically, I'm an in-store marketer's dream. Why, what's this? A coupon for 5 cents off Jimmy Dean with any four dozen eggs? What a steal! Let me mosey on back to the meat section and...wait, not this meat section. It must be in another one. Hold on, why aren't the sausages with the bacon? Oh, they're over with the pre-cooked chicken. No, I was just over there. The DAIRY section? Why would they be in the dairy section? Weird.

4. The gym

Not only do I have time to go to the gym when I'm unemployed, I get to choose to go whenever the hell I want to. I don't wake up early, I don't have to plot out a spare hour or so when I can go. I just look at the clock, go "well about that time, eh mate?" pull on my Nikes and walk out the door. And do you know who else is there? No one. No one except a few other poor unemployed schmoes like myself. There are not scary muscle guys on my machines, I even get to choose which elliptical I want (near the front so I can stare out the window, but not too far front where I think people are watching me wiping my bra sweat. And when I realize that I just laughed out loud at something Wilson said to Al, it's okay. Because no one is around me to notice.

5. Charlie time

Question: Is Charlie currently spooning with me and also licking my chin for some reason?
Answer: Not anymore. He has now switched positions so that I am forced to smell his butt.

6 Joe time

This one is pretty key, of course. I figure when Joe and I move in together, I'll inherently see him more. Maybe work will even become a welcome break from seeing his mug. But for now, when I'm employed, I don't get as much face time with the man, which has therefore also equaled less back massages. Because I am dating a boy who gives back massages without asking. Yeah. He's pretty much amazing. You're jealous.

7. Me + TBS = BFFs 4 life

8. Me + internets x Adrienne = constant entertainment

9. Volunteering

I get to volunteer during the day when I am unemployed. Which is sometimes a pain in my ass, but really it's great getting to work with kids and feel like I'm helping things. Again, love copywriting, but am I really helping society in any way by convincing you to buy more shampoo?

10. Bloggery

And finally, I have all the time in the world to blog. Which is really quite nice, considering some of these posts have taken me hours to concoct. And you know what would be a great way to show your appreciation? Why, by clicking over there on the right and voting for this blog on the Blogger's Choice Awards! You can vote for as many as you want in each category--and seriously, you should also vote for 2birds1blog and Hyperbole and a Half. And read them religiously. But also vote for mine! Because, come on. I'm funnier than half those dumb blogs up there right now. Plus, all the cool kids are doing it.

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