Thursday, September 1, 2011

Scenes From A Camera Phone

Okay guys. This one is a doozy. It is officially September now, and what better time to reflect on the past year than in September (I know, it makes no sense. Work with me here. It's Adrienne's birthday, so let's say I'm reflecting on HER past year or whatever. JUST SHUT UP ALREADY I FELT LIKE DOING THIS AND I DIDN'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL DECEMBER SO I'M DOING IT NOW AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME)

See? Do you see what you've done? You made me go all caps lock early in the post and scare away new people who are now nervous about what I might do or say next and don't appreciate getting yelled at, like you all clearly do.

HANYWAY. So I'm looking through my phone and realizing how many insane, random pictures I have in here of things I've observed. Now, if you don't have a camera on your phone, or a proper one as I'm pretty sure everyone over the age of 3 has a camera phone, you are missing out on the true reason to get one: random observational pictures. I am particularly fond of taking pictures of weird-looking people in Chicago or ads that give me Scrunch Face. It is up to you to determine what weird, nonsense things you take pictures of. Because it is a digital world and taking pictures of a dude with a big fro is no longer considered a waste of film, it is a miracle sent by baby Jesus. Not grown-up Jesus; he wouldn't stand for that kind of crap. But baby Jesus is probably cool with it.

God, I'm in a really weird mood right now, I'm sorry. MOVING ON.

So without further ado, here, in chronological order, are a crap ton of pictures of things I've taken pictures of, mostly in Chicago (except I squeezed in a few San Fran ones in there in the end. Sorry, SF, you aren't getting away so easy.)

This is one of Jane Lynch's costumes from Glee (and I love how long it was on the mannequin), and it was at Claire's, of all places. They had all this "I <3 Finn" and "I <3 That Asshole Guy With The Mohawk Who No One Should Love Because He Is The Worst" memorabilia, but NO "I <3 Sue Sylvester" stuff. Apparently Claire's is for 13 year-old girls and NOT 26 year-old women with emotional attachments to tall sassy women.

As promised, dude with a fro. AND HOW.

You know what? It wasn't MY fault that we were playing jenga next to a plate of nachos at the bar. I STILL refuse to take the fall for that. (Get it? FALL?!)

Praise be to the person who corrected this sign. It makes me eternally happy.

Fine. I give up on the why-do-female-mannequins-have-nipples fight because apparently it is a losing battle. But really, do we need MOOBS on our male mannequins? Can American men not picture an outfit unless it resembles their soft, shapeless form?

Joe and I joke that any time we see a sign like this (which says "best in town") we think of Elf. "YOU DID IT! Congratulations."

How. Amazing. Is. This. And how sad that I never look up and it took me months to notice.

This was at the wedding where the guy told us, "No offense, but you LOOK like you're from Chicago." Read that post. Then look at those blonde women. I rest my case.

At that same wedding, we looked around and realized that there was a potential mob boss at every table. The man was at a wedding reception in an undershirt. I was 100% terrified of him.

Mullet fauxhawk. Sadly, this combo is not like where you THINK that fries and shake will not mix and then you try them and are pleasantly surprised.

I don't even know what to do with this bumper sticker. Are you mocking? Are you serious? I don't know how to feel! And yet I love it!

For an apartment finder company in Chicago. That's some of the best graffiti I've seen to date.

You can't tell from this picture, but this was rush hour. REALLY, sir? REALLY?!

Oh this was one of the best. This was a man in a suit, pushing himself around the el car with his feet while in a wheelchair, eating a pint of ice cream with a screwdriver. At 8 in the morning.

This is, from head to toe, what Joe wears 90% of his waking life. The Gap, you just blew my mind.


Either Nick Cannon is REALLY good at balancing food in a bag, or someone with my same level of abilities at Photoshop had some fun with the drop shadow.

I'm sad, I forgot about this guy when I put together my post recently about the cute things I accidentally drew. Look at how adorable he is!

That is a woman. Walking a dog. With another dog in a stroller. All three of them have the same hair.

Science nerd humor in advertising. I'm Emily, and I support this message.

Reasonable prices? For whom, Whole Foods? The Queen?

Does anyone look at this and NOT see Robin Williams?

The funny thing is, this man only looks about 150 pounds from the front.

Lest you think I'm size-ist from that last picture of the big guy, here is a girl who was SO skinny, her jeggings did not hug her ankles. It was scary. I hope she is okay.

Obligatory Adorable Old Man Photo

I bank while picking out my wedgie.

This guy could hardly walk because he was low-riding his skinny jeans and it looked RIDICULOUS.

This picture isn't weird, it was just my first trip to Chick-fil-a and I wanted you all to be jealous.

Oh so fine, I go away for ONE extended weekend and THESE GUYS show up?!?! BAH!! WHAT IS THE POINT.

As soon as Adrienne and I poured our "Butterbeer" (aka Butterscotch liqueur and cream soda) in celebration of having seen all 8 Harry Potter movies together, an impressionable 10 year-old boy sat down next to us. Whoopsie.

Was this Halloween? Was this a costume party? No. This was a group of ladies out on the town. And one of them had on a mask. And she didn't even have the decency to sing "Music Of The Night."

Obligatory Old People Standing Weird Photo

So....this exists.

Basically everything you need then? I mean, it's practically a Wal-Mart.

BUT WHERE?!?!?!?!?

One way I know Joe and I are meant to be together is our creepy ability to know what is going on with the other person when not with them. The day everyone got laid off, I had had a COUPLE PBRs and texted him a schmoopy text saying "I love you SO MUCH." and his response: "You're eating fries, aren't you?" I sent back this picture.

I have such glee at the fact that my air conditioner goes to eleven.

Old couple wearing weird shoes. I don't know, it seemed funny at the time. Leave me alone, they can't all be winners.

This was parked a few blocks from my house. I don't even know what to tell you about it. I mean, I guess good that the driver of this vehicle does not believe murder is the answer...but do you have to be so "if the Manson Family killed someone in a car" about it?

This was at Asian-style group karaoke last weekend. That is Hootie and the Blowfish "Let Her Cry" and we were informed that the hip hop dancing in the background was by the "Korean Usher." Obviously this makes sense.

And that has been my favorite pictures from the past 12 months! I hope I have encouraged you to take a few more stealth photos yourself.

1 comment:

Liketohike said...

I always love your hilarious photos!

They wish they were pecs, but they are moobs.

Read that post. Then look at the fur coat. I rest my case.

Wow, Awkward Old Couple. Wow.

I have to take a pic for you tomorrow. A house around the block from me got a new front door, and I'm pretty sure it defines the phrase "putting lipstick on a pig."