The wedding was for Joe's godfather's son, so I had little to worry about but looking pleasant and shaking hands while saying "congratulations" a bunch of times. Thank God my level of awkwardness has gone down in recent years because I think I managed to pull off these simple tasks quite well. Five years ago? Forget it. "Oh so you're married, that's cool. I mean it's not cool, it's nice....or, fun? Oh this? It's a toothpaste stain mixed with a deodorant stain that I didn't notice until halfway through the vows. Congratumotions. Or whatever..."
The wedding was lovely. Everyone was very nice. The priest looked and sounded like a Super Fan, and I kept waiting to hear him give thanks for Ditka. The music all came from one pianist who looked and sounded like Michael Moore. There was giggling.
At the reception, we were placed with the other random young people--the boyfriend of a bridesmaid, a childhood friend of the groom, that kind of thing. Everything was going as expected, until we started talking about where we were all from. Joe and I announced that we were from Chicago. This caused a guy in his early twenties, wearing a plaid green button down and cargo pants, to say to us: "No offense, but you look like you're from Chicago."
"No offense, but you look like you're from Chicago."
Wh.....what? What?????1 What does that even MEAN? I tried to get the guy to clarify by joking, "Oh, because we're so classy?" Got a chuckle. "Because we look like a couple of douches?"...more chuckles. I AM SERIOUS, SIR. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Also, is there a better way to offend someone than by saying "no offense"? I didn't even know it was an offensable thing to look like I'm from Chicago. Maybe if he was from New York or Paris or LA and I was wearing a scrunchie, I would get it...but coming from a guy who looks like he took his wedding attire from a mannequin at Old Navy and lives in Morris, Illinois--the epicenter of, what, Steak & Shakes? I'm not sure exactly what you think someone from Chicago LOOKS like, but apparently it is this:
And YES, I spelled "cardigan" with an h for no reason whatsoever. WHAT.
But seriously, I don't know what that means. Because without the "no offense" I would have just taken it as: a little hipster, a little classy. But WITH the "no offense", WHAT? Can anyone clarify this for me? What is the stereotype of Chicagoans that we fulfilled so terribly?
3 comments:
Living in The Middle (of nowhere Indiana) as I do, I would definitely say it is the hipster stuff. Please clarify: Were your hipster tights a fun color? That and Joe's "shimmery orange" tie would do it for a bumpkin like your Old Navy Mannequin friend.
Also, "No offense" is code for "I'm awkward and I like to spread my awkwardness around by making people feel bad." Or something like that.
Well, they were gray. So not like insane, really. I mean, we probably looked a little hipster, especially to a bumpkin. I guess I just don't feel offended by looking hipster--it's kinda what I was going for!
Well, maybe "no offense" actually kept its intended meaning in this case! Maybe it really meant "I'm about to say something that you may be sensitive about, but I don't mean to hurt your feelings." And you ended up not being sensitive about it. So there.
Also, you know in Holy Grail where one guys asks how the other guy knows King Arthur is the king and he replies "Because he hasn't got shit on him"? Perhaps that applies here, too. You didn't fit in in a good way.
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