I have something semi-serious to talk about. Sorry, I assume you came here thinking I'd be talking about Aunt Meryl at the Oscars, but I have an issue I'd like to bring up which I've been thinking about since Saturday. But Meryl would be proud of my seriousness. If it helps, imagine I'm in a sparkling gold dress and wearing turtle shell frames while we discuss.
AHEM.
Ladies and their periods--AM I RIGHT?
Just kidding. So I want to talk about women in politics. In a VERY general way, because if there are two things I know nothing about, it is politics and the people who care about them.
Joe and I just watched Ides of March. The one with the Clooney/Gosling half face. You know. So the premise of the movie--no spoilers--is that Clooney is a politician trying to become president, there is backstabbing and secrets, and things get real.
When the movie was over, I turned to Joe and made this observation:
All these characters are men. And they all lie and hurt each other and say all these really abrasively rude things to each other. They sneak around and do whatever it takes to win. But because they're men, it'll all just blow over eventually. They may hate each other inside but in general it's all, "OH WELL! C'est la vie! What are you gunna do? It is what it is. Six of one. Sleeping dogs. Don't count your chickens. ETC." And they'd all probably work with each other again. It's like there's no such thing as a burned bridge.
But I don't believe that's how women would work. After all the bad things happened, women would be mortal enemies, sworn to hate each other until the day they die. They couldn't work with each other! They'd barely be able to be in the same room as one another. MAYBE they'd be able to grin and bear it, but it would NEVER be water under the bridge. They would carry those transgressions with them to the GRAVE.
Hell, I myself got into a fight with one of my best friends about whether or not she was being passive aggressive, and it completely tore us apart.
I'm not saying that either way is right. I'm just making an observation about how the two genders deal with conflict. And with the way that politics works, with its inherent back stabbing, degrading speak, and coercion, maybe the reason there are so few women in politics is because they just don't play that way.
Why am I supposed to like diamonds? What is the deep, underlying need I'm supposed to have for shiny bangles? Is it connected to the part of me that should want to wear puffy pink ball gowns all day? That would make sense, since I have never wanted either.
Maybe it's the stingy part of me that scoffs at diamonds. The part that doesn't like to overpay for things. The part that makes me not buy celery because I know it was 50 cents cheaper last week. But isn't it a known fact that diamonds are a whole...messed up Africa trade thing and they aren't actually worth that much?
So why do people keep buying them? And why do they make perfectly sensible women go crazy? For example, here are some scenes I would like explained to me:
30 Rock, 3.12 Elisa (Selma Hayak): "Okay, but I want a ring so big that it gives me back problems." What?! You are a woman with TWO jobs. You work with your hands, caring for the elderly. In what world would that ring make sense for your life? Also, aren't you a devout Catholic? Doesn't Jesus preach all kinds of things about giving your worldly possessions to the poor and a rich man can't get into heaven and all that?
The Office, 7.11 Pam: "Is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? *Opens box* *Silence* Oh my God. *Tears* I love it." Jim: "Yep, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn't make that." COULDN'T YOU? Well then, what if you just stuffed a teapot with all kinds of things that remind you of each other to secretly show her that you love her? Oh, you already did that. Okay fine. Then just spend all your money on a trinket for your wife when you have a family to feed. No need to put any thought into the gift--just toss money at her. Because that's the kind of person Pam is. The kind of girl who appreciates expensive gifts over thoughtful ones and LITERALLY CRIES over a diamond bracelet. That's the person we've all come to love for seven years, sure.
Up All Night, 1.11 Reagan: "The fact that you went through whatever you went through is enough for me. It's the thought that counts." Chris: "Well then I got you two gifts. The thoughtful thing and, well, and also this." Reagan: *GASP!* Oh my God! Oh my God! *GASP!* Look at this! Look at it! Look at this!...Look how hot my wrist looks! Oh, f*ck you, everybody! My husband ROCKS!" Okay first of all, you need to breathe, Christina Applegate, although those last two sentences were hilarious. Secondly, you are the one technically making money. So you just bought yourself that bracelet. And again, with the family to feed. And REALLY does your wrist look that hot? Because I'm pretty sure your FACE looks hot and you are an awesome, powerful, smart woman who is better than that reaction. And what happened to the thought that counts then? Is this some funny way for us to all see that it really isn't?
Sex And The City, 3.9 Trey: "I think we should stop here for a minute. Maybe we should go in and find you the most beautiful ring they have." Charlotte, I know that you are image-obsessed. And I know it took Harry to knock out the crazy. And I know this ring came from a proposal from a guy who says "alrighty." But you have an amazing sense of style, and THIS is how you show it? Trey lets you choose the ring, and you go with just a silver band with a rock on top of it? I guess I just had higher hopes for you, that's all. There's no more thought to this ring than there was to the "alrighty." He just sent you in to pick out something you can wear that proves how rich you're going to be. Where's the love? Why is this scene supposed to make the "alrighty" better?
I wish I could say that these shows are all just men writing what they think women want. But all four of these shows are either written, helmed, or overseen by women. So either we're letting these stereotypes happen, or they're actually true: it doesn't matter the circumstances, throw an expensive bunch of diamonds at it and it'll purr like a kitten.
Why? What is it? Are we distracted by shiny things? Do we just like to show off how much money our partner has?
Maybe I have such apathy because I don't have super nice clothes and I'm not a particularly elegant person. I don't like diamonds because I know how insane they would look next to my $10 Old Navy dress (DON'T HATE, I bought it in three colors). It's like when I was little and I had short hair so I hated wearing girly things because I thought it made me look silly, not fancy.
My thing is, I would just rather have something more sentimental or at least more useful, like a plane ticket to Italy, or some of that anti-wrinkle cream that actually works. Diamonds? You never get any use out of them unless you attend galas often (which I clearly don't--my god, the shattered champagne glasses...) or unless your engagement or wedding ring has them. And if you have a big rock like all the girls apparently want, you have to worry about snagging it on stuff or getting yourself hijacked when you go to Guam or blinding yourself from the glare reflecting off the sun.
So has my ranting terrified everyone from fighting for the other side? Anyone want to argue for diamonds in all their pretty, sparkly glory? Or does anyone want to join me in my confusion?
I'll tell you guys about my move to San Francisco in a bit, but I want to address something first.
Last night I had two dreams:
1. I was in the 60's, where a group on men were plotting something sinister. I, a hardcore feminist, pretended to be a bimbo so I could spy on their plans and thawrt them.
2. I stood in front of a mirror, considering whether or not to trim my bangs.
There is SO much to analyze, so much to read into, so much irony to point out, but I hope you get where I'm going with this. In the end, women are multi-faceted, awesome people. Sometimes they are spies, and sometimes they get their hair cut. And sometimes their dreams are REALLY boring.
Your feminism rant for the day is brought to you by the letter A. A stands for Angry! Can you say angry, boys and girls?
....
Good!
Okay here is the story: Today at work we talked about a case study where it was discovered that men aren't feeling like men anymore, and they needed to reclaim their manhood.
And why don't men feel like men anymore? Why, because women are getting degrees and going to work and earning money.
HOW DARE THEY?! WHERE DO THEY GET OFF?! WOMEN WORKING?? WHERE DID THIS NEW-FANGLED CONCEPT COME FROM??!?!?!1*&^(*&^
I guess I fail to see the true point. Men don't feel "like men" anymore, meaning men aren't as "manly" as they were decades ago. Because they don't bring home the bacon and retreat to their dens in a cloud of cigar smoke anymore?
When did men's dominance in the world come to be known as "the good ol' days"?
And since when are women sympathetic to this cause? I'm sorry, I like the next broad-shouldered sweat factory as much as the next chick, but I also like my men to actually care about who I am as a person and respect that I want to earn my own living regardless of my gender. And I want ALL men to feel this way. And if that means that men don't feel like they're the same TYPE of man that existed in the 1800s or 1950s or 1970s then SO BE IT.
The Brawny man doesn't have a mustache anymore. TIMES CHANGE.
In what way do we ACTUALLY suggest men reclaim their manhood? Forcing their wives to stay home and cook every meal? Taking out clients to strip clubs? Refraining from swearing around the "girls" in the office because it might offend their soft little ears?
Screw that. Screw reclaiming manhood. Let's reclaim HUMANITY and leave the gender roles where they belong: in our past.
1. Finally watched Alice in Wonderland, the New Class And you know what? I LIKED it. So take that. The hero was a girl in a suit of armor and she didn't end up in love at the end. That's enough to get all those little feministic pieces of me all fluttery. Now if only Helena BC and JDepp would get together with Cameron Diaz and Glenn Beck and agree to stop saying things ever, all would be right with the world. 2. Worked out Except since we moved I have to go to an inferior gym coughBALLYcough and they don't have individual TVs, only the ones in the front.
GOD my life is SO HARRRRRD.
No, but seriously it's a pain in my ass (literally--zing!) because they set half the TVs to special gym channels that are useless, and the others to ESPN and CNN. And I'm sorry. I am sweating my ass off over here on your slimy machines. Is it too much to ask for a little prime time? Seriously. All I need is a decent plot line to distract me from the suffering happening in the inside of my body. I do not like my choices of Some Team versus Who Cares, or an interview with that bald southern alien man.
3. Fretted over the lack of eggs I own in my Facebook flash restaurant game Yeah. You want to fight about it? What. 4. Tried and failed to come up with a decent headline. Headlines are also harrrrrrrd. Why do I have to wriiiite themmmmmm?? Oh, right because I'm a copywriter and that was my conscious choice and it's basically what I get paid to do all day. *Sigh* GOD, the things I do for you, expensive Nordstrom bras. THE THINGS I DO. 5. Successfully cooked chicken that didn't make me feel like gagging I'm a freaking culinary genius over here. Thursday is homemade sloppy joes and YEAH. You're jealous.
And that is all. Special shout out today to my little brother, John, who I dreamt got hit on the head when a car flew over him and instead of ducking, he video taped it. Thanks for automatically making my day feel sad and terrible. I hate you. Please don't die.
If there is one subject that will get me the most impassioned, it is gender roles for children. And I think I've already stated my point of view pretty clearly over here. In short, I think dumping pink and frills and dolls on little kids forces them into a lifetime of believing they need to be dainty.
But I would like to make a case for Disney.
In college I had this one evil professor. She was the kind of woman who smiled when she said really mean things. "If you're late to class, I will have you expelled and enjoy doing it. *Smile*" I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. She was also obnoxiously Liberal. Despite the fact that I probably agreed with most of the things she said, it was the WAY that she said it that really made me want to punch her in the face. If she had said "bunny rabbits are cute and we should all pet them." I STILL would have wanted to claw at her.
So one day we watched a movie about how Disney is ruining children and making them believe all the wrong things and turning girls into prince-seeking drones. They showed clips of interviews with kids saying stuff like "I like Belle because she takes care of the Beast and then they get married and she's pretty."
Am I the ONLY one in the world who always took away that Belle was a badass?
Let's look at the facts here. 1. Belle doesn't care what society thinks--she likes to read and will do it no matter how much water is tossed on her head from windows above. 2. Belle refuses to marry the hunky man who only wants her for her looks. He promises her a lifetime of security, children, and puppies. And she says no. 3. Belle takes it upon herself to go looking for her father when he goes missing with no one but good ol' skittish Phillipe to help her. 4. Belle selflessly sacrifices herself for her father whom she loves. 5. Belle refuses to do what the Beast commands her to do. She will not be ordered around. 6. Belle's favorite room in the entire castle is the library. 7. Yes, Belle is rescued by the Beast. Because she is hunted by a pack of wolves, and the Beast is enormous. But who lifts the Beast all the way up onto a CLYDESDALE? Oh that's right, badass Belle. And even when she's tending to his wounds, she yells at him for being a jerk to her. 8. Belle has a snowball fight with the Beast. 9. Belle does teach manners and looks hot in a gown and can ballroom dance. So yeah, she's pretty. And she's a woman. But the Beast is already in love with her WAY before she gets dolled up. He loves her when she's still spunky. 10. Belle says she loves the Beast BEFORE she knows that he's handsome and rich and young and looks like George of the Jungle. These are just happy side effects which create a happy ending which is what everyone wants. I implore you to find a children's story from this century that DOESN'T end happily.
But this professor just smiled her evil smile and told us that if we tried to defend Disney, it was only because we grew up with it, and don't want to believe that those movies were actually bad.
Okay...OR maybe I was just a smart kid who had a brain? I don't know. One or the other. She also argued for racism in Pocahontas because there's some song in the beginning where the English sailors are talking about taking land from the Native Americans or something. And when every girl in the class argued that none of us even REMEMBERED that song, but could still sing "Colors of The Wind" by heart and in two-part harmony, she just smiled her evil smile and said we were clearly just getting upset because we didn't want our precious Disney movies smeared.
How's this:
-Jasmine's waistline is disgusting and hurtful toward women's body issues. -The fact that Prince Eric need not hear a word Ariel says in order to love her is sickening. -Why every Disney movie needs to end in love and marriage is beyond me. These movies are supposed to be for kids. They'll be pressured into marriage enough in their twenties. And it's very possible that movies like these are why I have always believed that marriage is an important part of my future. -Mulan's captain thought she was a boy for 99% of the movie. When he found out she was a girl, he immediately fell in love. Um...what? -I doubt that Aladdin did anything to help racial stereotypes by Americans toward those from the Middle East. I mean, come on. Is the penalty for stealing really cutting off a girl's hand right then and there? Really?
I'm not saying that Disney movies are all perfect. There's plenty of things to improve--and frankly, plenty of things that have been improved. With Pixar involved, things changed a ton. And they tried their darn-tootenest with the Princess and the Frog (I haven't seen it, so I can't say anything one way or the other.) But what I ask for is to please give Disney--and kids--a little credit. Just because the movie ended happily doesn't mean there weren't plenty of things in the middle there that we noticed and appreciated.
I've taken on a new Bible challenge for this story. Since I have thus far failed in my search for a proper female lead (having tried once and given up...similar to my attempt at jogging) I took some advice from some of "my people" and set out in search of Esther, a Jewish Queen, and the reason behind Purim, which ended yesterday.
That's right. This chick even has a doll. A creepy, creepy doll
Now, even though I was able to deceive some into thinking I am Jewish (I can see how the brown hair and overwhelming love of matzoh might throw some people off) I can tell you now that I am not. I was raised in a stiff-upper-lip Protestant church, which still argues about whether or not the electric guitar is, in fact, a tool used by Satan to entrance us into Hell. My church valued the Bible, sure, but if you've read any of these recaps so far you know--either I didn't listen very often, or we just didn't hit on every story. Likely it's a little of both.
All this to say...I know NOTHING about Esther. Although I believe there is a Veggie Tales movie about her that I have not seen (Good Lord, there's no time to discuss Veggie Tales right now, people. Save it, SAVE IT.)
So, knowing nothing about Esther, I picked up my trusty Ol' Soggy and flipped laboriously though the stuck pages. And guess what?! The woman has her own book. Her own personal chapter, shall we say. All about her. And her awesomeness.
So this story begins with King Asomething, who commands his eunuchs to summon his Queen to his party so he can show off how hot she is.
AAAAAAAND TIME OUT. Eunuchs? Really? There are eunuchs in the Bible? I don't even know what the deal IS with eunuchs. Like, I know it has something to do with their bits. But is it that they have no bits? Born without bits? Mangled bits? Chopped-off bits? Frankly, I'm not sure I want to know. I'm easily queasy. But I didn't even know they were part of the Bible Plot Line! I just have so many questions! Do eunuchs still exist? Are they really as zombie-like as we portray them? What is the point of making eunuchs do your bidding? Is the will of the testicled SO powerful that they make terrible slaves? It's time to wikipedia this nonsense.
So anyway, the king is all drunk from partying and slurs to the eunichs to fetch him his queen but she refuses. So just in case word gets out and all women start thinking for themselves, they banish the queen to somewhere else and take a new queen. Phew, problem solved.
This is where Esther, the orphan/virgin/Jew stepped up to the plate. She didn't tell anyone about that last little tidbit about being Jewish. See, her Jewish name was actually Hadassah, which, I swear to God, means "myrtle."
MYRTLE.
Okay, let's move on.
No wait. MYRTLE.
Okay, let's really move on this time. So that no one knows she's Jewish, she changes her name to Esther, a Persian name that means "star." Lo and behold, the king loved her more than any of the other poor saps, and placed the Queen's crown on her head. PARTY TIME!
While all this is going on, Mordecai, who was the cousin/father-figure to Esther, hears a plot by two of the eunuchs to murder the king. Sooooo, I guess that solves that mystery because they still have anger and emotions? Frankly, it only confuses me further. WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE, EUNUCHS?!?! Anyway, Mordecai overhears it and tells Esther, who tells the king, who has the two eunuchs murdered. Bit of a random tale, but it comes back later.
Now, this guy Haman is the Head Official...who knows of what, but he's very important. When he walks by, all the king's servants bow down to him except for Mordecai. Haman is piiiiiissed. He decides that it would be silly to hurt Mordecai for not bowing. Childish, in fact. What would be better would just be to kill ALL the Jews in the entire world. He asks the king if it's okay. The king of course consents because, well, damn those Jews and their ways! *shakes fist*
So I guess there's a bunch of murder and confusion amongst the Jews, and Mordecai is ripping off his clothes and wailing and throwing things and...dressing in "sackcloth?" Don't really know about that one. Anyway, I imagine him like Steve Carell in 40-Year-Old Virgin when he just walks through every room of his apartment yelling. Eventually he gathers himself up enough to ask Esther to get the king to call off all the murdering. So Esther hitches up her royal suspenders and goes to the king. This is actually a pretty big deal because a) the king doesn't know she's Jewish, and by his decree, she should also be killed. But also, the king tends to kill people who come to him without being summoned. So DOUBLE LIKELIHOOD OF DEATH. But the needs of her people are just too great. So she goes before him and the king's all swoony and not in any kind of mood to kill her. Phew! Esther requests that the king and Haman come to a banquet that she will prepare the next day. The king's already like, "Yes, yes dear. Whatever you want shall be yours. I'd give you half my kingdom, *Gush gush gush*" so no problems there.
That day, Haman's all happy because he's been invited to this banquet. But when he passes Mordecai he's like, "BLARG! That damn Jew is still there and he still doesn't quiver at my feet!" So he gathered all his friends and wife and tells them that no matter how great and awesome and strong and rich and amazing he is, none of that matters, because that one dude doesn't bow to him. His friends and wife (who are thinking the same thing as I am) are like, "Uhhh, okay? You know you have the power to just kill him right? Why don't you quit being such a whiny bitch about it?" Haman drums his fingertips together with an "eeeeexcellent" and commands them to build some gallows in preparation.
That night, the king can't fall asleep so he calls a servant to read aloud from the boring book of records. During this, he finds out about Mordecai being the one to save him from eunuch murder (again...so weird) so he decides to honor him. He asks if anyone from the high court is around. It just so happens that Haman is outside his door preparing his speech. ("King, we SHOULD hang Mordecai. No, no. King, WE should hang Mordecai. We should HANG Mordecai. Yeah, yeah, that last one.") So the King lets Haman in.
The king asks him, "What should be done for someone I want to honor?" And Haman tells him to get a robe and a horse wearing a crown (Oh my god. My Little Pony existed in the Bible. All my dreams...) and to lead him around the town square proclaiming that this is what the king does to honor someone. I'm a little confused by this entire encounter because I'm pretty sure it said this king has been leading for 12 years. So why he has never had occasion to honor a single person in that time is beyond me. But he's also the one who was like "Kill the Jews for no reason? Why, sure! Here's my literal seal of approval."
So anyway, this was what Haman suggested the king should do, and the king's all, "Totally! Smart. Okay, go do that for Mordecai, and don't leave out a single detail." HAR!! Sucks to be you, Haman. Haman does everything he's told and then goes home to wail. His wife is no help. She's basically like, "Yeah, hun. If this guy's Jewish, you're screwed." Because I guess she knew that Jews are awesome?
The next day Haman, the king, and Esther sit down to dinner. And the king is once again all, "What do you want? You can have anything, before I even find out what it is." So Esther drops on them that she wants the lives of the Jews back and it is all VERY Inigo Montoya and the king is up in arms to learn that Haman has done such a thing (but...he did it, too...so...) then he finds out about the gallows that Haman had prepared for Mordecai and orders Haman hanged there. Ouch.
Next the king sends out new commands to turn everything around--but rather than tell people to just get along, he orders the Jews to defend themselves! Now they can kill anyone who might attack them, along with the women and children, and plunder all their goods! Oh, praise Adonai! The Jews are now so mighty that non-Jews are claiming Judaism because they're so terrified. Yippee! We win! We win!!
Eventually the Jews took a break from all the hanging, slashing, and plundering to celebrate their victory with a feast and a party. Thus begins the holiday of Purim, a day of great celebration, food, and giving to the poor.
So what have we learned? Well, we've learned that one of the great women of the Bible, one who gets her own book and her own holiday is...still not really that amazing. She stood up to a man who clearly already adores her. That's what she did. I'm beginning to lose faith in the idea that there is even one serious female role model in the Bible. That's not to say that, within the thousands of years that the Bible was written, there weren't some kick ass women. And it's very possible that Esther was one of them. But the men who told their stories just didn't give a rat's ass about them, which sucks. We get virgins and liars and whores. That's who we get. Where's our lion-punching, giant-killing, ark-building, crazy-faced women? I want a girl who bares her teeth and growls. I say we picket.
What do we want? A GIRL WHO BARES HER TEETH AND GROWLS!! When do we want it? NOW (BUT ALSO FOR THE PAST 5,000 YEARS OR WHATEVER)!!!!!
"Emily," you are wondering, "you are the end-all be-all in the advertising world [how true]. What did you think of the Super Bowl spots?! We HAVE to KNOOOOWWWWW!"
I'm glad you guys asked. Overall, I actually thought they were well done. Some ads were hilarious or moving (I give sole credit to the copywriters) and some ads fell flat (I blame clients and clients only.) But in the end, everyone tried their darnedest. I've gotta say, it's not easy to make a good ad, no matter how much money you throw at it. Especially after you hear, "Okay, it's gotta be great, and it's gotta be seriously funny. Oh, and millions of people will criticize it when you're done...even the ones who know nothing about it."
Of course, my favorite ad was done by the best agency in the whole wide world: Goodby, Silverstein and Partners *cue angelic music*. They did the Denny's spots:
Aren't they the best? I want to take GSP to a romantic location, whisper "I love you" in their ear, brush their hair back, and softly kiss them.
Anyway. This season I noticed the ads leaning in two ways: Men who hate women, and men who love men.
First of all, men who hate women. There were at least four ads this year that were based around emasculation. I guess it's true, that some (maybe most) women are just the worst. They're annoying, they make you do things you don't want to do, they try to change you. And that would suck. So...I'm with you. Women are terrible and we'd be better without them. Got it.
Then there was the plethora of half- to mostly-naked men this year. What a crazy, random happenstance. The thing is, I read this Twitter post during the game: "It's official. Theme for this yrs SB Commercials: Men in their underwear. #brandbowl (Suppose it's time after years of half dressed women)"
So...here's the thing. After years (meaning "decades," right?) of half-dressed women who look like, I don't know, THIS perhaps?
You're saying we should feel vindicated by ads that look like THIS?
Yeah, that's the same. That's exactly, exactly the same. Now, this guy just tweeted that really quickly, and I'm not going to start putting all of women's rights on his shoulders. All I'm saying is--I'm all about men in their underwear. All about it. Even when they look weird, at least it's funnier than weird-looking men in clothes. But come on now. The men in their underwear clearly weren't for us women and gay men. So they must have been for you. You touchdown-dancing, chest-bumping, crotch-grabbing, pile on-inducing, butt-patting, women-hating...
Alright. I’ve decided not to go in sequential order for my Bible Recaps. Even though the OCD side of me is VERY upset about this, trying to go from front to back is giving me facial spasms.
SO! What story do I do next? Well, I’m sticking with an Old Testament story, which coincides with me being allegedly Jewish. I’m going wiiiiiiith…..(awkward Michael Scott drum roll) Brrrrrrrrrrrrr……
SAMSON!
So first of all, I need to admit something. I’ve never seen Field of Dreams. I’ve never seen The Godfather. I’ve never seen Rocky. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard the story of Samson front to back. What is wrong with you?! What kind of life have you led?! I know. I know.
I KNOW.
So now I’m going to read the story of Samson before I review it. *Reading*…*Reading*… *Reading*…
Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh.
So it’s NOT SO MUCH with the peace and love. I always thought, “Oh, nice guy, long hair, strong...lovely woman. What else is there to know?” What ISN’T there to know, Emily Of The Past? What isn’t there?
Okay now. Let’s start with Samson’s birth. As any normal birth goes, Samson’s mother was having trouble conceiving, so the Lord went ahead and took care of that for her, sending an angel down to let her know. He told her not to drink any booze and not to cut the child’s hair...ever, because it was his connection with God or something. Seriously, why was Samson’s mother the ONLY one who was told not to wine it up while pregnant until, like, the 70s? I mean, if Mad Men has taught me anything (and it has), it’s that ladies in the 60s + fetuses + martinis = yes. But Samson’s mother, for “unknown” reasons was told not to drink of the vine. And thank God—literally—because that boy came out STRONG.
We’ve all seen at least four seconds of Supernanny, right? Where the parents are all Oh, I don’t want to discipline my child, I might hurt his feelings while the kid is screaming, “I WANT ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST, YOU BITCH!!!!” And the mom is wondering why her child hates her.
That is Samson. He was created by God for special things. And his parents treat him as such. So one day, Samson is putzing around near the Philistines, who currently rule over the Israelites (ooooof course) and he decides that some random Philistinian girl is super hot^max and wants her to be his wife. So he goes home and tells his parents straight up, “I met a girl, now make her mine, assholes.” And his parents are all “But, Darling. Wouldn’t you like to marry a nice Jewish girl? What about that girl Yentl? A nice girl, a good catch! True? True.”
But Samson will have none of it. So he goes back to town to talk to this girl. On the way over, what do you know, a lion jumps out at him. So Sampson “tore the lion apart barehanded as one might tear apart a kid.”
MASSIVE TIME OUT.
a. Holy shit. A lion. Which are like…what? At least twice the size of humans. And one of them is coming at you, so you just go J-Woww on it, attacking with zero thoughts of repercussions. Woww. b. At first I read this as kid = child and there were so many terrible images in my head, let alone a whole new respect for the Bible, which compares ease of attack with children’s flesh. But then I realized they meant kid = baby goat. c. WHO THE HELL CAN TEAR APART A GOAT BAREHANDED?!
TIME IN.
So Samson goes down to talk to this girl. And she pleases him. Well, that’s nice. I hope one day I can be “meh” enough for some guy to force me into marriage. So after a while, Samson goes back to marry this girl. Taking the same route, he passes the dead lion carcass (good times) and sees that bees have set up camp inside the lion, and they’ve made a bunch of honey. Normal. So Samson scoops out a handful of honey from the rotting, disgusting carcass and continues on to the ceremonies. When he gets to his parents, he gives them some. (“Hey, Mom and Dad! I’ve got a loose handful of honey! Want some?” “Sure, son! We will by no means find this weird or ask you where you got it. *Lick, lick*)
So then there’s this thing about a riddle that makes ZERO sense and, in the end, Samson kills a ton of Philistines, who in turn burn Samson’s wife to death. It’s some crazy stuff, trust me, but this post is getting lengthy, so I’m gunna move us along.
So now there are all sorts of eye-for-an-eye things going on between Samson and the Philistines. But eventually Samson’s own people are tired of it, and tie him up and bring him to the Philistines. Too bad none of them know about the whole lion debacle from earlier, because a few ropes are child’s play to Samson at this point. He rips off the rope and reaches for the fresh jawbone of a donkey (and, really, who hasn’t seen one of those lying around?) And he kills—-wait for it—-a thousand men. One thousand. Fezzik can only kill 10.
Samson, a little more brawn than brain, says: “With the jawbone of a donkey, I have slain a thousand men.” ...Provoking.
Now comes the parts about Samson that I recognize: Delilah and the pillars.
So Samson falls in love with this girl named Delilah. And the Philistines tell her that if she figures out how to overcome him, they’ll give her a bunch of money. So she asks him straight up, “Samson, how can you be bound?” Of course, Samson lies and tells her if they use this one kind of string, he won’t get free. So in the night, she ties him up with that string and then screams, “The Philistines are upon you!” And obviously Samson breaks free right away.
So at this point, if I know my man Samson, he would snap this girl’s neck and hightail it out of there. But instead, HE gets in trouble! I tell you, women and their wiles. So Delilah pouts, “You lied to me and mocked me! How rude! Now tell me the truth!!” And instead of smacking her across the face, Samson just tells her another lie. So she tries it, it fails, and she yells at him again. This happens like four times. FINALLY Samson is so tired from all the nagging (LOL aren’t we women just the worst?) that he actually tells her how to make him weak: cut off his hair. Double u. Tee. Eff. So, of course, she cuts off his hair and then calls in the Philistines. They throw money at her, and cart Samson away. Oh, AND they gouge out his eyes for good measure. Yay!!
Now the Philistines could finally rest easy because Samson had been defeated. But one day, all the high lords and ladies are celebrating and they call for Samson so they can be entertained by him. Because it ain’t a party until there’s a weak, pathetic guy with no eyes standing next to you, weeping.
Samson asks to be led toward the house’s large pillars so he can lean on them. Then he shoots up a quick message to God, asking God to pulse through his hair once more so that he can take revenge on his enemies. He puts one hand on each pillar, and God gives him the strength to push down both pillars, killing everyone at the party, including himself.
Ta-daa!!!! Now why wasn’t that story in Sunday School?
So last night I remembered an old idea I had for a book: Bible Stories For Pop Culture Survival.
I used to work with someone who wasn't raised in any religion, and he rarely understood biblical allusions. Now, I in no way require this guy to read the Bible or believe in what it says. But I think he (and others who never learned Bible stories) should have an easy way to learn these stories. Then if someone calls him a Judas, he won't have to smile and nod. He'll know he needs to cut a bitch.
Here's my first attempt at one of these stories. WARNING: this is a Bible story as I remember it from my Sunday School days, with no references used. Because I think it'll be more interesting that way. I know I won't get everything right. Please allow me some creative freedom.
We start at the Beginning.
So in the Beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light" and BAM. There was light. Day one, accomplished. God dusted off his hands and said, "How do you like THEM apples?" And then he created apples.
God then spends the next six days creating everything ever. Stars, earth, water, animals, and man. This is apparently a very taxing thing to do, even for The Almighty, so on the seventh day he rested. I believe this is why we all rest one day a week.
Eventually, God decides that Adam, the man he created, needs someone to do his dishes and cater to his whim. So God takes a rib out of Adam and creates Eve. Adam recovers faster than someone on Lost, and everything is hunky dory. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden doing who-knows-what. I guess it was supposed to be paradise, although laying around naked in the grass with no internet and squirrels pointing at my bits doesn't sound like paradise to me, but...this was a bajillion years ago. Times change.
So God next invents reverse psychology and tells Adam and Eve that they are allowed to do whatever they want EXCEPT eat the fruit from some tree. Adam and Eve say "cool, got it" and stay away. UNTIL...
One day Eve is walking around, minding her own biz, being naked, when a snake starts talking to her. The snake is actually Voldemort. Err...I mean, Satan. And Satan thinks it would be HILARIOUS if Adam and Eve ate the fruit that God specifically said not to eat. So a little hissing, a little slithering, a little c'mon man, all the cool kids are doing it, and Eve is convinced. She runs to Adam and tells him to eat the fruit, too. Adam, who probably can't be bothered to listen to Eve because she had just come bouncing over to him naked, grabs the fruit and takes a bite.
At this point, I imagine everything goes down like in Aladdin, when Abu takes that big red gemstone in the Cave of Wonders. God gets pissed. He's all "HOW DARE YOU EAT THE FRUIT! YOU WILL NEVER--SEE THE LIGHT--OF DAAAAAAAAAY! *lava*" and Adam and Eve just stammer, "but....but..." and the snake smirks in the shadows.
So Adam and Eve are banished from paradise, and WORSE, they realize they are naked and they are ASHAMED. So they grab some fur and some leaves and sulk off to their place of banishment.
Next time: Noah builds an Ark and God sends a rainbow to say LOL JK
I have been against pink electronics for as long as I can remember. My first memory of it was at age 8. I watched Home Alone 2 just like everyone else. And, like everyone else, I was DEEEEESPERATE for the Talkboy that Christmas. It was amazing. You could change your voice to trick your sister from behind the couch!! You could record things! You could play them back! What lonely, deranged middle child WOULDN'T want such a device? FINALLY! The attention I deserved!
Imagine my chagrin when, not long after the Talkboy came out, Mattel (or whoever) put out what they believed to be an equal opportunity electronic: The Talkgirl.
Ohhhhhhhh, The Talkgirl. You haunt my nightmares.
Now this was nearly twenty years ago, so the details might not be totally exact, but if I recall, the Talkgirl was exactly like the Talkboy in every way.
But it was pink. Oh, and the dot on the "i" was now a flower. How precious.
My outrage was clear. When I was younger I considered myself a tomboy. I requested short hair at the salon. I owned nothing with ruffles. I refused to play run-from-the-boys and instead played my own version, hip-check-the-boys. And I hated--HATED--the color pink.
At the time, I didn't really know why I hated it. All I knew was that it was girly, and anyone who embraced it also seemed to be embracing an attitude of "I'm too dainty for that" which annoyed me to no end.
I found myself confused: adults everywhere were proudly telling me that girls can do whatever boys can do. But then they were laughing at my short hair, rolling their eyes when I complained that lace is itchy, and handing me electronics that had been specially created for my daintiness.
I told you about a few of my asinine pet peeves back here but this one is my I'm Going To Change The World pet peeve: indoctrinating children into their socially afflicted gender roles.
Okay, and I've officially gotten too SOC 101. I'm going to take a step back.
Yes, I hate that kids are told how to be since birth. But the reason for this post actually came about because of Facebook ads. See, I thought that all this indoctrinating had stopped by now. That I am able to see sexism and point it out. But, indeed, I cannot. And I have learned this harsh reality through Facebook ads. Here was a random group of ads from today, one that is not atypical:
I don't know WHY Facebook continues to think that I am a mother, nor why they give me ads for Sorority Life. No matter how often I check the x and tell them "Irrelevant," here they are, day after day, informing me of who I SHOULD be...which is apparently a single mother in a sorority whose debt is piling so high she is willing to exploit her children.
Now before I show you the next set of ads, I must explain who these are for. They are for a cat. I needed another facebook account for (NERD ALERT) a flash game I play. So I made an account for my roommate's cat, Charlie. He has no other friends but me [EDIT: The Charlie in real life has many, many more], and his page has no use but to cheat at this game. However, Facebook requires certain information in order to have an account. Namely, age and sex. Charlie Cat is a male. And he was born the same year that I was, making him also 25. So, given the simple fact that these ads are for an imaginary 25 year old male, here are his ads:
I'm not sure which gender should feel more outraged: the girls who get "Tee hee! I'm a girl! Babies and chocolate and lipstick!" Or the boys who get "Rawr! I'm a boy! Burgers and war and babes!" All I know is, as a feminist I feel insulted. And as a human, I want that damn brownie.
