As I Recall: Hark! The Herald Angels Freak Out

It's been a while, guys. It's been a loooong while. But it's finally time. You all have been such good readers, you deserve to hear about the True Meaning Of Christmas, and you deserve to hear it from someone with a fading, old lady memory. If you're new to the concept of me attempting to recall Bible stories, check out the first one here.

Now here we go. Christmas!



The story starts with an adorable young couple, Mary and Joseph. They're engaged, it's wonderful. Until one night, an angel named Gabriel visits Mary and tells her, "SURPRISE!--you're preggo, and the father is NO ONE. Or, well, it's God. And He's also the mother. But you're kind of the mother. I think. Look, your story's a little iffy and it's going to get RULL awkward over in Europe in a few years about it, so why don't you be a nice girl, take this iron supplement and go back to bed."

So when Mary woke up, she had the wonderful job of letting her fiance know that she was pregnant and he was not the father. Let's just say, it did NOT go like this:



In fact, it was probably a little more like "SNAP. Now stand still, I'm going to have to stone you." Luckily, Gabriel stepped in, explained the whole thing to Joseph, and it was all cool. And from then on, little children everywhere playing Joseph in the Nativity play were befuddled as to what any of their lines were implying.

Now, according to the Bible, the Roman emperor, Caesar Augustus decided that he wanted a head count. And he thought the best way to do that was to make everyone go back to the town of their ancestors so they could do a census. AND! Everyone did it! I have to say, WOW are we lazy. We even have people come up to our front doors during our censuses, and we still refuse to answer a few questions just because we have to put on pants to do it.

So apparently Joseph and Mary have to hike their sandal-wearing butts all the way to Bethlehem, because Joseph's ancestor is the famous David (and as we all know, everyone only has one ancestor.) Of course, Mary is like one dilated centimeter away from popping Jesus out, so by the time they get there it is GO TIME. They get to the inn, but all of David's other brethren have booked the place solid. Luckily, the innkeeper is super nice and gives them shelter...in the barn out back.

TIME OUT. I'm sorry. This tiny little woman is about to give birth. She is doing her lamaze breathing and screaming that she wants the pills after all. And instead of taking one look at her and kicking out the schmuck in room 202 and giving the clean bed to the woman with a PERSON coming out of her, you lay her in a pile of manure and wish her good day. LOVELY.

So, fine. Luckily, God is on their side and he makes sure Jesus comes out all pink and sparkly and painlessly. A star appears above Jesus' first resting point. Mary swaddles him and lays him in a manger which is a fancy word for wooden trough. I'm not sure why she couldn't just hang onto him, but I guess it's part of the mystique of Jesus. Maybe his halo was making him too hot.

So Jesus is born and everyone is FREAKING OUT. First of all, we've got the angels with their trumpets and their proclamations. These guys are seriously excited. They're so excited, they go tell the nearby shepherds about the latest. It's kind of like when something awesome happens to you but none of your friends are around, so you just kind of turn to the nearest person who knows your name and blurt out how happy you are because you just found out you're getting an iPod and OMG OMG OMG!!!1

That's the angels. There's so many of them, they are no longer a pair, nor a group, nor even a herd. Nay, they are a "host" of angels. That is a lot of angels. And they boom down from heaven in a voice I imagine is a lot more like The Great And Powerful Oz and a lot less like the Hallelujah Chorus, because the shepherds nearly poop their pants out of fear. But once they figure out what's going on, they manage to follow the shepherd's direction, which is something like "second star to the right and straight on til morning" until they get to the barn and the Jesus and the manger and the everything. And according to my childhood nativity figurines, one of the shepherds even came by carrying a little lamb over his shoulders. You know, as one does.



So that's the shepherds. Next the story gets DASTARDLY! Because somewhere in the world is a king named King Herod. And, if you remember the story of Moses you will be very surprised to know he has a thing against baby boys. Well, specifically he has a thing against Jesus. Er, let me back up.

Somehow, a bunch of foreigners from the east (aka, terrorists) hear about Jesus. I assume from angels. The Bible calls the foreigners "magi" which I think just means they are royalty, or they're so rich they are royalty-LIKE and either way they would have made for a KILLER episode of Cribs. But I guess they didn't get all the info. All they heard was that a king had been born to save everyone. So they pack up the best gifts they can find: gold, frankincense and myrrh. The latter two are perfumes. Because back then people couldn't bathe too much, so smelling good was a commodity. No one really knows how many magi there were, but people simplify it by saying there were three because they brought 3 gifts. But who knows? There could have been 6 and they all just went halfsies.

So these magi make it to King Herod, assuming the new baby king was there. Of course, King Herod gets more riled up than a chipmunk on Ritalin and orders all children under the age of two DEAD. Luckily, the star above Jesus leads the magi to him much quicker than Herod, so they're able to bestow their gifts AND warn the family of impending doom, and they take off.

The problem here is, there's not really a good ending to the story. People usually just sing a little "Away In A Manger" and everyone claps and goes home. So I don't know what else to tell you about this one.



Merry Christmas everybody! And thanks for following and spreading the word!

As I Recall: In Which Every King Learns The Same Damn Lesson

Hey kids! It's time for another "As I Recall"! After my last post about the Easter Story, I think it's time I got back to my comfort zone: the Old Testament. Ahh, good ol' OT. You are like the girl at the bar wearing a gold tube top for a skirt: no matter how messed up I expect you are, you always seem to have a level of crazy hiding that I never would have guessed.

And, not one to disappoint, the book of Daniel pulls through again!



Okay, here's the story as I remember it:
Daniel doesn't want to pray to the king. He wants to pray to God. So the king throws Daniel in with a bunch of lions. God protects Daniel from being killed, and when the king comes back to retrieve the bones, he finds Daniel alive and well. Hurrah! Done.

But I checked Ol' Soggy, and there all kinds of shenanigans here, you guys. Read on:

First we start with how Daniel got there in the first place. There's this king named Nebuchadnezzar. Best named king EVER. But since it is a bitch to spell out, we're going to just refer to him as the King. Sorry, guys. So the King takes over some spot of land, and commands that the smartest, strongest Israelites be brought to him so he can convert them to his...sect or whatever. Oh, and they've got to be easy on the eyes. BY THE BY, have we all noticed that Old Testament characters tend to be acknowledged as hot? Don't even start with me on Hollywood giving everyone a complex. God started it.

So they send over Daniel. Oh and they send over three other guys who I thought were from a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY: Hsomething, Msomething and Asomething. Who were renamed Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. WHAT?! Okay, awesome. Apparently you guys are getting a double whammy story. How fun for you. If anyone needs me, I will be blogging into the late evening, apparently.

The first story here is a little lesson in healthy eating. Let me just brush off the powdered sugar from my hands...*wipe, wipe*...that's better. So Daniel, Shad, Meesh, and Bed are living with royalty now. But Daniel doesn't want to defile himself with all that evil, delicious King food and wine. Because God forbid someone take pleasure in anything they ever do in the Bible. So Daniel demands that they be fed only vegetables and water. Awesome. Our Bible heroes are a bunch of vegans. Well, I'm sure this will turn out well for them.

BUT IT DOES. After ten days of nothing but celery, these men are fatter and healthier than the people given the royal food. WHAT? In what world are we living here? Were these chocolate-coated carrot sticks? Lard-infused zucchini? I guess we've gotta chalk it up to God and move on. But come on now. Can I move to this magical land where wine and King food knocks off this little mid-section I've got going on?

WHATEVER. Next the Bible goes LOST on us and explains how huge things happen in four seconds. ("This is what the whispers are?" "Yup." *Emily punches JJ Abrams in the eye*) At this point we learn in one sentence that God gives the four men knowledge "in every aspect of literature and wisdom, even SEO" and gives Daniel special dream-interpreting skills. Also nunchuck skills.

Next the King has a dream. And he says he'll kill anyone who can't interpret it for him. So Daniel of course steps up, does the job, and is praised by the King. YAWN, heard it before. Come up with some new plot lines, The Bible.

Okay, here's a new twist. The King creates a statue out of gold. And he demands that everyone worship the statue. Some people point out that Shad, Meesh, and Bed are Jews and won't worship the statue. The King goes crazy and demands that they worship the statue or face the fiery furnace. The three of them get all kinds of attitude, doing z-snaps and they're all, "We don't have to prove NOTHING to you. Our God might save us, he might not, but HELL NO we will not worship your shitty statue."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand *furnace*. The King was SO angry that--get this--HIS FACE WAS DISTORTED. Good God, not that! ANYTHING BUT THAT!! So, with steam pouring out of his ears, the King demands that the furnace be turned up 7 times it's normal heat and had the men thrown in, clothes and all. Turns out, I guess 7 times the normal amount is a bit rash. The flames were so insane that they immediately killed the men who threw in Shad, Meesh, and Bed.

And guess what? Suddenly the king looks into the fire and sees four men (one "having the appearance of a god", because we all know what that looks like), unbound and strolling around in the middle of the fire. Having some crumpets, tipping their hats at one another...that kind of thing. So the King calls to them to come out, and they do. Completely unsinged. Damn it, if I put my hair dryer too close to my face, I singe an eyebrow. Where's God when I need him, hmm?

So the King decrees that anyone who talks shit about God from now on will be torn limb from limb! Hooray!! Nothing like peaceful protest to inspire love and understanding in others.

Now, are we done? Of course we aren't. The book of Daniel has only BEGUN to get crazy. So here we go. One day, the King is walking around his Kingdom, being all "wow, isn't my kingdom awesome?" when a voice from heaven calls down to him and says, "Nope. You will be thrown out and you'll have to eat grass until you learn that God does whatever the hell he wants." And then that exact thing immediately happened. No one kicked him out, no reason given for the change. Just all of a sudden, the king finds himself living alone, eating grass, until "his nails became like bird's claws." W. T. F.

WAIT, THERE'S MORE. Because then we go FIRST PERSON on your ass. And suddenly we get, "Yes, I, Nebuchadnezzar praised God for being so awesome and making me eat grass. And then my 'reason' returned to me and I went back to my kingdom and was reinstated and I praised God." I can't even...there's not even...so many....*sigh*...moving on.

OH MY GOD. Okay, so you know how I started writing this so that people who don't know the Bible can understand common allusions? Well consider my mind blown.

Ever heard the phrase, "He couldn't read the writing on the wall"? As in, he ignored the obvious doom coming? IT'S FROM THE BIBLE. Is this an ends meat situation all over again?? Please tell me that you all did not know that this was a biblical issue.

Okay so here's the story: The King (who is now Nebuchadnezzar's son) is having dinner with a bunch of people and suddenly Thing from the Adams Family starts writing in the plaster wall. Which ARGH that must have sounded terrible. But it wrote in some other language that the King couldn't read. So he called in everyone to interpret it for him, and of course no one but Daniel could do it. Part of the interpretation was "your days are numbered, Kingy." And the King's like, Yay! Thanks for telling me what it says! Here is purple clothing and a gold chain (very Run-DMC if you ask me.) That night, the King was killed. WHOOPSIE! Probably should have read the writing on the wall. And that is where the phrase comes from. World: upside-down.

Now finally, FINALLY we come to the Lion's Den Plotline. And, frankly, I am worn out. I have been interpreting the hell out of this book. To be honest, there's not much more to the plotline than what I told you.

Here's my beef: what is the point of teaching every king the exact same lesson? How many kings do we need to teach here? Why does no one EVER figure out that God is the best BEFORE terrible things befall him? I'm not even done with this book and so far we have 3 kings learning the exact same thing. We get it.



Can we all move on now?

The Greatest As I Recall Ever Told

In honor of this Lenten season, I am going to attempt something that I was unsure I’d do: tell the Easter Story as I remember it.

Reasons why this terrifies me
1) Making jokes about the time surrounding the crucifixion of Jesus
2) Lightning striking me dead because of #1.
3) You all deciding I’ve gone too far and leaving me for bloggers who don’t mock your Lord and Savior.

I’m not sure which I’m more scared of, 2 or 3.

No, that’s a lie. It’s 3.

Welp...here I go anyway. We open on Palm Sunday (That would be this last Sunday) By this time, everyone knows who Jesus is. He's been performing miracles all up in everyone's biz (but we'll save those stories for other posts). So people are pretty happy with the guy, what with the healing and the raising from the dead, and the turning water into alcoholic beverages. He's got his posse and he rides into town (Which town? Don't remember. Nazareth. Bethlehem. Judea. Pick one.) on a donkey, and everyone waves palm branches and lays them in front of the donkey. I guess it's softer on the hooves. And they're all shouting "Huzzah! Hooray! Callooh Callay! Hosanna!" and yelling how he is the King of Kings.

Well, apparently when some dude in sandals is riding a donkey and not a horse or camel or saber tooth tiger or something majestic like that, he looks kind of like a crazy person who wants to overthrow the government. Might have something to do with people calling him a king, and it probably didn't help earlier when he yelled at all the priests that they're a bunch of assholes.

So basically everyone in a position of power hates this Jesus fellow. Especially the head priests, because Jesus is trying to knock them off their pedestals. So they start plotting. They manage to grab the attention of Judas, one of Jesus' twelve disciples, with their shiny clinky moneys. They offer him a bunch of money in exchange for the betrayal of Jesus.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN.

Now we're at Thursday, ie yesterday in our celebratory timeline. Jesus is overseeing the traditional Passover meal with his disciples, which celebrates Moses bringing the Hebrews out of slavery. And he gets all emo and is like "Guys...I have bad news. I am going to die soon. And one of you will betray me." and then he takes a picture of himself at a dramatic angle for his MySpace profile. There is a whole uproar which is what DaVinci's Last Supper tries to capture. They try to get Jesus to spill the beans about who it's going to be, but Jesus won't tell them, he just gives meaningful darting glances toward Judas, who sits there shuffling his gold coins.

So Jesus puts a spin on the Passover meal, which is where the tradition of Communion comes from. Jesus gets all metaphorical (or is it simile-ical?) And breaks some matzah and he's like "this is my body. When you eat it, remember me." which is a little *ew* if you think about it, but he's not even done yet. He pours wine for everyone and he says "this is my blood. When you drink it, remember me." COME ON, MAN. First you make wine awesome by making it appear from basically nowhere, and then you have to wreck it with your blood-speak. Switching to white. Switching to white.

Now after the meal, Jesus brings a couple of his fav disciples with him to go pray on Mount Olive, the most delicious of the Mounts. But it's like the middle of the night, and these guys are probably a little tipsy from all the Jesus blood, so when Jesus goes to pray to God and beg him to change his mind about the whole dying thing, the disciples fall asleep. Jesus comes back and is like, "Double-u tee eff, guys?! You're supposed to stand guard! Now, because you were asleep, God didn't hear my prayer or something that makes more sense than that! DO OVER!!"

Jesus tries again to pray. Everyone falls asleep. So he's gotta go back and pray AGAIN. Finally the prayer makes it all the way to God's ears, but when Jesus comes back, there's all these guards and pharisees (priests) hanging around. Peter yells, "JESUS, RUUUUUUNNNN!!" So Jesus jumps in the nearest taxi and just yells, "HIT IT" and of course the taxi takes off without question, running into fruit vendors and women with strollers, through alleys and around construction sites....it's crazy, man. Crazy.

No? Not buying it? *Sigh* Fiiiiine. It actually goes that Judas comes up to Jesus and kisses him on the cheek, which is like, so gay. It's also the secret code for "this is the dude you want" and they arrest him and take him to Bible prison.

Now it's Friday, aka today. Good Friday. aka BAD Friday. Jesus is being interrogated by all kinds of people. It's very Law & Order (Ooh, can you imagine Elliot interrogating Jesus?? He'd be all "It's cool man, I know how it is to want to walk on water. It's not your fault, man." And then Jesus would be like "Bring the little children to me." And Elliot would be all, "WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY DAUGHTER?! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN MYSELF DURING MY FREE TIME!!!!!")

Anyway...what the hell was I talking about? Oh right so they're asking Jesus if he really thinks he's the Messiah and he's giving these non-committal answers like "If you say so, man..." and they're getting seriously frustrated by it.

Somehow it goes from simple interrogating to accusations and eventually the Head Guy (I don't know his technical title. We'll call him the Chief of Police,) Pontius Pilote gets involed. Pilote's a nice guy. He sees that Jesus is harmless. BUT, like any good politician, he is much more concerned about what other people think and decides to just do what people tell him. Because remember all those people praising Jesus a week before? Well, they've totally turned on him and are outside the window yelling, "BOO! JESUS SUCKS! HE CURED ME OF MY AWESOME LEPROSY!!"

Finally Pilate walks out to the balcony and he's like, "Do you SERIOUSLY want this guy dead?"
And everyone's yelling "TOTALLY!! HE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT! (A newt?!) (I got better.)"
So Pilate comes up with a genius way to keep Jesus alive. He responds, "We don't have enough whips for all the bad guys in our dungeons. So if we kill Jesus, we have to let another guy go. Looks like next on the list is Barabbas, the known murderer and overall terrible person."
And the crowd's like "THAT'S FINE! GIVE US BARABBAS! WE ARE IRRATIONALLY MAD AT JESUS FOR NO REASON! CRUCIFY HIM!!"
So Pilate has no choice. EXCEPT HE DOES, but whatever. Apparently, he has no choice. And he condemns Jesus to his death. During all this, Jesus is just sighing and listening and being peaceful. It would be weird if he turned into the guy from Hook that's like "The what?! The Boo Box! NOOOOOO!" But he's not like that at all. He is very calm.

SPECIAL SIDE NOTE: Did you know that the Boo Box guy is actually Glenn Close?

Yep, that just happened to your brain.

Here's where things get extremely not funny and graphic, just to warn you. They force Jesus to carry his cross from some place to where they're going to hang him. (Hence the phrase, "that's my cross to bear"...just making sure you're keeping up with me, here.) They also put a crown of thorns on his head to mock him for thinking he was the king of anything. No thorn scepter, though. They also whip him the whole time he's walking. Which is like holy crap, how could anyone handle all these horrible things at once? Well, he can't. So they give the cross to some poor schmo who just thought he was coming out to watch a good ol' fashioned crucifixion. So eventually they get to the hill, and Jesus is nailed to the cross with two other criminals. There's also an incident with a sword in his side, and when he asks for water, they give him a sponge of vinegar. And that's why we dye eggs using vinegar!! JK, that's a lie. We use vinegar because that's what Paas tells us to do.

Jesus is up there and it blows and women are wailing and it's horrible and eventually he dies. So they take him down and embalm him (whatever that is...I'm too scared to wikipedia it) and they bury him in the traditional way: in a tomb. I don't know how many tombs there are in historic middle eastern times, but you'd think there's just a bajillion of them. So that ends the scene on Good Friday. Bleak.

Saturday is the buffer day. People are mourning. Disciples are in hiding because they're scared they're next.

Then Sunday comes along, and Mary (not Jesus' mom, but one of the other ones...they were all named Mary so who the hell knows which one it was?) goes to Jesus' tomb to like...I don't know, put perfume on him or something. But when she gets there, the door to the tomb has been rolled away and there's an angel or two standing there. Mary starts shaking and kneeling and being terrified (I guess angels are the scariest thing ever. They are not sassy black women and lovable Irish beauties.) But the angel tells her that Jesus has risen, and to start spreading the news. So she sprints over to the disciples, who come a-running. And when they get there, Jesus has replaced the angel(s) and is standing with all kinds of majesty and wonder.

The disciples are overjoyed and high fiving all over the place. Eventually Jesus peaces out and floats up to heaven a la Olivia Newton John and John Travolta at the end of Grease, and voila. Christianity was born. And thank God it was, because once Jesus came to spread his message of peace and love, there was no more greed or lies or hatred or judging or using religion to your own personal advantage.

HE IS RISEN!!

He is risen indeed.

(Thanks for reading, guys. I love you all. And if you love me back, consider voting this blog for Best Religion and Humor Blog over there on the right. I swear they do not spam you or send you emails after you sign up. Have a good Passover/Easter/Weekend everyone!)

As I Recall: Jonah And The Bile

I hope you people know what I go through for you. Because today, not only am I bringing you another Bible/Torah story, I am bringing you the story of Jonah.

AND THE WHALE.

If you remember, I have gone through some serious mental anguish in regards to googling whale pictures. And frankly, I don't think I have the wherewithal to do it again.

So for today's illustration, I've made something of my own:


That's right. It's Jonas And The Fail Whale.

Alright alright, enough stalling. On to the story!

Now if we did this as a true "As I Recall" with me just telling you the story as I remembered it, it would go like this: Once upon a time, there was a man named Jonah. He was eaten by a whale. Fin.

So once again I've gotta trust Ol' Soggy to lead me through this bad boy.

We jump right into this story with God talking to Jonah (And since they don't expand on where he comes from, I'm going to go with 123 Middle East Rd, Middle East City, Middle East.) So the Lord tells him to go to Nineveh which is referred to as both great and wicked. Make up your mind, God. Unless you mean wicked like, totally tubular?

Anyway, God wants Jonah to go to Nineveh and shake his fist wildly at it.

Jonah is not super into this idea. We don't really know the deal with Jonah, but apparently he is a huge coward. So he goes a-running off to Tarshish to try to find a place where God can't find him. Don't really know why he assumes Tarshish is a God-free zone, but the guy is dead-set on heading out there. So he finds a ship that's going there and climbs aboard.

Now you guys have read enough of these by now to figure out what happens next. If I know my Old Testament God (and I think that I do) when you cross him, SHIT. GOES. DOWN.

Not one to disappoint, God makes a crazy storm happen. Everyone on the ship is crying to their individual gods which is of course doing nothing without the exact invisible, almighty being in mind. But through all this, Jonah is sound asleep. Nothing like a mighty, death-creating storm to rock you gently in your dreams.

The captain of the ship comes down and freaks out and is all WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED AND PRAY TO YOUR GOD OUR GODS AREN'T LISTENING YELL YELL YELL.

Next, the sailors decide to cast lots to decide whose fault the storm is.

a. I'm still a little confused why anyone has to have caused this storm. At this point, I guess we're not-so-much with the science, and no one has figured out cold wind vs. hot wind yet.
b. What is a lot, you ask? And how do you cast one? Well, I asked this question, too. And the general consensus via the internet is: *shrug.* So I guess it's like rolling a die? Or flipping a coin? It's not that important. What's important is that casting lots causes them to start ganging up on Jonah.

The sailors are all "who are you? where are you from? what is your deal?" and they use the word calamity and I immediately started singing this Styx song:


So next I had a little dance party and forgot what I was doing and got up and made a sandwich and vacuumed a little and then remembered I was blogging so I got back to it.

Jonah tells the sailors that his god is the one that made the land and water and their knees start shaking and they get seriously freaked out. Not sure what their gods were supposed to have been in control of. My guess is sandals. The sailors ask Jonah what they could do to calm the storm, and he suggests that they throw him into the sea. At first the men still try to row themselves out of danger, bless their souls, but they are no match for The Wrath. So they pick Jonah up and throw him into the sea, and the storm immediately quiets down.

And here is where we pause, take a deep breath, calm....ommmm....ommmmmm...

God makes a whale eat Jonah.

Wait a second. Wait. A. Second. Hubba whhaaa? Ol' Soggy is telling me that it was not a whale. Or, well, it MAY not have been a whale. He actually calls it a "large fish." I'm sure it's one of those things where the original (Hebrew?) word could be translated to either "whale" or "large fish." Now, you may feel scandalized to realize such a fact. And you may feel scandalized if you are a big sciency nerd, because whales aren't even big fish, they are MAMMALS. But really, the man survived in the belly of an aquatic animal. Are we really going for scientific accuracy here? Let's move on.

Jonah hung out in the belly of the fish for three days and three nights. It is a gastric juices MIRACLE.

Jonah finally figures it out: there is no place where you are safe from God's Destructive Yet Apparently Loving Hand. So he sends up a prayer from the belly of the fish (why it took him 3 days to figure this out, I don't know. Maybe he spent the rest of his time fighting other swallowed sea creatures. *shudder*)

Finally, after hearing Jonah's prayer of thanksgiving, God tells the whale/fish to spit Jonah out into dry land and speaks to Jonah again with the same message: get your smelly fish ass to Nineveh and shake your fist at them.

So Jonah goes to Nineveh and tells everyone that if they don't shape up in 40 days, everyone is doomed (again with the 40. I'm telling you. I'm giving you serious Cash Cab knowledge here.) And amazingly, everyone believes him. And fasts. And puts on sackcloth. Again. What is the deal with sackcloth, honestly? Even the king hears Jonah's story, puts on a sackcloth, and sits in ashes, which is explained not at all. So...whatever?

Point is, everyone turns from their evil ways and God rethinks his plan of calamity.



The End.

As I Recall: Esther (But More Importantly, Eunuchs.)

I've taken on a new Bible challenge for this story. Since I have thus far failed in my search for a proper female lead (having tried once and given up...similar to my attempt at jogging) I took some advice from some of "my people" and set out in search of Esther, a Jewish Queen, and the reason behind Purim, which ended yesterday.



That's right. This chick even has a doll. A creepy, creepy doll

Now, even though I was able to deceive some into thinking I am Jewish (I can see how the brown hair and overwhelming love of matzoh might throw some people off) I can tell you now that I am not. I was raised in a stiff-upper-lip Protestant church, which still argues about whether or not the electric guitar is, in fact, a tool used by Satan to entrance us into Hell. My church valued the Bible, sure, but if you've read any of these recaps so far you know--either I didn't listen very often, or we just didn't hit on every story. Likely it's a little of both.

All this to say...I know NOTHING about Esther. Although I believe there is a Veggie Tales movie about her that I have not seen (Good Lord, there's no time to discuss Veggie Tales right now, people. Save it, SAVE IT.)

So, knowing nothing about Esther, I picked up my trusty Ol' Soggy and flipped laboriously though the stuck pages. And guess what?! The woman has her own book. Her own personal chapter, shall we say. All about her. And her awesomeness.

So this story begins with King Asomething, who commands his eunuchs to summon his Queen to his party so he can show off how hot she is.

AAAAAAAND TIME OUT. Eunuchs? Really? There are eunuchs in the Bible? I don't even know what the deal IS with eunuchs. Like, I know it has something to do with their bits. But is it that they have no bits? Born without bits? Mangled bits? Chopped-off bits? Frankly, I'm not sure I want to know. I'm easily queasy. But I didn't even know they were part of the Bible Plot Line! I just have so many questions! Do eunuchs still exist? Are they really as zombie-like as we portray them? What is the point of making eunuchs do your bidding? Is the will of the testicled SO powerful that they make terrible slaves? It's time to wikipedia this nonsense.

So anyway, the king is all drunk from partying and slurs to the eunichs to fetch him his queen but she refuses. So just in case word gets out and all women start thinking for themselves, they banish the queen to somewhere else and take a new queen. Phew, problem solved.

This is where Esther, the orphan/virgin/Jew stepped up to the plate. She didn't tell anyone about that last little tidbit about being Jewish. See, her Jewish name was actually Hadassah, which, I swear to God, means "myrtle."

MYRTLE.

Okay, let's move on.

No wait. MYRTLE.

Okay, let's really move on this time. So that no one knows she's Jewish, she changes her name to Esther, a Persian name that means "star." Lo and behold, the king loved her more than any of the other poor saps, and placed the Queen's crown on her head. PARTY TIME!

While all this is going on, Mordecai, who was the cousin/father-figure to Esther, hears a plot by two of the eunuchs to murder the king. Sooooo, I guess that solves that mystery because they still have anger and emotions? Frankly, it only confuses me further. WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE, EUNUCHS?!?! Anyway, Mordecai overhears it and tells Esther, who tells the king, who has the two eunuchs murdered. Bit of a random tale, but it comes back later.

Now, this guy Haman is the Head Official...who knows of what, but he's very important. When he walks by, all the king's servants bow down to him except for Mordecai. Haman is piiiiiissed. He decides that it would be silly to hurt Mordecai for not bowing. Childish, in fact. What would be better would just be to kill ALL the Jews in the entire world. He asks the king if it's okay. The king of course consents because, well, damn those Jews and their ways! *shakes fist*

So I guess there's a bunch of murder and confusion amongst the Jews, and Mordecai is ripping off his clothes and wailing and throwing things and...dressing in "sackcloth?" Don't really know about that one. Anyway, I imagine him like Steve Carell in 40-Year-Old Virgin when he just walks through every room of his apartment yelling. Eventually he gathers himself up enough to ask Esther to get the king to call off all the murdering. So Esther hitches up her royal suspenders and goes to the king. This is actually a pretty big deal because a) the king doesn't know she's Jewish, and by his decree, she should also be killed. But also, the king tends to kill people who come to him without being summoned. So DOUBLE LIKELIHOOD OF DEATH. But the needs of her people are just too great. So she goes before him and the king's all swoony and not in any kind of mood to kill her. Phew! Esther requests that the king and Haman come to a banquet that she will prepare the next day. The king's already like, "Yes, yes dear. Whatever you want shall be yours. I'd give you half my kingdom, *Gush gush gush*" so no problems there.

That day, Haman's all happy because he's been invited to this banquet. But when he passes Mordecai he's like, "BLARG! That damn Jew is still there and he still doesn't quiver at my feet!" So he gathered all his friends and wife and tells them that no matter how great and awesome and strong and rich and amazing he is, none of that matters, because that one dude doesn't bow to him. His friends and wife (who are thinking the same thing as I am) are like, "Uhhh, okay? You know you have the power to just kill him right? Why don't you quit being such a whiny bitch about it?" Haman drums his fingertips together with an "eeeeexcellent" and commands them to build some gallows in preparation.

That night, the king can't fall asleep so he calls a servant to read aloud from the boring book of records. During this, he finds out about Mordecai being the one to save him from eunuch murder (again...so weird) so he decides to honor him. He asks if anyone from the high court is around. It just so happens that Haman is outside his door preparing his speech. ("King, we SHOULD hang Mordecai. No, no. King, WE should hang Mordecai. We should HANG Mordecai. Yeah, yeah, that last one.") So the King lets Haman in.

The king asks him, "What should be done for someone I want to honor?" And Haman tells him to get a robe and a horse wearing a crown (Oh my god. My Little Pony existed in the Bible. All my dreams...) and to lead him around the town square proclaiming that this is what the king does to honor someone. I'm a little confused by this entire encounter because I'm pretty sure it said this king has been leading for 12 years. So why he has never had occasion to honor a single person in that time is beyond me. But he's also the one who was like "Kill the Jews for no reason? Why, sure! Here's my literal seal of approval."

So anyway, this was what Haman suggested the king should do, and the king's all, "Totally! Smart. Okay, go do that for Mordecai, and don't leave out a single detail." HAR!! Sucks to be you, Haman. Haman does everything he's told and then goes home to wail. His wife is no help. She's basically like, "Yeah, hun. If this guy's Jewish, you're screwed." Because I guess she knew that Jews are awesome?

The next day Haman, the king, and Esther sit down to dinner. And the king is once again all, "What do you want? You can have anything, before I even find out what it is." So Esther drops on them that she wants the lives of the Jews back and it is all VERY Inigo Montoya and the king is up in arms to learn that Haman has done such a thing (but...he did it, too...so...) then he finds out about the gallows that Haman had prepared for Mordecai and orders Haman hanged there. Ouch.

Next the king sends out new commands to turn everything around--but rather than tell people to just get along, he orders the Jews to defend themselves! Now they can kill anyone who might attack them, along with the women and children, and plunder all their goods! Oh, praise Adonai! The Jews are now so mighty that non-Jews are claiming Judaism because they're so terrified. Yippee! We win! We win!!


Eventually the Jews took a break from all the hanging, slashing, and plundering to celebrate their victory with a feast and a party. Thus begins the holiday of Purim, a day of great celebration, food, and giving to the poor.

So what have we learned? Well, we've learned that one of the great women of the Bible, one who gets her own book and her own holiday is...still not really that amazing. She stood up to a man who clearly already adores her. That's what she did. I'm beginning to lose faith in the idea that there is even one serious female role model in the Bible. That's not to say that, within the thousands of years that the Bible was written, there weren't some kick ass women. And it's very possible that Esther was one of them. But the men who told their stories just didn't give a rat's ass about them, which sucks. We get virgins and liars and whores. That's who we get. Where's our lion-punching, giant-killing, ark-building, crazy-faced women? I want a girl who bares her teeth and growls. I say we picket.

What do we want?
A GIRL WHO BARES HER TEETH AND GROWLS!!
When do we want it?
NOW (BUT ALSO FOR THE PAST 5,000 YEARS OR WHATEVER)!!!!!

As I Recall: All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kinderjesus.

Enough with the Old Testament! I've decided to skip ahead. We’re going forward by 80 jillion years (no, not really. I don’t know how long it is. A few thousand? Hundred? Stop guessing, Emily, stop it.) We’re going from David to his descendant, Jesus. Well, half descendant, half-deity. More specifically, we’re going to talk Jesus Stories! Huzzah!

For those that don’t know, Jesus was big on metaphors and similes. And he sure liked him some story morals. Since this is my first Jesus post, let me break the man down in a simple timeline.

1. Born. Donkey, manger, swaddling, shepherds, baa. (Details next Christmas.)
2. Child. “My father is God, I don’t have to listen to you, wahh.”
3. Adult.
a) Collects followers made of fishermen, tax collectors, other unlikely dudes.
b) Teaches his followers about peace and love through stories.
c) Heals a whole crapload of people.
d) Betrayed.
e) Killed.
f) ZOMBIE JESUS!!
g) Goes to Heaven.

Today we’re going to go over a few stories that Jesus tells (refer to section 3b.)
Once again, I’m going from memory on these bad boys. So I’ll need a bit of poetic licensing.

1. The Good Samaritan

Now there’s this Jewish guy walking along, minding his own biz, when a group of robbers come over and steal all his stuff; his gold, his donkey, his pride, etc. They leave him for dead on the side of the road. He’s laying there, writhing and everything, when I think a judge comes by? Maybe a doctor? Some professional of some sort who should theoretically be a good person. Sandal maker? Whatever. But he just passes on like a fart in the night. Next, a priest comes along. He also sneers and walks on. (Jesus, you will learn, is not a huge fan of priests.)

Then finally someone from Samaria comes along. This is actually quite the “OH SNAP” situation, because Samaritans are supposed to be the arch nemeses of the Jews.

(Side note: I'm not sure who ISN'T an enemy of the Jews...for some reason they really rile people up. Is it the yarmulke? It's probably the yarmulke.)

Now, you’d assume that this Samaritan isn’t going to stop. Well, hold on to your pack mule. Not only does he stop; he takes the guy to a nearby Hilton AND pays for his hospital bills. So moral of the story: love your enemy, don’t listen to what society tells you, and get a good insurance plan that covers helping thine enemies. CLASSIC Jesus.

I'm not pushing any ideals here, but I think it's important to your Bible In Pop Culture knowledge to know that the phrase "Good Samaritan" has become pretty general, and usually means "a stranger who helps someone." But this parable stresses giving help no matter who the person in need is. Even enemies.

2. The Prodigal Son

(This picture is from the site called It's A Black Thang.com which makes me so happy on so many levels.)

This story starts with a man and his two sons. One of these sons works hard and is awesome. And the other one is a pretty big jerk. He makes his dad give him a bunch of money, and then goes off and gambles and spends it and ends up sleeping with pigs. The son realizes he has no idea how to handle money, and crawls back home, begging forgiveness.

The dad is all “Oh, my son! You’re so awesome! I’m so glad you’re home!” To which the good son calls bull, of course. But the dad’s all, “Don’t you understand?! It’s my son and I love him!” So here we learn two things. One: parents are suckers (PS. Hey mom, I might have to come live at home for the month of May. Tell you about it later.) and Two: Forgive and forget those who have wronged you.

3. Rich Dude v. Poor Dude

As far as I can tell, that man is either knocking himself out with ether, or drinking a can of High Life in Heaven. I'm not sure which to root for.

Jesus is big into telling people that they have to be poor to get into heaven. Which helps, since everyone he’s preaching to just so happens to be poor as dirt. Now, I don’t really remember which parable is which, because Jesus is so into this moral. So I’m going to go ahead and combine them into one giant Rich v. Poor story. OKAY. SO. This rich guy is SO rich, he has to buy more and more storehouses to fit all his grains. And every day he passes by this poor guy begging in the street, but he just snarls and snatches his fancy robes away from him.

Eventually, both men die. The poor man goes to Heaven and the rich man, who doesn't get to take his grains with him, descends into Hell. The rich man’s all, "I'm thirsty. I'm hot. Fire hurts me." He calls up to Heaven for some water and gets a Soup Nazi NO HELP FOR YOU response.

The. End.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a dick. Also, Jesus tells people that it’s harder for a rich person to get into heaven than for a camel to get though the eye of a needle. “So you’re saying there’s a chance!”


Best part of this: tie between the camel's face and the plunger.

I’m pretty sure that the importance of the Rich v Poor stories (and why there are so many iterations of them) is that before Jesus came along, it was pretty well accepted that the richer, the holier. Like, you probably couldn’t get into the temple without paying alms. And if you couldn’t get into the temple, you couldn’t know enough about God. And if that’s the case, you can’t get into Heaven. So Jesus is all--BAM! FALSE! And blows everyone’s minds. Also, this pisses off all the priests. (Spoiler alert: Don’t piss off the priests, they will hunt you down.)

4) Sand vs. Rock



This one's short and sweet: Jesus tells everyone that basing their lives on his would be like building their house upon a rock. And not basing your life on Jesus would be like building your house upon the sand. The rains came down and the floods came up. The rains came down and the floods came up. The rains came down and the floods came up, and the house on the sand went *SPLAT!!*

Ahh, nothing like an interactive Sunday School Song to jog your memory.


Now those are the stories I remember, and those are the stories you’re gonna get. And you’re going to like it! Don’t be ungrateful, or I shall throw you out to the pigs.

As I Recall: David Does Everyone's Dirty Work

Bible stories are back!! It’s been a long time. I’m going through withdrawal. Withdrawal from my exponential descent into Hell.

Where to next, my friends? Well, my plan was to finally do a story about a woman who is not terrible. I considered Ruth. But after a quick read over her story, I discovered: nothing. Absolutely nothing. She was a widow who worked hard in a field and then got married. The End. Actually, the most interesting thing about Ruth is that her sister’s name is Orpah, which is what Oprah was supposed to be named, had her mom not messed it up. And ironically, I’m getting a little squiggly red line under Orpah and not Oprah. Which….I love.

So screw Ruth. I don’t need to hear about some namby-pamby goodie-goodie. I want someone who stirred up some shit! Someone who fights lions with his harp (or whatever.)

I want a man with stones. I want David.


Yeah, that’s right. This kid’s hardcore.

Of course we start this story a little before David: Currently, the king of Israel is this guy Saul. And God is none too happy with him. I guess God is able to regret decisions because HOOOO boy, was this a sloppy one. For one thing: Saul doesn’t kill enough people. I mean, I think that’s reason enough there to knock him off his throne.

So God sends this guy, Samuel, out to search for the next king. I’m not exactly sure who Samuel is or what his job is, but I’m pretty sure it’s a whole ‘nother story considering he has two books of the Bible: 1 Samuel, and Samuel The Sequel, Samuel Takes Manhattan.

Samuel goes out searching for the next king. God tells him to go to this guy, Jesse, because God has chosen one of his sons. If you’re wondering why he doesn’t just straight up tell him WHICH of the sons, welllll it’s all part of the story. Suspended reality, people. Because God also warns Samuel not to be looking for size or strength, but for heart. Of course, Samuel ignores this and asks to take a look at Jesse’s seven sons. Here, I imagine him like Bugs Bunny at the greyhound race, rubbing his chin and lifting their haunches for meatiness. But none of Jesse’s sons are given the go-ahead by God. Samuel asks Jesse if those are all of his sons, and Jesse replies that he has one more, David, the youngest, out with the sheep. Samuel demands he be brought in, and he’s the WINNER! Bells and whistles go off and a big blinking arrow is pointing toward David that says, “KING.” So that settles it. We’ve found the One. Now how to overturn Saul?

Well, I’m glad you asked. Because meanwhile, Saul is being tormented by an evil spirit from God (this seems a little “stop hitting yourself” to me, but...moving on.) His servants, in all their wise servantness, suggest he find someone to play the harp for him to calm the evilness. So they find David, who is one hell of a harpist, and make him come back to Saul to play for him. This pleases Saul, so he commands that David stay with him to calm his spirits whenever they arise.

Some time later, a great battle is a-brewin’. The Philistines (seriously, when will we get rid of these guys?!) are on one mountain, and Saul’s army is on the other, with a valley between them. Seems simple enough. But there’s just oooooone problem. The Philistines have Shaq. Uh, I mean Goliath. Goliath is “six cubits and a span.” Which I immediately looked up because I was really hoping that meant he was, like, 5 foot 10. But no. This guy is 9 foot 9. Yikes. The tallest man in modern history was 8 foot 11, if you were wondering.

Goliath comes out and he’s covered in armor and he has some seriously heavy weapons on him. And he taunts the Israelites, “Alright, which one of you pansies has the balls to fight me? Tell you what. If he manages to kill me, we’ll become your servants. But if I win, you have to become ours.” Which, in my opinion, is a selfish promise because if he dies, he’d never have to become anyone’s servant.

So the Philistines waited for someone to come forth. They waited for forty days. (If you are ever on Cash Cab and Ben Bailey asks you a Biblical trivia question with a number for the answer, SAY FORTY. Don’t think; just scream FORTY.) While the Philistines wait, David brings food from home to his brothers who are there. David hears Goliath taunting them, and then overhears some men saying, “Oh man, if someone defeated Goliath, the king would probably make him rich and give him his daughter.” David whips his neck around. “Say what now?”

David marches on over to his buddy the king and announces that HE would fight Goliath. Saul laughs him off, of course, because David is still just a boy. But David responds, “Look, Homes. I’m a shepherd. And whenever a lion or bear comes after my sheep, I punch them right in the mouth. So no two-bit, uncircumcised asshole is going to trash talk me and my family, you got it?” (Seriously, he did use “uncircumcised” as an insult. Feel the burn, Goliath. Feel it.)

Saul’s like, “Okay then! Peace be with you, my boy.” He gives David a bunch of armor, but it's so heavy, David can’t even walk in it. So, hardcore move #2, he refuses any armor. Instead, he picks up five smooth stones, puts them in his pocket, and walks on up to the Philistines.

Goliath, of course, laughs and makes fun of David. And David gives it right on back. It’s pretty great. He’s like, “You’ve got a sword, but I’ve got a bad ass God, motherfucker! Hiiiiiiii-ya!” And he slings one of his stones at Goliath. It hits Goliath right in the middle of the forehead and kills him immediately. Hardcore move #3: David runs over to Goliath and cuts off his head with Goliath’s own sword.

As the Israelites chase the now fleeing Philistines, we cut to Saul, brooding over David in the distance. Turning to the commander of the army, he asks, “Whose son is this young man?” (Uh, hello? It’s the boy who played away your evil spirits?) The Commander in chief shakes his head. “I don’t know, sire.” A shadow falls over Saul’s eyes. The dramatic music rises and we cut tight on Saul as his face darkens.

“Bring him to me.”

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

As I Recall: The Man Who Used Fructis

Alright. I’ve decided not to go in sequential order for my Bible Recaps. Even though the OCD side of me is VERY upset about this, trying to go from front to back is giving me facial spasms.

SO! What story do I do next? Well, I’m sticking with an Old Testament story, which coincides with me being allegedly Jewish. I’m going wiiiiiiith…..(awkward Michael Scott drum roll) Brrrrrrrrrrrrr……

SAMSON!


So first of all, I need to admit something. I’ve never seen Field of Dreams. I’ve never seen The Godfather. I’ve never seen Rocky. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard the story of Samson front to back. What is wrong with you?! What kind of life have you led?! I know. I know.

I KNOW.

So now I’m going to read the story of Samson before I review it. *Reading*…*Reading*… *Reading*…

Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh.

So it’s NOT SO MUCH with the peace and love. I always thought, “Oh, nice guy, long hair, strong...lovely woman. What else is there to know?” What ISN’T there to know, Emily Of The Past? What isn’t there?

Okay now. Let’s start with Samson’s birth. As any normal birth goes, Samson’s mother was having trouble conceiving, so the Lord went ahead and took care of that for her, sending an angel down to let her know. He told her not to drink any booze and not to cut the child’s hair...ever, because it was his connection with God or something. Seriously, why was Samson’s mother the ONLY one who was told not to wine it up while pregnant until, like, the 70s? I mean, if Mad Men has taught me anything (and it has), it’s that ladies in the 60s + fetuses + martinis = yes. But Samson’s mother, for “unknown” reasons was told not to drink of the vine. And thank God—literally—because that boy came out STRONG.

We’ve all seen at least four seconds of Supernanny, right? Where the parents are all Oh, I don’t want to discipline my child, I might hurt his feelings while the kid is screaming, “I WANT ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST, YOU BITCH!!!!” And the mom is wondering why her child hates her.

That is Samson. He was created by God for special things. And his parents treat him as such. So one day, Samson is putzing around near the Philistines, who currently rule over the Israelites (ooooof course) and he decides that some random Philistinian girl is super hot^max and wants her to be his wife. So he goes home and tells his parents straight up, “I met a girl, now make her mine, assholes.” And his parents are all “But, Darling. Wouldn’t you like to marry a nice Jewish girl? What about that girl Yentl? A nice girl, a good catch! True? True.”

But Samson will have none of it. So he goes back to town to talk to this girl. On the way over, what do you know, a lion jumps out at him. So Sampson “tore the lion apart barehanded as one might tear apart a kid.”

MASSIVE TIME OUT.

a. Holy shit. A lion. Which are like…what? At least twice the size of humans. And one of them is coming at you, so you just go J-Woww on it, attacking with zero thoughts of repercussions. Woww.
b. At first I read this as kid = child and there were so many terrible images in my head, let alone a whole new respect for the Bible, which compares ease of attack with children’s flesh. But then I realized they meant kid = baby goat.
c. WHO THE HELL CAN TEAR APART A GOAT BAREHANDED?!

TIME IN.

So Samson goes down to talk to this girl. And she pleases him. Well, that’s nice. I hope one day I can be “meh” enough for some guy to force me into marriage. So after a while, Samson goes back to marry this girl. Taking the same route, he passes the dead lion carcass (good times) and sees that bees have set up camp inside the lion, and they’ve made a bunch of honey. Normal. So Samson scoops out a handful of honey from the rotting, disgusting carcass and continues on to the ceremonies. When he gets to his parents, he gives them some. (“Hey, Mom and Dad! I’ve got a loose handful of honey! Want some?” “Sure, son! We will by no means find this weird or ask you where you got it. *Lick, lick*)

So then there’s this thing about a riddle that makes ZERO sense and, in the end, Samson kills a ton of Philistines, who in turn burn Samson’s wife to death. It’s some crazy stuff, trust me, but this post is getting lengthy, so I’m gunna move us along.

So now there are all sorts of eye-for-an-eye things going on between Samson and the Philistines. But eventually Samson’s own people are tired of it, and tie him up and bring him to the Philistines. Too bad none of them know about the whole lion debacle from earlier, because a few ropes are child’s play to Samson at this point. He rips off the rope and reaches for the fresh jawbone of a donkey (and, really, who hasn’t seen one of those lying around?) And he kills—-wait for it—-a thousand men. One thousand. Fezzik can only kill 10.

Samson, a little more brawn than brain, says: “With the jawbone of a donkey, I have slain a thousand men.” ...Provoking.

Now comes the parts about Samson that I recognize: Delilah and the pillars.

So Samson falls in love with this girl named Delilah. And the Philistines tell her that if she figures out how to overcome him, they’ll give her a bunch of money. So she asks him straight up, “Samson, how can you be bound?” Of course, Samson lies and tells her if they use this one kind of string, he won’t get free. So in the night, she ties him up with that string and then screams, “The Philistines are upon you!” And obviously Samson breaks free right away.

So at this point, if I know my man Samson, he would snap this girl’s neck and hightail it out of there. But instead, HE gets in trouble! I tell you, women and their wiles. So Delilah pouts, “You lied to me and mocked me! How rude! Now tell me the truth!!” And instead of smacking her across the face, Samson just tells her another lie. So she tries it, it fails, and she yells at him again. This happens like four times. FINALLY Samson is so tired from all the nagging (LOL aren’t we women just the worst?) that he actually tells her how to make him weak: cut off his hair. Double u. Tee. Eff. So, of course, she cuts off his hair and then calls in the Philistines. They throw money at her, and cart Samson away. Oh, AND they gouge out his eyes for good measure. Yay!!

Now the Philistines could finally rest easy because Samson had been defeated. But one day, all the high lords and ladies are celebrating and they call for Samson so they can be entertained by him. Because it ain’t a party until there’s a weak, pathetic guy with no eyes standing next to you, weeping.

Samson asks to be led toward the house’s large pillars so he can lean on them. Then he shoots up a quick message to God, asking God to pulse through his hair once more so that he can take revenge on his enemies. He puts one hand on each pillar, and God gives him the strength to push down both pillars, killing everyone at the party, including himself.

Ta-daa!!!! Now why wasn’t that story in Sunday School?

As I Recall: Genesis. Killing The Gays and Fooling the Blind.

I went on a quest to figure out what story to do next, and discovered something: the Old Testament is completely insane. Which is something I guess I already knew, but seriously, guys. Seriously.

So I decided to just pull some quality samples for you. Trying something new here; these are stories that do actually follow along with the text (er...ish), because I didn’t even know enough to crappily retell them from memory and had to use Old Soggy.

So here are a few more things that go down in Genesis:

The Tower of Babel:

How did we get from Noah’s family to a billion people all over the earth, you ask? Simple answer! Forget Pangea. No science needed, guys. It’s covered. So there’s only a handful of people, they all speak the same mystery language (American English, I’m assuming), and they decide to work together and build a skyscraper. And God’s like, “BAH! Working together? Cooperation?! What is this, Sesame Street? Let’s shake things up around here!” So he takes his tongue of fire and makes everyone speak a different language. Then he picks them up by their scruffs and drops them off in different places around the world. Frankly, if I was the person who got stuck with Siberia, I’d be piiiiiissed.

Abraham:

There is nothing NOT frightening about this reenactment picture.

So Abraham was one of the early guys. At first, his name was Abram. But when he was 100 years old (literally,) God shows up, scares the crap out of him, changes his name to Abraham, and makes a whole bunch of promises to him.

Then he tells Abraham to circumcise everyone—the first of about 80 references to circumcision in this particular book. Someone’s got some Freudian issues, and I think his name is God. Finally, God tells Abraham that Abraham's going to bear a son, which cracks Abraham’s sh-t up. He seriously loses his mind laughing. “Oh, God. You’re a stitch! Seriously, have you considered comedy? Because that is honestly a good one.” And God just stands there with his arms crossed and blinks. Finally God’s like, “Ahem. Anyway, name him Isaac. See ya.” And then Abraham goes out and runs around with a scalpel, swishing it back and forth until he’s taken care of every dude in a 10-mile radius.

Later, when Isaac is a little older (and Abraham is rickety beyond comprehension,) God comes back to Abraham and tells him to burn Isaac as a sacrifice to God. Abraham gives a little heel click and goes off to do God’s bidding. He drags Isaac away, telling him they’re going to sacrifice a lamb. Things get a little suspicious when Abraham has a knife, some fire...and zero lamb. Isaac starts getting all shifty-eyed, but Isaac just brushes him off. “Nah, we’re cool. God’s going to give us a lamb when we get there.” Which Isaac is totally okay with. I guess during a time when God just shows up willy-nilly, I might believe that, too. So I’mma give Isaac that one. So Abraham’s setting everything up, he’s got Isaac tied and his knife quivering in the air when an angel finally shows up (I guess this time God was too busy to make a guest appearance?) and tells him “JK LOL! You don’t have to kill your son. It was a test!” At this point I’d find it hard to not at least grumble “ass” under my breath, but Abraham takes it all in stride, and they go back home.

Sodom and Gomorrah:


So Sodom was the town that was completely sinful. Or gay. I'm not totally sure. (Kinda skimmed it.) Either way, it's doomed. They give a little example of how outrageous this town is. So this nice guy named Lot lived there with his family. One night, two angels come to hang out with Lot, play a little poker maybe, have a few beers. You know, typical angel stuff. But every guy--ALL of them--in the town saw the two angels go into Lots house, and banged on the door, saying, “Hey, you just let two hot men into your house! Bring them out so that we can do them!” (Yeah. I said “do” like that.) Lot gives them a perfectly viable second option: “Please don’t sleep with these angels! Hey, you know what? I’ve got a couple virgin daughters! Take them instead!” And the Dad of The Year award goes to… Luckily, the men were all, “Girls, BLECH!!” So Lot runs back inside and the angels strike all the men blind, and I quote, “so that they were unable to find the door.” I’m sorry. You are suddenly BLIND. Are you seriously like, oh I can’t see. No matter! Sleeping with a stranger THIS SECOND is more important than my SIGHT. Now where is that damn door? *grope, grope*

So I guess Sodom (and then this other neighboring town, Gomorrah) were all covered in sin and yet another hopeless cause. Too bad God had already promised no more floods, so he takes the next route and goes with fire (earth and wind come later). First, though, he tells Lot to take his family and run away and not look back OR ELSE, FOR REALS. Lot’s wife, who doesn't understand the phrase FOR REALS, turns back. BAM. God turns her into a pillar of salt. She may have been stupid, yes, but at least now she's delicious. And useful in preserving sacrificed lamb meat.

Jacob and Esau:

When Isaac (poor, unsacrificed Isaac) grows up, he has twin boys: Jacob and Esau. Isaac is a fan of Esau, because Esau is a great huntsman and Isaac really likes meat. Seriously, that’s why.

So Isaac is old and blind and he tells Esau to go out and get him some meat, and then Isaac will bless him. Jacob finds out about this and goes and does it even faster. Even though he is the lesser huntsman. Whatever. So his plan is to just pretend to be Esau, but since he’s a hairless wonder and Esau is a beast, he needs to make sure he is nice and hairy like his brother. So he covers his hands and the back of his neck with the bloody skins of the goats he just killed. (Hello, Tyra? Yeah, I have an idea for Cycle 13.) Newly Hairy Jacob goes in to see his father, who actually buys the goat fur. Seriously, how hairy is Esau? Is he the original Wolf Man? No matter. So he believes it and blesses Jacob and tells him he’ll be successful and everyone will bow down to him. Jacob gives the thumbs up and leaves. Then Esau comes in with his perfectly trimmed goat and naturally fuzzy skin and they all discover the shenanigans that have just gone down. Esau demands to be blessed too, but Jacob says, “TOO BAD! One blessing per son! I can’t just say words TWICE, boy! I’m no magician. Now you’re doomed. Enjoy!” Esau’s pissed, Jacob flees, Isaac dies.


...or did I just BLOW YOUR MIND?

So those are the big parts of Genesis. Joseph’s in there, too, but it’ll have to wait for another day. I also skipped a story where one of Jacob’s daughters is raped, so her brothers make every man in the town get circumcised and then kill them in the night. It’s up there with Monte Cristo on the revenge scale. Awesome.

So thanks for reading, thanks for comments!

As I Recall: Moses Lets His People Go...Past a Whale.

Ahh, home sweet home. Today I returned from a stint dog-sitting for three dogs. Three of them. Let me explain to you something: in the math world, three is one more than two. In the dog world, three is actually about twenty million more than two. It's a complicated world, the dog world.

But now I am home, and my roommate's cat, Charlie, is back to lovingly appreciating my warm lap.


My trek from a foreign land where I was held captive by an evil ruler (Hildy, the jumping beagle) to my home, where God gives me manna from heaven (Charlie gives me arm-hair licks) has reminded me of another story. That of Moses.



I include this picture from Prince of Egypt, because, while I have heard the story many times, let's be honest. As soon as something is turned into a movie, that's how things look in my brain. Example: What does Hagrid look like? ...I rest my case.

And I apologize, for I have never seen the DeMille/Heston version which is a travesty and I shall add it to my Netflix. Right after Fern Gully and Memoirs of a Geisha.

But, in case you haven't seen the story (or would just like me and my admittedly terrible memory to recount it,) here you are.

So last we last checked in on the Bible, We had Noah, his family, and two of everything else. Except that raven that never flew back. He left a widow bird. And that's why today we don't have ravens. Wait...

Cut to roughly 80 gajillion years later. Noah's descendants have grown into God's Chosen People, the Hebrews. And somehow they have gotten themselves into a bit of a pickle. They are now slaves of the Egyptians. WHOOPS! Oh, God, the hijinks you get into time and again. You should write a book.

So okay. Slaves. That sucks. But the things is, these aren't no Woody Allens being whipped and forced to make papyrus. These are some broad-shouldered Jews. And the Egyptians are scared. Or maybe the Pharaoh caught wind of the whole Chosen People thing...I'm not sure. Maybe both. Important thing here is that Pharaoh gets his headdress in a twist about it and, in order to keep them from an uprising, demands every Hebrew baby boy is murdered. Because as we all know, the way into your slave's hearts and keeping them calm is by killing their little newborn miracles.

So in order to save Moses from assured death, his mother submits him to mere probable death by putting him in a basket and letting him careen down the river. As luck would have it, baby Moses floats on over to the Pharaoh's domain, and is adopted by the fine fine people who brought you such ideas as "Hey I know, let's kill all the Hebrew babies!"

Cut to years later. Moses is a grown royal prince and there's a new Pharaoh in town. One who is still not real keen on this whole pack-of-strong-Hebrews thing, and insists they remain as slaves.

So Moses is walking around by himself, probably petting a cat, trying not to get sand in his eyes, when WHOOSH!! The bush next to him catches on fire. This is the middle of the desert so spontaneous combustion isn't uncommon, I imagine. But then--get this--the bush starts talking. THIS, Moses will notice. So once he wipes himself, he realizes that this is God talking to him. And God is telling him that Moses needs to lead all the Hebrew slaves out of Egypt to their Chosen Land. Err, Promised Land. Whatever. To the land that God has been promising them since...um...since somewhere between Noah and Moses, I guess. Moses, like everyone in every Bible story, basically tells the bush that what God wants sounds hard as hell and he'd really rather not. God says, "Too bad! No takesies backsies!" and goes back to Heaven.

So Moses hikes back to the Castle/Pyramid/wherever it is Pharaohs live and lets the guy know that he's going to go ahead and take all his slaves away, lol winking smiley face. No, no. What he says is, "LET MY PEOPLE GOOOOOO!" All overdramatic and with true conviction, so that the Pharaoh will concede. The Pharaoh isn't super pumped about this and tells Moses exactly where he can take the slaves (which I won't repeat here.) So Moses is like, "Alright man. You asked for it. Prepare for some freaky stuff to start happening."

AND OH, DOES IT.

Upon the people of Egypt comes a whole bunch of plagues. In no particular order (because, of course, I can't remember the order) we have:
- Frogs raining from the sky (cutest rain ever?)
- A bunch of locusts (and if you live in Chicago you know those cicadas are NOT AWESOME)
- And I think flies or some kind of bug. Those last two probably ruined the crops, and probably also made for some very lethargic rain frogs.
- Then he turned the river into blood,
- And killed all the livestock (But really, there's no water and no plants. Were the cows going to survive much longer anyway? Really?) and...
- Okay and then there were definitely a few more plagues but I don't remember them. So key part here is: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Yahweh Scorned.

The important thing is the FINAL plague. God tells the Hebrews to kill a lamb (which I guess were not part of the dead livestock thing) and spread the blood over their doors. That way, when he sends the Holy Spirit through the town that night, he'll know by the blood that the house belongs to one of his People. Because nothing screams "JEWS LIVE HERE" like a splash of lamb's blood. So the Hebrews do this, but the Egyptians do not. And that night God goes through the town and kills the first-born son of each household without the blood. SERIOUSLY the Bible is really into killing baby boys.

This final act is what convinces the Pharaoh to let Moses lead the Hebrews out of Egypt. The slaves pack up all their stuff quickly. This whole ordeal is what Passover is all about: "Passover" because God passed over the Hebrews houses. And they eat matzoh because the Hebrews didn't have time to let the bread rise. Okay...my Jewish tradition knowledge gets a bit hazy from here but let me just say: matzoh + horseradish + apple butter = hhhhawesome. So yay for Moses and yay for the slaves. The end.

SIKE!!! Jaaaaaay kaaaaay. While the throngs are exodizing, the Pharaoh has a change of heart and decides to go after them. CRAP! Run, millions of people! RUN!! So they're running and the Egyptians are close behind and there are chariots involved and it's all very exciting until they get to the Red Sea. BAH! WHAT NOW? So Moses finds a rickety hanging bridge and they all get across until the last person and then the bridge falls off and the one guy just barely makes it!

SIKE AGAIN!!!! You guys are seriously gullible. No, Moses takes his staff (if you are going to lead a multitude, you will need a staff. FYI.) and he raises it in the air and he says the magic words and he plunges it into the river and God makes the river part, and the people walk across.

And here is where we must pause. Because here marks an important moment in Emily's life. It is the moment when she came to terms with a great and mighty fear. A fear which clutches her entire being. A fear which she will explain in another post. The fear...of whales.

AVERT YOUR EYES, ALL WHO HAVE A SOUL!


This is another picture from The Prince of Egypt, where the people are walking past the wall of parted water, and the lightning illuminates the water. And a whale swims by. Apparently this is an awe-inspiring image to some. To me, it is bone-chillingly terrifying. If I was a slave walking by when that happened, I would be like, "Welp! That's about as much as I need to see. If anyone needs me, I will be back there, learning hieroglyphics." When I saw this moment in the movie, I think it was the first time I realized how scared I am of whales. It's been downhill since there. I will explain more later, promise.

So, amazingly, none of the Hebrews turns back around. They just keep on walking past the lightning beast. And when they all get out, the Egyptians are hot on their tail and still in the sea bed. So what does God do? Well, as a caring, loving God who appreciates all creatures great and small, he releases the parted sea and drowns every Egyptian in sight. HOORAY! *Our Godddddd is an awesome God, he reeeeeeigns from Heaven above with wiiiiiisdom power and LOVE, our God is an awesome Goddddd.*

So Moses and His People are free! Free to roam that is. Which they do. For a seriously long time. I think 40 years. Probably more? I don't really know why they can't just get over to where they've been promised. Clearly large bodies of water aren't an issue. But they roam, and I guess God gives them manna which is some kind of food. But it's pretty bland, considering he made it from rocks.

Oh, and some time during the Roaming, Moses goes up on a mountain and comes back with 10 Commandments from God. Thou shalt not kill, that kind of thing. And when Moses comes back down, he sees that people have built a golden calf and are now worshiping that instead of God. And Moses screams, "What the HELL people?! Do you realize how hard it was for me and God to get you here!?!? KILL THEM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!"

And that (all of it) is why Moses is my homeboy.


Thanks for reading guys. Thanks for the encouragement. Thanks for existing, frankly. May I put in a little request for you--leave a comment here on the blog! It's easy! It's fun! And if you leave your first name, I'll know who wrote it! Exclamation points!

As I Recall: Noah Surrounds Himself With Manure.

Next on our journey through the Bible For Pop Culture Survival, we visit a marvelous man named Noah.


Wow. God bless you, Google. God bless you.

Oh, wait. Before we discuss Noah, we have to touch on Cain and Abel.
Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve's sons. Cain killed Abel.

That's really all you need to know/all I can remember. So in summary: God creates two people. They produce one child who lives past puberty.

Cut to Noah's time. Many people live on the earth, but God isn't too happy with how it's all worked out. I'm thinking it's because you left the Earth's colonization up to some dude who'd just killed his brother and that guy's mother, but whatever.

So Noah, his wife, and his grown children are surrounded by a bunch of sinners. I don't remember what it is they do that's so wrong. I imagine laying with pigs was somewhere in the mix, because God is seriously upset with these guys. So he tells Noah "My bad! Do over!" And he commands Noah to build an ark. Which, according to my childhood coloring books, looks like a giant, covered, wooden boat.

Noah has multiple grown children at this time. I know people used to breed young, but seriously this guy had to be up there, age-wise. He must have been the Clint Eastwood of his day, being all wrinkly but muscly at the same time. I mean, the man made an enormous boat. And do you know WHY I know it was enormous?

Because it had to fit a zillion animals. God only wants to wipe out those sinning humans, not the fuzzy creatures. So he tells Noah to gather every animal. All of them. Every single animal. Every disgusting spider, every kind of bear. Polar, brown, black, spectacled...wow, I really know too much about bears. Anyway, God was like, "yeah, just put two of each sex in there. Trust me, I did it with humans before. It'll work out." And as soon as Noah does this and closes the ark door, it starts raining.

There was a cartoon of this story that they used to show us as children, where this ragtag group of teens goes back in time to witness all the Bible stories. And this is the part in the Noah Cartoon that terrified me to my soul. Because it starts raining--AND HOW. This ain't no "sprinkle." This is Vengeful God Rain, people. So the flood waters rise scarily fast. And in the movie, the sinning dude who is making fun of Noah the whole time suddenly finds himself with water rising--rising--aaaaaand he's dead. And I am three and crying.

So Noah, his wife, his family, and two of every animal chill in the ark for forty days and forty nights. When the rain stops, Noah decides to find out what's going on outside the ark. I assume the smell of 40 days of manure from every animal in the world has gotten to his head a bit. Because, even though he looks out the window and sees nothing but water, he sends out a bird to check for land. I think a raven? Some kind of ugly bird no one cares about. And the bird never comes back, that bitch. So Noah waits a bit and then sends a dove. The dove brings back an olive branch. And so now both the dove and "extending the olive branch" stand for peace. Which...makes no sense to me. Shouldn't they stand for "dry land?" Yeah, you got me there. But no matter--Huzzah! There is land somewhere within a radius that the dove can fly! And...we have no idea which way the dove came from!....crap.

Eventually the rain water subsides, everyone leaves the ark and the earth is a lonely, wet place. It's cool, though, because God slams down a rainbow on everyone to prove that he'll never do that again. But after that picture I found for the beginning of the story...I don't know, maybe the rainbow has been destined for other meanings for a long time.

As I Recall: Adam and Eve Lay Around Naked

So last night I remembered an old idea I had for a book: Bible Stories For Pop Culture Survival.

I used to work with someone who wasn't raised in any religion, and he rarely understood biblical allusions. Now, I in no way require this guy to read the Bible or believe in what it says. But I think he (and others who never learned Bible stories) should have an easy way to learn these stories. Then if someone calls him a Judas, he won't have to smile and nod. He'll know he needs to cut a bitch.

Here's my first attempt at one of these stories. WARNING: this is a Bible story as I remember it from my Sunday School days, with no references used. Because I think it'll be more interesting that way. I know I won't get everything right. Please allow me some creative freedom.

We start at the Beginning.


So in the Beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light" and BAM. There was light. Day one, accomplished. God dusted off his hands and said, "How do you like THEM apples?" And then he created apples.

God then spends the next six days creating everything ever. Stars, earth, water, animals, and man. This is apparently a very taxing thing to do, even for The Almighty, so on the seventh day he rested. I believe this is why we all rest one day a week.

Eventually, God decides that Adam, the man he created, needs someone to do his dishes and cater to his whim. So God takes a rib out of Adam and creates Eve. Adam recovers faster than someone on Lost, and everything is hunky dory. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden doing who-knows-what. I guess it was supposed to be paradise, although laying around naked in the grass with no internet and squirrels pointing at my bits doesn't sound like paradise to me, but...this was a bajillion years ago. Times change.

So God next invents reverse psychology and tells Adam and Eve that they are allowed to do whatever they want EXCEPT eat the fruit from some tree. Adam and Eve say "cool, got it" and stay away. UNTIL...

One day Eve is walking around, minding her own biz, being naked, when a snake starts talking to her. The snake is actually Voldemort. Err...I mean, Satan. And Satan thinks it would be HILARIOUS if Adam and Eve ate the fruit that God specifically said not to eat. So a little hissing, a little slithering, a little c'mon man, all the cool kids are doing it, and Eve is convinced. She runs to Adam and tells him to eat the fruit, too. Adam, who probably can't be bothered to listen to Eve because she had just come bouncing over to him naked, grabs the fruit and takes a bite.

At this point, I imagine everything goes down like in Aladdin, when Abu takes that big red gemstone in the Cave of Wonders. God gets pissed. He's all "HOW DARE YOU EAT THE FRUIT! YOU WILL NEVER--SEE THE LIGHT--OF DAAAAAAAAAY! *lava*" and Adam and Eve just stammer, "but....but..." and the snake smirks in the shadows.

So Adam and Eve are banished from paradise, and WORSE, they realize they are naked and they are ASHAMED. So they grab some fur and some leaves and sulk off to their place of banishment.

Next time: Noah builds an Ark and God sends a rainbow to say LOL JK