A few of my friends get together and watch Lost every Sunday. It started as an attempt to hang out with some friends who'd just had a baby. Well, it's been about a year and now that baby is walking, shaving, rolling his eyes at us (as children do) and we are officially about to start the 5th season. And in honor of that season and its time-transforming properties, I thought I'd post this: a list I'd made while we watched the very 1st season. This is accidentally my 3rd go around watching Lost (the 2nd time was for Joe) so at this point I've started to notice things a bit more acutely. Please forgive my cynicism. When the Monster and the Others wear off, you are left mostly with agitation.
Try to catch up. This game is sure to floor you every episode, so take small sips.
DRINK...
When Locke or anyone else says "Don't tell me what I can't do!"
Once for each flashback.
Any nickname given by Sawyer.
Every time Kate butts in.
Whenever Kate does the opposite of what Jack tells her.
Whenever Kate just generally gets on your nerves.
Whenever you hate Shannon even more than you hate Kate.
"Dude."
When Claire says "Okay?!"
When someone immediately decides the culprit.
When it turns out it wasn't that person.
Every time Arzt is--Whoops, nevermind. Bye, Arzt.
Whenever someone is irrational.
Whenever the bottom of Locke's foot is way too clean.
When Ethan's baby face--AHHHHH! IT'S ETHAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!
Any time Jack risks his life even though he is the only doctor and therefore the only real chance at survival on the island.
Every time the women on the show are horrible and the men do everything important.
Whenever you get annoyed by that episode's feature character.
When someone has "daddy issues."
Whenever you wonder how someone got the item they have while on an island.
Any time you remember that if you make it through the season, you will be rewarded with Henry Gale.
I know what I'm about to say makes me the Kimmy Gibbler of your lives, but I have a confession to make: I talk through movies. And I like it.
*Pause while you all give me evil looks*
*Ow, those are some painful looks*
*Okay stop now please*
*IT BURNS US*
There, are we done? Good, now I can explain myself. I like movies. I like how they make me feel. I like forgetting how boring my life can be and reveling in the idea of marrying Richard Gere in the New England countryside instead. It's not that I don't LIKE movies or like knowing what is going on during them. But I also go to movies WITH people. And I don't just do it so that I look like I have friends. I go with people because movies are experiences that I like to share. And just passively letting a movie wash over me seems like an incredible waste of time and money.
I don't usually talk through an ENTIRE movie. Usually it's one of these common phrases:
1. Oh, it's that guy! From the place! 2. Where is that guy from? 3. REER! 4. Wait...what just happened? 5. Those two should make out. 6. Oh! Friends. He was on Friends. He was Pheobe's boyfr--okay sheesh. Shh yourself.
At least I'm able to hold it back when necessary. Well, in a way. I can hold back talking the way someone holds back milk when they laugh. It ends up coming out in sputters and out of all kinds of holes in my head. Bat-like squeals and silent hand clapping are not unheard of.
My movie talking cohort is Adrienne. She and I discovered our love of talking through movies during Love Actually. That or Bridget Jone's Diary 2: The Edge Of Reason. Some masterpiece staring Hugh Grant, that's all I know. Either way, it was a magical experience and I'm sure we annoyed the people around us but DAMN we had a good time. There was even seat dancing. And honestly, there's nothing better than seat dancing.
It is my goal in life to go with Adrienne to a really bad movie during its last week in the theaters, in the middle of the day on like a Tuesday. Then we'll be there all alone and we can sit on opposite sides of the theater and just YELL comments back and forth at each other. Something staring J-Lo or WhatsherfacetheblondegirlfromGrey's.
Anyway, that's all I really have to say on the subject. I need to get ready to head over to Adrienne's now actually. Lost is on tonight and HELLS YES we will need to rewind a million times to find out what people just said because we won't hear anything the first go around. *Waves Ben Linus pennant for good measure*
Hey kids! It's time for another "As I Recall"! After my last post about the Easter Story, I think it's time I got back to my comfort zone: the Old Testament. Ahh, good ol' OT. You are like the girl at the bar wearing a gold tube top for a skirt: no matter how messed up I expect you are, you always seem to have a level of crazy hiding that I never would have guessed.
And, not one to disappoint, the book of Daniel pulls through again!
Okay, here's the story as I remember it: Daniel doesn't want to pray to the king. He wants to pray to God. So the king throws Daniel in with a bunch of lions. God protects Daniel from being killed, and when the king comes back to retrieve the bones, he finds Daniel alive and well. Hurrah! Done.
But I checked Ol' Soggy, and there all kinds of shenanigans here, you guys. Read on:
First we start with how Daniel got there in the first place. There's this king named Nebuchadnezzar. Best named king EVER. But since it is a bitch to spell out, we're going to just refer to him as the King. Sorry, guys. So the King takes over some spot of land, and commands that the smartest, strongest Israelites be brought to him so he can convert them to his...sect or whatever. Oh, and they've got to be easy on the eyes. BY THE BY, have we all noticed that Old Testament characters tend to be acknowledged as hot? Don't even start with me on Hollywood giving everyone a complex. God started it.
So they send over Daniel. Oh and they send over three other guys who I thought were from a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY: Hsomething, Msomething and Asomething. Who were renamed Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. WHAT?! Okay, awesome. Apparently you guys are getting a double whammy story. How fun for you. If anyone needs me, I will be blogging into the late evening, apparently.
The first story here is a little lesson in healthy eating. Let me just brush off the powdered sugar from my hands...*wipe, wipe*...that's better. So Daniel, Shad, Meesh, and Bed are living with royalty now. But Daniel doesn't want to defile himself with all that evil, delicious King food and wine. Because God forbid someone take pleasure in anything they ever do in the Bible. So Daniel demands that they be fed only vegetables and water. Awesome. Our Bible heroes are a bunch of vegans. Well, I'm sure this will turn out well for them.
BUT IT DOES. After ten days of nothing but celery, these men are fatter and healthier than the people given the royal food. WHAT? In what world are we living here? Were these chocolate-coated carrot sticks? Lard-infused zucchini? I guess we've gotta chalk it up to God and move on. But come on now. Can I move to this magical land where wine and King food knocks off this little mid-section I've got going on?
WHATEVER. Next the Bible goes LOST on us and explains how huge things happen in four seconds. ("This is what the whispers are?" "Yup." *Emily punches JJ Abrams in the eye*) At this point we learn in one sentence that God gives the four men knowledge "in every aspect of literature and wisdom, even SEO" and gives Daniel special dream-interpreting skills. Also nunchuck skills.
Next the King has a dream. And he says he'll kill anyone who can't interpret it for him. So Daniel of course steps up, does the job, and is praised by the King. YAWN, heard it before. Come up with some new plot lines, The Bible.
Okay, here's a new twist. The King creates a statue out of gold. And he demands that everyone worship the statue. Some people point out that Shad, Meesh, and Bed are Jews and won't worship the statue. The King goes crazy and demands that they worship the statue or face the fiery furnace. The three of them get all kinds of attitude, doing z-snaps and they're all, "We don't have to prove NOTHING to you. Our God might save us, he might not, but HELL NO we will not worship your shitty statue."
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand *furnace*. The King was SO angry that--get this--HIS FACE WAS DISTORTED. Good God, not that! ANYTHING BUT THAT!! So, with steam pouring out of his ears, the King demands that the furnace be turned up 7 times it's normal heat and had the men thrown in, clothes and all. Turns out, I guess 7 times the normal amount is a bit rash. The flames were so insane that they immediately killed the men who threw in Shad, Meesh, and Bed.
And guess what? Suddenly the king looks into the fire and sees four men (one "having the appearance of a god", because we all know what that looks like), unbound and strolling around in the middle of the fire. Having some crumpets, tipping their hats at one another...that kind of thing. So the King calls to them to come out, and they do. Completely unsinged. Damn it, if I put my hair dryer too close to my face, I singe an eyebrow. Where's God when I need him, hmm?
So the King decrees that anyone who talks shit about God from now on will be torn limb from limb! Hooray!! Nothing like peaceful protest to inspire love and understanding in others.
Now, are we done? Of course we aren't. The book of Daniel has only BEGUN to get crazy. So here we go. One day, the King is walking around his Kingdom, being all "wow, isn't my kingdom awesome?" when a voice from heaven calls down to him and says, "Nope. You will be thrown out and you'll have to eat grass until you learn that God does whatever the hell he wants." And then that exact thing immediately happened. No one kicked him out, no reason given for the change. Just all of a sudden, the king finds himself living alone, eating grass, until "his nails became like bird's claws." W. T. F.
WAIT, THERE'S MORE. Because then we go FIRST PERSON on your ass. And suddenly we get, "Yes, I, Nebuchadnezzar praised God for being so awesome and making me eat grass. And then my 'reason' returned to me and I went back to my kingdom and was reinstated and I praised God." I can't even...there's not even...so many....*sigh*...moving on.
OH MY GOD. Okay, so you know how I started writing this so that people who don't know the Bible can understand common allusions? Well consider my mind blown.
Ever heard the phrase, "He couldn't read the writing on the wall"? As in, he ignored the obvious doom coming? IT'S FROM THE BIBLE. Is this an ends meat situation all over again?? Please tell me that you all did not know that this was a biblical issue.
Okay so here's the story: The King (who is now Nebuchadnezzar's son) is having dinner with a bunch of people and suddenly Thing from the Adams Family starts writing in the plaster wall. Which ARGH that must have sounded terrible. But it wrote in some other language that the King couldn't read. So he called in everyone to interpret it for him, and of course no one but Daniel could do it. Part of the interpretation was "your days are numbered, Kingy." And the King's like, Yay! Thanks for telling me what it says! Here is purple clothing and a gold chain (very Run-DMC if you ask me.) That night, the King was killed. WHOOPSIE! Probably should have read the writing on the wall. And that is where the phrase comes from. World: upside-down.
Now finally, FINALLY we come to the Lion's Den Plotline. And, frankly, I am worn out. I have been interpreting the hell out of this book. To be honest, there's not much more to the plotline than what I told you.
Here's my beef: what is the point of teaching every king the exact same lesson? How many kings do we need to teach here? Why does no one EVER figure out that God is the best BEFORE terrible things befall him? I'm not even done with this book and so far we have 3 kings learning the exact same thing. We get it.
Note: if you're not exactly 'the reading type,' I'd suggest scrolling on down to "RECAP" where the most important info lies. The rest is just life.
Happy Friday to all!
So check it, check it. BOY am I glad I got up the gumption to put on pants yesterday--TWICE, might I add.
Baby steps.
I'm glad because Adrienne and I pulled out a rock star performance yesterday at the weekly Mustache-a-thon meeting.
Summary of what the hell I'm talking about:
- I tutor at a place for inner city kids. - To raise money, they are having a mustache-growing contest. - We meet at a bar each week to check in. - For the upper-lip impaired, a creative, mustache-related project is presented each week. - Adrienne and I cheated slightly and have become "partners in mustache." - Last week, we took pictures of cupcakes with mustaches traveling through the world. - The point of us doing these projects is to inspire people to donate to this tutoring center. Yes, it does make a lot more sense to donate to someone's mustache-growing than two girls playing with cupcakes. But IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN.
SO! Yesterday was our second check-in with a whole new project. This time, they challenged us to make something mustache-related to sell in their store.
OH CRAP! BACK UP!
Forget what I said. Let's start with this backstory:
When the first tutoring center opened in San Fran, they set it up in a storefront. Everything was going well until they found out that in order to be in a store, you had to actually sell things. So they did! They set up the tutoring center in the back, and created a Pirate Supply Store in the front. I imagine there were eye patches, fake parrots, lessons in "Yarr," etc.
Since then, they've set up tutoring chapters all over the US, with different-themed storefronts in each city. Chicago's theme is Spy Supplies. So it's actually called The Boring Store, but when you walk inside, you discover all kinds of spy supplies, like bananas to hide your cell phone in, sunglasses that help you see behind you, that kind of thing. Check it out. Cutest website ever.
Okay, now BACK TO WHERE I LEFT OFF.
Our challenge this week in the mustache-a-thon was to create something mustache-related that they could sell in The Boring Store. Adrienne and I came up with a Mustache Flowchart, to learn what kind of Mustache is right for you.
Voila.
Sadly, we did not win "1st place" and therefore the "prize" for the night, which was a copy of McSweeny's. But we did win the prize that is Winning At Life. The MC of the night, who is also in charge of The Boring Store, came up to us and asked if he could take the poster, because the store actually wanted to sell more posters, and he thought ours was a good idea. So that's all we know right now, but it means that in theory, I could have something I wrote (and Adrienne could have something she designed) for sale in an actual store! With a cash register! And price tags! And a website! Not too shabby!
So now I'm all hyped up on mustache endorsement. Which brings me to my next request: Sponsor us. INCENTIVE: I've decided that it's not enough to just get a warm, fuzzy feeling from donating to tiny children who look like this:
You people need something more. And here is that reason: If you donate $5 to the cause, I will write a blog post about you. And you alone.
Q: How will you know I donated? A: These donations aren't exactly private. As long as you leave your name, I'll know!
Q: Emily, you do not know me. A: Don't I?
Q: No, you don't. A: Oh. Well, it's called Google, my friends. Or I will write a poem about you. Or you can tell me something about yourself in the comments here, and I will base a lengthy, made-up story about you and post that.
Q: What if you already wrote a post about me? A: Well aren't you just the luckiest thing in the world. Tell ya what. I'll write another one. And it'll be better than the first! Eh? How's that for unachievable expectations?
Q: What if we haven't seen each other since high school? A: In that case, PLEASE donate and I will give the world another magical post about my youth, your youth, and the weird, awkward things that happened during that time.
MORE INCENTIVE! Adrienne, as a graphic designer extraordinaire, will also make you your very own logo if you donate $10. Think of it! $10 from you, and you have your own personal logo to sign off your emails! IT'S LIKE MAGIC! INTERNET MAGIC.
RECAP Go here. Scroll down until you see Collabostache (which is now a picture of two cupcakes in front of the Epcot center...of course) and put in however much you want to donate. Donate $5 to this place: Receive your very own dedicated blog post right here. Donate $10 to this place: Receive your very own blog post AND your very own logo.
What have you got to lose?! ...I mean, besides ten bucks.
Today I'd like to explain to you the phenomenon that is my friendship with Adrienne. It's not really a phenomenon, I just thought that sounded catchy. But it is pretty fun. And here is why:
Adrienne and I both have some time on our hands, what with being unemployed/rarely employed/underemployed/whatever the hell it is we do that means we spend most of our lives emailing each other ridiculous links. No subject, no explanation. Just the link.
For example: ___________________________ FROM: Adrienne TO: Emily SUBJECT: (no subject)
Passions We Share: - cat things - cupcakes - really, all baked goods - making fun of my fear of whales (Once, she sent me a postcard from Canada with a picture of a whale on one side and on the other it just said, "WHALE IN UR FACE <3 adrienne") - things that are cute but random and therefore awesome - in that vein, anthropomorphism. - Pretty much every television show on prime time, especially Lost (ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED OR ARE YOU PUMPED?!)
OBLIGATORY LOST PICTURE
Anyway, back to Adrienne. Adrienne and I met in high school, and bonded our Junior year over the premiere of Harry Potter 1 and a shared love for Oliver Wood and the boy in our grade who looked like him *coughWescough*. We spent most of English class sharing snacks and drawing in coloring books. We split in college (though stayed friends) and both moved back north after graduation.
Adrienne is great. She is one of my best friends (and certainly my best Chicago Friend). She's funny, she's fun, she's creative, and she is willing to consort with me when I think someone is out to get me. If you would like to hire her as a photographer/graphic designer, I will hook that up. Also if you are a quirky slightly hipster male who needs someone to watch Ace of Cakes with...I can hook that up, too.
Also she is big into capitalizing phrases when necessary (read: NOT NECESSARY.) She also lives in the city, which makes her doubly awesome because I get to see her all the time. Which means you get to hear about her all the time.
To get a firm grip on who Adrienne is, for my birthday, (without my knowing it) Adrienne sent my resume in to a cupcake store that needed a marketer, complete with a funny, endearing cover letter about why they should hire her friend. The woman responded that it was the most awesome recommendation letter she'd ever read.
For Adrienne's birthday, I got her a bedazzled hotdog necklace.
I went on a quest to figure out what story to do next, and discovered something: the Old Testament is completely insane. Which is something I guess I already knew, but seriously, guys. Seriously.
So I decided to just pull some quality samples for you. Trying something new here; these are stories that do actually follow along with the text (er...ish), because I didn’t even know enough to crappily retell them from memory and had to use Old Soggy.
So here are a few more things that go down in Genesis:
The Tower of Babel: How did we get from Noah’s family to a billion people all over the earth, you ask? Simple answer! Forget Pangea. No science needed, guys. It’s covered. So there’s only a handful of people, they all speak the same mystery language (American English, I’m assuming), and they decide to work together and build a skyscraper. And God’s like, “BAH! Working together? Cooperation?! What is this, Sesame Street? Let’s shake things up around here!” So he takes his tongue of fire and makes everyone speak a different language. Then he picks them up by their scruffs and drops them off in different places around the world. Frankly, if I was the person who got stuck with Siberia, I’d be piiiiiissed.
Abraham: There is nothing NOT frightening about this reenactment picture.
So Abraham was one of the early guys. At first, his name was Abram. But when he was 100 years old (literally,) God shows up, scares the crap out of him, changes his name to Abraham, and makes a whole bunch of promises to him.
Then he tells Abraham to circumcise everyone—the first of about 80 references to circumcision in this particular book. Someone’s got some Freudian issues, and I think his name is God. Finally, God tells Abraham that Abraham's going to bear a son, which cracks Abraham’s sh-t up. He seriously loses his mind laughing. “Oh, God. You’re a stitch! Seriously, have you considered comedy? Because that is honestly a good one.” And God just stands there with his arms crossed and blinks. Finally God’s like, “Ahem. Anyway, name him Isaac. See ya.” And then Abraham goes out and runs around with a scalpel, swishing it back and forth until he’s taken care of every dude in a 10-mile radius.
Later, when Isaac is a little older (and Abraham is rickety beyond comprehension,) God comes back to Abraham and tells him to burn Isaac as a sacrifice to God. Abraham gives a little heel click and goes off to do God’s bidding. He drags Isaac away, telling him they’re going to sacrifice a lamb. Things get a little suspicious when Abraham has a knife, some fire...and zero lamb. Isaac starts getting all shifty-eyed, but Isaac just brushes him off. “Nah, we’re cool. God’s going to give us a lamb when we get there.” Which Isaac is totally okay with. I guess during a time when God just shows up willy-nilly, I might believe that, too. So I’mma give Isaac that one. So Abraham’s setting everything up, he’s got Isaac tied and his knife quivering in the air when an angel finally shows up (I guess this time God was too busy to make a guest appearance?) and tells him “JK LOL! You don’t have to kill your son. It was a test!” At this point I’d find it hard to not at least grumble “ass” under my breath, but Abraham takes it all in stride, and they go back home.
Sodom and Gomorrah:
So Sodom was the town that was completely sinful. Or gay. I'm not totally sure. (Kinda skimmed it.) Either way, it's doomed. They give a little example of how outrageous this town is. So this nice guy named Lot lived there with his family. One night, two angels come to hang out with Lot, play a little poker maybe, have a few beers. You know, typical angel stuff. But every guy--ALL of them--in the town saw the two angels go into Lots house, and banged on the door, saying, “Hey, you just let two hot men into your house! Bring them out so that we can do them!” (Yeah. I said “do” like that.) Lot gives them a perfectly viable second option: “Please don’t sleep with these angels! Hey, you know what? I’ve got a couple virgin daughters! Take them instead!” And the Dad of The Year award goes to… Luckily, the men were all, “Girls, BLECH!!” So Lot runs back inside and the angels strike all the men blind, and I quote, “so that they were unable to find the door.” I’m sorry. You are suddenly BLIND. Are you seriously like, oh I can’t see. No matter! Sleeping with a stranger THIS SECOND is more important than my SIGHT. Now where is that damn door? *grope, grope*
So I guess Sodom (and then this other neighboring town, Gomorrah) were all covered in sin and yet another hopeless cause. Too bad God had already promised no more floods, so he takes the next route and goes with fire (earth and wind come later). First, though, he tells Lot to take his family and run away and not look back OR ELSE, FOR REALS. Lot’s wife, who doesn't understand the phrase FOR REALS, turns back. BAM. God turns her into a pillar of salt. She may have been stupid, yes, but at least now she's delicious. And useful in preserving sacrificed lamb meat.
Jacob and Esau: When Isaac (poor, unsacrificed Isaac) grows up, he has twin boys: Jacob and Esau. Isaac is a fan of Esau, because Esau is a great huntsman and Isaac really likes meat. Seriously, that’s why.
So Isaac is old and blind and he tells Esau to go out and get him some meat, and then Isaac will bless him. Jacob finds out about this and goes and does it even faster. Even though he is the lesser huntsman. Whatever. So his plan is to just pretend to be Esau, but since he’s a hairless wonder and Esau is a beast, he needs to make sure he is nice and hairy like his brother. So he covers his hands and the back of his neck with the bloody skins of the goats he just killed. (Hello, Tyra? Yeah, I have an idea for Cycle 13.) Newly Hairy Jacob goes in to see his father, who actually buys the goat fur. Seriously, how hairy is Esau? Is he the original Wolf Man? No matter. So he believes it and blesses Jacob and tells him he’ll be successful and everyone will bow down to him. Jacob gives the thumbs up and leaves. Then Esau comes in with his perfectly trimmed goat and naturally fuzzy skin and they all discover the shenanigans that have just gone down. Esau demands to be blessed too, but Jacob says, “TOO BAD! One blessing per son! I can’t just say words TWICE, boy! I’m no magician. Now you’re doomed. Enjoy!” Esau’s pissed, Jacob flees, Isaac dies.
...or did I just BLOW YOUR MIND?
So those are the big parts of Genesis. Joseph’s in there, too, but it’ll have to wait for another day. I also skipped a story where one of Jacob’s daughters is raped, so her brothers make every man in the town get circumcised and then kill them in the night. It’s up there with Monte Cristo on the revenge scale. Awesome.
The day I turned 25 (which was like ten days ago), people asked me if I felt different. And I told them no, because I've acted like a late-twenty-something for a while ("But why do they have to play their music SO LOUD? Can't a girl chew her antacids in peace??"). Plus I've been calling myself 25 for months, partially because it's a nice, stable-sounding number, and partially because I'm too lazy to remember how old I technically am.
But within ten days, all that has changed. Now I feel like an old, oooooooold person. I feel...thirty.
Two days ago, this conversation transpired: Jane: "My boyfriend's mother keeps hinting at babies. Blech!" Monica: "My dad is the same way! All he talks about is grandchildren! I'm like, NO, Dad! Not for a looooong time, IF AT ALL!" Me: "Thank GOD my sister had a baby, so no one bugs me about it! Phew!" Carla: "I'm pregnant." *Screaming*
So Mozel Tov to Carla and her husband! I believe they are 1-part excited, 3-parts terrified, and that sounds about right to me. But the conversations that have transpired since The Announcement have revealed so much change in such a short period of time. Someone call Daniel Faraday, because I'm going to start getting nosebleeds.
This is the ever classic "Faraday Concerned Face." My niece, Libby, is great at it, too:
And this is basically the face I've been walking around with since Wednesday.
In a nutshell, I've realized that nearly everyone is moving out of the city/state. And Joe and I are planning on living together in the spring. So, by this time next year, given that things go well, I'll have a whole new group of friends, a new job, and I'll be living with someone who has to shave their face.
I suppose I'm mostly excited, because I'm really rooting for some quality new friends and job and apartment. But thinking about losing the people who have gotten me out of the Hell that is post-college...well, it makes me want to curl up in the fetal position under a fuzzy blue blanket and blog, specifically. And non-specifically, it makes me feel lost. In the same way I felt when they stopped making my favorite kind of cracker so I walked around aimlessly for months, eating sweet pickles from the jar.
MAN those crackers were good. I don't know who made them, but they came in a blue box and they were covered in magical southwest flavored red powder and they were thin and shaped in Navajo blanket patterns. Anyone? ANYONE?!
Where was I? Oh, sadness. Meh, I think I've said what I need to about current sadness. My new focus is the crackers. You all need to help me find those crackers. STAT.
