Friend Week: The Entertaining Erin

Last day of Friend Week, and I've got facial tics about it!

This whole ordeal was supposed to be much simpler than it turned out to be. Because now I am realizing that I haven't told you about many of my other friends (for example, the ones that I actually see on a regular basis.) So I'm just going to have to do mini friend bios when they come up. You already know that Maggie can get into some fisticuffs. And you know that Carla is preggo and thought I was Jewish for an entire year. And if you want to know more about all the lovely people I surround myself with, well, I suppose you'll just have to keep reading about my shenanigans.

Because now it's time to put on a Russian Spy coat, hold my hand, and get funky. IT'S ERIN DAY!!


Here is Erin in my old apartment, cooking breakfast in an Erin kind of way: red suede heels, vintage coat, wine glass. That's Erin for you: an anomaly that can't really be explained in only a few paragraphs. But I'll try.

Erin and I met through Laura our freshman year of college. We didn't really become besties, though, until Senior year, when we became gym buddies. We kicked some serious gym ass, I'm telling you. Or rather, Erin seriously kicked my gym ass. She is great at tricking you into doing five more crunches. Damn you, Erin. And God bless you.

Erin (and Laura) also introduced me to the world of red wine. It was a scary road to travel at first, but somehow I came through it. It was an easening, filled also with brie and manchego and girl talk that somehow became much more personal, 2 bottles in.

Erin has style, and so much so that I will never be able to keep up with her. Classy brands I've never heard of roll off her tongue like butter. Erin is the girl who, on her visit this summer, brought 4 dresses for two nights of celebration. And one of those nights she wore a bridesmaid dress. But, you know. Options. But the great part about Erin is that she isn't some exclusive, snobby, heiress-type. She has more important things to do: like be an intelligent, professional woman who will cook you enchiladas, call someone a douchebag, and then dance the night away in 4-inch heels.

I'm not sure that there is any way to truly describe Erin. So instead, I will give you my list of Erin Quotes from the past year, which I keep lovingly in my phone:

(After a gust of wind nearly blew a vendor cart onto us) "That was like, falafel in yo' face!!"

"Weddings are meant to be hookups." (Said to a future bride and groom)

"I have a lot of clothes. It's an issue. But all I want are babies and a career." (Erin does not remember saying this, and insists that those are not ACTUALLY the two things she wants. We'll see.)

"So my uncle couldn't find a good burger and he was like, 'Fuck it,' and bought an organic farm."

(Pouring beer) "Carmen! Tip your glass like a lady."

"I always think balls are like the scales of justice. 'Yes or no? Let's ask your balls.'" (I don't even know about this one.)


I doubt that cleared the air at all. But suffice it to say, Erin makes me laugh. And she makes me feel classier and smarter and more confident, just by being near her. She always has fun ideas up her sleeve, and she is one heck of a hostess.

It is very sad that she lives in New York City and therefore far from me. But we have new plans to move to San Fransisco some day. And perhaps then we will again drink wine, eat cheese, and make ball jokes until the wee hours of the morning.

Friend Week: The Rambunctious Roommates

Day four of Friend Week is a DOUBLE WHAMMY!!

"But, Emily," you might say. "Isn't that cheating?"

Yes. Yes it is. But the more I thought about these two girls, the more I realized how much they have in common, in relation to my life.

Today I introduce you to Sara and Monica!

Things that make Sara and Monica the same:
- They are my two roommates since college (Sara the former, Monica the current)
- They are both "high school friends."
- They both went to the same college and came out as snooty arteests.
- They are both social butterflies.
- They are both badasses who lift heavy things and screw them into walls.
- Um...what else? They both like tall, hairy men? Okay, out of ideas.

LET'S START WITH SARA!!


Sara is, what you call, a Theater Nerd. This picture is the first image that comes up when you google her name, which I did out of curiosity. Joe and I are going to see her play on Saturday. I am terrified. I mean, look at that picture! LOOK AT IT!!!

Sara and I had gone to the same school since kindergarten, but didn't become friends until her family started going to the same church as ours around 6th grade. Then we were BFF^maxpowerextreme. We were in every junior high play together (we even played the same part in a double-casted Annie. Extraneous orphans wut wuuuuut) and in Algebra Trig, we wrote musical parodies about how much we hate--what else--Alegbra Trig. Good times/worst class ever.

Sara and I parted for college (are we getting a theme here with my besties? I tend to hold on to them for a while.) Sara became a Theater Jack-of-all-trades. She acted her pants off--literally once, ooer--and became a badass drill-wielder backstage.

Soon after college, she called me just to catch up, and we realized we were moving into the city at the same time and both needed a roommate. And voila! Since Sara was still in PA, it was my job to find us a nice, cheap apartment. Which I did. It was lovely. It was huge, it had TWO bathrooms (count em, two), new appliances and a washer/dryer IN UNIT. Aaaaaaaaaaand it may or may not have been directly under the el. YIKES. But it was cheap, and they guaranteed me you wouldn't notice it after a while. And it's true. After a while, I didn't hear my wine glasses clattering every five minutes. But I DID have to sleep with earplugs. So after our lease was up, Sara and I hiked out of there and found new places; hers close to the theaters she works at, and mine near some of my newly-acquired friends. And that is when I moved in with Monica.

MONICA BACKSTORY TIME!


Monica and I met in Biology, Freshman year of high school. I believe the first thing she said to me was, "Your name is Emily? HER name is Emily! *points to another Emily*" And I'm pretty sure we were best friends ever since. It doesn't take much.

Monica and I bonded over boys. There's no way around that statement. Monica knows every crush/semi-crush/obsession that I had in high school *coughWescough*. And, likewise, I knew hers. We passed notes to each other every day, giggling about how That Boy looked at me and This Boy said this, and plotting our next plan of attack. We visited them where they worked. "Oh, you work here? That's so weird! We were just thinking how much we were craving...prescription drugs...SO what are you doing this weekend??"

It was a bond that could not be broken. Except by college. (DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING, DID YOU?!) No, no, college didn't break us. In fact, we stayed pretty close throughout it. And when she told me she was moving into the city, it was perfect timing, for I was looking for someone to live with me in Wicker Park!

Monica is in grad school, learning how to be a Museum Goddess: planning exhibits, installing things, commanding others to plan and install...you know. Things Museum Goddesses do. She works at the Museum of Contemporary Art. That's where that picture up there comes from. She has managed to convince me that not all modern and contemporary art is bullshit, and that a wall covered in moss is actually possibly the coolest thing ever. And that it IS art.

Sara and Monica are both amazing people, and seriously badass. And everyone else knows it, too. That's why they are always busy, always with something to do or somewhere to be or someone to meet up with. Which I am always visibly jealous of. They are also every boy's dream: Sara, who is gorgeous beyond all AND plays bloody video games in her spare time, And Monica, who turns heads on the street but will join your midnight game of dodgeball at a moment's notice.

They are fun, they are spunky, and they are genuinely great people who care. ALSO they will kill my spiders for me. And you've always gotta have one of those around.

Friend Week: The Marvelous Michelle

Friend Week, Day Three. Who shall it be? WHOOOOO?

Today I introduce you to my childhood best friend, Michelle. I don’t have many stories to tell you about current Michelle because she lives far away (sad!) and even though we email and talk often (happy!) I can't say our current, mature-ish relationship is quite as interesting as our childhood one.



Michelle and I met when she moved in across the street from me, the summer before the 2nd grade. So yes, we were seven. At the time, I had spiked hair and a tail (HAR!!) and was most likely rocking my sweet t-shirt with the surfboarding T-Rex on it.

*a moment of silence for that t-shirt.*


So, naturally, Michelle thought I was a boy. And I was too shy to open my mouth, so I'm sure she went on believing that for some time. Eventually we got it all sorted out, though, and our friendship bloomed.

The one thing that baffled everyone about our friendship was our secret language. Even WE don't know how it came to be (although we know her dog was involved?... *shrug*). But when you have snoopy parents and siblings around and need a way to talk about American Girl Dolls without them all up in your BIZNASS, you've gotta come up with a secret language. You just do. And ours was the Srados language. The secret is out, but not really. Because I guarantee you it will make no sense to you. Let me see if I can explain. Shorthand Srados dictionary:

Michelle: Sra
Emily: Rah
How are you: Howsarsyou
I don't know: Ahs duns snuh

Etc etc etc. It was secretive, and if you didn't know it, you couldn't play our card game, sorry kid.

A List Of Fads Michelle And I Lived Through
- Trolls
- Marvin the Martian
- Smiley Faces
- "Awesome" blue (which would be the color of the fort we never made)
- Pogs
- Titanic

Michelle and I were (and are-who am I kidding?) quoting machines. If you would ever like a line-by-line retelling of not only Titanic but also Ever After, Friends, Armageddon, or What About Bob?, please feel free to ask.

To recount to you every memory I have with Michelle would be an insanely enormous blog. It would just be an autobiography, because basically every memory I have involves her. Michelle was the one to pass along secret notes to my first-but-not-really-at-all boyfriend. She was there when I called my second-but-still-doesn't-actually-count boyfriend to go on my first date. She was there when I had the glasses and the braces and the hair and she loved me through all those times. She's the one that I laughed with until it hurt (along with her mom, who has THE most contagious laughter ever) and the one that made me feel normal when I definitely wasn't. She taught me that possums are terrifying, laundry is seriously not that hard, to hold my head high, and to have another brownie already.

Without this turning into one big gush fest, I do need to add that current Michelle (aka Sra) is still one of my best friends, and a great person to boot. And she may also be clinically insane.

But so am I. That's why we work.

Friend Week: The Amazing Adrienne

Second day of Friend Week, y'all! Get excited!

Today I'd like to explain to you the phenomenon that is my friendship with Adrienne. It's not really a phenomenon, I just thought that sounded catchy. But it is pretty fun. And here is why:

Adrienne and I both have some time on our hands, what with being unemployed/rarely employed/underemployed/whatever the hell it is we do that means we spend most of our lives emailing each other ridiculous links. No subject, no explanation. Just the link.

For example:
___________________________
FROM: Adrienne
TO: Emily
SUBJECT: (no subject)

YES.
___________________________


Passions We Share:
- cat things
- cupcakes
- really, all baked goods
- making fun of my fear of whales (Once, she sent me a postcard from Canada with a picture of a whale on one side and on the other it just said, "WHALE IN UR FACE <3 adrienne")
- things that are cute but random and therefore awesome
- in that vein, anthropomorphism.
- Pretty much every television show on prime time, especially Lost (ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED OR ARE YOU PUMPED?!)

OBLIGATORY LOST PICTURE



Anyway, back to Adrienne. Adrienne and I met in high school, and bonded our Junior year over the premiere of Harry Potter 1 and a shared love for Oliver Wood and the boy in our grade who looked like him *coughWescough*. We spent most of English class sharing snacks and drawing in coloring books. We split in college (though stayed friends) and both moved back north after graduation.

Adrienne is great. She is one of my best friends (and certainly my best Chicago Friend). She's funny, she's fun, she's creative, and she is willing to consort with me when I think someone is out to get me. If you would like to hire her as a photographer/graphic designer, I will hook that up. Also if you are a quirky slightly hipster male who needs someone to watch Ace of Cakes with...I can hook that up, too.

Also she is big into capitalizing phrases when necessary (read: NOT NECESSARY.) She also lives in the city, which makes her doubly awesome because I get to see her all the time. Which means you get to hear about her all the time.

To get a firm grip on who Adrienne is, for my birthday, (without my knowing it) Adrienne sent my resume in to a cupcake store that needed a marketer, complete with a funny, endearing cover letter about why they should hire her friend. The woman responded that it was the most awesome recommendation letter she'd ever read.

For Adrienne's birthday, I got her a bedazzled hotdog necklace.

FIN.

Friend Week: The Lovely Laura

This weekend I started working on tagging my posts, so that you guys can read every post that mentions whales at your leisure. Which obviously you want to do.

While doing this, I started putting in tags for the friends I've mentioned, and realized you've had no explanation of who these people are or why you should care. So I'm introducing Friend Week! First on the roster is best friend Laura.


(rough sketch)

Laura and I met Freshman year of college, due to one of many series of events that have led to us being the same person. Laura and I were both idiots when it came to choosing our dorms, and ended up in the furthest, ruddiest, lamest, hottest dorms at the University. We bonded over our mutual loud sarcasm in dealing with this hardship. We also bonded over singing while filling our cafeteria trays, an unexplained phenomenon.

Other things that Laura and I have in common:
- We began college with long-distance, long-term boyfriends who were our soulmates to the extreme.
- We ended college like two Flirty McFlirts who knew their way around Flirtville.
- When I introduced her to spaghetti & ranch, Laura took it to an entire level I never knew existed.
- We tend to make noises at the sight of animals. Cats get a high-pitched, "MEER!!" and dogs get a similar, "REER!" It is a force within us which cannot be contained.
- Youtube videos of kittens are our downfall.
- Throughout our histories, we tend to choose celebrity crushes on those who are usually labeled, "the funny one," or "the weird one."
- We both judge others based on how well they receive our jokes. No laughter: Lame. Appropriate laughter: Let's be besties. Too much laughter: What's wrong with you? I just asked you for copy paper.
- Our goal in life is to make an entire group of people laugh.
- We are the only two people in the world who "get" John Krasinski. It's science.

Okay, seriously, that list could go on forever. This will be easier:

Things that make Laura and I different:
- Laura is a pickier eater than I am, but likes sushi.
- Laura has class.
- Laura is an only child (though almost all of my BFFs through history are only children. This is probably because they demand attention and the one thing middle children excel at is letting others have the spotlight.)
- Laura can put on her professional hat. I can accidentally make fun of people interviewing me, resulting in not getting that job.
- Sometimes Laura gets more angry than I do. But then I trip up the stairs and it evens out.


I am very sad to announce that Laura now lives far away from me. But it does mean that we have some pretty great random texts. A sampling:


Emily: New plan: you and I practice a two part karaoke song. We go alone to a karaoke bar, blow them away and walk out without a word. "who the hell was THAT?!"

Laura: I just said y'all for the first time.
Emily: Gasp!! Baby's first y'all!

Laura: Okay, I'm awesome. Stanley Tucci does the AT&T commercials.
Emily: I tell strangers about my friend with the creepy ability to pick out voices from commercials.
Laura: And they say "Such a person cannot exist!" and you say "oh but she DOES"

Emily: I've made my decision: choosing one male actor from old times that I would want to be with. Dick Van Dyke
Laura: What???? No. ....Danny Kaye.

Laura: You know how Pikachu gave kids seizures and stuff? That's what Cameron Diaz does to me. I'm twitching.

Emily: Just passed a woman whose shirt said I hate haters, and in the middle it said "no hating" with a line through it. Hollerrrr

Laura: There is a woman sitting next to who I assume is her husband. And she is reading a book called: Building an affair-proof marriage."

Emily: Goal for the new year: to be one step closer to us being the Golden Girls.
Laura: Yessssssss! I'm Dorothy. You are Rose. Go.

Laura has great potential as a co- or guest-blogger. But I have two trepidations about this:
1. That this blog starts looking like the poor mans 2birds1blog. Which I am in love with, but would like to be different from.
2. That Laura will be infinitely funnier and wiser than me and you won't want me to post anymore.
I think I will have to take these chances and ask her to give you all a piece of her mind. Because, oh, could she.