When Spiders Attack

Before we begin, may I remind you to become a fan on Facebook if you so choose, so you can get updates on my updates.

I need to ask you guys something, to find out if I am normal or not. [Insert *Oh, Emily, you’re NEVER normal! HAR!* joke here]

I understand that I am mainly alone in my irrational fear of whales.
And I understand that, while some also believed it was “making ends meat,” in the end, I was wrong.

But tell me I’m not alone on this one: Spiders while you are naked are 500 times scarier than spiders at any other time.

I alluded to this fear during a 'My Monday' comic. Yes, it’s all hilarious when I am a stick-figure. But seriously that morning I almost gave myself a heart attack. CORRECTION: That spider sneaking up on me all quiet-like and drinking my shower water almost gave me a heart attack.

I guess it’s just the whole vulnerability factor? I don’t know, I can’t quite place it. But...okay. Let me take you back in time.

In college, while I was still with Teenage Boyfriend, I decided to take a break from our Family Guy-and-campus-food marathon to shower. I’m in there, minding my own biz, when I look up and lo and behold, a spider on the ceiling. Whimpering but with shampoo in my hair and no feasible means of escape, I watch the spider, unblinking and trembling. And that’s when it happens.

The spider moves.

Not only does it move, but it moves TOWARD ME. And of course the ceiling is all moist from condensation, so the spider is walking on shaky ground. It lifts one leg and seems to dangle there for a moment. So I did what any God-and-spider-fearing person would do: I splashed water toward it. I was hoping this would send the message to the spider of, “Hey now. Back off. There is more where this came from and I am not afraid to drown you.”

APPARENTLY the message sent was, “Hey, friend! Wanna play tag? YOU'RE IT!” The spider crawled closer. And closer.

And at this point, I’m not afraid to admit it. I screamed. Yes, screamed. Because a spider had taken maybe 3 steps closer to me.

Teenage Boyfriend called through the door, “Are you okay?”

Through my tears I managed to call out, “Sss...sp...spider...”

“Are you serious?”

I turned off the shower, wrapped a towel around myself and opened the door, looking not-unlike this (minus the hook and mustache)


TB grabbed a wad of toilet paper, reached up, and got the bugger. My hero. I returned to my shower, shaking mildly from the memories.


A second story. This time, I am living on the 1st floor in Chicago. Sadly, this is before I had spider-killing foster Super Kitty. I am alone. I am alone, and on the toilet. When I stand up, what do I see on the tank behind me?

AN ENORMOUS SPIDER.

But not even a regularly enormous spider, but a spider with legs the length of a small crane. It is like the queen bee of Daddy Long Legs.

Which means:
1) That spider was like ONE inch away from me while I was half-naked and it probably saw all my bits and is making a mental note to tell all its friends about it.
2) It could have reached out and touched me *shudder, shudder*
3) Now I have an uncrushable spider, because its legs are so long, they will crunch. CRUNCH, PEOPLE. I DO NOT KILL THINGS THAT CRUNCH.

But I can’t just let this spider hang out. Something that was that close to me SHALL NOT be allowed to come near me again. And I also can’t kill it. And I can’t ask my boyfriend to squish it because at this point I was dating The Irishman and he was all living in Ireland and such. And I couldn’t make Sara do it because she was away being an actress.

So it is Emily v. Spider. What can I do? OH! I know. I can put it in some kind of receptacle and take it outside. Genius.

I run to the kitchen and grab some expendable Tupperware (because God knows I’m throwing that bowl away once this spider has touched it) and I slam it over the spider, who has now moved onto the wall. Except...crap. I forgot to get a cover for the Tupperware.

So now I am standing like this


And I have no escape. I can’t move the Tupperware, because now the spider is hip to my scheme (mraaah, see) and will quickly run and hide while I go find a top. Luckily, and mysteriously, I actually had some packing tape nearby. I don’t know what it was doing in my bathroom. I assume I was making funny faces in the mirror with it. But it was there nonetheless. So I do what any normal person would do: I tape the Tupperware to the wall and text Sara to get home because it’s an EMERGENCY.

Sara comes storming in like a bat out of hell, rushing through the apartment yelling "WHERE?! WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU NEED?!"

I whimpered in a tiny-yet-terrified voice from the bathroom, "In here!"

Sara runs over, sees the situation, rolls her eyes in a World Award-Winning eye roll, and disposes of the spider properly for me. My hero.

So this is where I stand in the World of Spiders:
-If I am clothed, the spider is terrifying.
-If I am naked, the spider will potentially kill me and my unborn children.
-If the SPIDER is clothed, it is...hilarious?

Thoughts?

10 Reasons You Never Considered Why Cats Are Awesome

With the looming promise of getting my very own cat (I'm waiting until I feel financially stable again. Kitty's gotta get fed, son.) I've been thinking about what attracts me to those frisky felines.

Now, as I stated here when discussing the idea of going to Greece in order to experience CATS EVERYWHERE, I'm pro-fuzzy things. I like cats AND dogs. And chimps and chipmunks. Not so much horses, because they are mildly terrifying...but that's another story for another day.

What I'm saying is, I am not trying to convince anyone that cats are BETTER than dogs. I'm just saying, y'all have to learn to appreciate.

We've all heard the they're cleaner and easier to take care of mumbo jumbo. You know that. You can see that by looking at them. But if you've never taken the time to really get to know a cat, you wouldn't see those little things. And those, my friends make all the difference.

1) Their Meows sound like questions. Questions you can answer.
"Meow?" "I don't know. What do YOU think Mel Gibson will say next?"
"Meow?" "We might. Check the refrigerator."
"Meow?" "HOW DARE YOU, SIR. You know I'm sensitive about that."

2) There is nothing funny about a person sitting in the middle of an empty room. There is EVERYTHING funny about a cat sitting in the middle of an empty room.



3) They are cuddle-factories.
I think some people are anti-cat because they've really only experienced the kind of cat that just sits in a corner and hisses. Those cats are lame. But I can tell you right now, Monica's cat, Charlie is renowned for breaking down those stereotypes. He is like Martin Luther Kitty. And when you find yourself in the middle of a snugglefest with the likes of him, you might find it a lot harder to fight against their power.



4) Pest Control.
A few years ago, Sara and I fostered two cats for a summer. We had a good amount of bugs just from living on the first floor. One day, there was a TERRIFYING spider in my bathroom. The foster cat took one look at it and *WHOMP!* One paw came down on that son of a b.

Conversely, my family's dog, Sugar, once befriended an entire army of ants.

5) You know the phrase, "You always want what you can't have"? Well, cats know it, too.
They know how to keep you wanting more by being aloof. And that's a good thing. I mean, have you ever thought that someone was really attractive and mysterious, and then when you actually talked to them, you found out that they weren't actually a cultured Italian man, but another stupid Chicagoan with a nasally accent and all that time you spend oggling him at the train station was totally wasted?

No? Just me then?

Okay well you know what I mean. Sometimes a little mystery and distance is a good thing. Sometimes your cat doesn't want to hang out with you. And you know what? Sometimes your best friend doesn't want to hang out with you, either. But at least your cat has the decency to be honest and hang out in the dining room.

6) The adorable noise they make when they drink their water.

lick lick...
lick lick lick lick....
lick lick lick lick lick lick lick.....

[Editor's note: #7 and 8 comes from Laura]
7) I will never accidentally send an email again.
As many of us know, cats enjoy computers. They especially enjoy computers/laptops when you are using them. I have come very close to sending some very weird emails to people with 900 Ws and 70 backslashes. So I started waiting to put the recipients name in until after I've typed and edited the email. I also do this at work even though I'm pretty sure my cat has never been there. Either way, I consider it a good thing. My cat was just protecting me from embarrassing myself.

8) They remind you to pick up after yourself.
I'll admit it. I don't enjoy cleaning. And I also have ADD. So often when I do clean or try to organize something I get about halfway through and then wander over to something else. Recent example: I recently realized that I'm an adult. And being an adult means you have important documents. So one afternoon I sat down to organize all those documents. When I was done, I straightened them into a nice pile, and left the pile in the middle of the living room floor because I decided that was the exact moment I needed to go take a nap. (Organizing is hard.) When I returned to the living room I was faced with the following scene. So now I know not to leave anything in the middle of the floor unless I want it messed with. She was just being helpful.




9) Being licked by their tongues is like receiving a free sand exfoliating mask.

Seriously, my arm hair has never been smoother.

10) They keep you on your toes by stalking you wherever you go.
And when you look back, they freeze as if by staying still you won't notice them. Like perhaps we have the brain and eye capacity of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And it's never not hilarious to watch.



SECRET REASON #11! is this.


Special thanks to Laura, Adrienne, and Hannah for their contributions to the list.
Comments welcome! Any other reasons why cats shall not be overlooked?

Man Thighs: And Don't Mind If I Do.

Reading over my posts last week, I realized they were all very negatively charged. I'd like to say it's because it was the last week of Lent and I was going through some kind of withdrawal, but the only thing I'd given up was cooking my own meals and doing crunches at the gym.

I don't want you all to think I am some kind of constantly negative, angry person. I'm really quite optimistic. So today I'd like to tell you about my single greatest love in the whole world:

Man thighs.



Can you feel the love? Can you feel it emanating from my heart, into my keyboard, through the series of tubes, and straight to your soul?

I was introduced to the power of man thighs through Sara. We were watching Arrested Development together and she pointed out that the hilarity of Gob dangling from a crane in a banana suit rests in the fact that his man thighs are so funny to look at.

For some reason, Adrienne has been trying to explain why man thighs are so great to some friends, and has asked me to help. The problem is, describing why man thighs are amazing is kind of like describing why chocolate is amazing. "Um...because it's amazing?" But since some people don't really understand the majesty, let me try to break it down for you.


Reasons Why Man Thighs Are Hilarious

1. The simple fact that they are rarely seen.

They're such an anomaly! I mean, come on. When was the last time you saw some full man thigh action? Any time you have, I'm sure it was 90-100% hilarious. That's just a fact. I mean, we're not going to get into specifics around here about how exactly you came to be face-to-face with man thighs, but I'm going to assume that, whatever the situation, and whether real or through some sort of tv or computer screen, it was an awkward/amazing encounter. Purely because it's something you aren't used to seeing. There was probably some gawking, maybe a little giggling.

I'm not sure how people felt about man thighs in the 70s when men were walking around with short shorts all the time. Maybe then it was normal and fine. But Joe and I just watched the Muppet Movie, and this miraculous thing happened:



That is Steve Martin in his heyday, looking fantastic, and sporting some very nice-looking man thighs. And since I was not used to seeing 70s Steve Martin or his man thighs, I found myself in a fit of giggles about them.

Side note, because you know how much I love the Muppets, especially 70's Gonzo-- Look at how adorable Gonzo used to be in his little vest and belt.



Okay back to man thigh love.

2. Lack of exposure to sun, or: Milkiness.



This one is directly correlated to #1. Since man thighs stay so sadly hidden beneath layers of clothes, they don't get much sunlight. Hence, man thighs stay a natural, lighter tone. For the white man (for whom man thighs are the most hilarious due to creaminess [it's science]) this puts their man thighs at a nice ivory. Eggshell. Mother of pearl.

3. They're so sturdy.



Even though the word "sturdy" makes me uncomfortable, I can't help but use it to describe man thighs. Women have this lovely gift from God called "cellulite." But men's muscles are designed a different way. I don't really know how it works. Alls I know is: man thighs are biologically more solid. Thick. They were built for round-housing mastodons. AND BOY, COULD THEY. It is my opinion that the more tree trunk-like your man thighs, the better.

4. The hairiness factor.

Nothing is more disappointing than a man with either no hair on his man thighs, or super hairy man thighs. Because the best way to go, truly, is the splotchy-hairy. Really, is anything funnier than splotchy-hairiness?

Quick answer: no.



I hope that clears things up for you nay-sayers. Does anyone have any other thoughts? Any better reason why man thighs are so majestic?

Friend Week: The Rambunctious Roommates

Day four of Friend Week is a DOUBLE WHAMMY!!

"But, Emily," you might say. "Isn't that cheating?"

Yes. Yes it is. But the more I thought about these two girls, the more I realized how much they have in common, in relation to my life.

Today I introduce you to Sara and Monica!

Things that make Sara and Monica the same:
- They are my two roommates since college (Sara the former, Monica the current)
- They are both "high school friends."
- They both went to the same college and came out as snooty arteests.
- They are both social butterflies.
- They are both badasses who lift heavy things and screw them into walls.
- Um...what else? They both like tall, hairy men? Okay, out of ideas.

LET'S START WITH SARA!!


Sara is, what you call, a Theater Nerd. This picture is the first image that comes up when you google her name, which I did out of curiosity. Joe and I are going to see her play on Saturday. I am terrified. I mean, look at that picture! LOOK AT IT!!!

Sara and I had gone to the same school since kindergarten, but didn't become friends until her family started going to the same church as ours around 6th grade. Then we were BFF^maxpowerextreme. We were in every junior high play together (we even played the same part in a double-casted Annie. Extraneous orphans wut wuuuuut) and in Algebra Trig, we wrote musical parodies about how much we hate--what else--Alegbra Trig. Good times/worst class ever.

Sara and I parted for college (are we getting a theme here with my besties? I tend to hold on to them for a while.) Sara became a Theater Jack-of-all-trades. She acted her pants off--literally once, ooer--and became a badass drill-wielder backstage.

Soon after college, she called me just to catch up, and we realized we were moving into the city at the same time and both needed a roommate. And voila! Since Sara was still in PA, it was my job to find us a nice, cheap apartment. Which I did. It was lovely. It was huge, it had TWO bathrooms (count em, two), new appliances and a washer/dryer IN UNIT. Aaaaaaaaaaand it may or may not have been directly under the el. YIKES. But it was cheap, and they guaranteed me you wouldn't notice it after a while. And it's true. After a while, I didn't hear my wine glasses clattering every five minutes. But I DID have to sleep with earplugs. So after our lease was up, Sara and I hiked out of there and found new places; hers close to the theaters she works at, and mine near some of my newly-acquired friends. And that is when I moved in with Monica.

MONICA BACKSTORY TIME!


Monica and I met in Biology, Freshman year of high school. I believe the first thing she said to me was, "Your name is Emily? HER name is Emily! *points to another Emily*" And I'm pretty sure we were best friends ever since. It doesn't take much.

Monica and I bonded over boys. There's no way around that statement. Monica knows every crush/semi-crush/obsession that I had in high school *coughWescough*. And, likewise, I knew hers. We passed notes to each other every day, giggling about how That Boy looked at me and This Boy said this, and plotting our next plan of attack. We visited them where they worked. "Oh, you work here? That's so weird! We were just thinking how much we were craving...prescription drugs...SO what are you doing this weekend??"

It was a bond that could not be broken. Except by college. (DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING, DID YOU?!) No, no, college didn't break us. In fact, we stayed pretty close throughout it. And when she told me she was moving into the city, it was perfect timing, for I was looking for someone to live with me in Wicker Park!

Monica is in grad school, learning how to be a Museum Goddess: planning exhibits, installing things, commanding others to plan and install...you know. Things Museum Goddesses do. She works at the Museum of Contemporary Art. That's where that picture up there comes from. She has managed to convince me that not all modern and contemporary art is bullshit, and that a wall covered in moss is actually possibly the coolest thing ever. And that it IS art.

Sara and Monica are both amazing people, and seriously badass. And everyone else knows it, too. That's why they are always busy, always with something to do or somewhere to be or someone to meet up with. Which I am always visibly jealous of. They are also every boy's dream: Sara, who is gorgeous beyond all AND plays bloody video games in her spare time, And Monica, who turns heads on the street but will join your midnight game of dodgeball at a moment's notice.

They are fun, they are spunky, and they are genuinely great people who care. ALSO they will kill my spiders for me. And you've always gotta have one of those around.