Women In Politics

I have something semi-serious to talk about. Sorry, I assume you came here thinking I'd be talking about Aunt Meryl at the Oscars, but I have an issue I'd like to bring up which I've been thinking about since Saturday. But Meryl would be proud of my seriousness. If it helps, imagine I'm in a sparkling gold dress and wearing turtle shell frames while we discuss.



AHEM.

Ladies and their periods--AM I RIGHT?

Just kidding. So I want to talk about women in politics. In a VERY general way, because if there are two things I know nothing about, it is politics and the people who care about them.

Joe and I just watched Ides of March. The one with the Clooney/Gosling half face. You know. So the premise of the movie--no spoilers--is that Clooney is a politician trying to become president, there is backstabbing and secrets, and things get real.

When the movie was over, I turned to Joe and made this observation:

All these characters are men. And they all lie and hurt each other and say all these really abrasively rude things to each other. They sneak around and do whatever it takes to win. But because they're men, it'll all just blow over eventually. They may hate each other inside but in general it's all, "OH WELL! C'est la vie! What are you gunna do? It is what it is. Six of one. Sleeping dogs. Don't count your chickens. ETC." And they'd all probably work with each other again. It's like there's no such thing as a burned bridge.

But I don't believe that's how women would work. After all the bad things happened, women would be mortal enemies, sworn to hate each other until the day they die. They couldn't work with each other! They'd barely be able to be in the same room as one another. MAYBE they'd be able to grin and bear it, but it would NEVER be water under the bridge. They would carry those transgressions with them to the GRAVE.

Hell, I myself got into a fight with one of my best friends about whether or not she was being passive aggressive, and it completely tore us apart.

I'm not saying that either way is right. I'm just making an observation about how the two genders deal with conflict. And with the way that politics works, with its inherent back stabbing, degrading speak, and coercion, maybe the reason there are so few women in politics is because they just don't play that way.

What do you guys think?

Meryl On Ice

I shared this video with Hannah, but once again this is something that the world needs to experience. I don't think you understand JUST how much I love this clip.



A) Aunt Meryl. Because she literally can do anything.

B) Jason Sudeikis. I can't. This video has OFFICIALLY put him on the Famous Men I Would Marry list. In fact, he might replace Ed Helms. Who I love, but I think he's better suited for another person (COUGHMichelleCOUGH).

That's all. Just watch and enjoy.

Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Oh my God, I am SO SORRY. That was a serious blog break there and trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you. Work turned into a crazy storm of crazy. So remember how I have a contract-to-hire job through March (and then hopefully for the rest of our lives)? And how it's a mobile app company? Well the app is launching this week and needed to be submitted to the app store last Friday. Which means the last two weeks have been like this:


But now things are hopefully going to move at a SLIGHTLY slower pace and I should be home before bedtime and able to write posts now and again. Since I've been so absent, I literally had to send Joe away on Saturday so I could spend some time "catching up on the internet." Blogs are unread, Tumblr animated gifs are unseen...hell, I barely had time to watch Parks and Rec twice. (Which I did. Because some things are important to me and it's not my real life.)

So my first entry back is a fun one. While I've been away, I've been thinking about the upcoming Oscars this Sunday. I'm really quite excited, despite the fact that I haven't seen 99% of the movies. But it's the OSCARS. It's going to be a SPECTACLE. Also, Billy Crystal is back. And I'm pumped, even though I'm sure people will get all pissy and say he's not as good as he was. These are the same people who say, "The Super bowl commercials weren't as good this year." EVERY FREAKING YEAR.

YOU SAY THIS EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR.

Ahem. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. On to the topic at hand. The Academy Awards. To prove my excitement about the event, I have formulated my own special drinking game. Here we go.



Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Drink when someone at home says, "Jeez, what's with all the women wearing [color] this year?"

Drink when an actress is wearing crazy jewelry that makes you angry at first but then five minutes later you love it.

Drink when Sigourney Weaver is wearing a one-strap dress.

Drink when no one mentions that Melissa McCarthy played the unstoppable Sookie St. James and you start feeling very possessive of your Melissa McCarthy. YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIKE I DO.

Drink for every man wearing some alternative suit like anyone cares. (bolo ties, maroon jacket, black shirt, etc).

Drink when you see Daniel Day Lewis' suit and it makes you question his real life.

Drink when Brad Pitt looks terrible because his hair or beard are grown out

Drink when you decide that deep down and despite it all, you'd make out with him anyway.

Drink when you realize the only dress you can pull off is Helen Mirren's and even then...no.

Drink when they do some kind if montage with classic movies and you spend the whole time trying to remember what the song is in the background and it turns out to be the theme to Dragonheart. (Or possibly Last of the Mohicans, but really, it's probably Dragonheart. 1:40. Trust me.)

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you start weeping for days past, even though you are only in your twenties.

Drink when Billy Crystal looks at someone he knows in the audience and smiles like a kindly grandfather.

Drink when they start off with Supporting Actress and you're all, "Oh so I guess we're just starting this thing right away. No big deal, supporting actresses aren't people, too. They don't need time to collect themselves."

Drink whether or not Sookie wins. Either way you're going to need a drink for this moment.


Drink every time they list a nominee and you say, "Who?"

Drink when someone thanks Harvey Weinstein and you say, "Why?"

Drink when someone says something abrasively Liberal and you're like UGH but really you technically agree with them.

Drink when they do the In Memoriam and you're like, "Wow this is lame this y-- wait, HE died?! Awwwwww! *sniff, sniff* I LOVE the In Memoriam!"

Drink when that person is Grandpa Joe.

Drink when everyone cheers extra for Whitney Houston because they will and fine, I'll let it happen because I can't stop it.

Drink when people act surprised that Disney•Pixar won the award.

Drink any time you involuntarily roll your eyes.

Drink when Sookie cries and so you start crying because you're best friends and you have a bond that shall not be broken.

Drink every time Dustin Hoffman is amazing.

Drink when an actor tries to make a joke off the cuff and it fails miserably.

Drink when an actor makes a joke and it fails miserably, but at home you're like, "BAH HA HA! Good one, Steve Martin."

Drink when an actress comes out from the back and you hold your breath. Not because of her beauty, but because you're terrified that if anyone breathes, she might trip on her train.

Drink when someone makes a joke about Tom Hanks and they cut to him and he immediately goes along with the joke and suddenly you're pregnant.

Likewise Aunt Meryl.

Drink when the music cuts in on the second guy and he just wants to thank his wife and kids so you feel bad for him, but also get off the damn stage, there are actors to look at.

Drink each time you ponder the fact that if actors are terrible at reading teleprompters, then WHO IS GOOD AT IT.

Drink whenever you really want someone to win and then some schmo gets it instead and they're on stage crying happy tears and this is a pivotal moment in their lives and you're sitting at home throwing popcorn at the screen yelling "Oh boo hoo, you no-talent CLOWN."

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you're like "Oh, right, this show technically has a host. Why is this supposed to be such a hard job again?"

Drink when they finally finish off with Best Film but they spent so long on sound design and cinematography that you're worn out and don't remember why you started on this grand adventure in the first place.


Any others I missed? Comment with your own! Especially if you've seen the movies this year and know more about how this is going to go down than I do.

We'll Have A Brain Fart Time

So I know I promised I'd still be blogging, and I totally am, but I'm having a bit of a brain fart time of it right now. I keep trying to say something insightful about how things are starting to look up, but it gets RULL boring, RULL quick. Either that, or I become one of the people that I hated only a week ago--the people who are too damn happy for their own good and need to quit making the rest of us Normies feel bad.

Side note: I'm SUPER into the non-word "Normies" right now. I'm considering using it until it catches on. It'll be so fetch, just you watch.

So anyway...brain farts and all that. I'm not sure what else to write about at the moment, but I promise I'll be around.

Also, since the Golden Globes were last night, can we talk about Aunt Meryl for a moment? Well, less of talking about her and more just...let's just acknowledge her existence with a moment of silence.

....

Also, Colin Firth. As I tweeted, that man is a dapper son of a bitch. We all know he is on the short list of men I would marry, but despite his growing age and/or jowls, I think he might be climbing to the top of the list, even past Future Husband John Krasinski, who, despite my best efforts, is still married to that damn British chippy.

But let's consider both of these things:







I mean...that's just...come on, now.

Anyway, this is really all I have for now. Quotes from Colin Firth. Sorry. Maybe an update this week about the job and how it's going? OH! Also, Joe and I just bought tickets to see a screening of The Dark Crystal in February and WHO is going to be there? Oh that's right, Dave Goelz--NO BIG DEAL, HANNAH.

Odd Jobs

Well. Someone from my high school posted the sonogram for their second child on Facebook. And because I am still not in the mood for booze (hurrr) after this weekend (hurrr) and thinking about alcohol makes me dry heave (hurrrr) but I still need to drown my sorrows, I've found the next best thing: licking the Hint of Lime off Tostidos tortilla chips. It's helping.

Here's the thing: I'm not ready for a second child. I am not ready for a first child. Like, AT ALL. In fact, lately I've been having some near mental-breakdown issues where I completely doubt everything about the life I'm living. Well, really it's more about my job.

Basically what happens in my brain is this:

Bah, this one part of my job is the worst.
Well this sucks, I don't even like doing this.
Wait, am I going to have to do what I don't like forever?
Wait, am I going to get laid off if I don't do a good job at this thing I don't like?
Wait, why am I doing a job that I'm going to get laid off from when I'm 40 and then can't find something because I've become totally obsolete and I'll be forced to fold socks at Walmart for the rest of my life?!?!?!?!?

And that's when, as Jan Levenson says, I collapse in on myself like a dying star.

Basically this:


These are the times that I start considering my options. And, as I see it, I have four potential other jobs that I would be willing to seriously consider.


1. Puppeteer


Ya'll know my blood runs Muppet. But honestly, I could see myself making a job out of entertaining on stage with a puppet, Muppet-brand or otherwise. There's something in me that just HAS to talk to inanimate objects (cabinet doors, boxes of dry pasta, running water...) and give voiceless things voices. Every pet and baby I've come in contact with in the past 10 years has had a voice. Each with their own personality and timbre. Taxi finished every sentence with "you know, and stuff." Charlie craved attention. Wally has a 1930's gangster voice. Regina is the first one to continuously threaten to kill me. I really think I could make a puppet show based on my pets. And no, I have never written a more depressing sentence.

I'm so serious about this one, I started legitimately looking into Puppetry schools. There's one in Connecticut. Puppet fantasies AND Gilmore Girl fantasies all wrapped into one? Be still my little beating heart.

2. Kindergarten Teacher


And I know this goes against what I just said about not being ready for kids, but Kindergarten teaching is different than owning and operating your own mini human. I'm pretty sure everyone I say this to has laughed in my face, little specks of spittle flying every which way. But I'm serious. I am really good with 5 year olds. BUT REALLY good. I used to nanny two boys and I MAY have learned the name, number, color, size, and wheel quality of all the Thomas the Tank Engine characters.

The most attractive part of being a Kindergarten teacher, though, is that I'm pretty sure it's the exact opposite to being in Advertising. Instead of constantly trying to figure out how to weasel my products into the hearts and minds of people who could give a damn, I would be teaching children how to become better people. In fact, I wouldn't have to spend another single second pondering an ad. I could even try to IGNORE THEM. Also, I could wear vests with puffy paint on them. And who doesn't love the idea of that?


3. Junior High English Teacher


Honestly, I think I may be a glutton for punishment. But I really like the idea of this one. GONE are the days of kids who can't tell the difference between your and you're FOR I SHALL ATTACK THEM WITH THE NORTH if they ever forgot it.

Also, I remember my high school English classes as being one long string of teachers wailing "WHERE IS THE 'SO WHAT'?!" and we would wail back "WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN!" Do you guys remember that? Did ANYONE get it back then? I know Adrienne and I didn't, that's for damn sure. And it wasn't until I started reading books for pleasure again that I actually figured it out, all on my own. And I want to try and pass on that knowledge to the childrenz, before they even hit high school. Because yeah. I'm ambitious.

4. TV comedy writer.



This is my newest idea. It's an interesting one to me right now. It involves me getting to be raunchier and more authentic than I can be in Advertising, which I like. And I get to write long copy versus headlines, which I clearly like. And I could be funny. And successful. And write myself into a show with Future Husband John Krasinski, Amy Poehler and (what the hell) Aunt Meryl and Tom Hanks.


For now I'm sticking with Advertising. I mean, I DID almost sell an ad with a flying squirrel in it the other day, so the job does have its high points.

5 Things I Learned About Los Angeles

Hey guys! I'm back from LA! Had a great time. Saw a lot of stuff. Took pictures next to Tom Hanks' AND Aunt Meryl's hand prints obv, and did a lot of nice-weather kinds of things. Drove past the Scientology...compound. CRAZY.

So now that I know a little more about LA than I did, I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.


1. It's Always Summer.

I cannot explain it better than that. I mean, I knew it was nice all the time. But it's a whole new thing actually seeing it in action. Everything is...clean. And not because they actually bother to clean it. No. It's clean because the city is not covered from skyscraper to sewer drain in rock salt once a year. The roads seem newly-paved and smoother than a baby dolphin. Which I imagine are VERY VERY smooth.

Also, people just have this air about them like...like they do this kind of thing every day. Like 75 and sunny ISN'T God's greatest gift to humanity (which, hi, it is) it's just another day. Do you have any idea what people do in Chicago when it's 75 and sunny? They stand around outside, marveling at how nice the freaking weather is. In fact, I think 99% of any given Chicagoan's time is spent talking about the weather. It's not a small talk nicety here. It's a way of life.


2. Driving isn't so bad.

That is, as long as you don't accidentally get into random, non-sensical rush hour traffic. Joe and I spent four days driving around LA and we were never particularly inconvenienced by bad traffic. BUT there were a few times that we just got lucky. We'd look over to the other side of the highway, packed with cars. Going into downtown mid afternoon. Like...where are you people going? Go home. Go longboard.


3. Celebrities are not that easy to find.

In our whole trip, Joe and I noticed one celebrity, and it was a That Guy that neither of us can place. All I can say is he's white, curly brown hair, middle-aged, possibly an angry comedian? Damn it, now I have to go back on Google and see if I can find him again. GAH, NO IT WAS NOT GARRY SHANDLING, GOOGLE. GOD.

OH MY GOD I just accidentally spent 40 minutes looking at pictures of photo bombs on College Humor after searching for pictures of "that guy". WHERE AM I?!

4. The Venice Boardwalk is full of crap I would have bought in Middle School.

In the movies, the boardwalk is an open, populated area full of blond women in neon bikinis rollerblading. But in real life, it's just a big paved road with shops on one side and burn outs on the other, playing the only Hendrix song they know and selling things ranging from "palm leaf art" to "hemp hats" to "give me weed and I'll let you pet my dog." The entire outdoor area smelled like patchouli and vegetable oil and there were multiple booths selling chauvinistic novelty tees. I had been warned, of course, that the boardwalk was not All That, but I guess I had to see it to believe it.


5. LA is where 'Nam era hippies go to live out their days.

If you think your parents were former hippies, guess what? They still could have been, if they'd just COMMITTED TO THE ROLE. The only thing we saw more than Priuses (We invented a game, btw, called "If you don't see a Prius in five minutes, you lose.") were old hippies. These are people who have not changed a single thing in their life since Lyndon B. Johnson was president. And why should they? The weather doesn't change from day to day, so how is anyone to know for certain that time itself isn't just standing still? It's like Groundhog Day over there, seriously, except instead of a horrible Punxsutawney February, it's just like...June 10th. June 10th, 1968. For the rest of your life.

And whether or not it really is, hope you like Hendrix.

A Short Blog break

Joe and I are going to LA for the rest of the week, so I won't be around on the ol' bloggy blog. Not that it would be that noticeable considering my posting has shortened as of late (I'm trying to be a No Excuses kind of girl, but to be fair, I got an extra-ten-hours-a-week-for-no-extra-money project tacked onto my job in the past month, if that helps explain the lack of posts. So unless you guys would like to talk about branding strategy up in here [up in here], you've gotta give me some slack for a little bit. I have a lot less time to make jokes about how often I run into things. WHICH I STILL DO, DON'T THINK I'VE IN ANY WAY MATURED JUST BECAUSE I HAVE MORE WORK TO DO. Although I did wear heels for the first time in a year and I didn't fall down ONCE a-thank you. Wow this is a really long parenthetical aside. I probably should make this a new paragraph. BUT WILL I? No.)

Moving on.

So anyway. We're going to LA. I'm pumped for a vacation, but I've had two things dampen my spirits in the past hour and they're really harshing my mellow.

1. The weather is going to be in the 60s. Which, considering it actually snowed in Chicago this morning, is pretty great. But I was planning a week of beach laying, flowy skirts and flip flops. Now I'm going to have to stalk Tom Hanks and Aunt Meryl in pants and a light jacket and I'm BITTER.

2. I didn't know they jack up car rental prices the day before I need them. I'm not SURPRISED, I just didn't know it. I am a stingy old miser and am therefore disproportionately pissed that I missed my opportunity to pay $15 a day for a car. RUDE.

So yeah. That's all. Finally getting my ass to LA. Um...I have no way to end this post. So I'll leave with this.

Here is the reason I am taking a vacation.