Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Oh my God, I am SO SORRY. That was a serious blog break there and trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you. Work turned into a crazy storm of crazy. So remember how I have a contract-to-hire job through March (and then hopefully for the rest of our lives)? And how it's a mobile app company? Well the app is launching this week and needed to be submitted to the app store last Friday. Which means the last two weeks have been like this:


But now things are hopefully going to move at a SLIGHTLY slower pace and I should be home before bedtime and able to write posts now and again. Since I've been so absent, I literally had to send Joe away on Saturday so I could spend some time "catching up on the internet." Blogs are unread, Tumblr animated gifs are unseen...hell, I barely had time to watch Parks and Rec twice. (Which I did. Because some things are important to me and it's not my real life.)

So my first entry back is a fun one. While I've been away, I've been thinking about the upcoming Oscars this Sunday. I'm really quite excited, despite the fact that I haven't seen 99% of the movies. But it's the OSCARS. It's going to be a SPECTACLE. Also, Billy Crystal is back. And I'm pumped, even though I'm sure people will get all pissy and say he's not as good as he was. These are the same people who say, "The Super bowl commercials weren't as good this year." EVERY FREAKING YEAR.

YOU SAY THIS EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR.

Ahem. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. On to the topic at hand. The Academy Awards. To prove my excitement about the event, I have formulated my own special drinking game. Here we go.



Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Drink when someone at home says, "Jeez, what's with all the women wearing [color] this year?"

Drink when an actress is wearing crazy jewelry that makes you angry at first but then five minutes later you love it.

Drink when Sigourney Weaver is wearing a one-strap dress.

Drink when no one mentions that Melissa McCarthy played the unstoppable Sookie St. James and you start feeling very possessive of your Melissa McCarthy. YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIKE I DO.

Drink for every man wearing some alternative suit like anyone cares. (bolo ties, maroon jacket, black shirt, etc).

Drink when you see Daniel Day Lewis' suit and it makes you question his real life.

Drink when Brad Pitt looks terrible because his hair or beard are grown out

Drink when you decide that deep down and despite it all, you'd make out with him anyway.

Drink when you realize the only dress you can pull off is Helen Mirren's and even then...no.

Drink when they do some kind if montage with classic movies and you spend the whole time trying to remember what the song is in the background and it turns out to be the theme to Dragonheart. (Or possibly Last of the Mohicans, but really, it's probably Dragonheart. 1:40. Trust me.)

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you start weeping for days past, even though you are only in your twenties.

Drink when Billy Crystal looks at someone he knows in the audience and smiles like a kindly grandfather.

Drink when they start off with Supporting Actress and you're all, "Oh so I guess we're just starting this thing right away. No big deal, supporting actresses aren't people, too. They don't need time to collect themselves."

Drink whether or not Sookie wins. Either way you're going to need a drink for this moment.


Drink every time they list a nominee and you say, "Who?"

Drink when someone thanks Harvey Weinstein and you say, "Why?"

Drink when someone says something abrasively Liberal and you're like UGH but really you technically agree with them.

Drink when they do the In Memoriam and you're like, "Wow this is lame this y-- wait, HE died?! Awwwwww! *sniff, sniff* I LOVE the In Memoriam!"

Drink when that person is Grandpa Joe.

Drink when everyone cheers extra for Whitney Houston because they will and fine, I'll let it happen because I can't stop it.

Drink when people act surprised that Disney•Pixar won the award.

Drink any time you involuntarily roll your eyes.

Drink when Sookie cries and so you start crying because you're best friends and you have a bond that shall not be broken.

Drink every time Dustin Hoffman is amazing.

Drink when an actor tries to make a joke off the cuff and it fails miserably.

Drink when an actor makes a joke and it fails miserably, but at home you're like, "BAH HA HA! Good one, Steve Martin."

Drink when an actress comes out from the back and you hold your breath. Not because of her beauty, but because you're terrified that if anyone breathes, she might trip on her train.

Drink when someone makes a joke about Tom Hanks and they cut to him and he immediately goes along with the joke and suddenly you're pregnant.

Likewise Aunt Meryl.

Drink when the music cuts in on the second guy and he just wants to thank his wife and kids so you feel bad for him, but also get off the damn stage, there are actors to look at.

Drink each time you ponder the fact that if actors are terrible at reading teleprompters, then WHO IS GOOD AT IT.

Drink whenever you really want someone to win and then some schmo gets it instead and they're on stage crying happy tears and this is a pivotal moment in their lives and you're sitting at home throwing popcorn at the screen yelling "Oh boo hoo, you no-talent CLOWN."

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you're like "Oh, right, this show technically has a host. Why is this supposed to be such a hard job again?"

Drink when they finally finish off with Best Film but they spent so long on sound design and cinematography that you're worn out and don't remember why you started on this grand adventure in the first place.


Any others I missed? Comment with your own! Especially if you've seen the movies this year and know more about how this is going to go down than I do.

My Emmy Fail

The Emmy's were fun. And funny. And sparkly. Just as they should be.

But, sa-weet Jesus, I got every single one of my predictions wrong. If you know me, you probably are not putting any money on any decisions I make anyway (and thank God for that, because you would be a poor, poor person if you did.) But I apologize for leading you all astray. That'll teach you to trust my instincts.

Also




That is all.

Who I Think Will Win The Emmys

Well the Emmy noms have been announced and I know you're all wondering, "Yes, but what does EMILY think about all this?" Because, yeah. I should be your go-to for all things celebrity. I know SO VERY MUCH about them and the lives they lead. Oh, the things I know. My stars.

In all seriousness you might find my opinions about as necessary to your life as stories about where Freddie Prinze Jr. is now (Actually...wait a minute. Where IS that guy?! Bad analogy, now I find myself INCREDIBLY concerned about the whereabouts of FPJ.)

But it's my blog. And in the wise words of Cartman, I do what I want. So here we go!

BEST DRAMA SERIES: Boardwalk Empire, Friday Night Lights, Dexter, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife, Mad Men.

I don't watch any of these shows, but if B.E. is the show that's supposed to knock Mad Men off its high horse, so be it.

BEST COMEDY SERIES: Modern Family, 30 Rock, Glee, The Office, The Big Bang Theory, Parks and Recreation.

Except for the BBT (CBS shows and I...we just don't get along), I watch all of these shows with a blind fervor. And while I loves me some Office, anyone who actually watches Thursday TV should know that in 2011, Community, which wasn't even nominated, was head and shoulders above the Office and that is a scientific fact.

DRAMA ACTRESS: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU; Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law; Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights and Mireille Enos, The Killing.

Elisabeth Moss, you're not all that with your short bangs and your lipstick ads (okay, fine, I haven't watched Mad Men since Season 2 and I have no idea what's going on in that show even though I am in Advertising and should definitely watch it. GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT IT, WHAT ARE YOU, MY DENTIST? I'LL FLOSS WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY TO FLOSS. Is it so wrong to want Kathy Bates to win because you think she'd be the kind of straight-talking aunt who tells it like it is and isn't afraid to tell off your new boyfriend at Christmas when she finds out he has no plans after college? IS IT?) Oh my God, where am I?


COMEDY ACTRESS: Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation; Laura Linney, The Big C; Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope; Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly.

Oh but Melissa McCarthy! Sookie. I love you. I even love you when you are pooping in a sink, THAT is how much I love you. But Amy Poehler winning an Emmy is as close as I will ever get to winning an Emmy.

DRAMA ACTOR: Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire; Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Hugh Laurie, House; Timothy Olyphant, Justified.

Whatever you want, Jon Hamm. I'll just....it doesn't...whatever I can do to make you happy. You look like Superman.

COMEDY ACTOR: Steve Carell, The Office; Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; Jim Parsons, Big Bang Theory; Matt LeBlanc, Episodes, Louis C.K., Louie; Johnny Galecki, Big Bang Theory.

Although I think it would be awesome if Louis C.K. won it, The Emmys has become as predictable as an SVU episode. So yes, I think Michael's last season will win him the Emmy. Also, aw! Joey! *Pats Matt LeBlanc on his now-silver head*


SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTOR: Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age; John Slattery, Mad Men; Alan Cumming, The Good Wife; Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones; Josh Charles, The Good Wife; Walton Goggins, Justified.

One time I had a dream about some actor but I couldn't even remember his name or what he was in, I just remembered he was the guy who kind of looked like Pee Wee Herman. Joe suggested "Alan Cumming" and I realized that was it. We went out to breakfast. Who was on the TV at the restaurant? Alan Cumming. That is all.

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTOR: Ty Burrell, Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family; Ed O’Neill, Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family; Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men; Chris Colfer, Glee.

I don't know guys...I just have a feeling about this one. And can I get a HECK YES to the Modern Family love? *does the Baby Mama exercise ball "Oooh-OOOOOOH!"* Oh my God, I can't even talk about OTHER CATEGORIES without mentioning Amy Poehler.

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTRESS: Julie Bowen, Modern Family; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Jane Lynch, Glee; Betty White, Hot in Cleveland; Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live; Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock.

Was that...was that a question?
But GOD I seriously want to awkwardly hold hands with ALL these women.

SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTRESS: Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife; Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire; Christine Baranski, The Good Wife; Michelle Forbes, The Killing; Margo Martindale, Justified; Christina Hendricks, Mad Men.

She deserves some recognition besides "YOWZA, HAVE YOU SEEN THE GAZONGAS ON THAT THING?!" But I also want her to become a spokeswoman against Victoria's Secret

MOVIE OR MINISERIES: Mildred Pierce, HBO; Downtown Abbey, PBS; The Kennedys, ReelzChannel; Cinema Verite, HBO; Too Big To Fail, HBO; Pillars of the Earth, Starz.

I don't know...whatever. I don't mess with Scientologists. I have seen their Hollywood compound.

REALITY COMPETITION: So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, The Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Project Runway.

My biggest reason for choosing this show is because I am currently very hungry. But it's also the only show of these that doesn't make me do the Liz Lemon eye roll.


REALITY HOST: Jeff Probst, Survivor; Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance; Phil Keoghan, Amazing Race; Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars; Ryan Seacrest, American Idol.

Tom Bergeron, you will NEVER be Bob Saget. NEVER. (wait for it) NEVER. That's all I wanted to say. Otherwise whatever. Because WHY is this an actual Emmy category? Who cares??

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES: The Colbert Report, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live, Conan, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Again, just a feeling. Don't have a good reason. I just gots me that tingly feeling about it.

Okay, that is all. Anyone want to fight me about it? What are your opinions? Who do you want to win? I want to know!

Awkard City, Population: The Oscars

A few of my live Oscar thoughts:

THIS OSCARS IS SO AWKWARD ALREADY

WAIT! WHY IS NPH HERE?!?! Did they get him just because Alec refused to dance? Is there anyone I’m more glad had a comeback? No there is not. No there is not indeed. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but thank god for Harold and Kumar.

Oh, no. It’s awkward again. Oh wait, now it’s not. Okay, wait a minute. It’s awkward again. And it’s still awkward. Wait! It’s...oh, no. It’s just awkward.

Joe and I simultaneously: “…Ryan REYNOLDS?”

OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS THE MOST AWKWARD OSCARS EVER?!?

Monique. All of it. Every part.

DOM DELOUISE IS DEAD? WHY DON’T YOU PEOPLE KEEP ME INFORMED ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO MY DAY-TO-DAY LIFE?

Yay, dancing to best original music! Oh, wait...it's just a Gap ad.

I’d like you all to meet my future husband: Colin Firth. Even if he is 100 years old, I will feed him apple sauce and roll him around in his wheelchair.

Oprah?! YOU get an Oscar! YOU get an Oscar! EVERY! BODY! GETS AN OSCAR!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSANDRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So...I guess I need to see Hurt Locker?

Oh man! I forgot Alan Rickman is in this!! (Sorry, I switched over to Die Hard. Okay, no more writing my thoughts to my blog.)