I Want A Tattoo

Tattoos and I have an interesting relationship. It's like skydiving: it sounds cool in concept, it seems like the kind of thing that everyone should try once, but if I realistically think about it, there's no way I'm doing that crap.

One time in college while I was working at a sandwich shop, a grizzly old man came in. He had a fuzzy, wibbly achor tattoo on his forearm which I thought was possibly the most badass thing I'd ever seen, because you know that thing was hand-chiseled by a fellow navy man.

The first time I ever considered that I might get a tattoo myself was after seeing the episode where Rachel gets a heart on her lower back/hip:


Because I'm pretty sure that's the first time I realized tattoos could be for non-sailors/women in the circus.

So of course at first I wanted a heart tatoo on my lower back. Because I was a very original teenager, and because the word "tramp stamp" hadn't been invented yet. Or if it had, I hadn't heard of it. But eventually this idea turned into me wanting a heart that was made out of the letters of my middle name: Joy. I told Teenage Boyfriend about this, and he designed one for me. Which of course ruined it for life. I've made some relationship mistakes in my day, but at least one of them has NOT been to get a tattoo that reminds me of a boy, no matter how convinced I was that we would be married and have billions of children.

So that was out. And for seven years or so, I hadn't come up with another tattoo I would want. There was nothing that I cared about enough to emblazon it on my body and know I would still care about it at forty.

Until recently.

I hold in my possession (ie my brain) one giant, awesome idea...and I don't know how to make it: I want a tattoo that says "Keep going" if you look at it from one way and "slow down" if you look at it from the other way. Like how this Princess Bride cover mind-blowingly reads upside down and right side up.



I think it would be rad. And I NEVER say rad, so you know I'm serious about it. I also like the idea of just the words "keep going" written on my hand so it looks best while you're writing, like in this position.


I also don't really know what that would look like either.

And before you get all "yikes that sounds like a terrible idea" because I know you and that is what you are saying, consider the idea of white or light ink, and consider that it could be small and classy.




I'm not going to get a tattoo now because I am in a fragile state and I'm pretty sure 99% of my ideas right now are ill-informed. So I'm holding off. Especially because I kinda just want to say EFF THIS and go with a connect-the-dots tattoo.


But again, small and classy. Like a little connect-the-dots kermit on my inner arm. COME ON, IT COULD BE GOOD, YOU DON'T KNOW.

What tattoo ideas do you have? What do you wish you had the guts to do but never will? What have you already had done? Regrets? No regrets? Comments!

There's A Face Of Somebody Who Needs You

Alternate Title: Save Community, Save The World.


(From Vulture)

If you love inside jokes and hope to be a part of one someday, you need to be watching Community.

Recently, it was announced that Community would not be part of NBC's spring lineup. It isn't cancelled, it's just on hiatus I guess. I am in freak-out mode over it, even though NBC probably did it to get some buzz going for a show that isn't getting the ratings it deserves. But I'm involved regardless. Involved in the same way a grad student and professor are involved. I am neck-deep, cutting my own hair and doing an interpretive dance to show my love involved. Please, NBC! Don't take my show! My precious, precious show! It's still in the early, lovely, beautiful phase (aka 3rd season) where nothing is overdone, characters aren't played out, and Chandler hasn't started his weight fluctuations. Or was that another show?

Here's the first reason you may not watch the show: It started off MEH. And I'm with you. Community and Parks and Rec started at the same time, and my opinion of both shows was exactly the same: MEH. I could take them or leave them, and I had other shows to worry about. I GET IT. I get why you left. But you need to turn that boat around, people. Come watch this show.

Obviously I am back on the Parks and Rec train, but I was still skeptical of Community until Adrienne sat me directly in front of her television, Carl-on-LOST-style. That's when I saw it had risen to epic proportions. When it started, it was just a bunch of goofy characters who didn't mesh, and The Soup guy hitting on some blonde chick.

Now?



If you can't tell from that video, Community is superb at parody. They have done zombie movies, apocalyptic battle movies, documentaries, Christmas claymation, AND MORE!! They have these epic, absurd premises that somehow still work and feel down-to-earth. It's like they throw you into the possibilities of, say, Supernatural, but then bring it back to a group of people at a community college by the end of the half hour.

There are plenty of places you can read about Community for general overviews of characters and plot lines. But what I haven't seen is anyone talk about my theory on why the show isn't gaining more viewers:

It's filled with inside jokes. Which I love. And which might be slowly killing the show.

Sure, the main storylines live by themselves in each episode, so it is possible for you to miss one or go in random order and get the basic gist. But there are nuances that you might not catch unless you pay attention. Which means the best way to watch is from start to finish. Problem is, getting your hands on the whole series is hard (they need to get some Instant Netflix action up in here, up in here) and even if it wasn't, I don't think people know to bother with every episode anyway. That's how you miss the inside jokes, and why you might find the show confusing and too meta. And that is a TRAVESTY.

So until Community gets in on the Instant Netflix wagon, maybe it would help to have a place where people can find basic inside jokes. So I want to try--nothing seriously involved, just the basics so you could start watching. Problem is, I'm not sure I can make it all on my own, so I need some help from others who watch the show. I wanted to enlist Adrienne to help, since she is the biggest Community fan in existence, but I didn't give her enough time--bah! But anyone and everyone, please add more in the comments. Let's get Community to the viewership it deserves!

To start us off, here is my measly contribution:

Troy and Abed in the MOOOORNING:
Troy and Abed have the best friendship that has ever been. They are adorably childish in an non-naive way. They make epic forts, watch bad movies and make fun of them, and dress up as the main characters from Inspector Spacetime (ie the show's Dr. Who parody). Their biggest running gag is this:


You'll see hints of it all over. It is ALWAYS worth it.

Señor Chang:


He used to teach the group Spanish, but they've since moved on to other classes and Chang has lost his job yet somehow still worms his way onto the show constantly. He and Sherry once had sex and they all thought her baby might be his, but it turned out to be her re-married husband's.

Annie's Boobs:


The name of a monkey who now lives in the vents of Greendale.

Pierce Has Money


This isn't really an inside joke, but I've noticed it comes up often and I wanted to make sure you're with us. Pierce (aka Chevy Chase) inherited the money, and the moist towelette company that made it, from his father.

Side Characters:
The Human Being- When the Dean created a school mascot, he didn't want it to exclude any sex or race, and the monstrosity that came out of the project was the Human Being.


Starburns- He's a man with starburns. He sometimes wears a top hat and vest. He's lame.


Magnitude- Magnitude is the life of the party, but never says anything but "POP POP!"




And that's all I've got so far! Help me out, other Community Fans! And to those who don't watch? WATCH. Especially if you have one of those magic boxes that tells people that you're watching. That helps.

But Waiting Just Around The Bend

I know! I know! I'm sorry! I have left you all on the edge of your seat, vis-a-vis The Great Move-In Of 2011. You don't know, maybe I was going for a season finale-esque cliffhanger. Or maybe I got caught up in reprogramming the TV.

Either way, consider my couch Ross and me Rachel because after months of "will they/won't they" we are finally reunited! JK, I'm totally the Ross in that relationship, let's not kid ourselves. Regardless, it didn't cost the nominal egg we thought it would. (TIME OUT to explain a Family Inside Joke: my mom knew a woman from Boston who thought the phrase was "a nominal egg" instead of "an arm and a leg" I would laugh but it hits a little close to home.)

Wow, I am WAY off topic right now. BACK TO THE MOVE IN. So we didn't have to pay for a shuttle because the truck made it to our apartment just fine, AS I TOLD THEM IT WOULD. And right before the truck was due, Joe and I stood guard over five parking spaces out front so the truck could take over all of them. We turned away the elderly and infirm and forced them to park far away and I'm not ashamed to stand here and say it right to your face.

The movers arrived, our stuff was moved in, Joe left for work and I spent the day agonizing over the extreme amount of mugs we brought along with us. Were we planning some kind of herbal tea party? Apparently yes. Regardless, everything is almost finished at this point. We have pictures to hang and rugs to lay out and boxes to toss, but we're mostly there. We have places to sit and a bed to sleep on and Regina is enjoying her options of places to hide in/lay on top of.

The question is: Now what? I've been aiming myself toward this move for so long, now that it's done, I can finally focus on what lies ahead. And what lies ahead is looking pretty good.

I've been on a professional roller coaster this year, including one very large dip. That happened a few months ago, when I was already questioning my abilities as a copywriter (I mean, come on. Laid off twice in two years? Everyone said it wasn't my fault but...it's hard to keep telling yourself that.) I went to a gathering with ex-coworkers who told me the agency was actually hiring already. That stung. When I got home, I had an email from someone I'd sent my work to. He told me that my book wasn't good enough to get a job in San Francisco.

So...it wasn't a GOOD day.

First, I did EXACTLY what Steve Carrell did in 40 Year-Old Version and walked through my apartment yelling. Then I tried looking for work in fields other than copywriting, like everyone had been telling me to do. Turns out, those jobs all require specialized knowledge in the writing topic, like parenting or healthcare or technology. The only thing it seems I can write for is How To Be Awkward and I think I already run that blog for free. That, or you need journalism experience. Which I don't have. So the only thing I was qualified for was a job that I was apparently bad at.

I don't know the right way to handle dark times. My way involved staring into space, getting back into Grey's Anatomy, and my cat laying on my neck. Now that I think about it, it is remarkably similar to the way I handled getting dumped in Paris. Except this time I had a boy who believed in me and supported me, who told me that I should do what felt right. Including staying in Chicago.

I had a lot of reasons to stay. And I weighed all of those reasons. But my gut still told me San Francisco. This was my next step. This was my new beginning.

Now that I'm here, I feel enormously good about it. Was it definitely the right decision? Hell if I know. Hell if I'll ever know. But the city is growing on me every day: the small shops, the crazy hills, the serious amount of Asian food. I like it a lot. And I've gotten more positive feedback about my portfolio, which makes me think that I may actually get a job at some point. And with a job comes more stuff that will make everything even better, including taking improv classes again, going on road trips, and buying a bike. Plus, it's mid-November and I went jogging in short sleeves today. Hard to complain about that.

So is everything perfect now? No. But it has potential to be. And for now I have a couch, my boy, and hope.

Cats On A Plane

Well the biggest hurtles of the move are over. Yes, it was a little touch and go for a few days. Kinda Charlie Brown Christmas feeling, in the "CAN'T ANYTHING GO RIGHT IN MY LIFE?!" milieu. There might as well have been a little droopy tree with a red ornament. There was definitely walking like this:



But I'm in San Francisco! And Regina is in San Francisco! And all of the trees are green...it's very weird. It feels like the Land That Time Forgot. How do you mark the passage of time here? Wrinkles? I mean, would anyone ever know it was fall if they didn't change the coffee and beer flavors?

Anyway, I want to tell you about the trip over. I'm not sure I've mentioned on the blog about transporting Regina. Or maybe I have a million times. I don't know, moving is all I've talked about with anyone for a month, so I can't remember what transpired where and I'm too lazy to read my old posts. Although you are welcome to. Read and share. Read and share. (Not to be confused with "LIIIIFT! And SLIIIIIDE." God, I really need to lay off the Friends references. OR DO I. Shut up, shut up.)

So the way they recommend traveling with cats is to take them on the plane with you as a carry-on. You buy an airport-approved soft case with mesh sides for breathing and just take her on board with you. And yes, that also means taking her through security. I had to leave the case on the conveyor belt, and take out Regina, putting a cat leash on her just in case. She didn't try to escape because she was in such shock, but I felt better knowing she couldn't get far. So no problems there. It was slightly embarrassing feeling like a cat lady holding tightly to my cat while walking through a metal detector like I couldn't make it through on my own. John suggested dressing her up. I think a pilot's hat really would have sealed the deal, actually. It cracks me up to no end thinking about my cat, already donning her natural mustache, also in a pilot's hat. Awesome. In faaaact...


But anyway, the security part was fine. It was the plane ride where things got harried. Or should I say: HAIRIED!!!!!!1 (Oh my God, what is wrong with me.)

So here's the thing. The case I bought Regina was not TECHNICALLY airplane-sanctioned, in that nothing on the store tag indicated that it was. And it also only specified that it was for dogs. Dogs shmogs, I thought. What's good enough for Fifi is good enough for Regina.

IS IT?!

Well this particular pet case had the parallel zipper on top. You know, like on a duffle bag. And where the zippers closed was a little latch. I forgot to take a picture of it and I'm at a coffee shop right now so you have to use your imagination, SORRY. What I'm saying here is: there was a gap. There was a gap in the top of the bag. Now, your typical traveling Yorkshire Terrier is probably too stupid to realize the consequences of a gap in a bag. Your typical cat is NOT. Hence the case's dog specification.

So here we were, taking off. I'm looking out the window as all of Chicago starts to come into view. Tears begin to well up in my eyes, when I hear a distinctly louder "MEOW??" than the muted ones I had heard coming from her case earlier. I look down at my feet, and there is Regina's head, sticking up out of the bag.

We had a bit of a conversation. It went like this.

"WHAT?!?!?! NO!!! No! Get back! Get in there! Stop it. GAH! Get back in there! Ow! Stop squirming!"
"Meow! Meow? Meow. Meow! Meow. Meow?"

So out pops Regina like an alien out of a dude's stomach and I'm powerless to stop it from happening. Luckily, I had chosen the right place to sit on the plane: the very back, with no one in the middle seat and a cat-loving guy sleeping in the aisle seat. Since even the flight attendants were safely buckled in during takeoff, no one saw as I sat with Regina on my lap for a good 5 minutes, her pupils so big they were taking over her face. I calmed her down and then gently, geeennnnnnnnntly shoved her back into the case. I made sure all zippers were closed and secure and started reading.

A few minutes later, "MEOW?!"

Yeah. She got out again. She had tasted freedom and she wanted more. There was swearing as I tried to get her back in. Silent swearing in my head, which turned to whispers, which then became fully vocal f-bombs. Don't worry, everyone nearby had their headphones on. At least I think they did. ("Hmm. Where ARE they?")

So finally I gave up on getting her back in and held her again. Convinced that this was my new life for the next 5 hours, I put Regina in the case once she had settled. I pulled the zippers as closed as they would go, and prayed for a few minutes respite before she tried again. But by this point, Regina had been awake for at least 6 hours straight, and I think the adventures of the day finally got to her. She calmed down and fell asleep.

Of course, this terrified me. Here was a cat who had been meowing for about 3 hours nonstop, now totally silent. Had I broken her? Did the cabin pressure make her brain explode? I got worried. I picked up the case to check.

"MEOW? MEOW? MEOW? MEOW?"

I couldn't tell if I was annoyed or relieved to hear her meowing again. But meow she did. For most of the flight. And through the airport. People kept turning around to make sure they weren't going crazy, hearing phantom meowing. "Yes, it's coming from me." I would say. But eventually, we got her (and me) to the new apartment. Joe had the air mattress and litter box all set up, so we let her out to explore. She seems fine with her new home, and I'm VERY happy. I'm back with Joe, back in a real apartment, back to living my real life, not a temporary one.

Now I just need to find a job so I can start actually doing real things in this real life, and I'll be set. That's next.

Is That All You Get For Your Money?

Okay! Time for a quick catch-up. I moved everything out of my studio on Saturday and into a storage unit. Then Sunday the movers came and took it all away. (And I fly out on Tuesday, just to make sure we're all following along here.)

As you would expect, a million things went wrong (well, or like a few but work with me) because it is me and this is my life. All of these things could be detailed but you would likely die of either boredom or panic attack. Maybe both. So here's the summary:

1. My family was 3 hours late.
2. My mom couldn't come so we were down a car.
3. Construction workers were in the way of us moving.
4. The freight elevator stopped working.
5. I lost the key to the storage unit and had to have the lock cut off.
6. I GROSSLY underestimated the amount of stuff we owned, to the tune of 100 cubic square feet. (Whoopsie!)
7. I have to go back to the studio for the run-through because the landlords were gone by the time I was moved out.

In the end, it all worked out and my family pulled through without an ounce of complaining--AGAIN. Seriously, you are jealous of my awesome family (especially my parents) and their car-packing abilities.

But there was one thing that went wrong that you need to hear about.

We had to pay the movers about a grand yesterday (DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT THE COST OF THE MOVE IT IS ALREADY MAKING MY HEART DO THIS) and in cash or money order. I had the cash in my wallet. My mother assumed I would pull a Monica and stashed $500 in her coat "just in case." Thanks, mom. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

Yeah...I left my wallet at home. So we had half the money. On a Sunday.

I know every stand-up comedian in the world has talked about this, but HOW ARE BANKS NEVER OPEN WHEN THE PEOPLE NEED THE MONEYS. Also while we're speaking of worn-out subjects that never change no matter how often Louis CK discusses them, what's with dentists being like, "See? When I slice open your gums they bleed! You need to floss!"

BAH. Where was I? Oh, right. The bank. It was closed. So we went to the ATM and took out $400 more, the max the ATM would allow. This was still not enough money to cover all the charges we would incur. So we did the next logical thing: we scammed my mother's own debit card.

We took that debit card to the grocery store self-check out aisle. We bought a pack of Altoids. $102. We walked to a different self-check out. We bought some water. $103. We bought some heavenly sandwich pinwheels. $104 dollars. Voila! We had the money we needed, and the bank was none the wiser! SUCKERS!!

I just need you to imagine my mom and I in the store, looking around all shifty-eyed like we had figured out how to beat the system and someone was going to come and arrest us at any moment. There was nervous giggling. Of course, this was the South Loop and there is so much more shifty activity happening that absolutely no one paid attention to the two pasty white ladies and their pinwheels. But there we were, cackling in the morning sun over our sweaty wad of money.

That is, until we got in the car, closed the door, and my mom said, "Wait. Why hasn't the bank called me by now?" "Huh."

So that's all. My mom and I will be entering a life of crime any day now. If any of you lose your debit card and then see purchases on your account for a wheel of cheese: $107...you likely have me to thank.

Fears and Pet Peeves

"....Ancient History, Literature, and IT'S ALL RELATIVE." I'm sorry, but I'm a lady who likes to complete her Friends references. DEAL WITH IT.

Ahem. Well, hello. And how are YOU today? You're well? That's marvelous. Come, follow me into my chateau. Have a seat on this velvet armchair.

Sorry, I don't even know where I'm going with this, suddenly I just felt like pretending to talk like a Mrs. Robinson-type for no reason whatsoever. Also, a preemptive warning--if this post seems incomplete and has a lot of non-English words, it is either a) a typical post and you should be used to such things by now or b) prematurely posted by my cat who has decided that laptops are for walking across, and wrists are for wiping your nose on.

So as you are all aware by now, I am moving to San Francisco in a week. And as of today, I have an actual flight reservation, as does Regina (My god, she is going to hate flying SO HARD) and a moving company picked out. I'm nervous about the movers. These ones totally check out--they have an A rating with the BBB and everything. So it's not that they're sketchy, it's that I just assume everyone taking my money is trying to take MORE of my money. And let's be honest, that's probably a good assumption.

But they ask you for an itemized list of stuff, and damn me if I can remember what we jammed into that storage unit 4 months ago before Joe left. I had to guess the number of boxes. I said 30. It could be 100 and I wouldn't be surprised...we had an unnerving amount of things. And when you tell them it's a 1-bedroom, how do you explain that it's a 1-bedroom, but for two people, and one of those people may or may not own multiple sets of Star Wars figurines and a barrel? (A BARREL.) (.............A BARREL.) So I'm pretty freaked out that the movers will get there and be like "We won't move this barrel! It's not in a box!" or "We won't move these Star Wars figurines! You said there are 30 boxes total and there are 32 boxes of JUST Star Wars figurines!" or "We couldn't fit the mattress in the elevator so you owe us $4000 dollars." I don't know...I'm scared. I'm scared because I am not making money right now, and this move is going to be a son. of. a. bitch. And Joe already spent the money his work gave him to move on moving himself out there earlier.

Truth be told, I'm scared of a lot of things about this move. I'm finding that this fear is like the head on a pint of Guinness: It covers all the good stuff underneath, it's the only thing you can taste at first, and it follows you down through all that good stuff, too.



I don't know...I'm still working on my metaphors. Michelle is helping me, she is the Metaphor Master.

My biggest fear is in going bankrupt. I'm going to be paying a lot more for rent in SF than in Chicago, and unemployment isn't going to get me through for very long; neither is temp work or Starbucks. I'm going to need a real person job. And I'm scared I won't be able to find one. San Francisco is filled with tons of great places to work. But it seems like they're all just 10 people per company, and I'm filled with fears that tiny companies won't take a chance on an unknown kid.

I'm also afraid of homesickness. I haven't felt really homesick since college, and even then my emotions were more about pining for dreamy Teenage Boyfriend. I'm moving far away from my family for the first time, so even though we have the internet, I can't go visit them for a weekend whenever I want. A lot of my friends have scattered (Again. I was hoping post-college would have been the last of it but NAY.) but those who are still nearby won't be able to visit and we can't go out for drinks. Even if I haven't seen some friends for a while, just knowing they're in Chicago or even in the Midwest feels comforting, knowing we can hang out if we WANTED.

I'm afraid San Francisco won't feel right. Y'all know me, I move ALL the time. What if I start feeling the need to move cities every year? I don't have that kind of money. Despite people's assertions that it's the best city ever, that you can make of it what you want, and that I personally am going to love it...I'm blindly afraid that I won't. What if I start resenting the hills? or the less-than awesome transportation system? Or the smaller-than-Chicago feel of it all?

I can tell myself a million times that the pros WILL outweigh the cons. I can tell myself about all the reasons SF is going to be awesome. And I do. And I even tell OTHER people why SF is going to be awesome. I hear it. I think about it. But no matter what I do, the foam still stays on top of the Guinness, keeping me from really enjoying the good stuff under it. So while, yes, I know everything will be okay and things will work out and I'm going to love it, I wouldn't be honest if I said I'm totally fine about it all. I'm not--I'm scared.

I guess I shouldn't be afraid for one reason and one reason only. And that one reason is lkookloddddddfffbbbbbbbbbbbhhh

Word-Of-Mouth

Everyone has their brands. Things they will fight to the death over. I had a professor in college who WOULD NOT SHUT UP about Viva paper towels. Christ, lady.

Do I care about paper towels? No. In fact, I don't care about most brands. You know why? Because I majored in Advertising. And I took class after class telling me that all products are essentially the same. The only difference is what you, the advertiser, has to say about it. I've made myself feel not-evil about this fact by blaming the products themselves. Look, is it MY fault that Crest and Colgate both exist and have each created roughly 4 million kinds of toothpaste? No. It's not my fault. It is their fault. It is just my job to help them sell all their ridiculously similar products.

But I have some brands. In fact, during one of these all-products-are-the-same lectures I actually raised my hand to defend a brand. It was an enormous lecture hall. 300 kids all wanting to go home and nurse their hangovers. And I raised my hand because sometimes I'm THAT GIRL. "Yeah, but not ALL products are exactly the same. I bought the Meijer-brand Wheat Thins once and they were CRAP."

And 300 kids turned toward me and threw things.

No, not really. But there was SERIOUS groaning. WHAT?! YEAH, I SAID IT. BRAND-NAME WHEAT THINS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, DUDES.

So I agree and disagree with Marketing professionals on this one. Yeah, some products are the same. My Pharmacist/mother never buys a brand-name pill if she can help it. So many times I've uttered the phrase "Aleve? Which one is Aleve? Do you mean ibuprofen?" And then again, sometimes a sista HAS TO HAVE HER WHEAT. THINS.

So I've created a list of the products I stand behind. Not all of them, just a nice sampling. But after you see mine, I'd love to know: what brand names do you get behind?


Fiber Plus: Cinnamon Oat Crunch


Love cinnamon toast crunch but feel like a pre-diabetic child when you buy it? Love Cheerios but wish they had a little somethin' somethin'? THIS. Don't let the healthy-sounding name or terrible packaging fool you. This product is cinnamon deliciousness for adults. Less sugar, more fiber, all the special feelings in your belly.

Special K: Protein Plus


So I'm starting off here with two cereals, yes, but they are so clearly aMAHzing. This one is absolutely the best cereal for keeping you full. It's a little bran-y so drop a few raisins in there to kick it up a notch. And then don't expect to need anything until lunch.

Laughing Cow wedges


If you are a cream cheese lover as I am, this is where you need to aim your priorities. Such a great healthy alternative, and delicious with pretzels. Also, surprisingly, carrots.

L'Oreal Collagen Filler/Eye Illuminator


I have genetic dark circles under my eyes. This stuff is great because it brightens your eyes and makes wrinkles go away (when it's on, not permanently [wah wahh].) And I don't want to hear, "Oh, Emily. You're too young to worry about wrinkles." Because I will say this to you in my best Ross impression: "AM I?!"

Johnsonville chicken sausage


If you like spiced meats filled with cheese, please go and buy these immediately. They are DELICIOUS. And probably slightly healthier for you than something made of pork. Personally, I like them by themselves on a bun with some ketchup and/or mustard. Also, everyone be proud of me for not saying "that's what she said" a SINGLE time for this one.

Clean & Clear Advantage Spot Treatment


I've been using this stuff for a very long time. Is it fair that I now use a wrinkle cream AND zit cream? No. But it is a fact of life. I've learned to deal with it, SO SHOULD YOU. Because if there's ever a time when I don't need to use this stuff, I will probably be forcing my children to use it, and then they will force their children use it. Here's why it's awesome: it's salicylic acid, which doesn't dry out your skin, leave white marks, or bleach your clothes like benzol peroxide (coughPROACTIVcough) does. Also, it works better anyway.

Tupperware FridgeSmart Containers


These things are containers sent by the Lord Himself. Also Allah. Possibly Zeus. Maybe all the gods got together and were like, "You know, we've been kinda hard on them lately. Maybe we can give them a little something nice." And they sent these Tupperware containers. An oversell? Absolutely. But czech it out: They're made especially to keep fruits and vegetables longer, and I can personally vouch that they work wonders, especially for peppers. In a regular container, peppers last for maybe 3 days tops? In these containers, you can keep peppers perfectly fresh and crisp for at least a week, probably 2. Also, I had a lemon in one once. Found it in the back of the fridge so y'all KNOW that can't be good. Opened it up expecting it to look like Mel Gibson's mugshot, but it was perfectly good! Had it with a beer. (Sidenote, probably don't try this at home, kids. I might have died.)

So like I said before, lay it on me. What products do you stand behind? Share the love!

3 Things I Learned About San Francisco:

To be honest, I had a great trip. The weather was nice, the coffee was great, and I appreciate any place whose top two foods are bread and avocados. Now I have three things to share that I didn't know about San Fran and they are going to sound like I am complaining, but that is just my way and you will have to take it with a grain of salt because honestly I did like the city in general.

1. The public transportation system goes all over, but it is a hot, hot mess.



The Bart (the subway) is not connected to the other modes of transportation, governmentally, but it is physically. The buses and street cars have a different card, and there are multiple ways to pay and transfer. It made my eyes water in frustration when I tried to figure it out. Joe had to talk me off a few ledges.

2. No one sent SF the memo that they don't have to hand-paint their signs.



Perhaps this is leftover sentiment from being hippie central, perhaps it is a newer concept brought from Mexico. Perhaps it is maintained by hipsters and independent shops. But my word, San Francisco has a lot hand-painted signs.

They are also really big into hand-painted murals. There was a page about this in my Touristy Tourism book but I forgot to read it and then left it with Joe. So the murals are still a big mystery.


3. When you walk out the door, bring more layers than Joey wearing Chandler's clothes.


Could he BE wearing any more clothes?

I'm sorry, you think the weather in Chicago is unpredictable? Just because it rains once a week? In San Fran, you walk out the door and it is chilly and overcast. By noon it is sunny and warm. By evening a frost has settled upon your nose. So I walked around with a cardigan, hoodie AND fleece on--AT ONCE--and gradually stripped them off and then put them back on again throughout the day. If you are at the Golden Gate bridge you will want some kind of parka. And if you are at the Bay Bridge, a bikini will do fine. And keep in mind that the two are a FIFTEEN MINUTE DRIVE FROM EACH OTHER. Microclimates are WEIRD.

And Thank You, Lambies

This past week I've been very very tired. Things it could be:

My thyroid.
Ever since I discovered that thyroid issues probably run in my family, I've been on the lookout and any time I get tired I race off to get my blood tested. In college the first test came back hyperthyroid. The second came back hypothyroid. I was excited to tell people I was a hyper-hypo, until the third test came back normal. Well, if I can't constantly quote Mike Myers then what is the POINT? I took that normal and ran with it. I would also like "thyroid issues" to be the reason for my 10 pound weight gain in the past year, and NOT, in fact, on my reinstated two dessert (per meal...including breakfast and snacks) minimum.

Mono.
If Junior High health class taught me anything (and it did not) it's that Mono is not just a kissing disease. I mean, with Joe gone, I haven't kissed anyone except the occasional mustachioed cat in the past three weeks anyway. So that's a moo point (like a cow's opinion). So I could have it from general germiness. Or trying someone's drink or however the hell else you get Mono. My roommate in college went in to see if she had Mono and found out she'd already had it a few months earlier and had just thought she was tired from all-nighters. I wouldn't put it past me to be that oblivious as well.

My middling addiction to caffeine.
Some days I can wake up, walk out the door and be about my day without a single thought about a brown beverage. And then some days, like today, I stare daggers into my teapot, willing it to steep faster and wondering how my life has turned to shambles.

I went to bed at 2 am yesterday.
But I had a very good reason. I had to finish the movie I got from Netflix so I could get my next one on Saturday and watch it over the weekend. PRIORITIES.

New Life Goal, And It Involves Me Becoming A Crazy Pet Lady. Which I'm Fine With.

I need to ultimately own four pets, purely for the names I have devised:

Regina Phalange (check)
Arf Vandelay, Vandelay Industries
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration
Anastasia Beaverhausen

And if any of you can tell me which one of these things is not like the other, you win the prize of my adoring affection.

Who I Think Will Win The Emmys

Well the Emmy noms have been announced and I know you're all wondering, "Yes, but what does EMILY think about all this?" Because, yeah. I should be your go-to for all things celebrity. I know SO VERY MUCH about them and the lives they lead. Oh, the things I know. My stars.

In all seriousness you might find my opinions about as necessary to your life as stories about where Freddie Prinze Jr. is now (Actually...wait a minute. Where IS that guy?! Bad analogy, now I find myself INCREDIBLY concerned about the whereabouts of FPJ.)

But it's my blog. And in the wise words of Cartman, I do what I want. So here we go!

BEST DRAMA SERIES: Boardwalk Empire, Friday Night Lights, Dexter, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife, Mad Men.

I don't watch any of these shows, but if B.E. is the show that's supposed to knock Mad Men off its high horse, so be it.

BEST COMEDY SERIES: Modern Family, 30 Rock, Glee, The Office, The Big Bang Theory, Parks and Recreation.

Except for the BBT (CBS shows and I...we just don't get along), I watch all of these shows with a blind fervor. And while I loves me some Office, anyone who actually watches Thursday TV should know that in 2011, Community, which wasn't even nominated, was head and shoulders above the Office and that is a scientific fact.

DRAMA ACTRESS: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU; Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law; Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights and Mireille Enos, The Killing.

Elisabeth Moss, you're not all that with your short bangs and your lipstick ads (okay, fine, I haven't watched Mad Men since Season 2 and I have no idea what's going on in that show even though I am in Advertising and should definitely watch it. GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT IT, WHAT ARE YOU, MY DENTIST? I'LL FLOSS WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY TO FLOSS. Is it so wrong to want Kathy Bates to win because you think she'd be the kind of straight-talking aunt who tells it like it is and isn't afraid to tell off your new boyfriend at Christmas when she finds out he has no plans after college? IS IT?) Oh my God, where am I?


COMEDY ACTRESS: Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation; Laura Linney, The Big C; Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope; Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly.

Oh but Melissa McCarthy! Sookie. I love you. I even love you when you are pooping in a sink, THAT is how much I love you. But Amy Poehler winning an Emmy is as close as I will ever get to winning an Emmy.

DRAMA ACTOR: Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire; Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Hugh Laurie, House; Timothy Olyphant, Justified.

Whatever you want, Jon Hamm. I'll just....it doesn't...whatever I can do to make you happy. You look like Superman.

COMEDY ACTOR: Steve Carell, The Office; Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; Jim Parsons, Big Bang Theory; Matt LeBlanc, Episodes, Louis C.K., Louie; Johnny Galecki, Big Bang Theory.

Although I think it would be awesome if Louis C.K. won it, The Emmys has become as predictable as an SVU episode. So yes, I think Michael's last season will win him the Emmy. Also, aw! Joey! *Pats Matt LeBlanc on his now-silver head*


SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTOR: Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age; John Slattery, Mad Men; Alan Cumming, The Good Wife; Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones; Josh Charles, The Good Wife; Walton Goggins, Justified.

One time I had a dream about some actor but I couldn't even remember his name or what he was in, I just remembered he was the guy who kind of looked like Pee Wee Herman. Joe suggested "Alan Cumming" and I realized that was it. We went out to breakfast. Who was on the TV at the restaurant? Alan Cumming. That is all.

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTOR: Ty Burrell, Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family; Ed O’Neill, Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family; Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men; Chris Colfer, Glee.

I don't know guys...I just have a feeling about this one. And can I get a HECK YES to the Modern Family love? *does the Baby Mama exercise ball "Oooh-OOOOOOH!"* Oh my God, I can't even talk about OTHER CATEGORIES without mentioning Amy Poehler.

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTRESS: Julie Bowen, Modern Family; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Jane Lynch, Glee; Betty White, Hot in Cleveland; Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live; Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock.

Was that...was that a question?
But GOD I seriously want to awkwardly hold hands with ALL these women.

SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTRESS: Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife; Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire; Christine Baranski, The Good Wife; Michelle Forbes, The Killing; Margo Martindale, Justified; Christina Hendricks, Mad Men.

She deserves some recognition besides "YOWZA, HAVE YOU SEEN THE GAZONGAS ON THAT THING?!" But I also want her to become a spokeswoman against Victoria's Secret

MOVIE OR MINISERIES: Mildred Pierce, HBO; Downtown Abbey, PBS; The Kennedys, ReelzChannel; Cinema Verite, HBO; Too Big To Fail, HBO; Pillars of the Earth, Starz.

I don't know...whatever. I don't mess with Scientologists. I have seen their Hollywood compound.

REALITY COMPETITION: So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, The Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Project Runway.

My biggest reason for choosing this show is because I am currently very hungry. But it's also the only show of these that doesn't make me do the Liz Lemon eye roll.


REALITY HOST: Jeff Probst, Survivor; Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance; Phil Keoghan, Amazing Race; Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars; Ryan Seacrest, American Idol.

Tom Bergeron, you will NEVER be Bob Saget. NEVER. (wait for it) NEVER. That's all I wanted to say. Otherwise whatever. Because WHY is this an actual Emmy category? Who cares??

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES: The Colbert Report, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live, Conan, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Again, just a feeling. Don't have a good reason. I just gots me that tingly feeling about it.

Okay, that is all. Anyone want to fight me about it? What are your opinions? Who do you want to win? I want to know!

Confessions of a Weddingaholic

So I'm pretty serious about this Joe guy I'm dating. He lets me lick his neck before work...how could I not be serious about him?

We're not engaged, but we talk about it for our future. I only stick around in relationships if I can look at a guy and go, "Yeah, I think I'd like to sit awkwardly in a restaurant with you for a couple decades."

I'm not engaged, but I have a confession to make: I'm a wedding planner.

Not in a horrible JLo movie way, but in the "I already know what kind of dress I want" way. Weird, right? It surprises me, too, considering my long-standing opposition with pink and frills. But when Michelle and I were little, we'd pore over two kinds of magazines: American Girl Doll and wedding. We'd plan our dream wedding with Anonymous Handsome Husband, discussing everything from the clothes to the hair to the clothes to the clothes. (We didn't really know what all went into a wedding, to be honest. But people got dressed up and we were into it.)

I decided I would wear an off-the-shoulder dress a-la Princess Jasmine, I would hold red roses, my bridesmaids would wear red dresses, and the groomsmen would wear red bow ties and red cummerbunds.

YEAH. What can I say? It was 1994, I was nine, and I had a bowl cut. Style was not really in my direct line of vision.

But the point is, I've basically been thinking about wedding details since I knew what weddings were. To me, it's a lot less about wanting to be married and a lot more about planning something pretty. It gives me the same euphoric feeling as a new Crate and Barrel catalog. "Look at THIS decanter! And THIS one! LET'S BUY ALL THE DECANTERS!!!!1"

My best defense for being the Weird Girl Planning Her Fake Wedding is that thinking about those happy little details helps me sleep. I don't know about you, but laying there in the dark is my brain's favorite time to either stress about work, or play out disastrous ways for everyone I love to die. Something about darkness really brings out the worst in my subconscious. And centerpiece planning helps. But now the details are way funkier than red cummerbunds. They look more like this:








I finally confessed all of this to Joe a few days ago. He didn't leave a Joe-shaped hole in our door, so I got a little excited. And I told him one idea I had: no bartenders. Buy booze ourselves and let our friends pour their own drinks like the adults they are. But instead of telling me that I was a freakin' genius, Joe had the AUDACITY to be rational and say that a lot of venues probably don't let you do that. And our friends might be peeved that they'd just come all the way to a wedding just to do all the grunt work. I huffed quietly and then went about my day.

And it stewed.

And finally, after Joe had left town for Detroit, I let it all out in an email.

A) Our friends would NOT be upset that they weren't waited on. They'd be happy they could have as much booze as they'd want and they'd be happy to celebrate with us and if they didn't like it then they could shoveituptheir--BREAAAAATHE, Emily.

B) I told him (because I am a CRAZY PERSON) that when he turned down my idea, he was backing my fake wedding dreams into a corner. And if I'm ever going to fall asleep thinking about flower arrangements, I'm going to need my fake wedding to flow freely.

That night on the phone, he apologized (What a great guy. Apologizing in the face of Crazy.) and said he wanted to hear more ideas. I let another one fly: For the Save The Dates, we take pictures of ourselves wearing Bill Murray masks and have it say "We're getting murray'd!"

Joe told me it was a great idea.

And that was the moment I realized....it really wasn't. It was a HORRIBLE idea. It was weird and creepy and made no sense and was a terrible pun besides. But if Joe had actually told me the truth, I would have sharpened my nails into points and then slashed him across the chest. HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY BILL MURRAY PUN DREAMS!

What I realized is this: Sure. Sometimes we need someone there to give it to us straight. To smack us across the face and tell us we're wrong. But sometimes we just need support. We need someone to be there for us when we make decisions and nod along so we can come to our own conclusions without the blinding rationale-blocker that is the Defense Mechanism. And that relates to partners as well as parents, friends, even work-associates. We all just need someone who knows when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. When to walk away and when you run. You never count your money when you're sitting at the table. There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done.

So...comments anyone? Am I the only one pre-planning her dream wedding/who has horrible thoughts before bed/who emails her boyfriend because she's bad at live conversation sometimes/who gets crazy defensive about really bad ideas sometimes? I'd really like to hear your thoughts. I promise not to lash out in email form...well, I'll try.

10 Ways To Be Healthy And Not Go Crazy. It's Possible.

You know how some dogs will keep eating and eating until they die, as long as there is food in front of them?

That is me with junk food.

There is no switch in my brain that says “Alrighty, I think you’ve had enough, dear.” No. I will eat every french fry in my basket, no matter what. And I will eat any french fry I can then steal. I usually have the presence of mind not to lunge at the waiter when he takes away plates with fries still on them (Oh, the humanity!) but not always.

I have a problem.

Thank God I've figured out ways to keep myself healthy. Obviously, I'm not an expert. I've mostly just educated myself through the health sections of Cosmo. I'm also not crazy. I don't spout the ideals of whey protein and Omega 3 or scoff at breadsticks. (Mmmmmmmmm...breaaaaadsticcccccks) I'm just an American with a lot of daily temptations and a scary family history to keep myself in check.

That's why I'd like to share some basic thoughts with you, in case you are like me and have a little trouble going the Nancy Reagan route and just saying no. However, if you are one of those people who can eat one Reese's cup and then leave well enough alone, A) screw you and B) this might not be your bag.

Here we go. Ready?

1. Chocolate can be your friend.


Last week I was given a baggie of assorted chocolate. I have one word to describe that afternoon: massacre. I don’t know what it is about chocolate; sometimes it feels like the only way to properly end a meal. I could have apple pie, shortcake and a sugar cookie, but until I get an M&M, the meal is incomplete. I have three ways to combat this:

a. Brushing my teeth. I know a few girls who do this, and they always seem a bit like a crazy person, brushing their teeth in the middle of the day. But it works. Nothing like a little toothpaste to keep you from shoving more stuff into your gob. And when that’s not an option…

b. Chewing mint gum. Not quite as effective, but helpful.

c. Dark chocolate: “Oh really, Emily? You combat chocolate by eating chocolate?” Why yes. YES I DO. This was one of those tricks that I read that actually works: since dark chocolate is so much richer, it takes a lot less to satisfy me. So a quick bite of dark and I feel finished and ready to move on, only a few calories deeper.

2. Choke down that carrot.


You know you’re supposed to eat vegetables. But they’re gross. I mean, but really, veggies are gross. And anyone who says otherwise is either being snobby or lying to herself. They’re gross. Accept it.

The annoying thing is, you still have to eat them. You can’t just say, “I don’t like vegetables” and then not eat them. That’s like saying, “I don’t like brushing my teeth” and stopping that, too. You do it because it’s good for you and it will make you feel better.

So figure out which vegetables you like better than others, figure out how you like to eat them, and suck it up. If you hate cooked carrots, but you like them raw? Ain’t nobody forcing you to cook those things. Have a few next to your sandwich instead of chips. If you like green beans slightly crunchy? Make them slightly crunchy. Stir some vegetables into your marinara sauce (like mushrooms, tomatoes, spinach, or onions) and you'll never know they're there.

And experiment. Two of my “favorite” vegetables are asparagus and Brussels sprouts. I’d never eaten either until I had graduated college because I was terrified of them. Turns out, if you cook them in a little olive oil and sprinkle them with salt instead of boiling all the green out of them and shellacking them onto a plate, they're fine.

Another nice thing about veggies is that they make a good palate cleanser. Eat a few bites every once in a while, and it’s like coming back to a whole new hot dog.

If you aren’t used to eating very many vegetables, first try to get at least one serving into every dinner. Then see if you can manage one in your lunch, too. Once you’re more used to finding, cooking, and thinking about veggies, it’ll get easier.

Oh, and they say corn and potatoes don’t really count as vegetables because corn is sugary and potatoes are more of a starch, so...sorry kid. They're better than tons of other things, but you probably shouldn't count them as your veggie.

3. Keep It Lean



Don’t eat your meat fried all the time. Fried meat should be a treat, not a given. Look for words like “crispy” “crusted” and “breaded.” These are just tricky ways to make "fried" sound more appealing. Don't let Applebee's trick you like that.

When you buy ground beef at the store, look for the ones that say “96/4” or “90/10.” That’s the ratio of meat/fat and the more meat, the better. It won’t break up as nicely or be as tasty, true. But if you’re only going for what’s tastiest, just buy a deep dish pizza and call it a night. Eating healthier takes sacrifice.

Why not try ground turkey or ground chicken as a substitute? Hmm? Why not? Scared?


4. Don’t listen to what experts say about fruit. They’re idiots.


There are people that will tell you fruit is full of sugar or that it’s blah blah blah BLAH. I don’t want to hear it. Fruit is good for you. Eat as much as you want. I want to meet someone who says they’re overweight because they eat too much fruit. Worry about the heavy cream and the Italian sausage first.

5. Realize the things you binge on. And don’t buy them.


Crackers. Chips. Ice cream. Peanut butter. Gouda. When I pass these things in the grocery store, I lean wistfully toward them, a single tear rolling down my cheek. But I don’t buy. Why not? Because I have zero control. Some people can grab a handful of Wheat Thins and leave well enough alone. I, on the other hand, can eat peanut butter by the spoonful. And I have. So if you’re like me and your serving size of Doritos is “all the Doritos,” leave them at the store. Quit buying them. Force yourself to find something else to eat.

6. Find the substitutions that work for you.

I hate fat free cream cheese. I think it tastes like watery powder. It probably is. Low fat cream cheese is okay, but you can’t use them to make cheese balls. Laughing Cow wedges are great for snacking. And whipped cream cheese is great because it’s half air. You know how I know all these things? Because I experimented. I tried out my options until I found what worked best for me. You have to do the same, because those little changes matter. Why?...

7. One small thing won’t kill you. But all of them together might.


No, eating a white bun instead of a whole wheat one is not going to send you to the hospital. But eating a burger on a white bun with cheese, mayo, ketchup and bacon with a side of fries and cole slaw will. Switch out a few of those. This is the kind of thing you’ll realize if you track what you eat when you…

8. Keep a food journal for a few weeks.


There are a bazillion websites and apps that help you calculate your calories (including restaurant food and workouts.) Ultimately, food journaling drives me crazy because I eat too many potlucks and I have no way to document those meals properly. Sadly, "a few scoops of whatever I could fit on my plate" is not an option. But keeping track for a few days is super helpful for three reasons:

a. You can see just how much food = 2000 calories (And you can calculate how many calories you need a day. Hint: it's probably not exactly 2000.)

b. It keeps you from mindless snacking. When you have to enter every single pretzel you ate, you’re less likely to sit back and let them fall into your face. It really brings all your eating habits to light and puts them in check.

c. It makes you realize how detrimental a few drinks (and certainly binge drinking) is to your diet. Stupid internet and your knowledge. Why don’t you mind your own damn business?

9. Go to restaurants with a plan.


Yes. That is actually how many calories are in Cheesecake Factory's chicken salad sandwich. YOWZA. Like...is it actually made of BUTTER? How? Why? What is WRONG with you, CF? (I didn't mean that. Don't leave, baby. Come back. I love you. I HATE YOU! No. No. Shhh. I love you.)

What I'm trying to say here is: if you're going to a restaurant that has a menu on their website, especially one with a nutrition list, figure out what you'll get before you go. When you see that the bacon & tortilla salad has over 1000 calories but the roast beef sandwich (no mayo) has 350, guess what? Everyone wins, because you get to eat a roast beef sandwich with no guilt.


10. You don’t have to run a marathon, but you have to move.



The great part about burning calories is that it motivates you to eat better, too. When you know how hard you had to work to burn 300 calories, suddenly putting it back on with a tiny brownie hardly seems worth it. Here are a few non-crazy workout thoughts:

a. If you work out at a gym, the best advice I ever read was “Just go.”
See, sometimes you don’t want to go to the gym. You aren’t busy, you aren’t too tired, you just really REALLY don’t want to go. So the advice was: JUST GO. And once you’re in the door, if you still don’t want to work out, turn around and walk back home. I use this logic on myself ALL THE TIME. And there has only been one time where I walked in, worked out for a second and just went home. Usually once you’re there and you see other people working their asses off, it doesn’t seem like the horrible injustice it did when you were on your couch. But it’s a good reminder that...

b. No one is forcing you to do something you hate.
Working out is not junior high gym class. You’re a grown ass person and you get to decide your own health. If you hate the treadmill? Get the hell off it. Take a step aerobics’ class. Go power walking with your friend or family member or dog (life goal: own a cat that will go on walks with me. I have little hope for Regina Phalange.) Basically, find something that doesn’t make you feel like you’re in hell and go do it.

c. During cardio, watch TV or read an exciting book.
No one ever said that to burn calories you have to be aware that you’re doing it. If you have a machine at home, point it toward your TV and work out during your favorite shows. The thing that gets me to the gym is usually a certain show I can watch at the gym (which works because we have TVs on every machine. But if you don’t, you can always ask the gym workers to change a channel.) So I know that I HAVE to get to the gym by a certain time or I’ll miss whatever prank Jim is going to play on Dwight. Books and magazines can work, too. Anything that takes your mind as far away from your body as possible. I used to read Harry Potter on the elliptical. Yes, it looked ridiculous because it was an 800-page hardcover. But it got the job done.

d. Save something to eat when you are done working out.
Figure out your post-workout food before you start your routine. A handful of pretzels, a slice of bread...or save your dessert until after working out. Whatever. Just make sure you have a plan. Because when you’re done, your body is going to be all, “Um, you just made me burn calories and I WANT THEM BACK, THIEF!!” And your willpower will be hovering around zero because you just forced it to do a bunch of crap it doesn’t want to do. So you’ll get to the fridge and be like, “Giant slice of cake? Don’t mind if I do and don’t mind if I DO.” And you’ll gain back allllll the lovely little calories you just worked so hard to get rid of. So have a plan.


And those are my main points. Of course I have about a billion other tricks I've figured out over time. But I think those are the biggest; those are what I'd tell someone having trouble getting off the couch for anything but cake (and who DOESN'T have trouble with that at least once a week?) In the end, everyone's preferences are different, and everyone needs to decide how to keep themselves healthy, because no one else is going to do it for you.

So tell me, what have I missed? What other tricks do you have to stay healthy? Substitutions? Avoidance food? Food you know you shouldn't have but you keep around anyway for the sake of your sanity?