Johnny Depp Is Not Attractive.

I've mentioned it before on this blog, but I've decided it needs it's own post.

It's true: I do not like Johnny Depp. Here--take this paper bag and breathe into it. Put your head between your knees. Everything's going to be ALL RIGHT, just CALM DOWN. Go take a nap. Come back when you're ready.

Yesterday I saw a brief interview on some Hollywood gossip show in which they talked to Johnny Depp.

Let me describe a man for you:
-unwashed hair
-tinted glasses inside
-goatee
-orange



Which of these qualities EXACTLY, is the one that everyone flocks to? I JUST. DON'T. GET IT. Except for his strange, milky orange glow, the man is colorless. All washed out and bland-looking. He has no personality as a human. His voice is as unilayered as his skin tone. He looks like he is on drugs. If that is attractive, then Jim Bruer is the next Hollywood hunk.



And yet YOU ALL find him hummina-hummina-hummina gorgeous. Women AND men! Johnny Depp is the only man that I consistently hear from straight guys that they find him attractive. It's as if all straight dudes in the world got together and said, "we have to maintain our heterosexuality in the eyes of others, but HOT DAMN that grey-skinned man and his unwashed hair is just the sexiest fella we've ever seen. Can we all agree to publicly call him hot but still act weird about it being gay if we sit next to each other when we watch his movies?"

At the very least, it just irks me that people consider him to be universally attractive. As if, OF COURSE the man is hot, and everyone everywhere thinks so.

I've been asked, "Okay, so then who would you consider to be universally attractive?" And I find myself flabbergasted. "I don't know...just about anyone ELSE in Hollywood?" I want to shout. But instead I give them Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Robert Redford, Tom Cruise, Patrick Swayze, Denzel Washington, George Clooney.

"Yes," they reply, "but those were all in their heyday. Who, right now, might be YOUR Johnny Depp?"

And I realize that I can't answer them. Do we have no household name, A-list, Universally Attractive Man anymore? Ryan Reynolds was People's Sexiest Man Alive for 2010. Is that it? While I agree the man is good-looking, he's not really buzzed about at the water cooler. His name is not synonymous with Attractive Male. Like, no one ever says, "I know I'm no Ryan Reynolds, but we belong together."

Next in line may be Hugh Jackman. But while he seems sweet, there's something about him that makes him not quite Ken doll-like. Patrick Dempsey? McMaybe.

I'm looking for someone who is UNDENIABLY attractive to every single person he meets. And while I love ya, Future Husband John Krasinski, that is a schnoz.

Or is my issue something deeper? Maybe it's to do with Depp's total lack of off-screen interest. I'm very critical of attractiveness when it doesn't come with a great personality to match it. Leonardo DiCaprio was a Hollywood hunk since Titanic. But the man has always dated models, which to me just screams "pretty but boring."

Maybe the reason I can't think of the Universally Attractive Man is because I don't CARE about those men. Thing is, that guy is also 100% unattainable. I'm not going to see him in a bar and win him over with my sarcastic arm punch and self-plucked eyebrows. So why bother to get weak in the knees for HIM?

I suppose I've just always been realistic. Why fall for the guy because he looks like Stretch Armstrong? (Ooh, speaking of which, maybe Aaron Eckhart? Hmm. Too blond.) Why not look for the guy with his head out of the clouds? After all, that's the only way he'd ever see me.

Oh no wait. WAIT. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm, everybody. Nevermind, it's Jon Hamm.