Twitter: The Results Show

Fail Whale? More like WIN Whale, am I right? Ohhhhhhhh, ME.

So the Twitter Poll results are in! Of those who answered, most are at least ON Twitter. And of those people, it was one part "Yes, let's party it up on the Twitters," one part "I can't keep up with the confounded thing so you do whatever the hell you want and I'll occasionally tweet when I'm stuck in line at the grocery store," and one part "shhh...if I don't answer the poll I can still pretend like I don't read this blog."

Word to your mother.

Well okay then, how about this? My twitter handle is (unsurprisingly) @iheartejs. Follow me and I'll follow you back. I pretty much follow anyone back, which is how I've gotten into the predicament I'm in. See, I've been on Twitter since early 2009 and have pretty much been following people willy nilly. Which means I follow a bunch of people who I don't really care about (but then also Tom Hanks, as well as nearly the entire cast of Parks and Rec--again, unsurprisingly. Best tweets? Jerry, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.) So, okay, here we go. I'm going to unfollow a whole bunch of people. Watch me.

....

There we go. I'll call it The Great Purg---nope! Nope, not calling it that. Regardless, I have room now to follow people I actually want to hear from, aka: YOU. So if Tweeting is your thang, let's be Twitter budz. If for no other reason, to make it so Adrienne is not the ONLY person I interact with over there. I mean, I love her like Leslie loves Ann, but I want more. And I promise to cultivate my Tweets and actually read and respond to others, not use it as a dumping ground for my poorly-crafted one liners. Usually. Sometimes. A little.

There's A Face Of Somebody Who Needs You

Alternate Title: Save Community, Save The World.


(From Vulture)

If you love inside jokes and hope to be a part of one someday, you need to be watching Community.

Recently, it was announced that Community would not be part of NBC's spring lineup. It isn't cancelled, it's just on hiatus I guess. I am in freak-out mode over it, even though NBC probably did it to get some buzz going for a show that isn't getting the ratings it deserves. But I'm involved regardless. Involved in the same way a grad student and professor are involved. I am neck-deep, cutting my own hair and doing an interpretive dance to show my love involved. Please, NBC! Don't take my show! My precious, precious show! It's still in the early, lovely, beautiful phase (aka 3rd season) where nothing is overdone, characters aren't played out, and Chandler hasn't started his weight fluctuations. Or was that another show?

Here's the first reason you may not watch the show: It started off MEH. And I'm with you. Community and Parks and Rec started at the same time, and my opinion of both shows was exactly the same: MEH. I could take them or leave them, and I had other shows to worry about. I GET IT. I get why you left. But you need to turn that boat around, people. Come watch this show.

Obviously I am back on the Parks and Rec train, but I was still skeptical of Community until Adrienne sat me directly in front of her television, Carl-on-LOST-style. That's when I saw it had risen to epic proportions. When it started, it was just a bunch of goofy characters who didn't mesh, and The Soup guy hitting on some blonde chick.

Now?



If you can't tell from that video, Community is superb at parody. They have done zombie movies, apocalyptic battle movies, documentaries, Christmas claymation, AND MORE!! They have these epic, absurd premises that somehow still work and feel down-to-earth. It's like they throw you into the possibilities of, say, Supernatural, but then bring it back to a group of people at a community college by the end of the half hour.

There are plenty of places you can read about Community for general overviews of characters and plot lines. But what I haven't seen is anyone talk about my theory on why the show isn't gaining more viewers:

It's filled with inside jokes. Which I love. And which might be slowly killing the show.

Sure, the main storylines live by themselves in each episode, so it is possible for you to miss one or go in random order and get the basic gist. But there are nuances that you might not catch unless you pay attention. Which means the best way to watch is from start to finish. Problem is, getting your hands on the whole series is hard (they need to get some Instant Netflix action up in here, up in here) and even if it wasn't, I don't think people know to bother with every episode anyway. That's how you miss the inside jokes, and why you might find the show confusing and too meta. And that is a TRAVESTY.

So until Community gets in on the Instant Netflix wagon, maybe it would help to have a place where people can find basic inside jokes. So I want to try--nothing seriously involved, just the basics so you could start watching. Problem is, I'm not sure I can make it all on my own, so I need some help from others who watch the show. I wanted to enlist Adrienne to help, since she is the biggest Community fan in existence, but I didn't give her enough time--bah! But anyone and everyone, please add more in the comments. Let's get Community to the viewership it deserves!

To start us off, here is my measly contribution:

Troy and Abed in the MOOOORNING:
Troy and Abed have the best friendship that has ever been. They are adorably childish in an non-naive way. They make epic forts, watch bad movies and make fun of them, and dress up as the main characters from Inspector Spacetime (ie the show's Dr. Who parody). Their biggest running gag is this:


You'll see hints of it all over. It is ALWAYS worth it.

Señor Chang:


He used to teach the group Spanish, but they've since moved on to other classes and Chang has lost his job yet somehow still worms his way onto the show constantly. He and Sherry once had sex and they all thought her baby might be his, but it turned out to be her re-married husband's.

Annie's Boobs:


The name of a monkey who now lives in the vents of Greendale.

Pierce Has Money


This isn't really an inside joke, but I've noticed it comes up often and I wanted to make sure you're with us. Pierce (aka Chevy Chase) inherited the money, and the moist towelette company that made it, from his father.

Side Characters:
The Human Being- When the Dean created a school mascot, he didn't want it to exclude any sex or race, and the monstrosity that came out of the project was the Human Being.


Starburns- He's a man with starburns. He sometimes wears a top hat and vest. He's lame.


Magnitude- Magnitude is the life of the party, but never says anything but "POP POP!"




And that's all I've got so far! Help me out, other Community Fans! And to those who don't watch? WATCH. Especially if you have one of those magic boxes that tells people that you're watching. That helps.

You Miss Your Old Familiar Friends

You guys all appreciate stories about my ever-approaching demise, right? Yes? Good? On we go.

All my dreams have come true: our stuff arrives tomorrow. "But, Emily! I thought you said you'd get 2 days notice before your stuff arrived!"

...
.....
.........
............
.................DIDN'T I?!

Well, in true "all moving companies are a bunch of assholes and there's nothing you can do about it" fashion, my driver called to inform me that I had less than 24 hours to get my affairs in order, and that he would be needing a shuttle truck (an additional $350 minimum charge) since he was sure he wouldn't be able to drive his 18-wheeler through the streets of San Francisco.

................WOULDN'T YOU?!

I started calling around to all the official city numbers I could muster. I was assured that the man could drive his truck down the necessary roads. I called him back to tell him this. He told me to call the moving company because he's done it before and gotten ticketed. FINE. I called the company. Are you grasping the number of phone calls I made today yet?

Once I assured the manager that I had all the maps and the phone numbers the driver needed to ensure a good route, he started giving stuff like "well aren't there a lot of hills?" and "you're really close to the ocean" (Side note: WHAT now?!) and "he needs a place to park" and SOOOOO many excuses, it makes me wonder if these semi trucks ever get to their destinations. Like, unless you actually live ON the highway--like, ON IT--how does a 70' truck EVER deliver your stuff to your home? How? I have no idea. None.

I called 311 about bagging a few meters so the man and his beloved truck could park. They told me I needed over 24 hours notice. "YES," I told them. "That would have been LOVELY, wouldn't it?" The officer told me that what I COULD do was just get a bunch of friends to park in the metered spots until the truck came, and then have them move. I wanted to sob to the woman, "But I HAVEN'T any friends anymore!" (When you get really overdramatic, you have to talk like Amy March from Little Women, by the way.) "I've deserted them in their wintry time of need!" I'll tell you, if absence makes the heart grow fonder, my lady friends have become superheroes in my mind. They'll do anything for me now that we're apart. Adrienne would have parked there all night for me! Laura would have parked sideways and DARED anyone to complain about it. Michelle probably would have just laid across the parking spots! And Jane would...well, she would have come with hummus to keep everyone's cars company at the very least!

Oh my god, I just had a genius idea for a comic book and it may or may not involve my friends deflecting lasers with their chest plates.

So no, Officer. I do not have anyone to help me with my ketchup/catsup problem.

All of these issues, plus a few calls made by Joe and between me and Joe in which I sobbed more or less uncontrollably into the phone, took all freakin' day. With little conclusion. We will likely be paying an amount of money (in cash) the likes of which I always thought I would pay someone someday, just while adjusting my monocle and top hat.

Oh but wait. Cash. Right. And how I need to have that by tomorrow. Hmm, that's interesting. And how my bank isn't in California. Yes yes, I see the issue now.

Well I've been needing to switch my money to a bank out here. And considering all the terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad banks out there, I thought I'd do the hippie thing and join a Credit Union. I'm still unsure of exactly how Credit Unions function. But all I know is: they aren't mean banks that do mean things with your money. Okay, cool. I'll take a hundred. A hundred Credit Unions.

After all this dealing with people who are hell-bent on taking every penny they can squeeze from me, I headed over to switch my account and take out some money.

To understand my emotions upon entering the building, please watch the following:



There were actually a couple people applying to open new accounts at the same time, so a man took all of us and explained the basis of what a Credit Union is and how it works and where to find ATMs and all this.

He was...the most wonderful, adorable 30-something gay man I have ever met. He was just so freakin' cheerful. And I say again, not fake cheerful in order to get something. He was legitimately happy. Like he hadn't just spent the last 6 hours on the phone, fretting about how to park a semi on a six-lane residential street. He took out his own debit card to show us how he'd customized it with a picture of his dog. And he said things like "Let's be frank. My name's actually Carl but...sorry, stupid joke." And when he told us there was a $5 fee to sign up, he actually APOLOGIZED about it. It took every ouce of will power in my loins not to jump wholly, trustingly, into his arms, Dance Of Joy style.

Later, I went one-on-one with another guy to actually open an account. Still untrusting about hidden fees, I ripped open a fun-size M&Ms bag on his desk and started popping them like House pops Vicodin, only with slightly less scruff and to a calmer effect. Yes, I am a stress eater. I don't need your judgement, I only need your chocolate. But the guy assured me that there were no hidden fees. He also assured me that he couldn't give me the cash I needed to pay my movers. And he sent me on my way. I took an extra bag of chocolate Vicodin for the road.

So ONCE AGAIN, here I am, stuck without a bank and with maximum withdrawal limits. I'm going to try with a real bank tomorrow, and Joe can take out a bit, too. So it's not the end of the world, but it was just one of those icing on the cake moments you really love.

It was one of those days that, despite the calming affects of the Credit Union, when I got home and saw a note by the elevator that our new washer/dryers now only use h.e. soap, I threw myself face-first against the wall and pounded on it, screaming, "WHY, GOD, WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!" I wish it was a day ending with an ANTM potluck or a wine and cheese gathering or an Office marathon. It would have been nice to end the day laying on the floor with you guys around me, swearing to the high heavens about my woes and telling me how correct (and how pretty) I am.

And finally, I leave you with The Oatmeal, who put my day's emotional spiral into perfect words.

See you guys on the other side of Stuff-Having and Money-Haven'ting.

What Ever Happened To Predictability?

Okay, I thought I'd share with everyone what I've been up to since arriving in San Francisco. But since we are a visual people, let's do it in PICTURES! YEAH! PICTURES! LESS! READING! MORE! SEEING! LESS! READING! MORE! SEEING! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!

I don't know...I'm in a weird place right now. A weeeeird place.

So just a bit of overview: I haven't been doing anything extremely touristy. One, because I did those things when I was here the first time. Two, because I'm unemployed and have to conserve my money. And three, because I have a life to live and internet to catch up on, and I can't spend my days riding a trolley all day.

But if you are curious about what my life is currently looking like, here it is:

First and most importantly, I discovered that I live about half a mile from Robin Williams during my run this morning.

....

I'm just giving you all a little moment to let the majesty of that sentence grip your hearts.

I made a nifty little map for you. The orange star is where I live. The kooky neon green star is where Robin Williams lives.


And yes, you heard right. I am running again. I have to run now. I'm a runner. Way far away from the dock, with the, with the wind and the sky and everything. Ahoy. I am not amused. There are no gyms near me because APPARENTLY it's nice weather all year and there is a giant park nearby and SOME people think that is reason enough to forego my precious, precious ellipticals for "fresh air" and "free exercise" and "scenery." WHATEVER.

So anyway, yesterday I ran south to Golden Gate park. There were hills involved. It was not awesome (The hills, I mean. The park is, in fact, quite awesome.) Today I decided to run north to the ocean and see what that was all about. Now, I knew Sir Williams lived in San Francisco, but I didn't know where. Once I got into the neighborhood I started thinking about it, though. Every house was gorgeous, and if you were in the right place you got a view that looked something like this:


I wasn't actually looking for his house or anything...but then I saw this one.


Bigger than the others, with actual space around it (rare in this city), an enclosed basketball hoop, and the best view of the Golden Gate Bridge. THEN, across the street from the house was a bench with this on it:



Whoa. When I got home, I googled it to be sure and YEP. That is the one!

Question: Do you now play out different scenarios in which you run into Robin Williams to varying degrees of interaction, from hand wave to “You’ve got a lot of spunk! Why don’t you play my daughter in my upcoming feature film?”
Answer: OF COURSE.
Question: Do you realize how silly that is?
Answer: OF COURSE.
Question:…But you can’t stop, can you?
Answer: OF COURSE.
Question: Also, that's not how Robin Williams talks.
Answer: Quiet, you.

So that happened. Anyway, here are a few more things about where I live.

This is my apartment building.



Here is what is directly next to it.


Here is the sole piece of furniture in our apartment right now. It is a borrowed air mattress.


Here is Regina sitting awkwardly in the sunshine. She will be even happier when our furniture arrives than I will be.


OH! Speaking of Regina, here she is in her carrier (BEFORE she wriggled out.)




These are the two canned meals I had bought in preparation for easy, cheap dinners. Then I remembered we don't have a can opener yet.


Here is how we eat our meals. On the floor. Next to a cat toy because...of course.


Once we get furniture I will take you all on a virtual tour of our apartment. Until then, there's not much to see, obviously. Although there are a lot of windows and closets, which is pretty awesome.

Anyway. San Francisco composts. Like, as a thing. Hippies.


My first day I went on a grocery store hunt. I found one, which sold these. I obviously thought of Michelle.


Then I went past this. I obviously thought of Adrienne.



Then I walked past this church. I obviously thought of Jane. JUST KIDDING. I thought of Monica. Who is St. Monica? The patron saint of being a badass? I’m pretty sure.


This is an authentic Irish bakery that I think Joe will enjoy, next to a pub. I'm excited to bring his family there when they visit. (Oh, and I forgot to take a picture of the burger joint called Bill's Place which I will OBVIOUSLY take my father to when they visit. Because it is absolutely "Bill's place".)


And finally, apparently San Francisco is littered with Whomping Willows.



So that about sums it up. Everything I haven't pictured is me sitting in various coffee shops looking for a job or watching Hulu+ on my phone (Mother Necessity, where would we be?) or Joe and I running through our endless To Do lists. We spend the majority of our relationship compiling lists and schedules. It's our way.

A Bit Of Weekend Nonsense

So, Adrienne has showed me the wonder of Tumblr. Specifically, the wonder of reblogging funny pictures/gifs into one place so you eventually have a collection of ridiculous things.

I don't know. Apparently there are other uses for Tumblr but so far this is my favorite.

So I started one. I'm still pretty remedial at it. Because, seriously, there are only so many things on the internet you can be good at. It makes for good boredom scrolling. It's iheartejs.tumblr.com. So if you're into Tumblr, or if you need yet another medium for me to tell you how much I love Parks & Rec, feel free to follow.

Scenes From A Camera Phone

Okay guys. This one is a doozy. It is officially September now, and what better time to reflect on the past year than in September (I know, it makes no sense. Work with me here. It's Adrienne's birthday, so let's say I'm reflecting on HER past year or whatever. JUST SHUT UP ALREADY I FELT LIKE DOING THIS AND I DIDN'T WANT TO WAIT UNTIL DECEMBER SO I'M DOING IT NOW AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME)

See? Do you see what you've done? You made me go all caps lock early in the post and scare away new people who are now nervous about what I might do or say next and don't appreciate getting yelled at, like you all clearly do.

HANYWAY. So I'm looking through my phone and realizing how many insane, random pictures I have in here of things I've observed. Now, if you don't have a camera on your phone, or a proper one as I'm pretty sure everyone over the age of 3 has a camera phone, you are missing out on the true reason to get one: random observational pictures. I am particularly fond of taking pictures of weird-looking people in Chicago or ads that give me Scrunch Face. It is up to you to determine what weird, nonsense things you take pictures of. Because it is a digital world and taking pictures of a dude with a big fro is no longer considered a waste of film, it is a miracle sent by baby Jesus. Not grown-up Jesus; he wouldn't stand for that kind of crap. But baby Jesus is probably cool with it.

God, I'm in a really weird mood right now, I'm sorry. MOVING ON.

So without further ado, here, in chronological order, are a crap ton of pictures of things I've taken pictures of, mostly in Chicago (except I squeezed in a few San Fran ones in there in the end. Sorry, SF, you aren't getting away so easy.)


This is one of Jane Lynch's costumes from Glee (and I love how long it was on the mannequin), and it was at Claire's, of all places. They had all this "I <3 Finn" and "I <3 That Asshole Guy With The Mohawk Who No One Should Love Because He Is The Worst" memorabilia, but NO "I <3 Sue Sylvester" stuff. Apparently Claire's is for 13 year-old girls and NOT 26 year-old women with emotional attachments to tall sassy women.


As promised, dude with a fro. AND HOW.


You know what? It wasn't MY fault that we were playing jenga next to a plate of nachos at the bar. I STILL refuse to take the fall for that. (Get it? FALL?!)


Praise be to the person who corrected this sign. It makes me eternally happy.


Fine. I give up on the why-do-female-mannequins-have-nipples fight because apparently it is a losing battle. But really, do we need MOOBS on our male mannequins? Can American men not picture an outfit unless it resembles their soft, shapeless form?


Joe and I joke that any time we see a sign like this (which says "best in town") we think of Elf. "YOU DID IT! Congratulations."


How. Amazing. Is. This. And how sad that I never look up and it took me months to notice.


This was at the wedding where the guy told us, "No offense, but you LOOK like you're from Chicago." Read that post. Then look at those blonde women. I rest my case.


At that same wedding, we looked around and realized that there was a potential mob boss at every table. The man was at a wedding reception in an undershirt. I was 100% terrified of him.


Mullet fauxhawk. Sadly, this combo is not like where you THINK that fries and shake will not mix and then you try them and are pleasantly surprised.


I don't even know what to do with this bumper sticker. Are you mocking? Are you serious? I don't know how to feel! And yet I love it!


For an apartment finder company in Chicago. That's some of the best graffiti I've seen to date.


You can't tell from this picture, but this was rush hour. REALLY, sir? REALLY?!


Oh this was one of the best. This was a man in a suit, pushing himself around the el car with his feet while in a wheelchair, eating a pint of ice cream with a screwdriver. At 8 in the morning.


This is, from head to toe, what Joe wears 90% of his waking life. The Gap, you just blew my mind.


Why.


Either Nick Cannon is REALLY good at balancing food in a bag, or someone with my same level of abilities at Photoshop had some fun with the drop shadow.


I'm sad, I forgot about this guy when I put together my post recently about the cute things I accidentally drew. Look at how adorable he is!


That is a woman. Walking a dog. With another dog in a stroller. All three of them have the same hair.


Science nerd humor in advertising. I'm Emily, and I support this message.


Reasonable prices? For whom, Whole Foods? The Queen?


Does anyone look at this and NOT see Robin Williams?


The funny thing is, this man only looks about 150 pounds from the front.


Lest you think I'm size-ist from that last picture of the big guy, here is a girl who was SO skinny, her jeggings did not hug her ankles. It was scary. I hope she is okay.


Obligatory Adorable Old Man Photo


I bank while picking out my wedgie.


This guy could hardly walk because he was low-riding his skinny jeans and it looked RIDICULOUS.


This picture isn't weird, it was just my first trip to Chick-fil-a and I wanted you all to be jealous.


Oh so fine, I go away for ONE extended weekend and THESE GUYS show up?!?! BAH!! WHAT IS THE POINT.


As soon as Adrienne and I poured our "Butterbeer" (aka Butterscotch liqueur and cream soda) in celebration of having seen all 8 Harry Potter movies together, an impressionable 10 year-old boy sat down next to us. Whoopsie.


Was this Halloween? Was this a costume party? No. This was a group of ladies out on the town. And one of them had on a mask. And she didn't even have the decency to sing "Music Of The Night."


Obligatory Old People Standing Weird Photo


So....this exists.


Basically everything you need then? I mean, it's practically a Wal-Mart.


BUT WHERE?!?!?!?!?


One way I know Joe and I are meant to be together is our creepy ability to know what is going on with the other person when not with them. The day everyone got laid off, I had had a COUPLE PBRs and texted him a schmoopy text saying "I love you SO MUCH." and his response: "You're eating fries, aren't you?" I sent back this picture.


I have such glee at the fact that my air conditioner goes to eleven.


Old couple wearing weird shoes. I don't know, it seemed funny at the time. Leave me alone, they can't all be winners.


This was parked a few blocks from my house. I don't even know what to tell you about it. I mean, I guess good that the driver of this vehicle does not believe murder is the answer...but do you have to be so "if the Manson Family killed someone in a car" about it?


This was at Asian-style group karaoke last weekend. That is Hootie and the Blowfish "Let Her Cry" and we were informed that the hip hop dancing in the background was by the "Korean Usher." Obviously this makes sense.

And that has been my favorite pictures from the past 12 months! I hope I have encouraged you to take a few more stealth photos yourself.