(Prequel: No, this is not an April Fool's joke. Y'all know how I feel about those.)
Wow. Let me just say, wow.
When I went home a few weeks ago and found my fourth grade journal (which was a class-enforced activity), I knew there'd be some gems. But I've landed on a goldmine here, guys. Originally I was hoping for some hilariously baffled Mini Emily entries about "A Wrinkle In Time." But it turns out, I was probably so embarrassed by said bafflement that I hardly mentioned it at all. And what I did say was, frankly, pretty smart. NOT FUN, EMILY. NOT FUN AT ALL.
Luckily for you, me, and the state of this blog, there are other entries in here that are RIFE with comedic gold. I don't want to delay you any longer. Here we go.
Oh but first, assume [sic] for any journal misspellings.
Here we go for real this time.
If I could go any where in the world I would go to Florida because I could go to Disney World and I could get a good tan. Or I would go to London but I don't have a reason why.
(Good God, I'm just imagining poor little 9-year-old Emily...bowl cut, wire-rimmed glasses as big as her face...laying out among the palm trees drinking a Shirley Temple.)
This weekend I went to a polo game with my friend. We did everything we could do exept watch the game. We colleted beer bottle caps, looked at the horses, watched around a week-old puppy and shared a cheeseburger & fries.
(I remember that entire day. That. Entire. Day. And can I say? Those are STILL my preferred pastimes to polo.)
If money grew on trees, every one would want one. When they got one they'ed all go shopping. Then the stores wouldn't have anything so we'd starve. Everybody would move, then those stores wouldn't have any thing. Soon the whole world would starve and the world would come to an end sooner than we thought. THE END.
(Wow, Mini Emily. Get a little more pragmatic, could you? Christ, I feel like I need an antidepressant now. But also...spot on. BUT ALSO, kudos for already knowing then vs. than. That's m'girl!)
(I'm showing you guys this one to prove WHY I am an advertising copywriter. That is me, scrutinizing a car based on the words in its TV ads. See?)
(I was an advertising whore, even before I knew was a whore was. Or what advertising was, actually.)
If Santa Clause came every day, my family would suddenly become poor, I wouldn't have any room too put my toys (I barely have any room now)and I'd be spoild.
(For a kid with a rampant imagination, I'm really hitting them out of the park with these "what if" prompters. Also, Mom and Dad, I hope you're seeing the responsible, selfless child you raisd.)
Last night we went to pick up my dad at the airport. My mom is just as near-sided as I am, so she wore my glasses. I couldn't see that the man in the gray jacket was my dad until he was 1 foot away from me! On the way home my sister and I started spitting at eachother.
(HAR!!!1 I don't remember this at all. And how surprised am I to learn that my mother used to steal my glasses in order to drive? I'll give you one guess.)
If there was no elavators, it would be very tiring and it would take alot more time. They wouldn't have one of the "Perfect Strangers" shows either.
Red Ribbon Week is,
To teach you the're erresponsable.
If you're old enough, limit them,
(If you're not don't do them.)
To tell you the're not cool.
They won't help you relax.
It could give you cancer.
DRUGS! (don't do them)
(Well move over, Walt Whitman. Also..."LIMIT them"? Wh...)
Seriously, guys, I could do this all night. But I imagine I should span these bad boys out. But I PROMISE there is more to come if you want more.