Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Oh my God, I am SO SORRY. That was a serious blog break there and trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you. Work turned into a crazy storm of crazy. So remember how I have a contract-to-hire job through March (and then hopefully for the rest of our lives)? And how it's a mobile app company? Well the app is launching this week and needed to be submitted to the app store last Friday. Which means the last two weeks have been like this:


But now things are hopefully going to move at a SLIGHTLY slower pace and I should be home before bedtime and able to write posts now and again. Since I've been so absent, I literally had to send Joe away on Saturday so I could spend some time "catching up on the internet." Blogs are unread, Tumblr animated gifs are unseen...hell, I barely had time to watch Parks and Rec twice. (Which I did. Because some things are important to me and it's not my real life.)

So my first entry back is a fun one. While I've been away, I've been thinking about the upcoming Oscars this Sunday. I'm really quite excited, despite the fact that I haven't seen 99% of the movies. But it's the OSCARS. It's going to be a SPECTACLE. Also, Billy Crystal is back. And I'm pumped, even though I'm sure people will get all pissy and say he's not as good as he was. These are the same people who say, "The Super bowl commercials weren't as good this year." EVERY FREAKING YEAR.

YOU SAY THIS EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR.

Ahem. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. On to the topic at hand. The Academy Awards. To prove my excitement about the event, I have formulated my own special drinking game. Here we go.



Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Drink when someone at home says, "Jeez, what's with all the women wearing [color] this year?"

Drink when an actress is wearing crazy jewelry that makes you angry at first but then five minutes later you love it.

Drink when Sigourney Weaver is wearing a one-strap dress.

Drink when no one mentions that Melissa McCarthy played the unstoppable Sookie St. James and you start feeling very possessive of your Melissa McCarthy. YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIKE I DO.

Drink for every man wearing some alternative suit like anyone cares. (bolo ties, maroon jacket, black shirt, etc).

Drink when you see Daniel Day Lewis' suit and it makes you question his real life.

Drink when Brad Pitt looks terrible because his hair or beard are grown out

Drink when you decide that deep down and despite it all, you'd make out with him anyway.

Drink when you realize the only dress you can pull off is Helen Mirren's and even then...no.

Drink when they do some kind if montage with classic movies and you spend the whole time trying to remember what the song is in the background and it turns out to be the theme to Dragonheart. (Or possibly Last of the Mohicans, but really, it's probably Dragonheart. 1:40. Trust me.)

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you start weeping for days past, even though you are only in your twenties.

Drink when Billy Crystal looks at someone he knows in the audience and smiles like a kindly grandfather.

Drink when they start off with Supporting Actress and you're all, "Oh so I guess we're just starting this thing right away. No big deal, supporting actresses aren't people, too. They don't need time to collect themselves."

Drink whether or not Sookie wins. Either way you're going to need a drink for this moment.


Drink every time they list a nominee and you say, "Who?"

Drink when someone thanks Harvey Weinstein and you say, "Why?"

Drink when someone says something abrasively Liberal and you're like UGH but really you technically agree with them.

Drink when they do the In Memoriam and you're like, "Wow this is lame this y-- wait, HE died?! Awwwwww! *sniff, sniff* I LOVE the In Memoriam!"

Drink when that person is Grandpa Joe.

Drink when everyone cheers extra for Whitney Houston because they will and fine, I'll let it happen because I can't stop it.

Drink when people act surprised that Disney•Pixar won the award.

Drink any time you involuntarily roll your eyes.

Drink when Sookie cries and so you start crying because you're best friends and you have a bond that shall not be broken.

Drink every time Dustin Hoffman is amazing.

Drink when an actor tries to make a joke off the cuff and it fails miserably.

Drink when an actor makes a joke and it fails miserably, but at home you're like, "BAH HA HA! Good one, Steve Martin."

Drink when an actress comes out from the back and you hold your breath. Not because of her beauty, but because you're terrified that if anyone breathes, she might trip on her train.

Drink when someone makes a joke about Tom Hanks and they cut to him and he immediately goes along with the joke and suddenly you're pregnant.

Likewise Aunt Meryl.

Drink when the music cuts in on the second guy and he just wants to thank his wife and kids so you feel bad for him, but also get off the damn stage, there are actors to look at.

Drink each time you ponder the fact that if actors are terrible at reading teleprompters, then WHO IS GOOD AT IT.

Drink whenever you really want someone to win and then some schmo gets it instead and they're on stage crying happy tears and this is a pivotal moment in their lives and you're sitting at home throwing popcorn at the screen yelling "Oh boo hoo, you no-talent CLOWN."

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you're like "Oh, right, this show technically has a host. Why is this supposed to be such a hard job again?"

Drink when they finally finish off with Best Film but they spent so long on sound design and cinematography that you're worn out and don't remember why you started on this grand adventure in the first place.


Any others I missed? Comment with your own! Especially if you've seen the movies this year and know more about how this is going to go down than I do.

Fantastic.

It has been well-documented that I haven't seen many movies, I've just seen a FEW movies MANY times. Can I repeat every word to Titanic? Of course. But only tape #1. (Tape #2 was the sinking. That would be awkward to have memorized. And yes, I'm old enough to have watched Titanic on VHS. DEAL.)

But there are tons of movies that I've just never seen. It took me 5 years to finally watch The Matrix. And if you remember the leather-shrouded feelings people had about The Matrix when it came out, five years is an INTENSE amount of time to not know the difference between the red and blue pills.

A lot of movies I missed were 80's and 90's classics that I avoided because I was either too young to see them, or too scared--let's be honest. I never saw Braveheart because I heard they ripped his guts out while he was still alive (Finally saw it, closed my eyes.) I still haven't seen Fargo because of the wood chipper scene. I KNOW, IT'S FARCE. I'll see it! I'll see it! GOD.

So when Joe and I started dating, he went through his mental rolodex of movies I haven't seen (And no, I'm NOT old enough to have owned a rolodex, DEAL.) Then we added those movies into Netflix, and dubbed them "boy movies". Because sometimes apparently I'm not very feministic. In the past few years, I've been slowly knocking them down one by one. Field of Dreams. The Godfather. Top Gun. The kinds of movies that, when I admit I haven't seen them, cause people to clutch their pearls in horror. Even boys. ESPECIALLY boys, frankly.

When we started our Netflix Crusade, I took notes on the thoughts I had while I watched. But the notes weren't really calling out to me. So I lazily never blogged about them and let them float away from my mind. Now I find it hard to remember which explosions happened in Mission: Impossible and which happened in Speed.

But yesterday I was made aware of an amazing, amazing little movie review of You've Got Mail by Anne T. Donahue. You can find it on Hello Giggles. And yes, there are two more reviews. And yes, I believe it will be an ongoing series. YOU'RE WELCOME.

What I'm trying to say here is: bitch stole my idea. And what I'm trying to say by that is: this hilarious woman did what I could not. And I'm jealous. And I want to awkwardly hold her hand.

Mostly because she made this:


I MAY have reposted that image onto every media outlet I could get a hold of, including taping it inside printed newspapers.

But also, her Pinterest (OH YES MY STALKER LEVEL HAS GONE THERE) has this:


Not only is Tom Hanks the only image in her "Babes" board, but it's the T.Hanks image that I hold so dearly to my heart.

I mean, it's not like the girl has a monopoly on humorous movie reviews. I think we all know Gene Siskel still holds the title for those. (I kid. None of us knows who Gene Siskel is. Except my dad, who was DEVASTATED by the loss. ANYWAY.) So I could still write some. But now I feel like they would just be a sad, weepy version of this masterful You've Got Mail one. I feel like a toddler who throws a temper tantrum for having a toy taken away that was never actually hers.

Wow. I started writing this to tell you about my original plan of reviewing "boy movies" and it's really just devolved into a love letter to Anne. I'm fine with it. But I'm also going to go (So I can stalk her more, perhaps?? No no no no. .....yes.)

Who I Think Will Win The Emmys

Well the Emmy noms have been announced and I know you're all wondering, "Yes, but what does EMILY think about all this?" Because, yeah. I should be your go-to for all things celebrity. I know SO VERY MUCH about them and the lives they lead. Oh, the things I know. My stars.

In all seriousness you might find my opinions about as necessary to your life as stories about where Freddie Prinze Jr. is now (Actually...wait a minute. Where IS that guy?! Bad analogy, now I find myself INCREDIBLY concerned about the whereabouts of FPJ.)

But it's my blog. And in the wise words of Cartman, I do what I want. So here we go!

BEST DRAMA SERIES: Boardwalk Empire, Friday Night Lights, Dexter, Game of Thrones, The Good Wife, Mad Men.

I don't watch any of these shows, but if B.E. is the show that's supposed to knock Mad Men off its high horse, so be it.

BEST COMEDY SERIES: Modern Family, 30 Rock, Glee, The Office, The Big Bang Theory, Parks and Recreation.

Except for the BBT (CBS shows and I...we just don't get along), I watch all of these shows with a blind fervor. And while I loves me some Office, anyone who actually watches Thursday TV should know that in 2011, Community, which wasn't even nominated, was head and shoulders above the Office and that is a scientific fact.

DRAMA ACTRESS: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife; Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU; Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law; Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights and Mireille Enos, The Killing.

Elisabeth Moss, you're not all that with your short bangs and your lipstick ads (okay, fine, I haven't watched Mad Men since Season 2 and I have no idea what's going on in that show even though I am in Advertising and should definitely watch it. GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT IT, WHAT ARE YOU, MY DENTIST? I'LL FLOSS WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY TO FLOSS. Is it so wrong to want Kathy Bates to win because you think she'd be the kind of straight-talking aunt who tells it like it is and isn't afraid to tell off your new boyfriend at Christmas when she finds out he has no plans after college? IS IT?) Oh my God, where am I?


COMEDY ACTRESS: Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation; Laura Linney, The Big C; Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope; Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly.

Oh but Melissa McCarthy! Sookie. I love you. I even love you when you are pooping in a sink, THAT is how much I love you. But Amy Poehler winning an Emmy is as close as I will ever get to winning an Emmy.

DRAMA ACTOR: Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire; Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Hugh Laurie, House; Timothy Olyphant, Justified.

Whatever you want, Jon Hamm. I'll just....it doesn't...whatever I can do to make you happy. You look like Superman.

COMEDY ACTOR: Steve Carell, The Office; Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; Jim Parsons, Big Bang Theory; Matt LeBlanc, Episodes, Louis C.K., Louie; Johnny Galecki, Big Bang Theory.

Although I think it would be awesome if Louis C.K. won it, The Emmys has become as predictable as an SVU episode. So yes, I think Michael's last season will win him the Emmy. Also, aw! Joey! *Pats Matt LeBlanc on his now-silver head*


SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTOR: Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age; John Slattery, Mad Men; Alan Cumming, The Good Wife; Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones; Josh Charles, The Good Wife; Walton Goggins, Justified.

One time I had a dream about some actor but I couldn't even remember his name or what he was in, I just remembered he was the guy who kind of looked like Pee Wee Herman. Joe suggested "Alan Cumming" and I realized that was it. We went out to breakfast. Who was on the TV at the restaurant? Alan Cumming. That is all.

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTOR: Ty Burrell, Modern Family; Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family; Ed O’Neill, Modern Family; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family; Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men; Chris Colfer, Glee.

I don't know guys...I just have a feeling about this one. And can I get a HECK YES to the Modern Family love? *does the Baby Mama exercise ball "Oooh-OOOOOOH!"* Oh my God, I can't even talk about OTHER CATEGORIES without mentioning Amy Poehler.

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTRESS: Julie Bowen, Modern Family; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family; Jane Lynch, Glee; Betty White, Hot in Cleveland; Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live; Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock.

Was that...was that a question?
But GOD I seriously want to awkwardly hold hands with ALL these women.

SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTRESS: Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife; Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire; Christine Baranski, The Good Wife; Michelle Forbes, The Killing; Margo Martindale, Justified; Christina Hendricks, Mad Men.

She deserves some recognition besides "YOWZA, HAVE YOU SEEN THE GAZONGAS ON THAT THING?!" But I also want her to become a spokeswoman against Victoria's Secret

MOVIE OR MINISERIES: Mildred Pierce, HBO; Downtown Abbey, PBS; The Kennedys, ReelzChannel; Cinema Verite, HBO; Too Big To Fail, HBO; Pillars of the Earth, Starz.

I don't know...whatever. I don't mess with Scientologists. I have seen their Hollywood compound.

REALITY COMPETITION: So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, The Amazing Race, American Idol, Dancing With the Stars, Project Runway.

My biggest reason for choosing this show is because I am currently very hungry. But it's also the only show of these that doesn't make me do the Liz Lemon eye roll.


REALITY HOST: Jeff Probst, Survivor; Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance; Phil Keoghan, Amazing Race; Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars; Ryan Seacrest, American Idol.

Tom Bergeron, you will NEVER be Bob Saget. NEVER. (wait for it) NEVER. That's all I wanted to say. Otherwise whatever. Because WHY is this an actual Emmy category? Who cares??

VARIETY, MUSIC, OR COMEDY SERIES: The Colbert Report, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live, Conan, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Again, just a feeling. Don't have a good reason. I just gots me that tingly feeling about it.

Okay, that is all. Anyone want to fight me about it? What are your opinions? Who do you want to win? I want to know!

I Hate Quentin Tarantino.

There. I said it. And now you're just going to have to deal with it.

Hating Quentin Tarantino now puts my list of Things I Hate That Everyone Else Loves up to three. We all have our own lists. Adrienne hates peppers.

My own list:
1. Sushi
2. Johnny Depp
3. Quentin Tarantino

Here's the thing: I don't have a good reason to hate Johnny Depp. More, my feelings are really those of indifference. But it's the fact that everyone else wants to make out with the boy so furiously that makes me hate him so.

But my hatred for Quentin is true, and it is deep. I came to my realization about QT only Saturday night after having watched Pulp Fiction for the first time (Joe is catching me up on my list of Guy Movies It's Weird I've Never Seen. And, yes, Kill Bill is also still on that list.) After watching Pulp Fiction, Joe and Monica started expounding on what is supposed to be in the briefcase, and it might be the one guy's soul, and such-and-such is supposed to be God and that part's Heaven, and this guy's an angel and blah blah whatever.

I didn't want to hear it. And not because I don't think movies can have deeper meanings. PLEASE. I took film classes in college. I know what's up. But I just. Hate. Quentin. Tarantino. And I don't think that he had a deeper level of meaning. I think he just made the briefcase mysterious because he likes to mess with people's minds. Done.

Here is why I hate Quentin Tarantino:

1) The permanent snarl. I want you all to look through this series of pictures and then not punch the person next to you in the face.






It's like a mix between "Someone at the gym farted but it wasn't me so I'm going to make it obvious that I find that smell repulsive" and the look people give in movies when the Asshole says something funny-but-mean so the hero smiles ironically for a second and then roundhouses them in the face.

2) The snark. Now, I know as the Queen of Snark I shouldn't be upset by this, but you guys have to watch this.



How does this man not make you grit your teeth? Specifically, listen at about 1:20 (try not to get distracted by Jeff Bridges' majesty like I did) when the interviewer is all "everyone wants to work with you" and Quentin Tarantino's response is, "Oh really, bitch?! I hadn't noticed that people think I'm great. Why don't you get out of my FACE." Also, REALLY you DJed an Oscars pre-party? YEAH? REALLY?

I will cut you.

3) His general douchey/dude-bro/entitled attitude. I mean, come on! He acts like a Cubs fan at the Cubby Bear after a win! Isn't that enough for you people? Was Kill Bill realllllly that amazing that you're willing to just forgive the man for being LIKE A CUBS FAN AT THE CUBBY BEAR AFTER A WIN?

Well? ARE YOU?

Grammy Thoughts I Can't Keep to Myself

I jumped up and grabbed my 3D glasses for THAT? Also, I know what I said about Killer Whales not being scary, but seriously I need some warning before you just throw one of those into my living room.

Mos Def and Jay Z are both adorable. They should rap about how I want to pat them on the head.

Quentin Tarantino...stop that.

Is anyone else as ecstatic as I am that Eminem is back? Between him and Britney, it's like I just traveled back in time to Freshman year in high school, and I am in no way upset about that. As long as I, in turn, do not have to start wearing butterfly clips again.

Here's my shpeel about TSwift: I love her. I have no knowledge about what makes a song technically good. I mean, she's catchy, and I of course appreciate that. But what I love is that there is a female singer that is making songs that young girls can actually relate to. Because I don't care if white middle class tweens ACTUALLY have real problems. The fact is, the girl who sat across from me at lunch committed suicide when she was 13. So it doesn't matter what you SHOULD feel when you're young. It matters how you do feel. And Taylor Swift gives girls a healthy, angsty outlet. And I love her for that.

[Edit after watching some YouTube the next day] Hearing Elton John sing "How wonderful life is, with Lady Gaga in the world" might have been the gayest moment of my life. Amazing.

9 Golden Globe Thoughts For Adrienne, Laura, Michelle, and You.

1) Aunt. Meryl.

2) Thank God for Glee and Modern Family. Can we all agree: 30 Rock is great, now let's stop giving them awards.

3) Can I just have a life-sized poster of Reese Witherspoon in that blue dress?


When she showed up on stage, I think I looked at her the same way I look at these brownies. (May I just say, it took me eighty thousand hours to find that picture. Why? Was the dress not froofy enough?)

4) Hello, Mariah Carey's boobs. Haven't seen you in a few minutes. Glad you're doing well.

5) Kate Winslet? You are...I can't...I want to...*pets Kate Winslet*

6) Amy Adams is pregnant? This is the kind of news I feel I should have known, but apparently I haven't been reading the covers of magazines in line at the grocery store for the past few months.

7) Ricky Gervais. Let's have a marriage. Let's have a marriage license.

8) YIKES. James Cameron's wife. The years have not treated her nicely since she was the old lady's granddaughter in Titanic.

9) You can take the Fergie out of the meth lab but you can't take the meth lab out of the Fergie.

A Year In Review

Wow. Another year down, 91 more to go. I've decided that I have a new goal, and that is to live to 116 and be able to say I lived in 3 different centuries. Although by the time I'm 116 I don't imagine I'll know what's going on around me anymore. But I'll be in the futuristic newspapers, and that's what's important.

2009. Two...thousand...nine. Sigh. 2009 was like this girl I used to work with who was always nice to me so I could never technically complain, but somehow I always got the feeling that she was a mean bitch who was out to get me. That was 2009.

I lost my job and never found a new one (that's that mean bitch part), but I had a lot of fun this year, made a lot of friends, and also managed to snag a boy that people actually approve of. Which is apparently a huge accomplishment for me. I consider myself a smart girl, but when it comes to picking boys... Are you chauvinistic? Drunk? Jealous? Live on the other side of the world? Well hand me an oar and let's get this sinking ship a-rowin'!

But that's all changed now. And, while the job thing is not-so-much, I feel like I've still come somewhere. I know who I am much better, and I like where and who I am. Right before I went to write this post, I found this quote:

"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it." --Maya Angelou

Ms. Angelou, welcome to my honorary extended family.
REVISED LIST:
Aunt Meryl Streep
Uncle Rick Steves
Grandpa Carl Reiner
Grandma Maya Angelou

ANYWAY, Grandma Maya Angelou is right. I especially think this because her quote means I am successful. Phew. Thank God.

I believe when I look back on 2009 in the future, I will remember it as a good year. Especially if I can find a job that makes this yearlong break worth it. And that is still to be seen.

TOMORROW: Looking Ahead to 2010, or, Holy Shit Things Are About To Change.