T.Hanks

My friend Erin always said that life goes in circles. Sometimes you’re at the top, sometimes you’re at the bottom.

This was right after college, when everyone was at the bottom of their circles. Because, let’s face it, immediately post-college is a black hole of suckiness. Sorry, Hannah. But her point was to look up, because eventually you'll be at the top again. You can’t stay in the Pit Of Despair forever.

I’ve just come up from the bottom and I’m sitting at the top of a really big circle. It might be my first authentic Top Of The Circle moment. I’ve got a job that I love which keeps my writing chops honed, I have a boy so amazing that he secretly signed me up for an all-day “Television Puppetry” class taught by a Muppeteer, and I’m living in a city with endless possibilities for entertainment. I have real, actual hobbies that aren’t “hanging out with friends” and “drinking” (although I still enjoy both of those greatly) and I have a cat whose favorite pastime is cuddling…immediately after pooping. Hey, you can’t have everything.

I’m sure I won’t be at the top of this circle forever. Call it pessimism or realism, but if the circle theory is correct, eventually you have to dip back down. So while I’m still up here, I want to enjoy it as best as I can. And part of that is going to be letting go of the blog, at least for now. Posts usually take me an hour at best--the good ones much longer--and I want to give over that time to other things, like fostering my relationship with Joe, enjoying the city and the sunlight, and using my writing energy to help my work become a thriving business.

So I want to say thank you to everyone who followed along, whether loudly or quietly. This blog is literally why I’m in the good place I’m in now, and you forced me to stay at it. Don’t be surprised to see blog posts pop up now and then, and maybe in full force again one day. For now, I'll just say: see you later.

To Those Who Made Me Feel Worthless:

To those who laid me off,

To those who threw me under the bus during meetings,

To those who ignored second and third emails,

To those who underpaid me,

To those who insinuated that I don't work hard,

To those who wouldn't help when they could have,

To those who said I wasn't good enough,

To those who couldn't see my value,


I kindly invite you to SUCK IT. Because I'm hired full-time for a kick-ass job and it's BETTER THAN YOURS.

Regina Phalange: The Heart Of A Champion

A few weeks ago, I took Regina Phalange to the vet. I should have taken her around last June, but there was this whole thing called Looming & Subsequent Unemployment that kept me from doing it.

And since this isn't a blog about my cat (good god) I will skip ahead to tell you that I FINALLY took her this month and she has a mouth disease called Stomatitis which is apparently very painful. Poor little Gee Gee Kittenface Meowington McMeowMix. (Which is basically what I actually call her. It's faster.)

She went in for surgery this morning and the vet called to say she survived it, the champ! He took out about half her teeth, but left her ferocious canines so she can still instill fear into all who dare cross her. Technically, they don't know the cause or cure to stomatitis (and yet we put a man on the moon 40 years ago but WHATEVARRR) so the surgery--which was NOT free--may actually have done nothing for her. And she'll have to be on pain medication for the rest of her life.

But I believe in Regina. You know why?



That's why.

Women In Politics

I have something semi-serious to talk about. Sorry, I assume you came here thinking I'd be talking about Aunt Meryl at the Oscars, but I have an issue I'd like to bring up which I've been thinking about since Saturday. But Meryl would be proud of my seriousness. If it helps, imagine I'm in a sparkling gold dress and wearing turtle shell frames while we discuss.



AHEM.

Ladies and their periods--AM I RIGHT?

Just kidding. So I want to talk about women in politics. In a VERY general way, because if there are two things I know nothing about, it is politics and the people who care about them.

Joe and I just watched Ides of March. The one with the Clooney/Gosling half face. You know. So the premise of the movie--no spoilers--is that Clooney is a politician trying to become president, there is backstabbing and secrets, and things get real.

When the movie was over, I turned to Joe and made this observation:

All these characters are men. And they all lie and hurt each other and say all these really abrasively rude things to each other. They sneak around and do whatever it takes to win. But because they're men, it'll all just blow over eventually. They may hate each other inside but in general it's all, "OH WELL! C'est la vie! What are you gunna do? It is what it is. Six of one. Sleeping dogs. Don't count your chickens. ETC." And they'd all probably work with each other again. It's like there's no such thing as a burned bridge.

But I don't believe that's how women would work. After all the bad things happened, women would be mortal enemies, sworn to hate each other until the day they die. They couldn't work with each other! They'd barely be able to be in the same room as one another. MAYBE they'd be able to grin and bear it, but it would NEVER be water under the bridge. They would carry those transgressions with them to the GRAVE.

Hell, I myself got into a fight with one of my best friends about whether or not she was being passive aggressive, and it completely tore us apart.

I'm not saying that either way is right. I'm just making an observation about how the two genders deal with conflict. And with the way that politics works, with its inherent back stabbing, degrading speak, and coercion, maybe the reason there are so few women in politics is because they just don't play that way.

What do you guys think?

Meryl On Ice

I shared this video with Hannah, but once again this is something that the world needs to experience. I don't think you understand JUST how much I love this clip.



A) Aunt Meryl. Because she literally can do anything.

B) Jason Sudeikis. I can't. This video has OFFICIALLY put him on the Famous Men I Would Marry list. In fact, he might replace Ed Helms. Who I love, but I think he's better suited for another person (COUGHMichelleCOUGH).

That's all. Just watch and enjoy.

Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Oh my God, I am SO SORRY. That was a serious blog break there and trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you. Work turned into a crazy storm of crazy. So remember how I have a contract-to-hire job through March (and then hopefully for the rest of our lives)? And how it's a mobile app company? Well the app is launching this week and needed to be submitted to the app store last Friday. Which means the last two weeks have been like this:


But now things are hopefully going to move at a SLIGHTLY slower pace and I should be home before bedtime and able to write posts now and again. Since I've been so absent, I literally had to send Joe away on Saturday so I could spend some time "catching up on the internet." Blogs are unread, Tumblr animated gifs are unseen...hell, I barely had time to watch Parks and Rec twice. (Which I did. Because some things are important to me and it's not my real life.)

So my first entry back is a fun one. While I've been away, I've been thinking about the upcoming Oscars this Sunday. I'm really quite excited, despite the fact that I haven't seen 99% of the movies. But it's the OSCARS. It's going to be a SPECTACLE. Also, Billy Crystal is back. And I'm pumped, even though I'm sure people will get all pissy and say he's not as good as he was. These are the same people who say, "The Super bowl commercials weren't as good this year." EVERY FREAKING YEAR.

YOU SAY THIS EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR.

Ahem. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. On to the topic at hand. The Academy Awards. To prove my excitement about the event, I have formulated my own special drinking game. Here we go.



Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Drink when someone at home says, "Jeez, what's with all the women wearing [color] this year?"

Drink when an actress is wearing crazy jewelry that makes you angry at first but then five minutes later you love it.

Drink when Sigourney Weaver is wearing a one-strap dress.

Drink when no one mentions that Melissa McCarthy played the unstoppable Sookie St. James and you start feeling very possessive of your Melissa McCarthy. YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIKE I DO.

Drink for every man wearing some alternative suit like anyone cares. (bolo ties, maroon jacket, black shirt, etc).

Drink when you see Daniel Day Lewis' suit and it makes you question his real life.

Drink when Brad Pitt looks terrible because his hair or beard are grown out

Drink when you decide that deep down and despite it all, you'd make out with him anyway.

Drink when you realize the only dress you can pull off is Helen Mirren's and even then...no.

Drink when they do some kind if montage with classic movies and you spend the whole time trying to remember what the song is in the background and it turns out to be the theme to Dragonheart. (Or possibly Last of the Mohicans, but really, it's probably Dragonheart. 1:40. Trust me.)

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you start weeping for days past, even though you are only in your twenties.

Drink when Billy Crystal looks at someone he knows in the audience and smiles like a kindly grandfather.

Drink when they start off with Supporting Actress and you're all, "Oh so I guess we're just starting this thing right away. No big deal, supporting actresses aren't people, too. They don't need time to collect themselves."

Drink whether or not Sookie wins. Either way you're going to need a drink for this moment.


Drink every time they list a nominee and you say, "Who?"

Drink when someone thanks Harvey Weinstein and you say, "Why?"

Drink when someone says something abrasively Liberal and you're like UGH but really you technically agree with them.

Drink when they do the In Memoriam and you're like, "Wow this is lame this y-- wait, HE died?! Awwwwww! *sniff, sniff* I LOVE the In Memoriam!"

Drink when that person is Grandpa Joe.

Drink when everyone cheers extra for Whitney Houston because they will and fine, I'll let it happen because I can't stop it.

Drink when people act surprised that Disney•Pixar won the award.

Drink any time you involuntarily roll your eyes.

Drink when Sookie cries and so you start crying because you're best friends and you have a bond that shall not be broken.

Drink every time Dustin Hoffman is amazing.

Drink when an actor tries to make a joke off the cuff and it fails miserably.

Drink when an actor makes a joke and it fails miserably, but at home you're like, "BAH HA HA! Good one, Steve Martin."

Drink when an actress comes out from the back and you hold your breath. Not because of her beauty, but because you're terrified that if anyone breathes, she might trip on her train.

Drink when someone makes a joke about Tom Hanks and they cut to him and he immediately goes along with the joke and suddenly you're pregnant.

Likewise Aunt Meryl.

Drink when the music cuts in on the second guy and he just wants to thank his wife and kids so you feel bad for him, but also get off the damn stage, there are actors to look at.

Drink each time you ponder the fact that if actors are terrible at reading teleprompters, then WHO IS GOOD AT IT.

Drink whenever you really want someone to win and then some schmo gets it instead and they're on stage crying happy tears and this is a pivotal moment in their lives and you're sitting at home throwing popcorn at the screen yelling "Oh boo hoo, you no-talent CLOWN."

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you're like "Oh, right, this show technically has a host. Why is this supposed to be such a hard job again?"

Drink when they finally finish off with Best Film but they spent so long on sound design and cinematography that you're worn out and don't remember why you started on this grand adventure in the first place.


Any others I missed? Comment with your own! Especially if you've seen the movies this year and know more about how this is going to go down than I do.

Busy Time For Emily

So to make up for it, I'll just remind you that this still exists in your life:



You're welcome.