The Business of Being Nauseated

I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking.

Due to rain and other cancellations, my busy day yesterday turned into a lot of me scanning my apartment for things to do. My eyes landed on Netflix streaming, as they do. I decided it was finally time to watch one of my instant documentaries I put on my list with the best of intentions. You know the kind. "Oh, it sounds so interesting! It's a tribute by the director to his murdered childhood friend!" But then a year later you still haven't watched it and you realize...when am I EVER going to be in the mood to watch that??

So it goes with this documentary I watched last night. It was produced by Ricki Lake. I mean, I don't think I need to add anything else, but I'll go on just in case that somehow did not convince you that this was a great idea. It was called "The Business of Being Born". I thought it was going to be about how insanely expensive baby stuff is and how they're trying to convince us to buy all this stuff but really all we need is our own breasticles and the baby will be fine.

So yes, I knew there would be babies involved. And while I am not about to have a child, I found the idea interesting. I have a niece, I think of these things. Very Fahrenheit 911 but with babies and consumerism.

Well let me tell you. This was not what the movie was about AT ALL. It was, in fact, about how women should not have babies in hospitals and we have it all wrong, and the women of northern Europe (the place where people always doing everything RIGHT, apparently) are using midwives and having babies the right way and they are not dying like apparently women in the US are.



THINGS I LEARNED FROM THIS DOCUMENTARY:

1. Laying on your back with your knees to your ears is a terrible way to have a baby. It makes your pelvis smaller and makes it hurt way more. (Ich...bleck)

2. The epidural takes away pain but slows down the process so they add a different drug to speed it up, which brings the pain higher so they add more epidural which slows it down and they add the other drug and eventually your baby is like "EFF THIS NOISE" and gets very upset and you end up having to get a cesarean.

3. Having a baby is an INSANE process and whoever thought it up needs to have their BRAIN CHECKED.

I'm not really that squeamish about babies being born. Which is weird because I can't even watch fake people being fake cut open on Grey's Anatomy. But pull that baby out all white and covered in goo with a slimy chord attached to his stomach and I sit there, unblinking into the night.

But MY GOD, there were at least 6 babies born in this movie to show the process of at-home births and how "beautiful" it is and what not and like....CHRIST. One woman did it while squatting on the floor. ON THE FLOOR.

In the end, they've got me thinking about it. The most I'd ever thought about myself possibly delivering a baby was "let's avoid that whole situation as much as possible." But they bring up some very good arguments and now I've turned into another crunchy hippie, ready to climb into the bathtub and focus on my breathing. When the time comes, of course.

For anyone who is not squeamish about babies and is curious about what the deal is with midwives OR wants to see a lot of nekkid pregnant ladiez, check it out. But if you want an exposé on formula like I did and the idea of a newnewnewborn makes your insides feel like they're on your outsides...maybe sit this one out.