Grammy Thoughts I Can't Keep to Myself

I jumped up and grabbed my 3D glasses for THAT? Also, I know what I said about Killer Whales not being scary, but seriously I need some warning before you just throw one of those into my living room.

Mos Def and Jay Z are both adorable. They should rap about how I want to pat them on the head.

Quentin Tarantino...stop that.

Is anyone else as ecstatic as I am that Eminem is back? Between him and Britney, it's like I just traveled back in time to Freshman year in high school, and I am in no way upset about that. As long as I, in turn, do not have to start wearing butterfly clips again.

Here's my shpeel about TSwift: I love her. I have no knowledge about what makes a song technically good. I mean, she's catchy, and I of course appreciate that. But what I love is that there is a female singer that is making songs that young girls can actually relate to. Because I don't care if white middle class tweens ACTUALLY have real problems. The fact is, the girl who sat across from me at lunch committed suicide when she was 13. So it doesn't matter what you SHOULD feel when you're young. It matters how you do feel. And Taylor Swift gives girls a healthy, angsty outlet. And I love her for that.

[Edit after watching some YouTube the next day] Hearing Elton John sing "How wonderful life is, with Lady Gaga in the world" might have been the gayest moment of my life. Amazing.

New Look! Same Great Formula!

A new look for my blog! Yes, gone is the day of that damn lime green background. It was getting to me.

Apologies if any of you checked in on me in the past few hours. You probably got an eyeful of my haphazard first (eighty) attempts to get this right.

I'm not sure that the new look says, "Read this! It's funny stuff!" But...polka dots, guys. Polka dots. And I think every other blog in the world out there is written by mommy bloggers (Drink if she mentions her wonderful husband in her 'about me' section!) So I guess they're the key demographic for pre-made blog backgrounds, and "cute" was all I could find.

Have a marvelous weekend, kids, and I'll catch you all on Monday.

Why I Might Be Fired From Volunteering

I have been a volunteering machine these last few months, plugging along, not complaining and keeping a bright shiny smile on my face.

And really, I do love it. I volunteer with little kids all over the place, and I'm good at it. I swear. But now I need to get something off my chest. This is something that happened on Wednesday while I was tutoring.

So the way that this place works is: the tutors all come in at 3pm and sit at these large tables. As the kids filter in, one of the leaders bring them to a tutor that they think will be a good match.

I was tutoring this silent-but-deadly girl, we'll call her Jacki. Jacki was quiet. Hardly said a word. But she was really amazing at not getting any work done. She was like a freaking Houdini, too. I swear, I turned my back for one second and she managed to wriggle under the table and across the room. Freaking magical, this girl. So for an hour and a half it was me saying, "Okay, Jacki. What's next? Jacki. Howabout this problem? What's 2 times 4, Jacki?...Jacki...Where did you go? Jacki, get down from that light fixture."

When Jacki was almost done, they placed another student with me. We'll call him Alex. Alex is the nicest boy you'll meet. He hated me. Alex was a talker--the boy who always probably gets his name written on the board with a check mark after it. You know what I'm talking about. To Alex, tutors are just more people to talk to! Hooray! Oh, but here's forty mixed fractions I have to do.

So I've got the Talker on one side and Jacki Houdini on the other, and neither of them will sit still for one second without me breathing on them. Thank God I'd just brushed my teeth. I don't want to be THAT tutor.

I promised Alex that if he finished his fractions, I'd go steal him an Oreo from the back room. Because, yeah. I'm that cool. This got him back to work, so I turned to Jacki. When I turned back to check on him, Alex is at another table, talking to a tutor about cat hair.

Eventually, another tutor took it upon herself to try and harness Alex into working. She did this by asking him how to do the problem he was working on (the same problem he had been working on since he arrived, by the way). Alex showed her part of it, and then she finished the rest for him. So he copies her answer down in his workbook and she congratulates him. "Thanks for showing me how to do that problem! Here's a cracker."

WHAT THE HELL, LADY. Here I am, being a normal--albeit stressed--tutor, keeping Alex's nose to the grindstone and trying to get him through one answer. And now YOU come in, give him the answer and then usurp my prize?! Awesome. That'll really give me the points I need to--- Op. Oh, no. Jacki has broken free and is now dangling from a bookshelf.

Eventually it was time to go. Alex had done MAYBE two problems, but at least Jacki hadn't broken her nose?

I'm sorry, I'm aware this post is kind of lame and confusing. I just needed an outlet to share my frustration, since the entire situation was such a failblog dot com. Backslash volunteering.

As I Recall: The Man Who Used Fructis

Alright. I’ve decided not to go in sequential order for my Bible Recaps. Even though the OCD side of me is VERY upset about this, trying to go from front to back is giving me facial spasms.

SO! What story do I do next? Well, I’m sticking with an Old Testament story, which coincides with me being allegedly Jewish. I’m going wiiiiiiith…..(awkward Michael Scott drum roll) Brrrrrrrrrrrrr……

SAMSON!


So first of all, I need to admit something. I’ve never seen Field of Dreams. I’ve never seen The Godfather. I’ve never seen Rocky. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard the story of Samson front to back. What is wrong with you?! What kind of life have you led?! I know. I know.

I KNOW.

So now I’m going to read the story of Samson before I review it. *Reading*…*Reading*… *Reading*…

Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh.

So it’s NOT SO MUCH with the peace and love. I always thought, “Oh, nice guy, long hair, strong...lovely woman. What else is there to know?” What ISN’T there to know, Emily Of The Past? What isn’t there?

Okay now. Let’s start with Samson’s birth. As any normal birth goes, Samson’s mother was having trouble conceiving, so the Lord went ahead and took care of that for her, sending an angel down to let her know. He told her not to drink any booze and not to cut the child’s hair...ever, because it was his connection with God or something. Seriously, why was Samson’s mother the ONLY one who was told not to wine it up while pregnant until, like, the 70s? I mean, if Mad Men has taught me anything (and it has), it’s that ladies in the 60s + fetuses + martinis = yes. But Samson’s mother, for “unknown” reasons was told not to drink of the vine. And thank God—literally—because that boy came out STRONG.

We’ve all seen at least four seconds of Supernanny, right? Where the parents are all Oh, I don’t want to discipline my child, I might hurt his feelings while the kid is screaming, “I WANT ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST, YOU BITCH!!!!” And the mom is wondering why her child hates her.

That is Samson. He was created by God for special things. And his parents treat him as such. So one day, Samson is putzing around near the Philistines, who currently rule over the Israelites (ooooof course) and he decides that some random Philistinian girl is super hot^max and wants her to be his wife. So he goes home and tells his parents straight up, “I met a girl, now make her mine, assholes.” And his parents are all “But, Darling. Wouldn’t you like to marry a nice Jewish girl? What about that girl Yentl? A nice girl, a good catch! True? True.”

But Samson will have none of it. So he goes back to town to talk to this girl. On the way over, what do you know, a lion jumps out at him. So Sampson “tore the lion apart barehanded as one might tear apart a kid.”

MASSIVE TIME OUT.

a. Holy shit. A lion. Which are like…what? At least twice the size of humans. And one of them is coming at you, so you just go J-Woww on it, attacking with zero thoughts of repercussions. Woww.
b. At first I read this as kid = child and there were so many terrible images in my head, let alone a whole new respect for the Bible, which compares ease of attack with children’s flesh. But then I realized they meant kid = baby goat.
c. WHO THE HELL CAN TEAR APART A GOAT BAREHANDED?!

TIME IN.

So Samson goes down to talk to this girl. And she pleases him. Well, that’s nice. I hope one day I can be “meh” enough for some guy to force me into marriage. So after a while, Samson goes back to marry this girl. Taking the same route, he passes the dead lion carcass (good times) and sees that bees have set up camp inside the lion, and they’ve made a bunch of honey. Normal. So Samson scoops out a handful of honey from the rotting, disgusting carcass and continues on to the ceremonies. When he gets to his parents, he gives them some. (“Hey, Mom and Dad! I’ve got a loose handful of honey! Want some?” “Sure, son! We will by no means find this weird or ask you where you got it. *Lick, lick*)

So then there’s this thing about a riddle that makes ZERO sense and, in the end, Samson kills a ton of Philistines, who in turn burn Samson’s wife to death. It’s some crazy stuff, trust me, but this post is getting lengthy, so I’m gunna move us along.

So now there are all sorts of eye-for-an-eye things going on between Samson and the Philistines. But eventually Samson’s own people are tired of it, and tie him up and bring him to the Philistines. Too bad none of them know about the whole lion debacle from earlier, because a few ropes are child’s play to Samson at this point. He rips off the rope and reaches for the fresh jawbone of a donkey (and, really, who hasn’t seen one of those lying around?) And he kills—-wait for it—-a thousand men. One thousand. Fezzik can only kill 10.

Samson, a little more brawn than brain, says: “With the jawbone of a donkey, I have slain a thousand men.” ...Provoking.

Now comes the parts about Samson that I recognize: Delilah and the pillars.

So Samson falls in love with this girl named Delilah. And the Philistines tell her that if she figures out how to overcome him, they’ll give her a bunch of money. So she asks him straight up, “Samson, how can you be bound?” Of course, Samson lies and tells her if they use this one kind of string, he won’t get free. So in the night, she ties him up with that string and then screams, “The Philistines are upon you!” And obviously Samson breaks free right away.

So at this point, if I know my man Samson, he would snap this girl’s neck and hightail it out of there. But instead, HE gets in trouble! I tell you, women and their wiles. So Delilah pouts, “You lied to me and mocked me! How rude! Now tell me the truth!!” And instead of smacking her across the face, Samson just tells her another lie. So she tries it, it fails, and she yells at him again. This happens like four times. FINALLY Samson is so tired from all the nagging (LOL aren’t we women just the worst?) that he actually tells her how to make him weak: cut off his hair. Double u. Tee. Eff. So, of course, she cuts off his hair and then calls in the Philistines. They throw money at her, and cart Samson away. Oh, AND they gouge out his eyes for good measure. Yay!!

Now the Philistines could finally rest easy because Samson had been defeated. But one day, all the high lords and ladies are celebrating and they call for Samson so they can be entertained by him. Because it ain’t a party until there’s a weak, pathetic guy with no eyes standing next to you, weeping.

Samson asks to be led toward the house’s large pillars so he can lean on them. Then he shoots up a quick message to God, asking God to pulse through his hair once more so that he can take revenge on his enemies. He puts one hand on each pillar, and God gives him the strength to push down both pillars, killing everyone at the party, including himself.

Ta-daa!!!! Now why wasn’t that story in Sunday School?

Best Of?

One new thing I'd like to add to my blog is a list of some Favorite Posts so far. They say it helps increase viewership. And as I've said before, being a middle child means that my goal in life is to get as much attention as possible from those who are averse to giving it.

So I feel like at this point, I've got enough posts to start telling people which ones to read (and which they can skip, let's be honest here.)

I was thinking, based on the reactions I've received from people:

1. As I recall: Moses
2. Feminism
3. Cheese Knives.

What do you think? Are there any more that strike you as good enough that if someone read that one--and only that one--that they'd want to keep reading more random things I say? Help a lonely, deranged, unemployed copywriter out.

I'm looking at YOU,
Sra M.
Laura M.
Erin R.
Kristin R.
Kim L.
Katie G.
Hannah S.
Sara G.
Margaret (Z)N.
and
Adrienne C. & Family

...God, I need to get more guy friends. Maybe I should stop making fun of sports so damn much. Well at least you, TOO:

Keith P.
and
Joe-P C.

Super Bowl 2010 Prediction: Who To Root For

Start placing your bets now, people. I have your scientific Super bowl prediction. With my MASSIVE knowledge of sports, I found it easy to weigh the pros and cons of this year’s Big Game. So here we go. Sports Center, eat your heart out.

PUMP UP NFL THEME:
DUN dun dun dunnnnnnn (BUM BUM, BUM BUM)

The Colts

I have family in Indy: +1

The Colts seem a little too satisfied with themselves: -1

But it’s Indiana. Give them some slack. They have nothing: +1

Which Manning is on this team? Who cares, someone has to stop them: -1

Their mascot is possibly the cutest mascot ever: +1

The Colts beat the Bears in 2007: -1,000,000


The Saints

At first I thought the Jets were playing and I was excited to sing West Side Story during the game. But it’s the Saints: -1

The city’s had it rough the past few years: +1

But still, at least they aren’t Indiana: -1

They have the shinier helmet: +1

Their mascot is a Saint Bernard. Not an actual saint. WTF: -1

Gumbo: +1


Final Tally
Colts: -999,999 Saints: 0

Looks like I’m rooting for the Saints! GooooOOOOOO SAINTS!



(added note: I love her, but seriously I kinda hope Liv Tyler dies right before the Super bowl to bring new meaning to "Super bowl X-LIV." Anyone? No one? Pff.)

The Emily Show

The cat's out of the bag. You can all stop pretending. I've figured it out, all on my own.



I am on The Emily Show, and you are all actors, paid to interact with me. CUT. HOUSE LIGHTS UP, PLEASE. SHE FIGURED US OUT. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Seriously, though, do you guys ever get that feeling? Like the other day, I walked into the gym and just a FEW too many people stopped and looked at me. And, trust me, this wasn't like a "whoah, she's hot" kind of issue. If you've ever seen me at the gym, you would understand this. I mean, I'll admit when I look hot. Last Friday? Smokin'. Every boy in the bar should have wanted to have my babies. But at the gym? Nooooooot so much. I mean, an oversized shirt with sweat stains, bright red nose and dark circles under my eyes? Helloooooo fellas.

Where was I? OH! The Emily Show. So anyway, I feel like this happens a lot, where people are paying just a LITTLE too much attention to me when I absolutely don't deserve it. It's like they know. It's like they just watched me this morning, dancing in my room with Charlie to Bad Romance, but they know they aren't allowed to recognize that fact to me. Because they are only supposed to be the person in front of me at Wendy's who ordered the Baconator Triple so the director can get a good shot of my horrified face.

Or whenever I raise my hand to ask a question, I feel like an absurd amount of people turn to look at me. I guess I know how to make my voice carry, which catches people off guard. OR they are all excited to have an excuse to turn and stare at the STAR OF THE EMILY SHOW.

And, come on now. WHO gets dumped in Paris? Me. I do. I get dumped in Paris. Because it made for a great season finale, perhaps?!?!?!?! You people are SICK. I'm going to steal a boat and float away from you all, despite the fact that my father was killed in the ocean and then brought back to life.

All I have to say is: wouldn't it be a GREAT ratings boost if I got a job? Aren't Sweeps coming up or something?