Monday, February 20, 2012

Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Oh my God, I am SO SORRY. That was a serious blog break there and trust me, it hurt me more than it hurt you. Work turned into a crazy storm of crazy. So remember how I have a contract-to-hire job through March (and then hopefully for the rest of our lives)? And how it's a mobile app company? Well the app is launching this week and needed to be submitted to the app store last Friday. Which means the last two weeks have been like this:

But now things are hopefully going to move at a SLIGHTLY slower pace and I should be home before bedtime and able to write posts now and again. Since I've been so absent, I literally had to send Joe away on Saturday so I could spend some time "catching up on the internet." Blogs are unread, Tumblr animated gifs are unseen...hell, I barely had time to watch Parks and Rec twice. (Which I did. Because some things are important to me and it's not my real life.)

So my first entry back is a fun one. While I've been away, I've been thinking about the upcoming Oscars this Sunday. I'm really quite excited, despite the fact that I haven't seen 99% of the movies. But it's the OSCARS. It's going to be a SPECTACLE. Also, Billy Crystal is back. And I'm pumped, even though I'm sure people will get all pissy and say he's not as good as he was. These are the same people who say, "The Super bowl commercials weren't as good this year." EVERY FREAKING YEAR.



Ahem. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it. On to the topic at hand. The Academy Awards. To prove my excitement about the event, I have formulated my own special drinking game. Here we go.

Emily's Oscars Drinking Game

Drink when someone at home says, "Jeez, what's with all the women wearing [color] this year?"

Drink when an actress is wearing crazy jewelry that makes you angry at first but then five minutes later you love it.

Drink when Sigourney Weaver is wearing a one-strap dress.

Drink when no one mentions that Melissa McCarthy played the unstoppable Sookie St. James and you start feeling very possessive of your Melissa McCarthy. YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIKE I DO.

Drink for every man wearing some alternative suit like anyone cares. (bolo ties, maroon jacket, black shirt, etc).

Drink when you see Daniel Day Lewis' suit and it makes you question his real life.

Drink when Brad Pitt looks terrible because his hair or beard are grown out

Drink when you decide that deep down and despite it all, you'd make out with him anyway.

Drink when you realize the only dress you can pull off is Helen Mirren's and even

Drink when they do some kind if montage with classic movies and you spend the whole time trying to remember what the song is in the background and it turns out to be the theme to Dragonheart. (Or possibly Last of the Mohicans, but really, it's probably Dragonheart. 1:40. Trust me.)

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you start weeping for days past, even though you are only in your twenties.

Drink when Billy Crystal looks at someone he knows in the audience and smiles like a kindly grandfather.

Drink when they start off with Supporting Actress and you're all, "Oh so I guess we're just starting this thing right away. No big deal, supporting actresses aren't people, too. They don't need time to collect themselves."

Drink whether or not Sookie wins. Either way you're going to need a drink for this moment.

Drink every time they list a nominee and you say, "Who?"

Drink when someone thanks Harvey Weinstein and you say, "Why?"

Drink when someone says something abrasively Liberal and you're like UGH but really you technically agree with them.

Drink when they do the In Memoriam and you're like, "Wow this is lame this y-- wait, HE died?! Awwwwww! *sniff, sniff* I LOVE the In Memoriam!"

Drink when that person is Grandpa Joe.

Drink when everyone cheers extra for Whitney Houston because they will and fine, I'll let it happen because I can't stop it.

Drink when people act surprised that Disney•Pixar won the award.

Drink any time you involuntarily roll your eyes.

Drink when Sookie cries and so you start crying because you're best friends and you have a bond that shall not be broken.

Drink every time Dustin Hoffman is amazing.

Drink when an actor tries to make a joke off the cuff and it fails miserably.

Drink when an actor makes a joke and it fails miserably, but at home you're like, "BAH HA HA! Good one, Steve Martin."

Drink when an actress comes out from the back and you hold your breath. Not because of her beauty, but because you're terrified that if anyone breathes, she might trip on her train.

Drink when someone makes a joke about Tom Hanks and they cut to him and he immediately goes along with the joke and suddenly you're pregnant.

Likewise Aunt Meryl.

Drink when the music cuts in on the second guy and he just wants to thank his wife and kids so you feel bad for him, but also get off the damn stage, there are actors to look at.

Drink each time you ponder the fact that if actors are terrible at reading teleprompters, then WHO IS GOOD AT IT.

Drink whenever you really want someone to win and then some schmo gets it instead and they're on stage crying happy tears and this is a pivotal moment in their lives and you're sitting at home throwing popcorn at the screen yelling "Oh boo hoo, you no-talent CLOWN."

Drink when Billy Crystal comes out and you're like "Oh, right, this show technically has a host. Why is this supposed to be such a hard job again?"

Drink when they finally finish off with Best Film but they spent so long on sound design and cinematography that you're worn out and don't remember why you started on this grand adventure in the first place.

Any others I missed? Comment with your own! Especially if you've seen the movies this year and know more about how this is going to go down than I do.

1 comment:

Hannah said...

Drink when someone mentions something along the lines of: "that Meryl Streep, they should just give everyone else in the category a handicap. Gush gush. But I can TELL they don't love her like I do and they didn't appreciate her performance in Mamma Mia.