Okay, fine. I’m no expert. I have no degrees or training in relationships. Hmm, what would that look like? Girlfriend 101: Be Nice...Girlfriend 350: Dealing With Farts?
But I do think I have some idea about how to snag a fella. Not only have I done it, but I have also done it WRONG many, many times. Which means I have learned. I have done just about everything that ACTUAL relationship experts tell you not to do. And I have taken those learnings and put together my own list of the ten basic things you need to be able to do if you want to make your man fall desperately, madly, slightly embarrassingly in love with you.
Of course, this is assuming you’ve found a guy who’s worth falling in love with. Don’t just pick some schmo off the street and try these tactics out. That’d be creepy. I don’t want any of you citing me on Cops, because I will NOT defend you.
All I’m going for here is this: maybe you’re really good at snagging guys. Whether they fawn over you at the bar, or you have some kind of award-winning OK Cupid profile, you’ve figured out how to make a gentleman raise one eyebrow and stroke his beard. But maybe you have a harder time holding onto them. For some mysterious reason, they just don’t make it past the 1 or 2 or 6 month mark. Well, here’s what I’m thinking:
10 STEPS TO MAKING A MAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
1. Don't make him do lame stuff.
Don’t take him shopping. Don’t drag him to movies with Jennifer Aniston or Ashton Kutcher. Don’t make him sit in the corner while you and your girl friends scream “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” at karaoke. Go do your girl thing and leave him at home. You’ll both be happier.
2. Speak up.
If there is one phrase that is unanimously hated among boys, it is “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” Buck up. Make a decision. The great thing about guys is, they don’t have secret hidden layers like girls do. They tell you what they want, and they tell you what they don’t want. I know, right? It’s baffling. As the great Kelly Kapoor once said, “I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?” But it’s not a game! They’re just that low-maintenance! And all they want in return is for us to be blunt and honest when we know that we want to get a burrito and go dancing. Or eat a burrito, buy some Maalox and rent Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls.
3. Make him a sandwich, woman.
I’m not saying you should be his slave. But when he’s at your place, be a good hostess. Offer him a soda. Grill him up some cheese. Show him that you’re a giver. Then when you’re at HIS place, he can make you things. Because relationships are a give and take. Just because you make him a meal does not mean that you’ve lost the Women’s Rights battle. If you expect him to always bring YOU presents and give YOU massages and buy YOU meals, you’re going to see a boyfriend-shaped puff of smoke where he once stood. So grab a palm frond, peel some grapes, and show some love.
4. Realize when you've been talking for an hour.
The easiest way to figure out how much you’ve been talking is at a restaurant: If he has practically finished his chicken carbonara and your meatballs are untouched and cold, maybe you need to slow it down there, lady. Take a breath. Ask him a question and shove a little food in your gob. Don’t you love those people who you see after a long time apart and they seem legitimately interested in the things you’ve been up to? You could be one of those people! How was his day? What are his thoughts on Palestine? Whatever! Just ask!
5. Take care of him when he’s sick.
This one’s a little tricky because you have to wait around until he’s under the weather. But when he is, SWEEP IN! Let those mothering instincts take over. Cold compresses, chicken soup, medicine. Read a book nearby while he sleeps. And importantly: ask nothing in return. Don’t be that girl who’s like, “Back massage, Baby? Try not to get any phlegm on me this time.” Basically, be the person you wish you had when you were sick.
6. Stop complaining.
Honestly, I am taking this one out of Men Are From Mars. But here’s the deal: women bring their problems to other women because we like to share. That’s how we show love. But dudes only bring their problems to other dudes when it is A Problem That Needs Fixing and he can’t do it on his own. So basically, when you spend half an hour talking about your terrible experience at The IHOP, all he hears is “Help me with my strawberry syrup problem! What can I do? What did I do wrong? Fix it!” And if you keep riding that complaining train, he’s not going to stay on it for very long because it’s grating and stressful. You’ll end up at Alone Junction. And probably DoubleStuffOreoville.
7. Get a good-fitting bra.
Nothing makes you look sloppier than a bra from Victoria’s Secret. Go to Nordstrom and do it now. This actually won’t make him fall in love with you, it’s just my personal quest. But you know what? No. It WILL make him fall in love with you. Because you’ll look better, you’ll feel better, and he’ll want to be around someone who looks and feels like a million bucks. Which you will. If you go to Nordstrom. Stop it, Emily, you’re scaring them.
8. Learn how to do something for yourself.
Like change a tire. Or unplug a toilet. Whatever self-help level you’re at is fine. It's amazing how impressed guys can be by the littlest thing that girls ‘aren’t supposed’ to do. “Whoah, you aren’t afraid to kill spiders? You’re so cool.” “Whoah, you can chop wood? You’re so cool.” “Whoah, you built a house using nothing but hair ties and a can-do attitude? You’re so cool.” Whatever it is. Guys want a girl who can hitch up her pants and get things done.
9. Have a conversation with his friends when he’s not around.
Whether your boyfriend’s in another state or just in the bathroom, show his friends that you can be a cool person without him backing you up. The thing is, his friends just want to know if their bud’s gf has his best interests in mind and makes him happy. So be the supportive, fun person you are, and hopefully you’ll win a few hearts over.
10. Be interested in the stuff he loves.
I mean, you don’t have to become a die-hard Lakers fan or learn the ins and outs of the Lamborghini or pick up the keytar. But if he’s a woodsman, go camping with him for a weekend. Watch a couple soccer games. Go see his band play. Be supportive! And if you hate the stuff he loves? Um...why are you dating him?
Really all I'm saying here is to be the other-half you wish you had for yourself. Do you want a mean, complaining, uncaring boyfriend? No. And he doesn’t either. So please, ladies, take my advice: be the person you’d want to date. Be nice. And deal with farts. I’m just saying.