Blog Posts That Will Probably Never Happen.

I have been sitting in this coffee shop for hours trying to come up with a good blog to give you, and mostly I just have a complaint about the sandwich I had for lunch. I MEAN REALLY. Here was the conversation:

Emily: How's the chicken salad sandwich?
Cafe Guy: Meh, it's okay.
Emily: Oh, then I'll have--
Cafe Guy: But I don't like chicken salad.
Emily: Well in that case...maybe?
Cafe Guy: *blank stare*
Emily: Okay, well I don't like chicken salad with a lot of mayo. Does it have a lot of mayo?
Cafe Guy: It's really more of a Miracle Whip.
Emily: That doesn't...whatever. I'll take my chances. Give me the sandwich.
(Ten minutes later, Cafe Guy shows up at my table with a sandwich that is 99 parts Miracle Whip, 1 parts chicken. THANKS. THANK YOU. SWELL.)

So anyway. Suffice it to say, the sandwich did not get my creative juices going. So I went to my phone for my list of back up possible topics (aka things I thought of and half-assedly wrote down so as not to forget them). And none of those topics have sparked anything in me EITHER. Frankly some of them are just terrible ideas. And so for this post, I tell you a few of them:

- A letter to delicious unhealthy food as if it has killed my childhood pet (FU Penguin style)
- Why Friday nights are meant for staying in
- Why Future Husband John Krasinski is my future husband (entirely too obvious to require an entire post)
- Narrative of me waking up and being magically in the 8th grade again (this has potential hilarity...)
- A case for learning Geometry (oh, yes Emily. THRILLING conversation topic you've got there.)
- Discovery Zone (OH MAN! Remember?!?!?!)
- Awkward telephone goodbyes
- Why don't math teachers require you to show work anymore?! (Yeah I'm pretty sure that's the end of that blog post right there.)
- "Lady Gaga Kermit" I swear this is all I wrote down. I have no idea what I intended to write about, but I assume it has to do with this:


Welp! Best to end on that note, I should think. Seacrest out.

Confessions of a Movie Talker

I know what I'm about to say makes me the Kimmy Gibbler of your lives, but I have a confession to make: I talk through movies. And I like it.

*Pause while you all give me evil looks*

*Ow, those are some painful looks*

*Okay stop now please*

*IT BURNS US*

There, are we done? Good, now I can explain myself. I like movies. I like how they make me feel. I like forgetting how boring my life can be and reveling in the idea of marrying Richard Gere in the New England countryside instead. It's not that I don't LIKE movies or like knowing what is going on during them. But I also go to movies WITH people. And I don't just do it so that I look like I have friends. I go with people because movies are experiences that I like to share. And just passively letting a movie wash over me seems like an incredible waste of time and money.

I don't usually talk through an ENTIRE movie. Usually it's one of these common phrases:

1. Oh, it's that guy! From the place!
2. Where is that guy from?
3. REER!
4. Wait...what just happened?
5. Those two should make out.
6. Oh! Friends. He was on Friends. He was Pheobe's boyfr--okay sheesh. Shh yourself.

At least I'm able to hold it back when necessary. Well, in a way. I can hold back talking the way someone holds back milk when they laugh. It ends up coming out in sputters and out of all kinds of holes in my head. Bat-like squeals and silent hand clapping are not unheard of.

My movie talking cohort is Adrienne. She and I discovered our love of talking through movies during Love Actually. That or Bridget Jone's Diary 2: The Edge Of Reason. Some masterpiece staring Hugh Grant, that's all I know. Either way, it was a magical experience and I'm sure we annoyed the people around us but DAMN we had a good time. There was even seat dancing. And honestly, there's nothing better than seat dancing.

It is my goal in life to go with Adrienne to a really bad movie during its last week in the theaters, in the middle of the day on like a Tuesday. Then we'll be there all alone and we can sit on opposite sides of the theater and just YELL comments back and forth at each other. Something staring J-Lo or WhatsherfacetheblondegirlfromGrey's.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say on the subject. I need to get ready to head over to Adrienne's now actually. Lost is on tonight and HELLS YES we will need to rewind a million times to find out what people just said because we won't hear anything the first go around. *Waves Ben Linus pennant for good measure*

God bless Tivo, my home sweet home.

A Case For Disney, or: Belle Was a Badass.

If there is one subject that will get me the most impassioned, it is gender roles for children. And I think I've already stated my point of view pretty clearly over here. In short, I think dumping pink and frills and dolls on little kids forces them into a lifetime of believing they need to be dainty.

But I would like to make a case for Disney.

In college I had this one evil professor. She was the kind of woman who smiled when she said really mean things. "If you're late to class, I will have you expelled and enjoy doing it. *Smile*" I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. She was also obnoxiously Liberal. Despite the fact that I probably agreed with most of the things she said, it was the WAY that she said it that really made me want to punch her in the face. If she had said "bunny rabbits are cute and we should all pet them." I STILL would have wanted to claw at her.

So one day we watched a movie about how Disney is ruining children and making them believe all the wrong things and turning girls into prince-seeking drones. They showed clips of interviews with kids saying stuff like "I like Belle because she takes care of the Beast and then they get married and she's pretty."

Am I the ONLY one in the world who always took away that Belle was a badass?

Let's look at the facts here.
1. Belle doesn't care what society thinks--she likes to read and will do it no matter how much water is tossed on her head from windows above.
2. Belle refuses to marry the hunky man who only wants her for her looks. He promises her a lifetime of security, children, and puppies. And she says no.
3. Belle takes it upon herself to go looking for her father when he goes missing with no one but good ol' skittish Phillipe to help her.
4. Belle selflessly sacrifices herself for her father whom she loves.
5. Belle refuses to do what the Beast commands her to do. She will not be ordered around.
6. Belle's favorite room in the entire castle is the library.
7. Yes, Belle is rescued by the Beast. Because she is hunted by a pack of wolves, and the Beast is enormous. But who lifts the Beast all the way up onto a CLYDESDALE? Oh that's right, badass Belle. And even when she's tending to his wounds, she yells at him for being a jerk to her.
8. Belle has a snowball fight with the Beast.
9. Belle does teach manners and looks hot in a gown and can ballroom dance. So yeah, she's pretty. And she's a woman. But the Beast is already in love with her WAY before she gets dolled up. He loves her when she's still spunky.
10. Belle says she loves the Beast BEFORE she knows that he's handsome and rich and young and looks like George of the Jungle. These are just happy side effects which create a happy ending which is what everyone wants. I implore you to find a children's story from this century that DOESN'T end happily.

But this professor just smiled her evil smile and told us that if we tried to defend Disney, it was only because we grew up with it, and don't want to believe that those movies were actually bad.

Okay...OR maybe I was just a smart kid who had a brain? I don't know. One or the other. She also argued for racism in Pocahontas because there's some song in the beginning where the English sailors are talking about taking land from the Native Americans or something. And when every girl in the class argued that none of us even REMEMBERED that song, but could still sing "Colors of The Wind" by heart and in two-part harmony, she just smiled her evil smile and said we were clearly just getting upset because we didn't want our precious Disney movies smeared.

How's this:

-Jasmine's waistline is disgusting and hurtful toward women's body issues.
-The fact that Prince Eric need not hear a word Ariel says in order to love her is sickening.
-Why every Disney movie needs to end in love and marriage is beyond me. These movies are supposed to be for kids. They'll be pressured into marriage enough in their twenties. And it's very possible that movies like these are why I have always believed that marriage is an important part of my future.
-Mulan's captain thought she was a boy for 99% of the movie. When he found out she was a girl, he immediately fell in love. Um...what?
-I doubt that Aladdin did anything to help racial stereotypes by Americans toward those from the Middle East. I mean, come on. Is the penalty for stealing really cutting off a girl's hand right then and there? Really?

I'm not saying that Disney movies are all perfect. There's plenty of things to improve--and frankly, plenty of things that have been improved. With Pixar involved, things changed a ton. And they tried their darn-tootenest with the Princess and the Frog (I haven't seen it, so I can't say anything one way or the other.) But what I ask for is to please give Disney--and kids--a little credit. Just because the movie ended happily doesn't mean there weren't plenty of things in the middle there that we noticed and appreciated.

Asshole. :)

Acceptable Pet Name Categories

GOOD:
Human names that would be hilarious for a pet because no one has them in real life anymore.
-Gertrude
-Jeffery
-Walter

BAD:
Human names that people still have, making it awkward and making you wonder just how close the owner and the pet are.
-Katie
-Lauren
-Jason

BAD:
Descriptions of the pet's appearance that clearly took you four seconds to figure out.
-Smokey
-Socks
-Fluffy

GOOD:
Combo pet names that are even better when both pets are introduced.
-This guy here is Wayne. Oh, and over there is Garth.
-May I introduce Braxton and Toni?
-Here's Snap. Here's Crackle. Here's Pop.

BAD:
Pets named for your favorite ivy-covered baseball field
-Wrigley

GOOD:
Pets with multiple names at all times.
-Elizabeth Taylor
-The Artist Formerly Known As Prince
-Robert Downey, Jr. ("Something's wrong with Robert Downey Jr!"..."I'm sorry, I need to stop and get food for Robert Downey Jr." "Robert Downey Jr, look what you did to the couch!" "BAD Robert Downey Jr! Bad!")

GOOD:
Other
-Carpet.

Oh and now I need to tell you a story from high school. I was in a theater class and we were searching the piles of old scripts for monologues. We found one play called Mr. Whittington And His Cat. None of us could be bothered to really find out what the play was about, but we tried to imagine a play that used a cat. Ultimately, we decided that you couldn't use a real one; it would have to be stuffed. Like so:

So then we imagined a one-man show solely about the problems of a British man and his (stuffed) cat, Mr. Whittington. You know, "My, you sure are hungry, Mr. Whittington!" "Mr. Whittington, don't run in front of that bus!" "Mr. Whittington, would you mind terribly drawing the blinds?" etc etc etc. And it just tickles me. So...

GOOD:
-Mr. Whittington


Any more thoughts? I need a good pile of options for when I get a cat. Which I will.

Under the Influence of Awkward

Who got a Prom Hanks shirt today? I got a Prom Hanks shirt today. THAT'S RIGHT.

There was a volunteer thank you lunch today at Piece (also the site of me and Joe's first date. Joe and I's first date. Joe and my's first date. NOTHING IS RIGHT!!) And they were handing out free T-shirts to everyone for the event, with a chance to trade for a Prom Hanks shirt if desired. OH I DESIRE, sir. I desire.


The volunteer lunch in and of itself went...fine. I don't really know anyone so well as to start sitting down and having a convo. I mean, I recognized people. But I'm just not the kind of person who starts up conversations willy nilly. As you may recall, I am usually talked TO. Not the other way around. So when confronted with a large group of people I don't know, I AM that girl from a 50's prom who came alone to stand in the bleachers and look sad. That is me.

Eventually I managed my way into a group conversation by mentioning that being unemployed is actually great at first until you realize you're spending your days watching Gilmore Girls. Which then turned into a conversation about Lauren Graham, which then turned into how much boys like her, which then turned into how hot Zooey Deschanel is, which turned into me coming across as SLIGHTLY more lesbionic than I am.

The conversation spiraled out of control from there and I again found myself alone and staring silently at a few limp pieces of salad on my plate that I had decided weren't worth stabbing with my fork. So I decided to go. I stuck it out for over an hour. I think that's pretty good for me.

OH! I didn't mention, too, that Dave Eggers was there. He's a writer and he wrote the screenplay for Where The Wild Things Are and Away We Go (which I stupidly packed away for the month! GAH!) So once I decided to leave, I accosted him with my damn Wild Things DVD and an enormous permanent marker (the only one I could find) to get him to sign it. And that's when things get awkward. GOD, why do I get so clammed up around Z-list people? What hope do I have of becoming one myself some day?! Anyway, I walked up to him and shoved the DVD in his face. He shook my hand (Oh right, that's what you do when you meet someone, I thought.) Then I handed him the marker and said, "Sorry all I have is a huge thing."
"What's that?" he said. And for a second I considered That's-What-She-Saiding Dave Eggers, writer of Where The Wild Things Are screenplay. But instead I just stumbled over myself.
"All I have is..this...uh, uh...whatsit. Marker." GOD. For once I would like my brain to remember the names of COMMON HOUSEHOLD ITEMS. So he signed it, and I'm pretty sure I made him anxious because he almost misspelled the word "stay" in "Stay wild, Dave Eggers" He handed it back and I bolted.

So I think that's all the awkward I can handle for today. OH BUT WAIT!! I'm meeting more z-listers today! I'm seeing Avenue Q and might get to meet the puppeteers afterward. Yikes, it's going to be deadly.

I need to watch more Gilmore Girls to calm the nerves.

I Hate Running. There. I Said It.

GOD!! DO I ever learn anything EVER?! How many times do I have to jinx something before I STOP TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT STUFF?! First rule of jinx: don't talk about stuff. (Second rule: make sure the soda machine is not sold out of Coke.)

So the apartment we were hoping for yesterday was denied. Wah wah wahhhhh. It's really fine. There were things about it that we weren't crazy about. So now we don't have to deal with those things. But now, in honor of jinxing things, I'm not telling you people NOTHING. So suck on that.

So now I am sulking and eating salsa like Rupert Grint's life depends on it. (It might.) And sometimes the salsa is a little spicy but it's okay to feel pain because at least then I feel SOMETHING.

I'm sorry. That joke was not okay. HEY! You know what else is not okay? Running. Running, my friends. Who decided that running was an "activity" and not something reserved for life-saving situations only? Also, who decided not to renew her gym membership for this month to save money? I want to kill both of those people right now, and then spend my life worshiping the elliptical gods.

4 Reasons why Running Sucks:

1. Running is medically bad for you.
Okay, technically it has its benefits. Heart, lungs, all that nonsense. But your joints and bones do not appreciate it. And who decided that your heart is more important than your bones anyway, hmm? You know what your bones would appreciate? A hearty glass of chocolate milk and a nice recliner. And I have to say, I agree.

2. Throat Issues
Why, as soon as I run more than a block, does my throat decide that now would be a good time to close itself off/fill up with mucus? What kind of defense mechanism is THAT? "Oh you're trying to be healthy/save lives? Here, let me help you by hurting a lot and giving you all kinds of gross things to cough up while you run."

3. Lowered Attractiveness Level
Some girls look good when they run. They're all lean and standing tall and their sports bra matches their iPod and their elbows are pointed in the same direction and it's all well and good. I, on the other hand, have on a college t-shirt with sweat stains and am leaning forward, hacking and gagging on my newly acquired phlegm. And somehow I get the feeling that I really more shuffle than run for the most part.

4. Boobs.
I'm just going to throw this one out there: Boobs. I have them. AND HOW. And it's lovely most of the time, because I get to be oggled by douchebags in bars/yelled at by homeless men on the street (some girls get ALL the luck.) But running? Yeah, it's a problem. Mostly, it's embarrassing trying to figure out how to run without folding your arms in front of you.

I'm not against aerobic activity. I'm all about being healthy and working the heart and giving your deodorant its chance to shine. But really. The odds are stacked up against running. I'm sorry, but it's science.

How To Cancel a Free Subscription (Because You Just Found Out Your Boyfriend Owes the Government Enough Money To Buy Iceland)

Let's get one major thing out in the open here. Tom Hanks has a Twitter account which he updates with behind-the-scenes of his current project. You're welcome, America.

So! What have I been up to lately? Let's see it in list form!
-Staying at my boyfriend's apartment
-Making every meal using my slow cooker for some strange but delicious reason
-Reading Harry Potter 7 again as if Rupert Grint's life depends on it (It might.)
-Looking for an apartment for next month

Joe and I saw two apartments yesterday that we loved. I don't want to jinx it before the paperwork goes through but we are very hopeful about one in particular. SECRETS!!

Spending the day talking about finances and moving in and paperwork may have been the least romantic day in my entire life. By bedtime, I was starting to have a bit of a panic attack. Joe had to calm me down with a thorough eyebrow massage (Oh I'm sorry, you've never had one? I pity you.) I've never really known exactly how much money Joe has. All I knew was "not a ton + student loans" and that was fine. Obviously I am not one of those girls who requires a man with money. As long as we can afford $3 bottles of wine and the occasional cheeseburger, what else can a girl ask for?

Well after a credit check and an application asking exactly how much money is in our checking accounts (Hi. That is a terrifying thing to put on paper.) We now know the ins and outs of one another's financial situation. And it is grim. Hence the necessary eyebrow massage. Christ, I may need another one just thinking about it.

What I'd really like to talk to you about is the monstrocity of Free Credit Schmeport Dot Com. For one of our applications, we had to get the report ourselves. I went to this site because I felt like it was legit, and didn't want to just be giving all my info around willy-nilly. I want some stupid guy with curly hair, a guitar and a jingle to look at my credit score.

FUN FACT! There is nothing free about Free Credit Schmeport Dot Com. Here's how they get you:

Step 1. You actually have to pay 1 dollar to get the report for some bullshit reason that is legally not a lie, but for all intents and purposes, is actually a lie. Something about the government. The dollar goes to charity. Whatever. The real reason they charge you the dollar is...
Step 2. So that you give them your credit card info. It's just a dollar. It's for charity. Right? WRONG!
Step 3. You are signed up for a free 7-9 day trial (which makes no sense already and I smell a bigger pile of bullshit off in the distance) which, once that is over, will automatically become a paid membership of $15 a month unless you CALL and cancel.
Step 4. Oh you better believe I will be calling to cancel. Ring Ring! Ring Ring!
Step 5. Hello, welcome to Foreign Call Center Where People With Accents Are Frustratingly Hard To Understand And Make You Want To Say F*ck It And Pay The Damn $15 Instead, may I help you?
Step 6. Yes I'd like to cancel my membership.
Step 7. Why did you get your report in the first place?
Step 8. None of your freakin' beeswax, LADY.
Step 9. Did you know that with our service, you get a million awesome things?
Step 10. I do? Gee! What about--NO! Stop trying to confuse me. I want to quit the gym/bank/website.
Step 11. Okay, we can do that. But you could also do this other thing for $15.
Step 12. NO!!! I WANT TO QUIT YOU!!!
Step 13. Alright Ms. Sheffar [???]. We've cancelled your membership.
Step 14. You hang up. You worry.

And that's it! If you, too, would like to know your credit score, just go to the site and get your score for "free" in just fourteen easy steps! Don't delay, call now!