A Fake Daily Show Piece

So, as I said last week, I wrote a fake Colbert and Daily Show piece for my writing class, both based on the same news story. I gave you the Colbert one then, but I wanted to keep working on the Daily Show piece. It's not perfect yet, but it's better. So here it is, another Blog Post Of Laziness.




We begin tonight in France, where Apple has recently ousted an iPhone app, called “Jew or Not Jew”. The app is a database of thousands of famous Jews, from Steven Spielberg to Woody Allen’s daughter-slash-wife.

The creator of the app, a Frenchman named Johann Lévy, says the app is all in good fun. But many Parisians have taken offense to the app. Let’s see…when did France once collect the names of Jews, perhaps handing them over to a charismatic young man with a mustache....?


No…not him…



Closer…



Oh, that’s right, that’s right! THAT guy!

Yes, some said the “Jew or Not Jew” app reminded them of World War II! When the French government collaborated with Nazi occupiers to identify and deport Jews to death camps. (FAKE, EMBARRASSED LAUGHTER) Ha…ha…I’m sure the guy who made the app, uh, would immediately disprove such accusations.

CUT AWAY TO NEWS REPORTER: "Levy says, 'It recalls the Second World War, but that was 65 years ago!'"

BACK TO JON: Yes, only 65 years. And if there’s one thing people are over, it’s the Holocaust. (SING-SONG) Boriiiing!

But supporters of the app say all this fuss is for nothing. After all, the names aren’t being used to deport people to death camps, it’s just an aggregate of already-public information put into one, easy-access iphone app. For his take on the story, we turn to our Senior French Correspondent, Wyatt Cenac. Wyatt, do you think the French are right to be so offended by this app?



WYATT: Absolutely, Jon. The French aren’t like us Americans, because they don’t know how to throw around a good Nazi reference for sport. “Obama is Hitler." "Bush is Hitler." "Ghandi was Hitler.”—we’ve been using the Holocaust for our own purposes for so long, one more reference doesn't phase us. But it still works in France because apparently the French don’t cry Nazi every time someone mentions a tax hike. Gah, that Hitler and his senseless, brutal tax hikes.

But the French aren't like that, so when something ACTUALLY reminds them of Nazis, they get a little…verklempt. Luckily, the US still allows the app. And since I've been properly desensitized, I've got the app right here. Hey, look! You’re on here, Jon. Let's see, your parents are both Jewish, you’re a Sagittarius, you secretly hate gefilte fish, you have a mole on your inner thigh--

JON: Wait, how does it know that?

WYATT: Hey, what’s “Death To Smoochy”? Is that like a venereal disease?

JON: Alright. Wyatt Cenac everybody. We'll be right back.

A Fake Colbert Report Piece

So the reason I had no post yesterday was because I was working like a mutha on a project for my comedy writing class last night. The assignment was to write two pieces on the same news article--one for the Daily Show and one for the Colbert Report.

I can happily say the Colbert Report piece was a success. The Daily Show one? Noooooooot so much. It wasn't terrible, but it needs some work (luckily revisions are the assignment for next week.) So instead of giving you a real blog post today, I'm going to be incredibly lazy and just do a little copy/paste/voila action. So here is the spec Colbert Report piece. And maybe next week I'll show you the DS version...if I can mold it into something in any way useful.

Here we go.



Nation, as you know, I don’t trust the French. They drink mineral water instead of high fructose corn syrup, their kisses can get a little sloppy, and they can’t tell the difference between a female skunk and a cat with a paint stripe.

But I was outraged when I heard about a law France is enforcing: something so despicable, I nearly threw up in my mouth. I’m talking about the separation of church and state. *HURR!* Sorry.

Sure, in America, we believe in the separation of church and state, as long as we can still debate political issues using scripture. But in France, they don’t even swear their president in on a Bible! What do they use? Le Petite Prince? Or maybe just a nice plate of beef bourguignon.

But folks, even knowing this, I was shocked to hear that last week, France took their church and state separation a step too far when Apple obliterated a religion-centered iPhone app called “Jew or Not Jew”.

The app aggregates information on Jewish celebrities, so you can find out quickly if, say, Natalie Portman is or is not Jewish. This many Jewish celebrities haven’t been outed since Adam Sandler’s Hannukah Song.

But thanks to lawsuit threats, Apple France has said goodbye or, “frommage” to the app. According to CNN, recording a person’s faith in a public file crosses the line in France. But if you don’t know someone’s faith, how can you know how harshly to judge them? For example, if you didn’t know I was Catholic, you’d have no idea how much guilt I feel at what I’m about to say next:

Shame on you, France! Put down your croissants and see it the American way. We were built on the separation of church and state, with the understanding that church will inform every state decision we make.

Church and state should be as separate as peanut butter and jelly. You keep peanut butter on one slice of bread, and jelly on the other. Sure, you put the two together eventually, but that’s because they go together SO WELL! Deal with it, France. That’s how we do things here, in this one nation, under God.

We’ll be right back.