Clearing The Air About My Derrière

I've been thinking lately about my butt.

I've always had a problem with it, and it's the opposite of what women stereotypically worry about: mine is too small. I have a hard time filling out jeans, and I worry that it makes my bit of muffin top look extra muffiny because it doesn't quite fill out the space under the lovehandles.

So yes, if you are keeping score, two of my biggest physical concerns are that my boobs are too big and my ass is too small. FINE, so my life is not THAT TERRIBLE.

But back to my butt. (FOCUS, people.) When I have complained about it to boyfriends past and present, they say the same thing: "Sure, it's small. But it packs a punch." Which....I don't even know what that means, but I appreciate the sentiment (usually followed by grabbing attempts I have to then ward off--serves me right for mentioning it.)

What I'm saying is: I have a complex about my caboose and the men who've loved me have never done anything to create that complex.

I think it's other women.

Since the moment I realized that the size of my tush could potentially be something to think about, there have been girls--friends--who have had something to say about mine. Specifically how small it is. I don't think anyone has meant to make me feel bad. But I think it's a bit like if you complain about your sister and then your friend is like, "Yeah, your sister is TOTALLY crazy." And your hair lights on fire and you scream, "YOU SHUT YOUR HOLE ABOUT MY SISTER."*

It's kinda like that. I can complain about my imperfections all I want. But you're not allowed to actually AGREE with me, dude. When you complain about your looks, a girl friend's job is to DENY, DENY, DENY. And when they don't? You know you have a problem.

I bring it up because I think it's something to consider--how much blame we may put on media or on the way men react to women for giving us such complexes. But I've realized, more often than not, men don't notice those imperfections we agonize over daily. They basically think we're pretty...and that's as far as they've gone with it. And sure, the media gives us rear ends to aspire to. But ever since Sir Mixalot pulled up quick to retrieve it, they come in all shapes and sizes and (with a few notable exceptions) do not a movie star make.

When we complain about the imperfections that bug us, the only ones who listen are other women. Presumably because they're worried about their own problems. Since it's something I worry about on myself, I notice other girls' butts. Often. It's weird. Not that I'm leering--more like analyzing. Like how a girl who hates her nose notices other girls' noses, I stare at butts. They are fairly hypnotizing. I see why people enjoy them. And what's funny is, when I see someone with a small patoot, I've never thought "that lady has a bad butt." Sure, I've occasionally thought, "She needs better pants," but never a better butt. So why do I think I'm the exception? Why do I worry that everyone is walking around judging my posterior, as though they have nothing better to do with their lives? Do I just need more hobbies?

I don't really have a big point here, at least not yet. But I thought I'd see if anyone had thoughts on the subject. Also, I'm not sure how these issues play out in LGBT duos. I'm not a relationship expert, I'm just a chick with a blog. But I'm really interested to hear how it may differ...or how it's still exactly the same.

Anyone else willing to call their butt to the attention of the court?


*Oh, calm down. No one talked smack about you, it was an example. Quit being totally crazy.