ZOMG THE INTERNET

SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY. I'M NOT SURE I CAN STOP TALKING IN ALL CAPS. THIS IS HOW PASSIONATE I AM ABOUT THE INTERNET AT THIS MOMENT. I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD LOVE PANERA MORE, BUT THEIR FREE WI-FI HAS DONE IT.

MUSt...STop...TALkiNg...iN....CAPS...urge to kill fading...fading...RISING!!!...fading....gone.

Joe and I are still attempting to get internet in our new apartment. Apparently there's a situation with the setup instructions that include Japanese letters and everything being completely wrong. When he called the customer service people, they asked him if the modem was on. When he said it was, she basically said that, in that case (AKA the case that he's not internetarded) we're SOL until they can send someone out ON THE FIFTH OF JUNE.

Oh that's okay. At least I have an iPhone. I've got the basics covered.

OR DO I?! No, in fact. I do not have my phone. It has decided to stop being functioning in every way except Solitaire. Yippee, I might as well own a computer from 1993. Therefore, without internet or phone, I have been walking around for a week looking like this:

Because, really. What is the point of having a computer if not to toggle between Facebook, Hulu, and Ninja Cat?

BUT! Luckily I am starting a job tomorrow. So it looks like my lunch is going to be filled with posting things here and also probably looking up things on Google Maps. I am highly attached to Google Maps. We have a relationship that is pure and true, and NO ONE will come between our love!!

Except the internet company. And AT&T. BUT NO ONE ELSE!

In Regards To The Lack of Posting

Dear Sir or Madam,

I regret to inform you that Emily is an irresponsible blog poster. She gets distracted by silly things like moving and vacations and shiny objects, and she stops telling you things because she thinks she has "annoying crap to do" and "internet to set up" and "something resembling a life." We here at Blog Posting, Inc. appreciate your business and will do what we can to keep you. Please consider staying in contact with us though email you don't expect lengthy responses to, as well as simple well-wishes. Blog Posting Inc. also accepts money orders. Did you know that with a donation of $19.99, you can feed an entire Emily for one day? It's true!

Again, we appreciate your love and correspondence. While we work on rewiring Emily, may we suggest you try this recipe for chocolate cake using fat-free mayonnaise? Because it may just blow your mind.

Sincerely,
Automated Letter Writer
Blog Posting, Inc.

Three Things:

1. I'm getting my hair cut at 1pm this afternoon. I have given you all plenty of warning of this impending chop, and it's finally happening. For. Reals. No tears! (I'm looking at you, Michelle.)

2. I start an internship next week! This means a few things: "My Monday" comic strips will likely return, I'll have money, and I may even get a cat. OH THE SHENANIGANS.

3. We start moving tomorrow. All my stuff! My precious, precious STUFF! It'll be back in my grubby little paws where it belongs. My couch, and my couch pillows, and my couch sores from laying on the couch too long...it'll all be back!

4. BONUS NUMBER I haven't talked to Laura in a million years and I miss her. I know this is not pertinent to any of you (unless your name rhymes with Shmora) but maybe if I write it in blog form, I will finally pick up my deteriorating phone to call her.

Reasons Why I Am Dying Today

Today is one of those days when I'm pretty sure I have a thousand horrible diseases. I find myself fairly convinced of my own imminent death on a regular basis. Today's prognosis:

1. Cramps. I am having cramps and I am not on my period.
What it definitely is: Polyps. Or cancer. Or appendicitis.
What it COULD be...I suppose: Gas.

2. Today I woke up and I was SO tired, even though I had 7 hours of sleep.
What it definitely is: Mono.
What it COULD be...I suppose: I'm unemployed and pathetically tired with anything under 9 full hours.

3. I almost fainted today.
What it definitely is: Heat stroke. Or regular stroke.
What it COULD be...I suppose: It's 90° and I was running. And I was overly concerned that I forgot to put sunscreen on my neck.

I'm just going to have to suck it up and move on with my (ever shortening) life. Specifically, I need to get myself off to the DMV because...yeah, no one cares. Got it. But maybe there'll be some hilarious hijinks while there that I can tell you all about! Won't that be fun? (Fun for you, I mean. Not me. See what I do for you?)

Two Things:

1. My problems followed me to Hilton Head. *Sigh* Oh well. I tried. Updates eventually.

2. Why am I not Marion Cotillard? Why?

Why I Suck At Sports

WELL! It has been quite a successful vacation so far. My problems are far, far away from me back in evil, smelly Chicago (I'm sorry, Chicago. I didn't mean that. I love you. *pet pet* Although you are kind of smelly sometimes.) We've been to the beach, went to a jazz club, I ate fish--THAT'S RIGHT, ladies and gentlemen. I, Emily, ate fish. Grouper. And I only gagged a LITTLE. So suck on that. Ew but don't because sucking on fish is--*ACK ACK*--too late, gag reflex kicking in again.

Anyway, this isn't Emily's Private Diary (as is evidenced by the absence of Mead-brand notebook with KEEP OUT written in sharpie.) This is a blog. And today I'd like to discuss sports. And where is this coming from? QUESTION AND ANSWER TIME!!!

Q: Did Joe and his parents go golfing this afternoon?
A: Why yes, yes they did.

Q: Did I not bother to go with them, knowing my past (one) experiences with golf?
A: True.

Q: Did I instead choose to spend the day lounging and eating a 100 calorie ice cream bar I found in the back of their freezer?
A: Of course.

Q: Is Gilmore Girls softly playing in the background?
A: Oh, you.


Yes, I chose to be a hermitting recluse whilst the rest of the gang went away to whack a few golf balls hither thither and yon. And no. I have never played real golf before. But let's just say, you don't have to go to Indonesia to know they make terrible hot dogs.

Wow, I really need to work on my metaphors.

Here's the thing about me and team sports (and I'm counting golf as a team sport because other people are relying on you to EVENTUALLY hit the damn thing. Therefore, team sport.) We don't mesh. Reasons we don't mesh:

1. I am extremely uncoordinated. I run into door frames on a daily basis.
2. I don't like competition and the animosity that inevitably arises from it.
3. I get easily frustrated by things I am not good at right away.
4. I only like looking like an idiot when it's on MY terms. I'll punch myself repeatedly as long as it's on stage and people are laughing. But smack my face with a volleyball once and that's it. Game over.
5. I hate disappointing people. I didn't do homework for my health, people. I did it because I couldn't grasp the concept of NOT doing something I was specifically told to do. Same with sports. You tell me to hit that ping pong ball OVER the net? Damn me if I can't get that to happen for you.

I did play one team sport ONCE. I was six. It was tee-ball. We were the gold team. They put me over in left field, and any time the ball came to me, I would back away from it as carefully as a left-wing politician questioned about gay marriage. If that didn't work, I'd just chuck it to whoever was flailing their arms the most wildly. It was a pretty good strategy. Afterall, I won a trophy. Of course, everyone on every team got a trophy...but it was shiny. After that, I decided to stick to more fruitful endeavors, like chasing my brother around the yard and learning to quote Titanic back to front with Michelle.

So no. I am not good at sports. I don't like playing sports. I never really got into watching sports, either. Although, I think watching sports is like my realization with coffee. Walk with me here:

My parents drink their coffee black. So when I was young, I thought that in order to like coffee, you had to like it black. Imagine my glee when I discovered that you could dump 8 sugar packets and a gallon of cream into your cup and still call it coffee. Likewise is sports. Growing up, I thought in order to enjoy football, you had to sit there through the whole game, understand WHY they were throwing yellow thingies onto the field, and that you couldn't giggle every time they say "tight end" (tee hee!) But now I realize that you can call yourself a sports fan whilst spilling light beer down your shirt and yelling things like "GET HIM! No! Get HIM!!" and that makes a world of difference in my mind. I can get involved in that kind of spectatorship like WHOAH. Just not the kind where you need to know things.

So when Joe suggested that he and his parents go golfing today, I said mazel tov and good day. I attempted a golfing range once. I was horrendous, and that was quite enough for me. Moreover, it was quite enough for the ladies, if you know what I'm saying. Hell, I've used the excuse before and I'll use it again. These girls don't golf. I mean, look at this stance.

In what world would I be able to stand with my arms like that? I will tell you what world.

A world where I am good at sports.

A Vacation from my PROBLEMS! You BET I Will!

I'm going on vacation! Leaving in an hour! (Due to my lack of guessing ability, we actually got ready a whole hour earlier than we needed to. Whoops! Oh well, now I have time to post this.) Joe and I are heading off for Hilton Head, where his parents live. His mother could not be more excited. There was squealing involved. At first we were going to go somewhere we'd never been, like San Francisco, but it turns out you actually have to plan when you decide to go places. WHATEVER.

So now we're off to South Carolina to lay on the beach. I tell ya, my life is just SO HARD sometimes.

I just want everyone to know that I recognize how ridiculous it is to need a vacation from being unemployed, but as Dr. Leo Marvin prescribed, I need a vacation from my problems. Sitting around every day wondering why even the people who ALWAYS get back to me are no longer responding makes me feel like my brain has been doing crunches and my stomach has been doing some philosophical thinking. And I would just like a week to be as relaxed as everyone else, to not feel like I SHOULD be doing something or emailing people or writing headlines or whatever it is that functioning members of society do.

Things I Hope To Acquire This Week
- A nice base tan
- A liking of at least ONE form of seafood
- Vast amounts of pralines
- The shirt from the Paula Deen restaurant with a picture of a cow saying "Hay Ya'll" to a pig and a rooster.

I figure I'll post a few things next week. I shouldn't be SO busy that there's no time for posting. But if you feel that next week is marked by my absence, now at least you know why.

So enjoy your week! I'll bring you back lots of fresh pralines! (And by "bring you back" I of course mean "eat".)